BPDFamily.com

Hello, I found this site while searching online for some resource to help my sister in law. She is undiagnosed, but exhibits all the traits of BPD that I came to know when I lived with a BPD-diagnosed roommate. At age 45, her life revolves entirely around her dog. She has not held a job or earned any income in a decade. She claims she cannot leave the dog alone, and also that she has "multiple chemical sensitivity" so cannot work. Yet, she is not on disability or any social welfare.

She was 100% dependent on my mother-in-law, who passed away 8 months ago. In these past 8 months, my sister-in-law has made no progress toward finding a job or a new home or registering for any kind of assistance. The owner of the rental home where she and my mother-in-law lived had to go to court to get her evicted. She moved to a $200 a night hotel with the dog, and was asked to leave after a week for failing to pay. Her father has offered her a room in his apartment, but she says she can't live there because he uses cleaning products she is sensitive to and because the dog cannot handle the stairs to his apartment. Other family members - aunts, cousins - resent her for the way she treated her mother and believe she must figure out, at this late stage, how to take care of herself. Everyone in the family has also warned us - her brother and me - not to take her in. I know that having her live in our home would be a nightmare.

Now she has asked if she and the dog can live in her car in our driveway. My husband - her brother - said no. I agree with that decision, but what can she do?

Hi Ada Hazel. I understand how this is tugging at your conscience/heartstrings. We all want to be "good people", and that's great, but we can take it too far sometimes and wind up making things worse. It really is a sad situation that a 45 year old woman seems to be truly unable to care for herself. Side note: I don't actually think it is legal for someone to live in a car in your driveway, at least not in most places in the US, but depending on how big your driveway is, maybe nobody would notice. If you think about it, it's not a great long term solution, which is probably what it would turn into. Anyway, I digress.

If you really want to try and help in the least enabling way possible, and are prepared for spending a lot of time working with social workers and lawyers and court systems at your own expense, I'm wondering if you could have her declared incompetent/gain guardianship and maybe get her enrolled in some public assistance programs/housing? Bear in mind that even after doing all this, she might still slip through the cracks of the system. If this is only to ease your own mind, then maybe it's worth it because you would know you tried everything. You could always just consult with one of those professionals that I've mentioned to get an idea of what is actually involved in the process. It is important to remember, though, that this is ultimately her problem. Don't internalize this situation. You are a good person.

Thank you for the sage advice. I appreciate it.