BPDFamily.com

I have spent so much time longing, wishing, missing, regretting my UxBPDbf.  I hated feeling that way.  He did such terrible things that I couldn't understand why I still felt anything at all.  Longing for him felt like a betrayal of myself and of my kids who were deeply hurt by him.

Then I had a wonderful moment when I he did not even cross my mind when my sister asked about him (I assumed she was asking about another friend).  That felt like heaven.

And now, I feel spiteful and hateful.  Hoping that he is suffering.  Miserable.  Bored.  Lonely.  Like deep down, at this moment, I feel like I really want him to suffer.  To hurt.  This is not my normal m.o.  I am not mean and hateful.  I don't hold a grudge.  I am on good terms with all of my ex's.  I admit in some ways these vicious feelings are a bit of respite from feeling hurt by and connected to him.  Yet, I don't wish suffering on anyone else.  So I hate feeling this way too.

Looking very forward to indifference b/c, thus far, no matter what I am feeling, I don't seem to like it. 

IMO, normal. I had the same thoughts, for some time. Then, they just went away. Now, I feel bad for her. Really bad. But, there's nothing I can do for her. I truly hope that, someday, she seeks the help she desperately needs and finds solace in her life. I truly wish for her to be happy. It'll pass :)

hey reclaiming,

learning more about the disorder took the winds out of my sails in terms of anger. i realized my ex was suffering; not something i took pride in when i realized it was a suffering that i couldnt really imagine or relate to. that helped me at the time. it might not help much now, maybe it will. but it did help me reframe the whole "shes living the life im sitting here miserable" line of thinking. it just wasnt/isnt that simple.

i understand the conflicting feelings. its as if your best friend becomes your worst enemy. you want justice. it messes with your entire sense of reality. one has to attempt to grieve both. you may feel guilt or even shame over mourning. please dont   . ya know i saw someone on my facebook feed recently go from idealizing an ex to publicly berating him and smearing him. not only is that unbecoming, its simply no way to grieve.

"I admit in some ways these vicious feelings are a bit of respite from feeling hurt by and connected to him."

sure they are, and its understandable; its good that you recognize it for what it is. anger is a part of the stages of grief.

"Looking very forward to indifference b/c, thus far, no matter what I am feeling, I don't seem to like it."

youre going to, as im sure youre realizing, experience a lot of complicated and conflicting feelings. i think it will be helpful to remind yourself that being indifferent to someone you were with and are grieving over is not something you "should" feel or are expected to feel. its something you might or might not reach when and if youre ready. many here will hold a special place in their heart for their ex possibly for the rest of their life. some wont. neither are right or wrong. hang in there  

edit: im not sure if it came across, but i empathize with what youre feeling. before i "learned more about the disorder" i felt like something was wrong with me for feeling anything at all. like i was only sane when i was focusing on the bad. i spent every bit of my energy to try to do it. when i realized my conflicted feelings werent "wrong" it took a lot of pressure off. if it were as simple as painting them black, it would be done. your conflicted feelings, with time and work, will balance and feel a lot smaller in your mind, and youll be that much closer to freedom  |iiii

:)

It'll pass, it becomes less and less as time goes on. Im almost... .Almost... .at the point where I don't wish her harm but during those first months I would lie in my bed wishing the most hateful pain or her so she could exp what I was going through. All that does is give you the stomach ache! Plus I'd never actually key her car, set her house alight, arrange to have nails pulled out etc

I'm Happy to say im far more interested in my happiness than her feelings at this point