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Yeah its one of those.  I was drinking last night and she'd been texting me that day once again about stupid nonsense.  My friends egged me on so I texted her if she wanted to see me then she should come over but if we aren't hooking up don't waste my time.  She said she'd be over in 20 minutes.

Thankfully I uses protection and this morning I had to sneak out and leave a note saying I had work but it was a bad situation because I had to leave that fruitcake in my house on her own.

Thankfully it's not undone any of my emotional recovery, it was what it was.  

Just be careful on the booze especially if they are circling, you can do something very stupid.

'Thankfully it's not undone any of my emotional recovery, it was what it was'

Wanna bet?

I get the drunk dial and pick up, I had to get rid of my exes numbers after my last phone blow out. But aside from your emotional safety... .What about hers? I don't think any good will come from that Infern0

Infern0 do not beat yourself up over this.  It's amazing how alcohol can lower our defenses and contribute to making bad decisions, but it is what it is.

I hope you stay strong and live without regret.

Hi Infer0


I understand that the temptation to reengage can be very strong, we've all felt that and many of us have succumbed. I agree that mixing that with a few beers can be a dangerous combination that leave us more vulnerable to our impulses.

It does sound like a potentially tricky situation. How do you think you'll proceed?

If it was me I'd be worried that instigating sex with my ex would either tell her that I wanted to resume our relationship or that I was trying to prove something to her or myself.

She might very naturally conclude that you're still attached or invested. It could certainly send a confusing message to someone who is already very confused and vulnerable


Well done for using protection, for both your sakes. How are you feeling?

I found that as long as I was still emotionally involved any intimacy with my ex disrupted my healing, but that's just my experience.

I found detaching really difficult, but I'm glad you think this hasn't disrupted your healing.

How do you think it will effect her?

If I was in her shoes I would probably feel hurt and discarded. I can't imagine how I would feel if I was disordered and had a terrible fear of abandonment.

I really hope you're both ok and that your healing continues

Reforming

I am confused? Are you bragging, or looking for support for this selfish, immature behavior? 

Phew... .glad to see I am not the only one who felt this way.

That was an awful thing to do to her.

I am blaming the alcohol, I'd had about 35 days of NC and had been resisting her attempts at contact.

The whole reason I finished with her was because of her game playing etc. I wasn't thinking last night but when I woke up this morning the first thing on my mind is if I let my guard down she's going to start the games again so I got myself out of there.

I don't remember much of what happened but it's a bad move.

I'm not bragging but I'm telling people to be careful of the situations they can get themselves into. If my language seems less than savory, I don't have any emotional connection to her anymore. I'd be open to continued contact with her if she'd get therapy but that's not going to happen so it isn't a good idea.

There's another thread about 'words'... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=276581.0

Actions, always speak louder.

I cannot image how she could / does feel.

Used? Cheap? Dirty?

Hopeful? Reading more into this encounter than what it was? (A booty call)

Alcohol would never cross my lips again, if I could not responsibly conduct myself... .

I cannot imagine wanting to have sex so bad I chose someone I considered "ol BPD, ex, fruitcake, stupid nonsense, game player, bad move, NO EMOTIONAL connection too".

Your words, and your actions, do not match.

Just a question: what would you think if your BPDex did the same thing to you?  :) lol

Probably we'd be here conforting you and trying to explain her odd behaviour... .

PS: I'm not judging you at all! On the contrary, it could happen to me as well :)

This is a tricky one. Wouldn't want to go there again with my ex, but if indifference is the opposite of love - hasn't Inferno just demonstrated that? Also, whilst his motivation wasn't revenge, isn't there a hint of karma in this if she's the one left hurting this time? 

No, that's not Karma... .

Two wrongs never make a right.

At the end of the day, she is a human being... .

If you don't want to get stung, then don't kick a hornets nest.

And again, makes one wonder how much truth has been spoken (as we only get one side of the relationship) in light of the OP's actions?

Then again, she came to him voluntarily and had sex with someone who was so drunk he doesn't remember it all.  Maybe this event can be used as confirmation there isn't much health in that relationship in either direction, might be better to continue moving on without each other, yes?

Not sure what the 'wrong' was here? Sex between two consenting adults, not initiated on the basis of a false promise?  Just because pwBPD behave differently to us, it doesn't mean that we are saints by comparison - or that we have to be.

Hi Infern0,

What are you going to do if she contacts you today?

How on earth can you be indifferent to someone and sleep with them? Eap someone with that much history. I think what we are aiming for here is 0 people hurting

 Wait... .wait... .wait... .YOU got drunk, YOU sport f'ed her, YOU refer to her as a fruitcake (that is name-calling someone you "are" in a relationship with)... .and YOU ran out of your own place to get away from a situation YOU engineered.

... .and YOU are "blaming" alcohol.  

WOW!  ... .just... .WOW! 

Trog

Forgive me - I thought this was primarily a 'nons' forum. PwBPD can find plenty of support and advice on other message boards. This woman meant the world to Inferno, now he can have sex with her without feeling any emotional attachment to her. That's indifference in my book. As I said earlier, I wouldn't have done it, but that doesn't necessarily make me a better man than him. 

You were justifying spreading pain around as karma. Yes we are Nons and as Nons we are on a forum discussion poor BPD behaviours not supporting bad behaviour towards those with BPd or any mental illness. Im not saying I'm a better person than Inferno either but what he did was bad milkshake and I won't support it as I don't believe it didn't hurt him or his ex.

When he's drunk.  That's easy.  But processing all of it with a hangover is another thing.  I look forward to Inferno's updates.

Detaching and healing is a messy process.

I think most of us here have made mistakes along the way, but blaming or shaming ourselves or others doesn't help.

The important thing, I think, is to try and be accountable for our own choices and behaviour. I know that it isn't easy, especially when you feel very hurt and betrayed.

I've struggled with this on many occasions, and still do sometimes, but doing it has really helped me to understand myself better and move forward.

Reforming

Thank you for stating that so eloquently, Trog.

My sentiments exactly Reforming. We are all different, and as such may legitimately make different choices in similar situations.  When we champion NC, we are oblivious to how the pwBPD might feel - it's all about our healing and survival. Similarly, it's not inconceivable that this little escapade might have helped Infern0 to process some conflicting feelings and emerge the stronger for it.

There's a difference between going NC for your own survival and seeking someone out, sleeping with them and running out the next morning. That's not a survival instinct! It's bad milkshake.

It may sound like I am damning Inferno, im not, I get it, ive been weak a thousand times but I don't need to be encouraged in that.

Let's leave it there, I have no bone to pick with Inferno or yourself.

Are they really good 'friends' if they egged you on to be with 'that fruitcake'?

You weren't too drunk to use 'protection', but still call this an 'OOPS'?

Why still get texts from her if you're done? Perhaps you're still hooked?

The other day you posted "Here's what you do to get them to come back... ."

Today it's "She was circling." So what's the real reason she came back?

It balances out though since it was a mutual use? Was it 'stupid', or 'needy'?

We'll just agree to differ then Trog. That's what healthy people do in conflict situations!   :)

We've all come here to heal and to support each other through the process. I think one of the greatest strengths of this site is that other members can help us to see our own behaviour in a different light. We don't have to agree with everything they say, but it helps us grow.

There's been some really good posts on this thread and I think everyone here is trying to help and support Infern0 through his healing process.

Lets hope he's ok

Reforming

Maybe we can all ask ourselves this question:

Why were (present tense if applicable) we attracted to someone who mistreated us, in place of being repelled by that behavior? 

Pics! or it didnt happen  :)

Makes me wonder how many times this kind of thing was done with many of our exes, messing them up even more when it comes to attachments, self esteem, and trust. Doesn't seem like what you'd do to someone you really care about, especially knowing that they have serious issues with this stuff. None of this seems like a mistake. It sounds intentional, InfernO.

Infern0, I would be remiss if I didn't call you on this.  You are blaming this on your friends, her, and alcohol.  We all do regretful stuff, but we need to "man up" and own it, right?  It's not about your friend, alcohol or her. We can't give each other this pass.




This morning she woke up in an empty bed, in you empty house, and knowing this was probably reported to your friend before she even opened her eyes.

You know her well, how did this likely go down?  Fear of rejection, shame, abandonment anxiety - all that BPD stuff - all that human stuff - how do you think it played out?




Playing people breaks them - either way - we all know that.

We all do regretful things.  What I'm not seeing is regret. You seem to be good with this.

So lets get it out. That's why we're here.  It is what it is.  What are you really feeling today?

Seems to me this all a form or type of Passive-Aggressive Pay Back... .plain and simple.

I don't think unleashing karma on our ex-BPDs is our responsibility. If they never get psychiatric help, their entire life will present them with karma and devastating situations. Generally speaking, I think it can harm us just as much to seek vengeance. It's difficult to live a life of peace when we're seeking out justice.

This past week my ex-BPD broke no contact at 48 days, something I wasn't sure she'd ever do. I haven't responded to her. As I've told others, despite the many thoughtless things she told me, I'm not ignoring her to punish her. I'm ignoring her because I have a history of taking the bait after dealing with four cluster Bs over the last 10 years, and I'm proving to myself that I'm finally learning this lesson and respecting myself by not throwing myself back to the wolf. And rumor has it that the ex-BPD has said she could get me back any time she wanted, no matter what she does, and I'm proving to her and my former people pleasing self that's not going to happen.

My point is, at this point, it's about healing ourselves and growing, and seeking karma hurts our chance of lasting peace, something BPDs will never experience (except in rare cases where some go to therapy and stick with it.

Mr Brightside

I wasn't suggesting that Infern0's actions were revenge motivated - quite the opposite. Some speculated that his actions may have damaged his ex - I questioned whether that would constitute karma given the pain she had caused him in the past. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I want to add to this general comment - which is directed to all of us... .

Family Systems Theory says we seek our emotional equal in our mates.  Equal, not equivalent. This is not 100% true for everyone - but it speaks generally to us as a group.

We have a choice to see that now in the wake of the experience we each have had and step up our game.

Whenever I react, I always ask myself, not if it's real (the feelings are), but am I thinking maturely - am I being the man I want to be - an I walking the values/boundaries that I want those in my life to walk with me.

We can lead our lives. Or we can sail without a rudder.

Good mental health is hard.  It takes strength. Now is one of those times.

My bad. I guess my reading comprehension suffers when I sleep in (Saturdays are my only day to do that).

When we speak of indifference, we are speaking about letting go of the emotional tie that binds us someone we are no longer in a relationship with. It speaks to being indifferent to their normal actions as an independent person. For example - not being hurt that they didn't call us on our birthday 6 months after the relationship ended.  If we loved them, broken up or not, that is hard, it takes time.

I don't think we extend that to indifference about the safety, health, or wellbeing of others at our hands - that would be depraved indifference.


Would Inferno have been wrong to feel used or abused if he woke up and found her gone in the morning.  Or would we have said, no biggy, "sex between two consenting adults", no worries?  

Would this mean we are holding mentally ill people to higher standard than ourselves?

How do we reconcile time like this?  What are our values here (not a rhetorical question)?

Talking about it openly helps (without shame or judgment or JADE or mean spiritedness).

Is it 'indifference' if you post about it asap (while the bed's still warm)?

Do 'consenting adults' need to sneak away afterward? Blaming _____?

If you're not honest with yourself, are you being honest with anyone?

Any chance we might take it a tad bit easy on Inferno here?  I made MANY mistakes in my r/s and am certain I am not immune to doing so in the future.  Feels to me like there is a lot of energy around defending Inferno's ex in this thread and wondering how she feels.  Honestly, I am much more curious about how Inferno is feeling. I am curious about what Inferno is feeling, wanting, needing here from us.  What say you, Inferno?   

There was another thread several weeks ago that was about a bpdfamily member having had an affair.  Seemed there was a lot of energy around taking him to task for his choices and his mistakes. 

While I believe we are in here in search of learning and healing, how can we offer that to ourselves and each other in a way in which we don't make each other wrong. 

Detachment and recovery are a hard process, from my experience.  Often, two steps forward one step back.  More like one step forward two steps back.  How do we support each other even when we think someone has stepped back (which the person may or may not agree with)?

How do we keep this a safe and supportive space even when we disagree with each other?  How does Inferno or any of us get to 'fess up to our OOPS and not be shamed for OOPSing?

Just my 2 cents... .

*mod*

We want to ask participants to stay centered and stay on topic with this thread.

It's a difficult subject and we need to talk about it without:

• taking jabs at each other, or



• over reacting to those with a different viewpoint, or



• trying to rescue the OP or any of the participants.

Tall order?  Yes.  We can do it.

3.1 Advising and Supporting Others: Members should offer advice as peer opinions targeted directly to the host of the thread. Members shall offer only compassionate, well founded and fact based advice.

Members critiquing, or challenging the advise of others should offer their comments in a respectful, positive and constructive manner. Members should respect and embrace the opinions of others, not deride them, and recognize diversity is an important part of the learning process. Collegial Discussion is the exchange of ideas, not a debate or an argument to be won. Our common interests and goals are what brings us together - let it not be what comes between us.

Please be mindful that one of the important roles we all have is to help “center” others, not pile on or inflame emotional unrest. Member should not "hijack" the threads of others by changing the subject. All posts should be targeted to the subject matter introduced by the host of the thread. Our individual thoughts and ideas are important to each of us. Members shall be patient and understanding of other members that are in different stages of the learning or healing process or have different opinions than their own.

Yes Skip, as long as she hadn't lied to get him into bed, I would say that.   Adults make adult decisions and have to live with the consequences. Lots of men and women sleep with each other purely for sexual gratification - with no thought of a LTR. That is their choice. The reason many of us have issues with pwBPD is that we feel duped by them. I see no unequivocal evidence in Infern0's post that he duped his ex into sleeping with him.  As I stated before, I wouldn't have made the same choices as Infern0 did, but who am I to judge him for the choices he makes? 

OK.  Your point is that a drunken call for sex, sneaking out before the person wakes up, and mocking them to your friends afterward is OK. Adult behavior, adult decision, "buyer beware" / live with the consequences.

All right. That's your value set. It's in the open.

It's a collegial format here so we don't need to debate it or counter it.  This is simply how you see it.

Thanks for clarifying.

OK, OK interesting responses for sure but should have been forseen really... .

What people need to understand here is that for one thing I am NOT a codependent person anymore.  I'm currently in a phase of adapting to life free of that messed up white knight mentality that landed me on this site, so damaged because of my belief that "saving" someone would make me feel better about myself. That's the first thing people Need to understand.  I'm in the first few weeks of actually living my life, that's the current situation.

In terms of her. Yes I view her differently these days, does it mean that I don't care about her?

Of course I care.

Does it mean I am going to give her responsibility for my own happiness, hell no. I've done that too many times in the past and it was my own fault it lead to disastrous results

I have been in contact with her and currently I'm deciding if I want to meet her and go to the movies with no set expectations next week. 

If I go I'll treat her like I'd treat anyone else,  not badly obviously but she's certainly not getting special treatment based on her disorder anymore.  If she can demonstrate mutual respect then we can be friends and see what happens.

So don't worry, and anyone white knighting, get off the horse, I'm not some monster hurting the "damsel in distress", I'm just setting and sticking to a very firm boundary,  she will treat me with the same respect I expect from anyone, and I will treat her as I would anyone else.  No special treatment because of bed

If she can't handle that she can go find another codependent person to demolish.

It was a stupid thing to do while drunk

I do still care about her but I'm not going to let her abuse that care

I'm happy with myself these days, I trust my ability to stick to my boundaries

It was mutual and consentual sex, she wanted to hook up,  so did I.  I probably would have left it alone if I hadn't had about 7 coronas and 8 shots.  However the fact I did it and managed to not fall apart after shows progress to me.

This wasn't about "revenge" there is no "revenge" to be had here because the pain I felt during RS was internal and I brought it on myself by allowing to abuse my boundaries.

I've been clear with her that she can stay in my life but that it's going to be different this time, she's not going to bring me down to her level and we have a long way to go to rebuild trust.

She's accepting of that and has actually complimented me on "standing up for myself.

She has apologized for hurting me in the past, I told her I appreciate the apology but it's not needed as I learned from the whole experience and see it as a positive.

She wants to hang out next week, I have told her I'll consider it.

Nobody got hurt,  some positive may come from it, we'll see.

Have you had a chance to read the boundaries workshop, yet?

This is part of it... .

---

Defending Boundaries   Even when we live our values responsibly,  we can still encounter boundary busting.

When this happens, we should first challenge ourselves.   Counter-intuitive, I know.  <1> Did we make choices that were inconsistent with our independent core values?  If so, which was wrong, the value or the choice?  :)o we need to change one?  <2> Have we been consistent in our actions and effective in our communications?  Or have we been sending a mixed message?  :)o we need to dedicate the time and effort to clean this up (this takes time)?

We also need to look at all the options(s) we have to available to us to help us navigate back and stay true to our value.  I use the plural form of option because just saying "no" and taking timeout is not enough. Yes, it helps greatly in the moment, but if we are in a value hostile environment, we need to look at all the ways we can address that.

:light: Having values empowers us and motivates others.

I listen to the points of view of others and take them seriously

I treat everybody with respect

I am always supportive of family and friends

I am totally honest in all my dealings with others

... .and I expect that same.

:light: Defending boundaries (without values) tends to be shallow, reactive, and confrontational

I will not tolerate you getting in my face (stated aggressively)

If you do things I don't like, I will respond by doing things that are equally distressing to you

You weren't there when I needed you, so I wasn't there when you need me

Etc.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

Glad to see you back Infern0 - was getting tired of being kicked on your behalf!  :)


And Skip, sorry but that wasn't my point at all. I was referring to events leading up to Inferno's 'liaison' when no obvious duplicity took place. In such instances I feel that consenting adults should live with the consequences of their actions. Trust that clarifies my stance.

Agreed - which is why I have stated in virtually every post on this very topic that I would not have done what Infern0 did. I just refuse to condemn him for it - that's all. 

Skip,  reread my second post above.

Nobody got hurt here although there were some immature hijinks.

If I'd wanted to hurt her I could,  very easily.  I have no desire to.

Thanks for the backup fanny, I'll take it from here.  Anyone has anything to say to me or any questions, fire away.  I'll answer honestly.

Even though she didn't follow through with this the last time, or the time before that, or... .And you said you were done each time because of it. So, because you say you've changed now, she's suddenly changed too? Or momentarily changed enough to help keep the wheels spinning? '10 Beliefs', man, this stuff sounds like many of them. As you're saying yourself, it'll be the actions not the words that count. On both sides. Respecting each other.


Back in contact/another chance/likely back together soon=? Sure, there's more to it, but it's how the door reopened this time, right?


As all of this is being said with peace and love, with regards to your progress, I'll add: Good, for both of you, especially for you. That would lead to much less 'OOPS', less drama, less future pain. For real, best of luck to you.

If someone is hurting me... .it just makes me "less than" to hurt them back.  I did not come to this valuable website to talk about getting even... .or to be vengeful (wrapped in the BS of "Karma" which makes the vengefulness sound like something softer.).   I came here to heal. If I am getting even with a sick human being... .I am not healing... .I am just getting sicker.

Okay... .

What does "continued contact" mean to you?


Is it a good idea to willingly invite (pull) and then leave (push) a supposed "fruitcake" unattended at your house   And then badmouth her?

Do you disrespect her for sleeping with you?

No she didn't follow it through last time. But last time my own mindset and behavior was messed up and I was reliant on her for my own happiness.

This time I've finally manages to get into a good frame of mind and I'm happy with myself.

If she can be incorporated into that in a positive way, wonderful.  If not, then that's a shame for her.

We'll see how things go. I have no expectations but I'm not in such pain that I can't communicate with her,  I owned my own mistakes and I was a chronic enabler for her.

It'll be interesting to see what happens

Inferno, I know you dismissed this earlier under the claim of "no harm, no foul", but I'd encourage you to read it. Your clearly operating in the bottom list - it might work for a little while, but it's kinda fools gold.

I've read the Alpha Male material.  If someone is a doormat, its a great wakeup call. Get the power back in balance.  But if anyone is buying the idea that a significant sustained power imbalance in the other direction is a win, they are going learn a very hard lesson about smoldering resentment. Many of the relationships on this board succumbed to a smoldering resentment that ignited and our member said "wow, I never saw it coming".

If you really want to make another run at this relationship, I'd recommend getting in the staying board and learning the psychology of a BPD women and how to communicate and work with her.

In my impression, its not about commanding power - its about strength. Stength is a benevolent - but not gullible.

Thanks for the admission, and warning, Infern0…  I’ve occasionally thought that if I backslid (again) ... .I’d lack the guts to come back here to admit it.  Hell, after my seven rounds, I call that six too many!  ... .keep us posted

... .hadn't finished all six pages... .hope all's well

Love this quote.   Thank you!

... .having read further... .I get it, Infern0.  :)id the same myself, and each time our r/s, to whatever diminished level, decreased in duration.  Eventually, both realized a normal healthy r/s was beyond us.

So... .do you foresee a normal healthy r/s?  Or, does it matter?  My advice is not to waste further time - unless you need further evidence of dysfunction, but that always comes at a price.  

I’m most worried about you, as there’s nothing can be done for her (sad to say).  But, you sound much as I did under similar circumstances; you know the score, understand the game, and can now call some shots.  She’ll recognize this power, be drawn to it ... .only to find it’s no longer as vulnerable to her brand of deception.  And, you may be able to help her, as you’ve less to lose.  

My uBPDxgf finally admitted her ... .condition (if not BPD - actually describing herself as crazy) due to my taking less and less crap.  And it helped me realize her limitations; thus for once, at last - I left!  It caused her to look beyond her well worn playbook.  Win-win?  Nobody wins with BPD.  Stay strong ~

I don't know what I forsee, because I'm not looking too far ahead.

My mindset before ALWAYS was that if I could just keep her around and help her I'd be happy.

A false belief.

Right now I'm just enjoying her being in my life but not reliant on her

Do I still have feelings for her? Yes.

Do I think a successful relationship is possible? Unsure.

What I do know is that the interactions I have had with her before we're unhealthy on both sides.

For her side,  usual BPD waif behavior

For my side

Weakness,  neediness, insecurity, low self esteem, fear, controlling behaviour, trying to be her therapist, letting her behaviour effect me too much.

Bpd - codependent relationships will never work

Bpd - healthy non, well there is less data on how this works out.

My mindset is as I say,  I'm not looking forward too much,  I am also not "scared" of her anymore, she has no ability to make me feel any way unless I hand her that power.

My life is good and she's welcome in it IF she behaves respectful.  If not, I'm good.

We all agree, being needy and a doormat is not going to get you anywhere.

Being emotionally unavailable - which might work for a short time - but not much more.

You've initiated the a recycle.  

Do you think you should work the staying board? Learn the tools? 

It's not being emotionally unavailable though.

I do still have feelings for her yes, but they are well balanced these days, I'm not emotionally detached,  I'm outcome detached,  I think that's the key difference here.  I haven't become a narcissist. 

As for the staying board, I don't know I'll see How things go before I go over there, I'm not 100% "in" at this stage

The time to learn the tools is before the problems start - you want to set up the new tone - not wait till it melts down - tools won't help you then.  Without that, this will go the same path as the last time.

The tools will help you with any relationship.

Not being a doormat is a good first step. But it's not enough to make a person with BPD well. If she has BPD or BPD traits, this is a special needs person and you will need to know how to deal with that.

"Peformance", as you say, is only a temporary thing in any relationship - relationships break down from time to time and there needs to be a foundation.

Think of it this way. If you want to play on a baseball team, do you practice before the tryout and give it your best?  Or do you eat pizza and drink beer the night before, show up with a maybe/maybe not attitude and see if you make the team.  Then practice?

I'm not saying run into her arms.  That would be the worst thing.  But I also saying it takes more.

Somethings not adding up for me here.  It might be where the others struggle, too.

What actually happened this morning?  This was initially presented as a sort of skunk dumping... .is that what happened... .or was it a nice note?  How did she react when you talked to her today?

There's a reason for that! Nons are not attracted to them (at least not for more than a day!). I'm basing this on my exp and understanding, I've spoken to dozens of friends and acquaintances after my marriage ended, while my ex is unquestionably attractive all my male friends sensed she was trouble and were uncomfortable around her and disliked her.

I don't get when there are 3.5 billion women on this planet why you're hanging around with someone who hurt you? Wouldn't focussing your energy on other women be a better bet?

I was in exactly the same mindset when I allowed a recycle Infern0. If nothing else it proved to me how far I'd come whilst not damaging my ex. She eventually started playing up again, and I did nothing to steady the ship as I really couldn't be arsed with more 'push-pull'.  Really interested to see how you get on this time around.  :)

The note said

morning (exes name)

I have work this morning so I thought I'd let you sleep in,  help yourself to some breakfast.

So I think that's nice?

I didn't know what to do as it wasn't something I was prepared for!

We have talked since, planning an evening together.

I agree with Trog on this one.  Why play with fire, Inferno?

I guess I do not understand.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you think so little of, and have little to no expectation of the relationship being long term or good?

I would never touch my ex as hot as she is I find her repulsive... .but if your capable of having a one night stand with your ex then thats your business... .i dont know what everyones freaking out about... .chances are it wasnt her first one night stand and wont be her last.

--Really curious how you've overcome, in such a short time, all these negative patterns and deep issues you listed. If you could share more about the process you took to get there it would certainly help many people here (not that you're in the 'helping people' business anymore). BTW, the things you listed also lead to the "OOPS", didn't they (showing they still apply), more than the alcohol? Was she drunk, too, or just being herself (too)?

--There is plenty of data on how 'nons' make (or try to make) their relationships work, on the Staying Board as Skip recommended. It includes learning to accept the bad behaviors, and making other concessions like learning to not take things as personally, and often there is minimum positive change on the part of the pwBPD. You wouldn't have to look too far ahead to see that your gf hasn't had enough time yet to really face herself and her issues, and sincerely work on them for herself first (and then a possible r/s). OK, IF she does, you're cool with it. The odds aren't there though. But like the last couple of times you went through this, this site and its support will be here for you when you need it. (And I'm speaking from experience, having gone through more recycles than I probably should have, too. Thinking things were better than they really were. Although, it took as many times as it took until I opened my eyes and kept them open.)

--Why would you choose to go backward to be with someone who has no power to make you feel anything? What kind of r/s is that? It sounds like you feel you don't really deserve better, and that in some ways you've shut yourself down more than opened up. Why? How is it "I'm good"? If you were really doing well, wouldn't you not be going through "OOPS"-type situations with "the ol' BPD" (Does she know you think of/label her as such? How long will you continue doing so? Until she's 'cured' by being with you?) So, you won't allow yourself to feel anything with her until she's proven to be respectful at all times, and not disappear on you again and again when things are going well? Time will tell... .Again, best of luck with this.

*mod*

The topic of discussion is locked. It's a worthwhile topic and you are welcome with starting a new or similar thread.