BPDFamily.com

Hey,

Me and my ex broke up january 2014, and as some of you may know after the break up she painted black, blocked from social media, phone number, I have been sworn, she even tried to beat me, and she avoids me any cost, even running away. But today my friend invited me to play tennis ( and I accepted because I want play, not because she works there) and she is the cashier. So I had to see her. She did not even look at me, she only talked to my friend. I was laughing all the time, because she did not take my money, my friend had to pay for me. I don't know why but I told her "you are just one cashier and nothing more, don't you see how life is going down, I am still loving you  and I hope somebody loves you as much as I do."

Now I feel gulty because I  should told her the thing about the cashier, because I am not her caretaker anymore and this is her life... .It just I was triggered from her bahaviour, although I knew she won't look at me.

I hope I am not a bad person, because for real I want the best for her and these nasty words that I said to her don't make me feel good.

Hi lm911

I'm sorry that things have been so tough for you


I realise that this feels very hurtful for you. It's very traumatic when a relationship breaks down like this.


Detaching is often a difficult protracted process and I understand that you still really care about her. I know that you initially broke up with her, but from what you've said she has clearly indicated that she wants to detach and move on.

Nobody can tell you how you should feel, but do you think that by telling her that you still love her she may feel that she's not being heard?


It's very easy to say something inappropriate and even hurtful when we feel triggered and vulnerable. Blaming or punishing yourself afterwards isn't going to change it. The important thing is try and understand why you were triggered and do your best to avoid repeating the behaviour


Making a mistake doesn't make you a bad person. We've all said things that we regret at some time or other. You can't take your words back but you can respect her desire to detach and move one.

What do you think is the best way forward?

Reforming

The best way forward is what you said - let her detach and move on.

I did not want to say it, it was like the devil made me say these words, because I am not a malicious person. May be it is karma - she said and did nasty things, so this like a bumerang or sth like this.

It seems that being around each other triggers both of you, which can feel very painful when you care about someone. What do you think would help you to heal?

Time, beacause I feel better than before. The other important thing is that I should stop wanting to be with her again and to stop trying, although I love her.

Letting go can be really tough. A lot of us struggle to do it

It seems like you've gone through a lot of tough stuff in your relationship and you made a decision to leave.

What do you think would help you stop you wanting to be with her?

Reforming

As I said time, and I think meeting another girl with who I can fall in love. But I have gone to dates, they are just not for me, it is not like I have stopped searcing, but still I have not met the one, until then I think I will continue to struggle with letting it go.

Next time... .you could go play tennis somewhere else.   Just a thought.  :)

... .because of the severe dishonesty and many cruel antics after mine ran off out of our home with replacement... .I would just choose not to go where I know she is.  She never admitted her indiscretion, there was no closure or decency.  So I choose not to go near something that is disturbing to me.  She likes to act-out and cause scenes, too and, of course, play victim.    Some would disagree with me... .but that is the what I need to do to take care of me. We all have to do what we think is right for us.

I did date someone briefly afterwards, but I realised that I was slipping right back into the same pattern of behaviour.

I found that understanding why I was drawn to my ex helped me to detach and hopefully to avoid finding myself in a similar relationship again

I was drawn by my exes looks, but I was drawn by her need to be rescued. It helped me to feel strong, virtuous and whole.

I was drawn to the drama and intensity of the relationship - it filled a lot of space and I found the heightened emotions and drama involved very compelling.

I was drawn to her because at some level I didn't feel that I was worth more.

Reforming

Can someone just say something rational, I am feeling tremendous amount of guilt. Help.

Hi lm911

I'm sorry that you're feeling so guilty.

I understand that you really regret you words. Are you concerned about how this might have effected your ex? Is that what is why are feeling tremendous guilt?

Reforming

It affected her badly, but I am more concerned about me because I did something that I should not have, because I am not person who says such things. Moreover, I should not say such words to a person who I love, I should not hurt someone who I love.