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I wanted to share with everyone in the hopes that this story might help some others who are NC and wondering what if... .I am also looking for some help/support in deciphering what the heck just happened here... .

My uBPDexbf and I have been apart since he broke up with me (while he was in jail in another state for a THIRD DUI) in January. I have not laid eyes on him, but there have been texts and emails. I thought I had him blocked on my phone, but I think when I erased his number from my contacts it erased his number from my blocked list? I didn't know how to block my email (I do now). I woke up to a text Friday morning with some random comment about going to Cleveland. I replied with "umm... .I think that text was for someone else." To which he responded, "No, it was for you. I also sent you an email." I checked my email... .it said, "I miss you... .blah blah blah." A dialogue via text and email ensued. I maintained my stance of "I'm sorry you are feeling bad. I miss you too. I still love you so much. But you caused this. Nearly all of this. This is what you wanted. Remember that. And I can never go back. Take care."

Next thing you know, he is all over me back to calling me names and he actually said, "I really hate you" in an email message. I remained calm--I said, "I could never say I hate you. As a matter of fact, I love you. But I don't have what you need. You've made that clear. So just quit this nonsense."  And his final reply was, "Woodstock, you have issues. Goodbye."

I am leaving out the hours of communication (he tried calling but I told him I wasn't answering because he had burnt that bridge once before,with his hollering and screaming at me. ) I mean, I just held the line. Boundaries.  

And do you know what made this communication different from the 100s of communications before? In a word... .NOTHING. So for those lamenting No Contact... .I'm here to tell you that once again, it was the same thing different day. Only he is more angry and desperate and bitter and mean and irrational than EVER. In the morning he was saying how he missed me and loved me (but offered no apologies), and within a few hours the complete opposite. Literally.

As for me, I'm okay but confused. What was he seriously hoping for? I wasn't horrible or vindictive... .I just repeated the bottom line over and over. I pointed out the facts. Including some of the lies he fed me that I have recently found out to be lies. And he just insists that I am a crazy b**** and that all I am is stuck in the past. Well yeah, I am. Cause you, sir, have never looked me in the eye and OWNED the horrible things you did. That's what reasonable people do, right? People who are serious about moving forward and wanting to mend a broken relationship have to address the past a little bit, not just sweep it under the rug and begin new like the bad (and I mean BAD) stuff never happened. Could someone tell me what is so HARD about that for people with this disorder? He is an intelligent 43 year old man--can he really not see the value in just getting it all out there and finally being DONE with the past?

That acknowledgement and some sort of reasonable closure is what I think EVERYONE on this site desperately wants. It's all I want.  But clearly, I am not going to get it... .but I am proud of myself for holding the line. And all emails and numbers are blocked. I'm done with his nonsense.

Hey Woodstock-


It sounds like he is triggered and dysregulated, a response to abandonment; as we know, borderlines are all about the fear of abandonment.  The missing you and loving you was him pulling in response to feelings of abandonment, that didn't work because you stood firm, so back to triggered.




Yes, and you mention you're enforcing boundaries, good for you, which is different now, and what else is different?  Have you noticed yourself emotionally detaching even when still communicating with him?  As I got some time away from my ex and learned about the disorder, her communication attempts became more and more transparent and ridiculous, and that actually helped me detach, while also inducing a state of shock of how far down the rabbit hole I had gone, which in turn proved motivational to never, ever let that happen again, which meant I was going to need to grow.  And that continues... .


It can't happen with him.  Borderlines feel great shame, and to open that door and look, take responsibility for their part in all the crap, it would open a floodgate and he would melt into a shame puddle, which is why the tools, the defense mechanisms, have to be so strong, it's survival.


And the good news is we get to find a way to give ourselves closure, which ends up being more powerful, but first, try starting with accepting fully that he has a personality disorder, a mental illness, and rational thought and the rules of civil discourse just don't apply.  Have you been able to accept that all the way yet?  Seems like maybe not.


Good for you!  Both for the boundaries and realizing it's nonsense, meaning it does not make rational sense, which it won't with someone exhibiting traits of the disorder.

"And his final reply was, "Woodstock, you have issues. Goodbye."

"I wasn't horrible or vindictive... .I just repeated the bottom line over and over. I pointed out the facts. Including some of the lies he fed me that I have recently found out to be lies. And he just insists that I am a crazy b**** and that all I am is stuck in the past."

given the context, i think this is a bit of projection. i think you handled it pretty well, were centered, and like you said, repeated the bottom line. doesnt sound excessive (trying to be heard) either. i think at the time, if i were in your situation and if my ex had responded with "once removed, you have issues", id have gone on a tangent, pointing out to her how our conversation had gone, and how shed reacted. when you say this communication was no different, i think you see that escalating, defending yourself, engaging in a circular argument, etc, would not have been fruitful. you didnt react and you deserve major props for that.

"Could someone tell me what is so HARD about that for people with this disorder"

i think fromheeltoheal answered that pretty well. i think confronting your issues can be very hard for anyone. people dont just come here starting out eager to do so. if we truly want growth, i think we must. all of us. we played a role in our relationships. with a personality disorder like BPD, like fromheeltoheal said, there are some seriously ingrained defense mechanisms; we all have defense mechanisms, and both pwBPD and non pwBPD can even acknowledge some of them, but the prospect of seeing past denial of some of these deeply rooted defense mechanisms can frighten their very sense of existence. pwBPD have an unstable sense of self. imo, these defense mechanisms actually make up a great deal of what is already an unstable personality. so in other words, its partly that the concept of confronting your already unstable sense of self makes even attempting to do so pretty frightening.

there may be any number of reasons why he would project, if im correct in assuming so, but if i had to guess id say your balanced, somewhat detached response, challenged his line of thinking. gave him a glimpse that he has issues. i use the term glimpse lightly because its challenging to argue that projecting is a real glimpse. rather than fully realizing, his line of thinking said that because he was confused, it was you, not him. but it could have been as simple as him trying to get a reaction out of you. have you reacted in a similar situation before? if you have and suddenly didnt, a pwBPD might be inclined to escalate.

"And the good news is we get to find a way to give ourselves closure, which ends up being more powerful, but first, try starting with accepting fully that he has a personality disorder, a mental illness, and rational thought and the rules of civil discourse just don't apply."

fhth is right, and i think youre on the right track in terms of getting this for yourself  |iiii. hang in there and keep posting 

"Cause you, sir, have never looked me in the eye and OWNED the horrible things you did. That's what reasonable people do, right? People who are serious about moving forward and wanting to mend a broken relationship have to address the past a little bit, not just sweep it under the rug and begin new like the bad (and I mean BAD) stuff never happened. Could someone tell me what is so HARD about that for people with this disorder?"

He cannot/will not take responsibility for his actions. To do so might possibly dredge up shame from his past. That is to be avoided at all costs; as a result, you and the relationship are expendable. His whole defensive array is designed to deny/avoid/delay examining/accepting responsibility for his actions. Again, it's all designed to avoid some deep seated shame.

Yes, healthy people deal with issues and accept responsibility for their actions in said issues. He will not because he isn't healthy; because of his disorder, he has developed maladapted defense mechanisms. Instead of preserving the relationship, they destroy the relationship.

A pwBPD is emotionally a child, and, as a child, when he didn't get his way (you held your ground) he threw a tantrum. They only understand/recognize getting a cookie or getting a spanking (polorized thinking).

To all three of you who took the time to respond to my post... .THANK YOU.  Wow, you folks are awesome... .so insightful. I'm getting better and I'm getting clearer every day. Mostly thanks to time and the BPD family.  Thanks again.