BPDFamily.com

Soo... .never thought I would make a topic about this subject. Its been a while since I posted here and that is because I'm doing pretty great! Small summary for those who want it:

- 4,5 year relationship with 10 or so recycles, last year we were living together

- broke up in november last year, she moved out, she had a replacement in a month

- fell into a depression early this year, stopped working, went to a shrink, got anti depressive pills

Feeling better

And since then it's only been upwards! Working again, feeling pretty good, not thinking about her too much anymore, going out a lot, hanging with friends, making new friends, flirting and dating with women (nothing serious as I'm getting quite fond of being single to be honest! haha). Just having a good time, being social, and building my life up again.

Stalking?

So far, so great. Now I don't keep track of my ex, but somethings up. Last friday I was out at my usual (new) spot that I go to because I know she doesn't go there and I have made a lot of new friends there. Suddenly my ex comes walking in with a girlfriend, no replacement in sight. She stands there all night, but whatever, I just party like I always do. After the night is over and she is gone, she starts texting me. Some petty stuff, like 'bye'. I ask couldn't you just say that to my face? No because it was too scary according to her.

Insane text convo

I let it rest, next day she asks me where I'm going out tonight. I let it rest again, until this morning, she starts texting again. Just some small talk and I reply short and without too much information. Then after a while she starts getting angry about god knows what, I really have no idea, frustration maybe? She tells me I should stop spreading bull___ about her (right? I never talk about her to anyone anymore), that she feels sorry for me because I feel so depressed (I'm not depressed at all anymore?), and she ends with the statement that I'm still the same egocentric, lying ass she remembers. And that she won't contact me again. Okaaaay... .

Now, I'm fine and all with the not contacting again part, but something tells me thats not true. Something is up, I don't know what, since Ive blocked her on social media (and I want to keep it that way). Maybe things didnt work out with the replacement, maybe she just needs the attention. I know this is not about me, it never is, it is about her needs. Somehow I didn't meet her needs in this very basic text conversation which caused her to lash out. I hope this is the last of it, but honestly I don't know what to expect at this point. I thought I was completely out, painted black for good after four months of almost no contact. Now she starts texting all of a sudden only to lash out at me and trying to make me feel bad.

It doesn't really set me back that much thank god because I am truly enjoying the life I'm living right now. But I am somewhat still irritated that she might think I'm still in a bad place. Surely its just because she sees I'm having fun and she can't stand that, right? Anyone have any experience with this? This situation is new for me, feels like the previous ten times right before recycle attempts started.

Oh and hi to all the members I still remember from a few months back    Hope you are all doing well (or as wel as can be) and I want to thank you so much for being there for me during the really bad times, Man, I remember I even made a topic about suicide... .so glad to be out of that hole now.

Its probably not going well for her at the moment. She has revisted her toy box to see if theres anything fun to play with. She's got upset because one of the toys (you) looks fun but wont let her play with it. She's had a temper tantrum and tried things that used to work but found they dont anymore. Be ready for something to happen. Maybe an escalated smear campaign. Maybe her trying directly to win you back or maybe her trying to worm her way into your social group. I cant see this going away. It may go quiet for a bit but I would put money on the fact that she makes anothrr appearance.

I completely agree with enlighten me.

I think what has change is that you have pulled away from the dysfunctional relationship and she is running her regular game to control you, but you are not playing because you have worked on you and you are healthier now.

With a little push from us perhaps you could change your name to "In Freedom"!  :)

She is not done... .And the more you take care of you the more abusive/persistent she may become.  Just have some empathy for her,  but keep moving forward. You sound great!

Thanks for the feedback folks. She has indeed contacted some of my friends in the past weeks for small talk, and her visiting the place I go out is also a clear sign that she is inserting herself into my social life. Very irritating, it was fantastic to have her completely out of my life for a few months. It really made me able to focus on myself and my newfound freedom and peace.

Infared, you are right in that I'm doing well. I have even surprised myself, my friends and parents in the progress I've made the last few months. I've picked up driving (had a driving license for 12 years but never used it so had some sort of phobia - completely gone now and I love to drive), I go to the gym five times a week and it is already showing (when I go out I get multiple girls wanting to touch my muscles actually, really flattering), Im doing my best to give my best efford on work again (and they seem happy about that), and I've made so much new friends the past couple of months so that I never really am alone if i don't want to. But best of all, sometimes I am alone and that is perfectly fine, I feel great even then. What a complete turnaround after the HELL I was in a few months ago and to be frank, the hell I was in for five years in this relationship.

I'm not going to give that process up for a recycle ever. I would be back at square one. Her witchcraft won't work at my anymore! Maybe that is where her current frustration comes from.

I recently had the recycle attempt after about 10 months myself, I posted about it earlier!  Basically crying and saying she misses me and loves me and want to do counselling and make this relationship work!  When I agreed to counselling the demands started about who I can and cannot talk to and so on, when we started interacting again the same old accusations were there about me cheating stopping at a convenient store for a soda. And all the other craziness about me being a cheating Hunter always hunting for other women. In counselling I asked for three things, 1- delete all of your dating sites. 2- if we have a argument you to not run out with another guy. 3- seeing as how it is always me doing things for her the whole relationship I wanted her to cook me a dinner.  Roughly 2 months later she had run out with two different men during arguments, not one dating site was deleted, and I never got my dinner!  We were on the phone and it was the same old arguing with accusations and bull crap so I just said I do not want to do this any more, we are just fighting and arguing as usual and you have not done one thing I have asked in counselling which are basically normal relationship standards!  I'm done.

Wow Targeted sorry I missed that. Sounds textbook. It always seems to go that way, they acting like it can go different but it always ends up the same. My ex managed to keep up the different vibe for two days through limited texting and then already went to her old brhaviour apparently! Truly pathetic.

Yup!  The way she would interact with other men was always totally inappropriate for a relationship, I would be accused of cheating because I stopped at the gas station for a soda but she would give her a phone number to every man she works with!  When she called crying and wanted counselling she said she would give up everything, I know a few of the guys and they are nonthreatening  to the relationship and those could be considered friends, but the other 50 or 60 should really not be around. It got so crazy as her telling me I cannot even ride my motorcycle to work otherwise I am hunting, in our last counselling session I let her go on and on about my staring at other women and being a dog!   Then I explained to the counsellor the truth and behaviour is behind it, how I can not even stop for a soda or even passed by a female in the store without being accused of hunting, this may have not been in the correct way to get a borderline to get help but I told the counsellor I know her family history, I have known her for over 10 years, I know her sexual past, I know her problems with impulsivity, this looking at other women thing is nothing more then insecurity stemming from a fear of abandonment! I let him know that there are many things about her that she has not disclosed yet with abuses that she has been through and I believe they all have a affect, I told him I studied this for the 910 months that we were broken up and I fully believe she has a borderline type personality! I did say there is a chance I could be wrong but I don't think so and if a relationship is going to work for her with me or anybody else on this earth she should look into this for herself. I have also had the intimate relationship with her and everything points in that direction.   Yes I would like to see her look into that but I have no expectation that she will

Yeah its insane. My ex never cheated on me THAT I KNOW OF. But Im starting to seriously doubt that afterwards. I mean she was always insecure of the fact that I would cheat (which I would never do). Perhaps she was projecting.

Oh well, doesn't matter now anymore.

Yup!   I gave her another chance in counseling but knew what to expect now!   In case anyone thinks I'm heartbroken over this I'm not!  I Like that I love and care for her but it's not up to me to beat BPD or learn how to accept it!

It's up to her to fix it!  I can only point her in the right direction and hope she walks that way.

Dont want to demotivate you but the chance of her walking in the right direction is so small that its better to just move on completely. Not worth the efford / waiting mate. Its gonna last you a lifetime. You don't want that.

"... .it's not up to me to beat BPD or learn how to accept it!"

That is the complete truth about the Non's obligation to fix/accept their disorder. Unfortunately, very few people with BPD ever see it that way.

Well she probably doesn't think there's something wrong with her. In any case I don't care if she fixes herself or not  lol :)

Asked some friends if they've heard anything and not really, so at least I'm not getting smeared as of yet. They are on my side though or so they say. Good. I'm ready, b!tch, give it your best shot hahaha

So she let me know she added me on her phone again today after deleting me in rage yesterday. So much for the NC. She has a pic of her with the replacement on whatsapp though so I cant image why she feels the need to be in contact. I dont want to ask. The less she hears from me the better.

Sorry for another bump but I really need the feedback. She has been texting me a fair amount last night and this morning. Just small talk. But I don't really know what to do with it. I mean I reply back in a civil way. But it feels weird.

Is she trying to friendzone me? Is she trying to recycle? Triangulate?

Worst of all I start to notice that I kinda like the texting. I was SO far ahead of it all, feeling better about myself and starting to become happy, and this new contact is making me anxious and insecure. Andy feedback is appreciated.

She's testing the water with you to see if your available if she needs you. Might not be all rosey with her new partner.

The reason your enjoying the texting is because part of you believed her devaluation of you was warranted. Her contacting like this proves your not as bad as you thought you were. This would make anyone feel good. We all like to have our egos boosted.

God, you're so right. This actually opens my eyes to the previous 10 recycles. Somewhere I believed I wasn't worthy of her, because breaking up was always 'my fault'. So when she came back eventually (most of the time with a list of demands), it made me feel like yes, I AM worthy of her.

Its amazing what some time apart and some of the comments here can do to open your eyes. Its also good to get to know your own weaknesses. I need to stay strong. I am on the right path now and I need to keep it up. I've told some of my friends about the contact and they say the same: that I've made so much progress and that I should be careful to not throw it all away again.

Scary stuff. Thing is, I honestly believe my ex is not pure evil. I do really think that she's thinking she's doing nothing wrong. Its just the way she is wired. But I have to accept that the way she is wired, isn't healthy for me (or pretty much anymore, for that matter).

I'm staying strong. But how? Should I ask her to stop contacting me alltogether? Should I just start ignoring her again?

I totally agree. I dont think my exs are evil just wired up wrong aswell.

If you cut her out she will lash out at you. If you keep communications boring and dont flirt then she will eventually find a new supply. If you tell her you only want to be friends she will feel rejected.

The question is what is best for you?

You know she isnt good for you are you going cold turkey or wanting another hit?

Thing I don't understand is she has supply through my replacement, as far as I know. I dont know why she would want contact. Anyway I wouldnt want her to contact exes when we were together. She probably did without me knowing, I realise now. I dont think telling her only wanting to be friends will do anything. She hasnt really made a recycle attempt, just small talk. But why :/

And yes, the number one question is whats best for me. I know she isnt good for me. Ive went cold turkey but this new contact has just come from completely leftfield and I don't know what to do with it. Another hit? I don't think I'd survive that if it would end up badly again.

She may be out of the idolisation phase. PwBPD want to be adored. Once the honeymoon phase wears off then they miss the early adoration. They then seek it elsewhere. A common place is facebook. I can always tell when my exgf is feeling unloved as her fb activity goes up. She starts liking mundane yhings pepple post then makes posts herself fishing for compliments. She has a number of orbiters who always respond.

If you want to cut contact then why reply? Are you being completely honest with yourself?

Is it manners that cause you to respond or is it that it gives you a sense of worth.

True, from the time I still hand´t blocked her on social media, in the times when she needed it most she would post more selfies on FB and Instagram. Its like they feed on the likes.

I AM completely honest, in the posts above. I am straight in telling that I accept that her talking to me gives me some selfworth. Its what is scaring me, because I was so far in the process of detaching that its scary that some text convo can come dangerously close to hooking me again.

The safest option would be is to cut all contact immediately. Of course, that would mean that I wouldnt know if she would try to keep contacting me, which is scary for other reasons (mainly my self worth that seems to still be dependent on her contacting me).

Difficult stuff, it really makes me reflect upon myself and my progress.

Self reflection can be a good thing but too much can just make us feel broken.

we can all pick holes in ourselves but if you keep picking they only get bigger.

The reason a text can knock you so far back could be that you may still be holding on to a hope that it could still work out. It might only be a small piece of you but its enough to prevent full detatchment.

I know because ive been there.

Once you realise they wont change and truely accept this then that last hope slowly slips away.

Care to share the story (again, probably) about how you've come to the full realisation of your ex partner never changing?

Mines a little more complicated as I have a uBPD ex wife and a uBPD exgf. To make it mis when I realised there was nothing I could do. Ire messy I have kids with both.

After splitting with the ex wife I thought she had some sort of mental health issue but thought it was HPD. Her T confirmed there was an issue.

I then got together with my exgf. She was an exgf from years ago and my first love. We were together two and a half years and it was her abusive, jekyl and hyde behaviour that led me to BPD. After reading up on BPD i realised it was most likely what my ex wife had.

After more research I became an advocate of nature over nurture being the cause. This Is when I realised I couldnt fix her no matter what I did.

Interesting story, thanks for that.

I think Im going to cut the contact again, its doing nothing good for me. She had to tell she was going out for diner. Okay. What good is that information to me? I dont care if it is with her bf or parents or whatever, I just dont think contact with her adds anything to my life other than some small fleeting feeling of being worthy. But Ive learned to feel worthy by myself, so I dont need contact with her to feel that. Actually its making me feel less good about myself, because when I was in Nc i felt stronger and more in control. NC remains the way to go. Ill just stop answering and expect her to stop it once she sees im not biting anymore. Ill keep you all posted on how it goes!

Personally I think thats the right choice. My exgf throws in little nuggets of information like that. I dont care if she's going to have a long soak in the bath or have a few drinks with friends. I dont know why she does it all I know is that im not interested.

I wish you the best

EM

If you haven't read it yet or haven't reviewed it in a while, there is information in the following article on No Contact and ending relationships that you might find helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm)

Could be projection... .perhaps her telling you that you're in a bad place is a reflection of the fact that she's in a bad place.

Thanks, same to you.



Thank you for that link. The clean, no-nonsense way it was written down really hit home with me.



Yeah perhaps, or she heard that I was depressed a few months ago and figures I still am. Meh.

Close to Freedom... .pwBPD do not change if they just keep doing the same things in their life.

Mine was off with new man... .for one year.   My Mom was dying for one year... .never heard a peep (but I was absolute NC, because of her selfish, abusive behavior)... .  The evening before my Mom's memorial service, I am out in the yard reading some spiritual literature (in a good place mentally as I had been there for my Mom and was at peace with her passing).  Glad I had my shades on, 'cause my ex does a drive-bye, I see her in my peripheral... .don't give an inch of any awareness, (she has a new car, I saw her in it at a traffic light, she thinks she is camouflaged during her drive-bye, NOT! LOL!).

Nothing happens... .guess she was just sight-seeing? Morning of my Mom's memorial service, I go out to get in my car and there is a note on the windshield. I open wondering What the heck?... .(did not connect the dots yet As I have a lot on my mind)... .I don't read, scan to bottom, see her signature... .refold letter, tear-up, get out of my car and walk to trash cans. Dispose.

She did a drive-bye to leave a note on my car, like a 7-year old.  Could not talk to me like an adult. Was not there for me during the year that my Mom was dying. She was off with new supply. Could not care less about me. I was alone, no support. Tough stuff.

I had worked hard on me. I had changed. I do not need that crap in my life. I deserve better. I gave better.

All done.

I know she is sick, and I have empathy for that, but I just do not need that craziness in my life

... .not even a little.

You are getting there, too! Keep going!

I guess you are right. It never really gets better. The contact has just left me confused. Yesterday she was doing small talk again. One minute she says she was planning to talk to me for a few weeks already, the next minute she tells me she's hanging out with the replacement tomorrow.

I just don't see the point in it all. Is she trying to keep the attachment alive, keeping me as back up? Is she just trying to get me to be a friend?

Again, it just leaves me confused. I'll let her talk without replying from now on. Not to give the silent treatment but to let the convo fizzle out. It's doing me no favours. And I was so far removed from the attachment as well. I feel like it has set me back a few steps. Then again, I felt pretty far ahead already, so a few steps back is surviveable. I'll manage.

She is running classic love triangle on you where she is the center of power. (No love there).

You will be better to you if you just block her diatribe and get on with your life.

It takes time.  If your situation is like mine was, there is nothing there for you but hurt, confusion and pain. Remember... .that person is not "well".

I have to say I'm new to this triangle stuff. It was never the case during the breaks in our relationship, there wasn't really another man involved back then (well sometimes there was but she dropped them as soon as she saw I was interested again).

So what is the point in these triangles? Is it just for attention, so she can feel the center of the universe? Or is there an end game? I know you can't predict the future, but what does common experience tell? Is she trying to decide which person she goes with eventually, or is it just getting supply from me / keeping the attachment alive for the sake of it?

The fact that I'm asking these questions tells me I should back off asap, by the way, so you are right in that.

"So what is the point in these triangles? Is it just for attention, so she can feel the center of the universe? Or is there an end game? Is she trying to decide which person she goes with eventually, or is it just getting supply from me / keeping the attachment alive for the sake of it?"

It doesn't matter what her point is. How do her actions effect you and your feelings?

You deserve  and want a loving partner.

She is unable to give YOU that.

She continually shows you that she cannot, even though she once may have.

(Trust me, getting to the point that I am describing is no "walk in the park", it takes lots of self love, therapy in my case, and healing).

The question I had to ask myself was: "have I had enough pain yet, or do I want to go back for some more?"

I so, so, so identify with what you are going through.

Man, those are some hard (but true) words. I gain nothing from this. Deep down inside I hope for some sort of redemption, knowing that she still wants me. Even though I never could go back.

I need to quit this contact. Its not helping me. Why do they do this? Its like they want us to suffer!

To keep us around in case the triangulation complex kicks in again. I noticed this after the BU with my ex-BPD. My ex has had a years long dispute with one of his/her family members, where I have acted as support and enabled the bad behavior between them both, by indulging my ex's stories about this family member. After the breakup, I noticed how the relationship between was all of a sudden fixed. After reading up on triangulation and the dynamics of painting black and white, I realised I was painted black whereas the family member was now painted white. It's a ridiculous view of the world, but it is the truth for many BPDs. I'm not sure it implicates direct wish to cause you suffer, even if it feels that way, but she wants to keep you in loop in case she needs to paint the replacement black. That's at least part of the reason why I believe my ex-BPD never deletes contacts of former ex's - to make sure there is plenty supply of guys/girls to paint white whenever it is needed.

Thrown her off my phone. Feck it. It really messes with my mind. And she's with someone else, I don't want to be triangulated. I'm worth more than that. I won't answer anything by her anymore.

Good for you CTF

Now is your time. Time for you to live your own life and move forward.

Yeah, she noticed she's not on my phone anymore and send a few messages.

'So I'm not on your phone anymore again?'

'Apparently'

Thats all I received. Haven't replied. Time to stay strong.

As for living my own life and moving forward: that was exactly what I was doing the past few months. This is just a setback. Going to keep moving on.

I had to get on the page, (at the time I unfortunately knew nothing about BPD), and see that this person was in a new relationship and that she was was just toying with me. She was sick. ... .at times she was enjoying the pain that she was causing me... .I saw it on her face.

I was in therapy and I made a decision to have absolute NC. Interacting with her was just not healthy 4 me. Way too painful. I changed my phone number. I had to, to protect myself and to send out a clear message to her.  That decision definitely got me further down the road from the insanity that is BPD... .When I was in the middle of the situation, with her calculated contacts, I could not see clearly.

She kept texting last night so I tried to make it clear that I don't see the advantage (for me) to have contact. I asked her what she got out of the contact. I dunno, maybe hoping for a truthful answer?

She said she made contact because we had 'some sort of relationship' for 4,5 years (some sort of relationship? thanks... .) and that she heard rumours and was worried about me. So she wanted to check how I was doing. That she was okay in cutting the contact now that she knows that I'm doing fine.

I dunno, seems like a nonsense answer. She hasn't asked me once how I was doing in the days that she contacted me. I've made it clear that Im doing better now, but she never asked by herself. I think its just a way for her to show me that she doesn't care anymore, to not give the power away.

Right, seems like she's fine with no contact. Onwards with life... .

This is obvious shame. My ex did the same thing. Called me an egocentric lying ass. I'm the opposite. Very honest, and anything but egocentric. Even her mom once said "I don't know how you put up with my daughter, she's so incredibly egocentric."

Deep down, my ex knows this. She's trying to project it onto me. But she can't. I'm too good of a person for that.

She needs/wants to be in contact with you to keep you in the wings. She will NEVER admit that... .so she postures and acts like she is being compassionate. If she actually cared (not just says she cares), she would be there. She is keeping in contact with you for her own selfish needs only.  Disregard all of her words and carefully watch her actions. They tell the very painful true story. I know. I lived it, too.

I feel for you... .I suffered way longer than I needed to. ... .but the sooner you cut all contact the sooner you can start to heal. I could be wrong... .but your situation just reeks of mine!

There Ya go!   |iiii

I appreciate the way you make clear that you've been there as well, Infared. It makes me feel less crazy / pathetic. Because having (low) contact with her IS making me feel kind of weak, like I don't belong on this part of the forum, like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to. Its very difficult. If my ex truly cared about me, she would have left me alone for good, so that I could continue the healing. Instead, this makes me feel like the healing is on pause, of even slightly progressing backwards. Which is just what she wants, probably. Destroy any progress I've made so that I remain forever broken. Its like she can only comfortably go on with life knowing that her toy has stopped moving, is safely stored so that if she ever feels like taking it out, she can just do that.

Wow,great thread! My ex used to break contact all the time, simply to scream at me. During the devaluation period he routinely kept me blocked. He never really called either. When he did talk it was after much pleading on my part, and he did nothing but whine he was tired, sick and needed rest. Or, hed talk a little then drop me immediately once someone better came online.  Then hed be up all night chatting with other people. He had very strict rules about contact. Id literally need permission to call him. Yet he had NO problem calling me to insult me or scream whenever his rules were broken or  it benefitted him. Sometimes hed make contact after a period of ST just to make me cry. He could go for hours, and there was no reasoning with him.  His words were so cruel itd literally leave me screaming in the fetal position. If I hung up hed call back 50 times. If I took phone off hook hed call back the next day to finish. Yet hed be the first to tell you all about my "text torture" or how I bothered him. A reverse recycle, I guess. Very twisted.

Sometimes I felt that behind a ploy of sincerity, my ex pwBPD only made contact with me to see if the hook was still set. Nothing more. That realization was quite sickening, but if recognized directly (at times I witnessed her gloating),  it helped me to move on from a very sick human being.

Well, update: I've been totally off her phone and blocked since yesterday, so guess that's the end of this round of contact  :)  Takes some getting used to again though, you get used to the contact FAST. Pretty dangerous stuff. But I'll be alright.

Small update, haven't heard from her all weekend and still blocked. Guess the need for attention is over! Feeling better and more relaxed already. It is incredible how fast you can catch those 'fleas' from them.

An update again; haven't heard from her in a week.

Strange thing was though her best friend (female friend) called me through Whatsapp today and hung up immediately. Asked her what that was about and she said she made a mistake, wanted to send a photo to her mother. Strange, as those are two entirely different actions. Now the way to make a call on whatsapp is to click this icon that is next to my picture and whatsapp status. Something tells me she was checking those out and accidentally clicked on the call icon. I've been thinking this friend of my ex has been keeping tabs one me, she was also the one with my ex when they went out to the place I always visit.

Just a small thing but it kinda triggered me. I have no doubt my ex is keeping tabs on me, though all kinds of ways, including her friend.

Seems pretty obvious she's keeping tabs or at least her friends are for her. Ive often thought about putting something on fb to see if it triggers my ex but I dont need the hassle. At the end of the day them stalking you has no effect on you unless you let it.

How about posting my new shoes on instagram and her doing the same next day. Lol. What a 'coincidence'.

Anyway each day of no direct contact is making me feel more at peace! Never expected to get there.

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