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I think I've had an ah-ha moment, so to speak. I've always thought it was because I am just oversensitive, but I now wonder if my uBPDm is behind why I always feel an irrational sense of guilt when I make a minor mistake or even if it is not a mistake, I often feel guilty over things beyond my control. I think it may stem from my uBPDm's erratic behavior and her blaming me for so much that as a child I learned to feel guilty for just about everything.

It makes complete sense to me now. I may be oversensitive, but maybe it is because it is due to growing up with the erratic behavior, not because it is a personal flaw.

Do you find this rings true for you?

I sometimes have a difficulty with this, too, though I think for me it's probably also just a facet of my personality. I'm pretty sure I would struggle with it to some extent even if my uBPDmom had not been disordered. I don't see it as a flaw, exactly; more of a challenge, and an opportunity to be kind to myself.

However, I do think it's been harder to grow in this area because of the disordered way I was raised. Though as I continue to heal, I wonder if this becomes a strength - because I can see how my mother fostered guiltiness and fear as motivators in my life, and because I now know how very wrong this was, it is perhaps easier for me to gently tell those parts of my own personality that I do not need the guilt and fear any longer. That these minor mistakes are forgivable where forgiveness is needed, and that forgiveness really isn't needed for many of them - because mistakes do not necessarily mean I did wrong.

Is it guilt, or does it feel more like shame? A parent projecting their shame onto a child, who has a developing sense of self, and thus no adult-level psychological defense against it, can be damaging.

Makes sense to me.

What you said got me thinking... .I don't have a BPD mom but an invalidating one and what you say does ring true to me but it isn't guilt so much with me, my thing is to accept blame for things and even own things that aren't mine to own (I will take the blame for someone elses mistakes - I know nuts right )... .I am overly responsible and a rule follower.  Always trying to do the "right" thing to get my mom's approval.

I think both you and in our different ways were trying to be perfect, to be what we thought would make our mothers love us and it's just manifested it's self in different ways based on the ways they parented.

It definitely feels like guilt. I often think I shouldn't have said or done something that set uBPDm off or put her in a bad mood. I know I am not in control of how she reacts to anything and it is her choice to react how she does. I do sometimes think feelings of shame is mixed in there, like I should not have done something and "should" feel ashamed, but I really shouldn't if I look at said situations objectively.


What you say is so true for me! It is accepting responsibility for others feel, even when I am not responsible for whatever happened to make someone upset. It is so messed up that we feel so responsible, but I have yet to figure out a good way not feel this sense of over responsibility, except for recognizing when I feel this way and stop myself from trying to fix things.

Yes, I am a perfectionist and I think I subconsciously am trying to gain uBPDm's approval.

Yes, yes and... .YES.  I think it's b/c they make us feel responsible for them -- their happiness, their sadness, their anger, their disappointment, their everything is all our fault.  So, everything becomes our fault.  So of course we are consumed with guilt over everything. 

It took me a long time to realize I was *not* responsible for everyone's every feeling or emotion.  I still struggle with it.  If my husband is cranky, I have to remind myself -- not my fault, not my problem!  Maybe he had a bad day at work, maybe he doesn't feel well -- whatever!  Not my fault, not my problem!  I have to keep repeating this to myself to remind myself that everything that goes wrong in the world is NOT MY FAULT.  Ugh!