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The thing that hurts the absolute most, I think, is when I'm told that I'm not trying.

Or when I'm told what my motives are. 

She's coming back to mediate a settlement, pack her things, and say goodbye to friends.  Of all the things I dread, it's not a lousy settlement, or even a disaster of a drawn out contested divorce.  I dread being told that I didn't try.

I've spent the last few hours wishing things were different.  I was cold and logical for the past month or so... .but I've lost it tonight.

Gomez

Hi Gomez, I am sorry for your struggles with this. What do you think it is about hearing that you are not trying? Still FOG? A trigger from your past?

My ex does something similar. Since she left our marriage, she's said things along the lines of, "I can't believe you don't even care enough to fight for me or make this work." As if I hadn't spent ages trying. She said similar things during a break-up early on in our relationship, years ago.

I feel what you're saying. There is something particularly hurtful about being told you don't care, or haven't given it your best, when in fact you've put all of yourself into the relationship. If there's anything I'm guilty of in my relationship, it's certainly not a failure to "care enough." Those of us who tend to fall for someone with BPD/attachment issues probably see our unwavering loyalty to and patience with our partners (er, codependence?) as a huge part of our identity; so being told we are insincere or insufficient in our dedication is about as bad an insult as we can receive.

Ultimately, I think you have to remind yourself that this is just more projection coming from her. When my ex says "You don't care, you won't even fight for me," I think what she's really saying is, "I can't accept and reciprocate love. I was always going to push you away, and I hate you for reminding me of this fact."

So, as much as it hurts, realize that what your ex is saying is much more about her than it is about you. You can't let her projection deflate your self-esteem. Don't worry about whether or not you tried. Of course you tried like crazy. Rather, when you have enough energy to begin doing so, ask yourself why you spent so much effort, gave so much of yourself, to someone who ultimately could not accept it. That's where you'll begin to lay the foundation for moving on.

So are you, and were you, trying gomez?  Looking inside for validation of your efforts and finding it, instead of outside, especially from her, might make whatever she says blah, blah, yes?

I'm sorry. This sounds familiar and it is very hurtful. I've been married 13years. Only in the last 2 months has my husband actually acknowledged a problem but now that I'm run into the ground, I hear the same thing. I wish I knew how to not be hurt by it. I think you just have to keep giving yourself credit for your efforts.

If all goes well with the divorce, the path to healing will be on the horizon very quickly.

If all goes well with the settlement (fair to her, fair to me), that path to healing will not involve financial struggles (within reason).

I need to figure out how to manage the pain right now, so I can prepare myself for her coming back into town for a month while we hash out the divorce.

And I need to have a back-up plan in case things get ridiculous.

Thanks, everyone for your help.

Gomez

I turned that around on her in my head. If you're making a huge effort, putting up with heavy emotional damage and trying to make amends even when she's screaming at you, and she STILL thinks you're not actually trying, just how much effort would you need to count as 'trying' in her eyes? At some point, you have to realize that NOTHING you do is ever going to be enough, and that you can be literally killing yourself in an attempt to make things work and she still will make the accusation. To me, that made it much easier to invalidate her statements, and treat them as nonsense that I don't pay any more attention to than some weirdo wrapping his head in foil to keep out CIA mind control rays.

At the end, my ex- posted about how she realized our relationship only had room for one person's emotions, which I found funny. She meant that I just wasn't 'mature' enough to deal with her emotions and so the relationship I needed would be one where only I could have feelings. But the truth is, her emotions were so big and triggered by such incredibly minor things (like folding laundry or turning off an unused speaker) that they couldn't fit into any healthy relationship, and in our relationship they pushed out any space for me to have normal emotional responses, because I always needed to be managing hers. It was a true statement, but for the direct opposite of what she meant by it. I think a lot of things they say are like that.