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Ok, many of you have already seen my story so I am not going into all the past issues.  I have not been living at home for about a month, until last week, when she wanted to try and reconcile.  It was a difficult few days.  Got in trouble because by time grocery shopping was done it was too late to get food from restaurant she wanted, and she basically was consumed by this project for her grandmother.

Anyways, we once again came up what is going on with my mother for Mother's Day which was odd because my wife has informed everyone in my family to never contact her and in addition, has most on call block.  My mother did ask me if i wanted to come for Mother's Day I am guessing cause she figured iw as kicked out of the house and I had mentioned that we might be divorcing.  I did not tell my wife that as she would have flipped out, but that comes in later.  In any case, Wednesday comes around and my mother is asking me about Mother's Day.  I ask if my wife and kids are invited and she says she did nto know we were back together, and that she does not want to cause any trouble at the lunch because basically my wife has had words with everyone in my family recently.  I find it very sad, and know it is going to hurt my wife, but at same time, I know my wife would decline anyways.  I inform my mother that i will not be attending mothers day and spending it with my wife and kids.  My wife is devastated.  I am a bit puzzled because she has informed them all if they contact her she will call the police, so what does she expect?  She says I should have quit my job over it etc... .

Saturday my wife does her thing at her grandmothers retirement home and the the activities director says they were planning to hire somebody monday, but she should turn in her resume and see what can be done.  Mother's Day rolls around, and I do not see my mother per my wife's wishes and we spend the day together.  That night she brings up my mother again and we go through the whole thing again.  Monday she asks me to have my step father do a background check to see if the DWI she is nearly finished with probation with is on her record.  The concern is that the new job will require driving a bus and that could affect the job.  Of course, it is on her record.  She has court that morning for her mother's estate which depresses her and then she gets a notice from job that they had already made an offer to the other person but if it falls through they will keep her in mind.

This is devastating to her as she believes it another rejection to go with my family rejecting her for Mother's Day.  My mother then comes in and says she got a Mother's Day card with the name in it of my last name plural.  My mother stated she thought it was from me, but she did not know if it for some reason would be from her ex-husbands family since my father and that side had talked some since my father's father died a couple of months ago.  She also was not sure because it was not my handwriting and my wife and kids do not use my last name.  I informed her and she said that was kind and thoughtful.  She said she was not sure if she should tell my wife thanks or not since my wife has stated to never contact her.  I am sure my mother is also a bit hurt that I did not see her Mother's Day and that I have been living out of an office for 6 weeks while my wife has everything and contributes nothing basically. 

Anyways, my wife is out drinking in the afternoon with sister and I can tell is already mad over Mother's Day and over the job.  She told me she will not be coming home because it is not a good idea meaning she will hammer me if she does.  She then asks if my mother got the card.  I relay the whole thing how she got the card but didnt know it was from her but said thank you.

My wife promptly informs me I am kicked out of house again.  She said my mother is doing that to snub her and she had to know it was from her and the return address was on the back.  Now, I do not know if my mother had a few drinks in her or didnt look at back for return address or not.  I did not see any of this as a big deal.  I wish my mother had texted a thank you, but at same time, I can understand why she did not.  My wife's sister said i am a moron and should have not said that my mother did not know who it was from and that my mother was taking a shot which I just do not get.

At this point, my wife profusely says she does not want to live.  Stating that she has no friends, dead blood family, and my family hates her and alot of it is because they are sick idiots.  She cannot be with me because I only hurt her and do not defend her against my family and others.  She has no money, no credit, no job... .nothing.  I look at it all and I can see why she would want to die.  At same time, her sister is saying I should cut her slack, but I do not feel that all the crap she goes through warrants what she does to me neither.  She says we are divorcing... .I cannot see kids.  I am scared to death she is going to die or kill herself.  She has attempted twice 7 years ago.  I have never seen anyone more miserable.  She refuses to see any doctors as she feels they all failed her.  She will not say she is going to commit suicide so I cannot enforce anything and her sister is supporting her choice to not get help.

I am terrified of her, and a bit relieved to be away, but I feel I am in a situation where

a. I feel guilt if she dies because I did not do all I could or my mistakes fueled alot of it.  Be it mistakes that are innocent enough, they still fueled it.  Maybe I am a stupid monster or naive or being played by my family, or too stupid to see I am not there

b. I am not responsible, but it is still like watching your wife die of cancer and she is not seeking help.  Wracked in pain. 

I personally do not want to live through this.  I really would like to go to sleep and not deal with any of this or wake from the guilt or sadness of this all myself, and I know my wife is hurting even more.  I do feel that if she is not going to get help, that the only way the pain will stop is death.  I can never tell her that, but this feels like a situation where

1. I either abandon her and destroy her to save myself and live with that guilt. 

2. I am consumed by all of this too and financially, emotionally, mentally, and in every way am destroyed trying to save her which I cannot

It seems inevitable she is going to die at this point relatively soon.  It is so bad I honestly would rather find out she is seeing somebody else and is out of love with me and can live rather than see this here. 

There is nobody to help.  My family has no clue how to deal with my wife and are scared of her.  She has no family except a sister who does not seem to think any of this is that serious.

I have no clue how I can keep up with this either in th emiddle of it or outside of it, and even worse is how can she.  What about the kids too?

I just want to do the right thing here.  This it totally out of my expertise, and with the bagguage of the past with us and my family and her... .there i sno comfort.  It just keeps coming up.

There is an option that you have been avoiding for sometime now. You can always seek professional help. Things have been spiraling for quite sometime and it is up to you to take control. If you are truly concerned with her dying or engaging in self-harming behaviors, it is time to make a few phone calls and let a professional intervene.

Being in limbo with making a decision is going to do nothing but exacerbate your guilt. You have the power to alleviate your guilt.

She is not self harming, and I have been informed there is nothing anyone can do because it is not imminent according to Texas law.  She is very careful to make sure it does not cross that line.  I have contacted her doctors and my doctors.  It is why doctors in hospice basically kill you by starving you to death.  Saying you want to die is not same as saying you are going to kill yourself apparantly.  I mean I want to die... .I am not planning on killing myself.  She specifically states that too.  Her laying in bed crying all the time and not eating.  Her doctors at this point will not even talk to me anymore.  Her sister will not.

My doc says there is nothing that can be done if she chooses this.  I work with City Mental Health and Retardation, and there is nothing they can do.  

So the problem is she is working the system and working it better than I can.  Now if she gets to Karen Carpenter situation, sure I can do something then.  If she says she is going to kill herself or attempts to I can, but she learned all the tricks from past two attempts 7 years ago and from years of therapy with countless doctors

She can just torment me though by saying she is going to die... .it implies sooner rather than later, but we are all going to die so its not technically anything anyone can move on

The part that makes it really hard is not so much that I am alone, but that there is one person also involved... .Her sister.  Her sister pretty much thinks psychologists and mental illness is BS so I am being fought on it all

Hurthusband:

You are LONELY, not alone. You are lonely because you let her cut off all of your support system, like your family or your friends. You are lonely because you let her putting the guilt on you for everything she has done (not what you have done, let's be clear on that). It seems very strange to me that you are concerned for her life , but apparently she is not too concerned with her life. You will forever be concerned for her life, because she is not going to change. So you have to change yourself, my friend.

You have to seek a support system, like a therapist or a good trusting friend.

On top of all you have to trust yourself in making the decision.  You must muster up your courage as a man to face your reality and deal with it. The courage to say "i will make the decision and live with the consequence , whatever it may be".

If you continue your road of INDECISIVENESS then nothing that we, or your friend or your family say, can help you. If writing or posting on this board can serve as temporary masking of you problems then do it, but don't expect your dilemma or your problems to go away. They go away only when you take actions, like a person who drinks too much, only when he faces his own demon and says it outloud "I am an alcoholic and I have been dried for ... .".

If you are obese and laden with heart problems, then no matter how much you complaint or write or discuss with people, but not cutting back your eating habits, nor increasing your excercising programs, then your heart problem will not go away. You see what I am saying ?

YOU HAVE GOT TO MAKE SOME DECISIONS AND TAKE ACTIONS.

Is there anything that gets her out of bed?  

It is a sordid state if the children are there alone with her and she does nothing but cry in bed.  Who is taking care of them?

In Texas, it is very difficult to get help for somebody especially if the person is making indirect threats.

One thing you can do is stop answering the phone and stop responding to the threats.

If she makes a threat and you are not there, call the police and have them do a welfare check. In Texas, the police will go to her house, check on her, and make sure she is safe. If you are concerned for her safety for any reason, you can call the police and have them do a welfare check.

EaglesJuju:

I believe the children are hers , and not Hurthusband's.  I cannot believe that she is using her own children to blackmail or put the guilt on this man, who is only a step father, by threatening that she will never let him see those kids.

It is a good point and it must happen, but what if there is something I am missing.  Maybe I should go down with the ship... .is that my responsibility as a husband?

basically child care for most part is if I am there.  If the kids need something she will do it.  She will get them food from fast food or something, but they are teenagers so they do alot on their own by choice. 

She has no job, no friends, no real family... .so no reason to get out of bed

the hard thing is that while she is hurt unlike anyone I have ever seen, she does not see her contribution to making things worse by her own actions or the circumstances of others. some of it is like somebody who is drowning.  you go to help them and they pull you under drowning you.  It is not cause they want to, it just happens.

The question is then do you let them drown

I think for me it was a question about my kids.

Do I FIGHT for myself for the kids future and health?

Regardless of being teenagers, is it fair to say when you are not there, the children are being somewhat neglected?

What do the kids think about the situation? 

Have you looked into getting her involuntarily committed?

I believe that, in Texas, if there are two or three people that are willing to swear an oath as to the condition of her mental health, that she can be taken in and observed/questioned.

How old are the teens? Are they concerned about their mother's mental health? If so, perhaps you and the kids can go down to the police station and see if you can get a mental health warrant sworn out for her to be checked out/observed/something.

There is no need for you to go down with the ship.

A captain by tradition (not necessarily all cases) would go down if the ship. The word captain here implies that he/she has control of the ship and its personnel. But in your case, you mistakenly think or assume you are the captain, but in reality it seems to me that you have NO CONTROL of the ship. Your wife is in total control of the ship and you are simply a sailor on her boat. She is running the ship aground into a big rock and unfortunately you are in a total denial of reality.

Winner finds ways to win and loser find excuses. what type of people do you want to be ?

You have got to change your attitude to taking charge of your life & your happiness, from finding excuses for the mishaps and the ship wreck.

What is the responsibility of being a husband, you asked. But let me turn in around and ask you, what is the responsibility of being a wife. WHat is her responsibility toward you in this marriage ? Is she holding her end of the deal?

You keep finding excuses for  doing NOTHING . You let things happen to you, instead of making things happen. Here are some examples that you can take actions on :

1. she threatens to kill herself (I think she said it just to put the guilt on you - thus making you conform to her commands). Instead of just sitting there , blaming yourself for what if she actually kills herself, CALL THE APPROPRIATE AUTHORITY for help . That is how you can help her.

2. She threatens to not let you see HER KIDS (mind you they are not YOUR KIDS).  Do you know that the kids if they really like you, as teenagers can can still see you if they wish. WHen they turn 18 or became more mature, no one can stop them from seeing you. You have to accept the facts that no matter what you try to act, these kids are not yours .

3. See a therapist. explore with the professional help about why you feel so afraid of her and her threats. You need some impartial adviser who are trained to help bring clarity into your thoughts.

4. Visualize the life you want to have and then live it. let no one pull of you off that trail

5.

I have asked the kids.  they will not speak up against their mom, but they say she maybe angry some but they just ignore it and are okay for most part because she is not bothering them

I have looked into involuntary.  You can petition for it, and the police will assess her, but if she seems like she is not a threat they do nothing.  even if they do take her, they only hold for 3 days.  The problem then is that she can easily placate people for that long and has done it before then gets out and makes people pay big time.  Plus my doctor and her doctor basically said it wont work on her unless he actually makes a threat of suicide which she does not directly make because she knows that law

the problem is the facilities here just do not care.  they lump everyone together.  if you tried to kill yourself, they put you with substance abuse people and make you go to substance abuse classes in the centers and do nothing.  They DO NOT do any form of talk therapy.  

I run a business that does alot of work with MHMR of Texas and its pretty pathetic.  I have only seen three diagnosis of the nearly hundred tenanst I deal with.  

a. schizophrenia

b. bipolar

c. substance abuse - I find this one funny because this is a mental diagnosis.  I would think there are underlying issues to this

The funnier part is NONE of these people are required to seek therapy as part of their stipulation for government assistance.  Even more funny is the case workers when they are contacted, actually help the clients skirt the laws or get around rules of the programs, or are literally played by the client like a fool.

I do not know anyone who actually has gone to seek mental health that has been helped from any institution in the state of Texas.  I have heard Menninger's in Houston is a good one, but it is a hospital facility and a bit further away.  My wife is VERY obstinent about a hospital setting.  I think this stems from previous stints in mental facilities in here where one consistant of handcuffed to a gurney in a hallway due to overcrowding of one for a few days without being allowed to use restroom unless literally supervised by a male, and the other being the same hospital that her father died in due to neglectful care and that while she was there for bipolar (misdiagnosed BPD) and suicide but only treated for substance abuse which she was not even doing

good point... .she is running the ship aground and she is in control.  Is it possibly a general who is responsible for the behavior of his soldiers?  No, I think you are right


Should I abandon her because she abandoned me?  I am seeing a therapist for all of this, but i suppose I value her opinion more for some odd reason which we are working on.

Instead of going the hospital route which will probably not work.  Have you tried encouraging her to go to marriage counseling that is done by a psychologist?  Pursue it with that angle, that talking to someone to 'de-stress' and with the notion that 'we have nothing to lose' by trying it.  If she doesn't go, go yourself.  Get ideas from the psychologist on how to encourage your wife in going.  It will also help you in dealing with this situation.

As your wife sees changes in you by going, it might give her encouraging signs for her to go as well.  :)on't pressure her, just offer her.  When she talks, listen.  :)on't interrupt.  :)on't give advice unless she asks for it.  If you are to give advice ask if you can give it first.  She is crying for help, she doesn't want to die she wants the pain to stop.  

She has not only abandoned you , but also on a bigger scale, abused you. A relationship requires 2 persons to make it work. In your case, only you who want to make it work. Well, what is the chance of having a happy and sustainable relationship with just one person wanting to work on it ?  Very slim chance, Hursthusband.

Again, you continue to raise excuses after excuses as to why you should stay in this marriage.  Like I said before:

WINNER FINDS WAYS TO WIN, and LOSERS FINDS EXCUSES.  What do you want to be - a winner or a loser ?

You seem to have abandoned yourself, your friends, your family, and your stepkids for this woman who apparently doesn't want your help or anyone else's.

You just seem to be spinning in never ending circles with your wife and the centripetal force of her drama just keeps you spinning.

The only person you have control of or can change is yourself and the only person you are responsible is yourself.  Your wife is an adult it is her job to take are of herself and be responsible for herself, it is not your job to 'Manage" her life, her actions and her drama.

I laid it all out last night. Asked her to lunch today.  She said she needs help and thinks inpatient will help.  We talked and things looked like they might be moving positive direction.  Then she saw her gynecologist this afternoon.  He told her that thst had more scar ing from an abortion than he had ever seen and papsmears  will hurt and she saying she can't have children now.  This sent her over the edge.  She got pregnant at the same time the physical abuse started and everything started badly.  I didn't know if good idea for child but said I support her.  She was hesitant but then the doc was a nightmare.  Now this.  I can't handle this guilt and she throwing it hard at me.  Am I at fault?

You are at fault only when you tell yourself that you are at fault.

I don't know why you keep on believing you are at fault for your wife's predicament.

When you laid out things with her. Do you both agree on the next step(s) that she must do ?

What are you going to do if she does not do what you both have agreed to?

It looks to me like your wife's life is FULL OF WRONG THINGS, if not this is wrong then some other things are wrong. Sincerely, I don't believe your wife will change. She might say she'll change but based on your history, I doubt it.

Then stop accepting it.  It isn't yours... .it's hers and she can't handle it so she throws it at you.

I do believe alot of other things are getting confused into all of this.  Past 6 months, she lost her job, both her parents died, my grandfather died, her best friend disappeared literally, my mother kicked my step father out of the house, teenage son got into a serious incident at high school, her grandmother nearly died, and that is just on top of regular daily pressures

She wants to feel loved, and feels I am not giving it, but I think it is much more than that, and accept that to a degree.  Incident like couple of days ago where basically, a doctor damage her body and she may not be able to have kids anymore is a pretty serious blow... .I cannot help but feel a bit responsible and saddened by it all

Its all a mess.  I hear what you are all saying and I do believe in what you are all saying.  It is weird because I then feel a need to protect her against criticism even if it is valid

The feeling of defending her is natural. Leaving aside everything else, she's still your wife. I even now have protective feelings of my Ex.

What's going on today, hh?

Hurthusband:

I can see that there are a lot of stuffs going on in her life that might have triggered her negative behaviors.

You are still making excuses for her behaviors toward you. It matters not you see those behaviors and their causes, but it matters MOST if she herself sees them as well. If she can see that then she can slowly making changes, but if you are the only one who see the problems then her behaviors WILL NEVER CHANGE, no matter how many excuses you give her. Next year there will be more crises and so more excuses. Do you see what I am seeing?

Is she wanting to change ? and if yes, how?  - This is the key for all of your problems now.

If she does not want to change then what do you do?

Once a wise man wrote , "you cannot give what you don't have.".  She complaints that you don't give her love, well it is because you don't have any love to give out. Your love engine is dried out because of all the negativism. On her part, she does not have any love to give out either. So the question is how you each can re-establish that love feeling in side so you can give it out to others.

anyone have an answer on that one?  I am curious.  Things are just rollercoasting along.  Usually 3 days allowed home then booted out 4.  Its a mess and its a further mess cause her Interlock is supposed to come off tommorow but court and attorney have everything messed up.  Another fee apparantly has to be paid for a month of service because attorney cant get stuff handled.

Then have kids bday next week

I just dont know

The answer is right in front of you, except that you choose not to see it.  You have put up so much resistance and blocks in your own mind, and thus you are looking only for the magic bullet or a magic wand that can change your wife instantly to the perfect one.

For example as you have indicated, "you are allowed back to home for 3 days, then usually you are kicked out on the 4th day." If that happens 1 time, then it is ok but after the 3rd time, I would seriously take a look at why I am being kicked out of my own house that many times. Do you see what I am saying?

yea... .kicked out 3 times in past week alone.  allowed back one day. then booted next... .

This last week I took off Saturday for my son and his bday.  My wife made plans for his actual bday next weekend but really did not consult me on if I wanted to go because I was kicked out at the time.  Now she also knows the first/last weekend of the month is busy and taking off Saturday is frowned upon severely.  Nobody does it... .not the owner or anyone.

Result was I was going to take off this Saturday.  I did it even though I was kicked out of the house in anticipation I still might be able to see him.  I also spent 8 hours during my work days last week working on getting my wife's probation wrapped up and her interlock device off the car.  She was extremly thankful and kind and welcomed back home. 

Saturday we woke up and she was a bit irritable.  I asked her what she wanted to do.  I told her our son was wanting to go to the arcade and minature golf.  She said no cause it was raining off and on which was true.  I kept asking and naming all sorts of things I could find out and she kept shooting down every single thing.  Then just walked out on me.  Then she asked about me being off Monday/Memorial Day.  Honestly, i forgot it was memorial day but I never take it off anyways and between all the rains we have had, DWI work, and taking off Saturday... .i do not see how it would be possible.  This greatly upset her.  Once again me not there for her.  She pointed that out, and I apologized that I had to work and know it meant something to her.   We moved on but she kept sniping at me some.  Brought up working Monday twice more.  I tried to bring up that it is bad, but why not concentrate on the time we do have together and do something.  She just kept refusing to do anything but complain and then said I was not trying.  I then shut down.  I just went back upstairs to bed.  I just was not going to sit there and try so hard to do something and be shot down at every turn, sniped, and told I was not trying.

I woke up later, and she was kind, but then started back in a bit and I tried to explain what was bothering me which made her say I am abusive and mean and kick me out again.  Then she wanted dinner and called me back.  came back and she basically ignored anything i said to her after bringing her food

Yesterday morning, I asked if she wanted to do something and went through this all again.  She kept saying no so I said I was going to go to Church.  I did warn her that she knows the Church runs over alot.  I left phone in car to charge and it did run over.  It is supposed to end at noon, but usually runs to 12:30.  It ran until 1 pm.  For some reason, the Church wanted me to come forward and pray for my wife.  I am desperate, I did it, but certainly could not leave early after that act of kindness.  I got out and started to head home when I got a nasty text bout where was i and I was rude for not texting.

I did apologize and said I should have brought in phone and texted.  Asked if she wanted to do somethign which she then said we cant cause I wasted day and i should have not been selfish.  Now... .that did it.  I had begged her before Church to do something.  I was willing not to go.  She wanted to do nothing.  I finally told her that we have a finite amount of time, and I took off the weekend to be with her and our son.  I had been trying to spend time, but she was frankly, sabotaging the weekend by not working with me.  She went in how it is not her fault for grief which I said is completely understandable, and its fine if she does not want to do anything, but its not fair to say that then say I am not trying or berate me.

Result: saying she sabotaged weekend was horrible and abusive and I was kicked out.  For some reason she does not see anything she is doing as wrong or abusive or it is justified.  She is calling me a loser and setting up unrational traps for me though and it does set me off.  I did raise my voice twice when she took some digs at me.  she went into how we are getting a divorce again, filling this week, I am not allowed to contact kids or anything

At 11 pm she says I can come home and sleep, I say no way, and honestly, by that time... .I went to have a couple of drinks.  I should not have been driving.  It should be noted... .I do not drink, but I needed edge off.  Oddly enough a woman came up and starting talking to me, actually I think flirting.  I talked back, and feel guilty about it, but it was pleasant to have a conversation with somebody who seemed to like me and not judging me or hating me or be scared to talk to. Kind of made me realize how isolated I am... .

still I feel bad about that.  worse cause she left her number with me... .not going to call or anything, but last thing I need is more guilt in all of this.  All in all, I just do not know how much I am contributing.  I am becoming a worse person though.  I am worn out from her and helping her and giving up faster and more which hurts her.  I am having thoughts of starting a new life while at same time still being with her which is not right.  I mean some of it would be easier to know how to live if I knew she wanted to work at it or she wanted us done.  I suppose that will have to be my call though.

I certainly do not want to end up some womanizing drunk while not allowed at home and when at home some neglectful ass.  Obviously that is a bit more extreme that what is happening, but I am certainly becoming less and less proud of myself in all of this

Do you see that you are being kicked around like a rag doll or worse yet like a dog? The dog will keep on coming back because it is a dog. You are a smart man, don't let her treat you like a dog, kicking out, calling you back like you are nobody.

You have to stand up for yourself and your right. If she kicked you out one more, then if I were you, that would be the last. Why can't she move out instead of you?

Are you her equal or are you her slave?

Wow what a mess. On the subject of the kids, they are not yours so don't expect them to ever thank you. You think you are being a hero but you are simply a fool. They will probably blame their mothers's predicament on you. 

Think about stepping out of the picture and look at what's going on here. You make excuses for her. Sure, she had a bad month with family dying, friend disappearing etc etc but I would think that she would accept any support you offered and not use that as an excuse that you don't support her enough.

You see, they can drain the blood from your veins and it still isn't enough. You need to decide when she has exceeded your limits and by my reading, that should have been a long time ago.

Run as fast as you can. Abandon her. And do it soon. Good luck in freeing yourself from a problem that is not even yours. What take a bullet for her? You must know she would never do the same for you.

I feel incredibly guilty at this point right now... .

I was invited back home Monday evening and everything went well until 3 am Thursday morning when she got up, started on my mom again and kicked me out.  Friday evening she said she thought about what she did and was wrong.  She was leaving town with the kids and her sister for sons bday and that I was welcome back in the home which I did.

While gone she never talked or anything to me but would text an occasional picture, so Saturday I texted that I was a bit confused as to where we stand.  If we were not together and she was upset, that I understood and that is fair.  If we are, I am confused because she was not responding to me and was acting different and pretty cold.  I just wanted some clarification.  She expressed how she did not know what we were, which I said I can understand, but then went into how I need to change, and I need a new doctor because mine is not helping.  She said she needs help too, but primarily on me.  I just listened and went to sleep.  

One of the things I had been trying to talk to her about was her wheel on her car.  She had smashed a curb and the wheel on her car was bent and literally cracked.  I am in the car business and said I could take it in to get fixed.  She of course kicked me out the day she was leaving so I did not get a chance.  That afteroon, I told her I could bring it the next day but I doubt they would have it done by monday or I could bring it to work monday and the wheel repair shop would pick it up from my business.  She stated either way worked and she would be happy to help me if need be.  Saturday, I asked again to make sure as I know how this all goes down and it usually ends poorly and no response.

So Sunday she is on her way back and I am about to go out and take the wheel off her car and load into my truck for next day.  She then starts a text thing over an hour on the whole wheel thing, how she does not understand why we are not just taking it to Lexus.  I explain Lexus cannot repair wheels and just sends them off then doubling the markup to make some profit for themselves.  She then says why cant discount tire get a new wheel for us which I state it is an OEM wheel so they cannot and even used the wheels are about $300 when we can have repaired for about $125 and within 24 hours most of the time.  She keeps on how she does not understand how this is so difficult and she does not want her car on a jack in the driveway.  How I am not making sense.  I keep trying to explain and after an hour I get frustrated.  I literally beg her to just do it however she wants so I am not in this situatin and in trouble.  She says no and keeps on so i start to cry and she says her sister hears and thinks I am ridiculous etc... . 

I just say I cannot do all of this again and I am going to leave teh house, she asks me to stay to help with bags.  I have her flowers and a bottle of wine for her when she comes back.  Well, mistake because she starts into a 6 pack and is upset the neighbors did not wait to go on a trip til the next weekend without inviting her then gets mad at me over all the changes I need to make.  I am booted from house.

Yesterday no response... .the first is the busiest time for my rental home business so I am furious at work trying to get in government checks into accounts.  The whole DWI thing is still messed up so I get a call that I can meet with a lawyer on it but I gotta leave work early.  I do it.  I handle it and my wife will not respond to anything I tell her til 1 am as I am sleeping in my car again.  Rips me a new one.  

This morning she calls me and I am slammed from yesterdays missed work and everything else.  She then asks me to go to breakfast.  I ask her how she wants to go to breakfast after all she has said and done the past few days.  I say I am slammed with work from previous day taking off early.  I cannot.  She gets furious and lays into me.  How I am a murderer (reference to an abortion she had 2 years ago which I said I support any choice, but it might not be best time, but we can certainly make it work), and I am a bad husband, how she told kids we were divorcing and they did not care... . That hurt me to hear that.  I should have been there with her to explain to kids cause I do worry that if they did care they would think I just left and wasnt there to re-assure them I loved them and would be there... .

I say I cannot handle this, that she is askign me to jump when she says jump and stay away when she says not to.  That I am going to lose my job which she says does not matter anyways.  It is our only income btw.  She calls me another 50 times in next 2 hours.  I ignore 90%.  I cry and say if she had just been empathetic on the call.  Maybe I was scared to just say flat out no and instead went into how I had all this going on because I was scared if I just said I cannot she would respond that I do not care about saving this marriage... .but I do not know if anything can.  I know that office was double staffed today if need be just so I can have privacy to all this done.  I said if she had apologized for last night and said we have things to work on, and would like to have breakfast, but if I could not she understands... .I would have felt comfortable and loving and I would figure on lunch or something... .

I am just so scared to communicate with her better on top of her poor communication.  I stated that she wants me to be her father, but with more income.  That I am not the same as her father though.  She took that as me insulting her dead father and said she told her sister and I was evil.  I stated I never meant it as an insult, I loved her father, but I am not him.  He had great attributes I wish I had, but I think I have good attributes too hopefully.  

I feel horrible.  Maybe I should have just said I would go to breakfast.  Maybe things this time would go better... .

now she is saying she is going to die because what I said and the police will notify me.  This is hell.  She is trying to lay the guilt for everything on me, and its the thing I have the most problems with... .I would literally rather be dead.  Although, my mother has flat out said if I kill myself over my wife, she will kill my wife.  Yea, my mom is whacko too.  My wife already knew this.  I made mistake of saying "I do not have the option of killing myself.  If i do, you would need to call police about my mother"  she had already said if i killed myself my mom would kill her.  She said that because my wife and mother are similiar in many ways. 

I am terrified of her at any point killing herself and I have contacted people who tell me not much can be done at this point.  I can keep jumping through hoops and wishing i was dead in order to prolong her from doing harm, but being miserable, or I can leave... .and have the guilt of it all.

I never imagined a life like this was possible.  I always thought somebody you could not be with was because you stopped loving them.  I always thought if somebody did the things she has done, I would stop loving them.  I would have thought if I am what she says I am she would stop loving me.

Hurthusband:

Sounds to me like your story keeps on repeating itself like a broken record. The same in-out, push-pull.

What are you going to do about your suffering ?

Last night she makes self harm veiled threat.  I contact her sister and we both head out there.  She then says if i show up she will call police, and her sister assures me she is okay.  I contact two crisis hotlines for advice.  I stay away.  Then 30 minutes later she calls pissed i did not show.  I head there and she says he is calling cops so I leave.  

I pretty much stop communicating with her as I am gone.  I get texts telling me I am the worst aspects of both my parents and if she was me she would kill herself.  How I am the worst person ever and when she is dead I can feel guilty for it all being my fault.  How she is vomitting blood and teeth breaking off... .

At work this morning, she starts calling again and I refuse calls. She says its about attorney.  I tell her she can contact the attorney her self.  It is for her.  She goes into texts how I can do this to her and leave her like this.  I point out that she asked me to not be around and the things she said.  

She says I better come home now and that she is dead.  I tell her that the last time she said that, she threatened me with cops and if she is going to cause self harm she should call her sister or 911.  Now she is pelting me with I asked for help and you denied me... .I must not care

I do not know if i am putting up a boundary and this is extinction burst or if i truly did just deny her in a moment of need... .

this feels like on the one hand I am devastated and hurt for her, but i am having to be cold and ruthless at same time to her to save myself. 

I'm proud of you for putting up boundaries. You'll notice that she didn't do anything that she threatened. It seems like, by putting the burden on her and not accepting the blame, and keeping your responses to minimum (compassionate but firm), you prevented things from getting worse.

IN previous posts, you got sucked in and then she was able to find something to blame you for or make you regret. For instance, she drives you crazy at work (50 calls), makes you late, renders you an emotional mess, then tells you to take off work to have breakfast with her. Then you don't, and you worry you should have - but the breakfast might have been an even worse disaster.

Keep up the boundaries.

You REALLY NEED TO RECORD THOSE SUICIDE THREATS. They may help you in so many ways: Getting her hospitalized, helping a judge (if necessary) see that the kids need you or someone responsible in their lives forever, protecting you from false claims, etc. Document everything.

Also, don't believe her lies about what she tells you the kids said. You can talk to them about it another time. What a hurtful thing for her to say to you.

You know, my mom is 70 and an emotional mess and isn't taking her meds. Two weeks ago I called the local crisis hotline. They checked on her, said she was in bad shape, and forced her into a mental health program - and she is NO WHERE NEAR as bad as your wife. She is not suicidal and not harmful to others. Simply wasn't taking medicine and looked a little messy.  If only she does something that proves she needs to get into treatment and stay there a while, it will work wonders. So please keep documenting.

As for the issue of her suicide threats - that's a hard one. The wisdom on this board is to take them seriously, because you never know. But she is using them for emotional blackmail. I think you should document them and then if necessary, call authorities and play the tape. Or call a hospital. Or keep doing what you're doing. Don't let it be a tool for her to use to scare you though.

And if you really do fear for her life - and with good reason - then yes, call 911. Tape all this stuff so you don't lose the chance to get her the help she needs.

And if it comes to it, judges take suicide threats seriously regarding children.

well... .update... .

She is in a mental health facility for 7 to 10 days... .oddly enough in good spirits about it too

This is good news for both of you. What are your plans for yourself while she is there?

GOOD FOR YOU! What did you do? Glad you finally got her in! Give yourself a pat on the back. Do you realize how much better you and the kids will feel knowing she's in a safe place? And she can't harass or hurt herself OR you or the kids!

7 to 10 days - what's up with that? My mom is bipolar and they just had her in a place 7 to 10 days too and released her. Unfortunately she just went back to her old ways. Hurthusband, you finally have a chance you've been waiting for for years - to get her the |RIGHT treatment and ot waver. She may easily get back out and slip. Tell them all crucial details. Talk to anyone there who will listen. Don't feel bad and leave stuff out. She seems worse than BPD, she is self harming and could harm the kids. She may need to be in there longer unless there's a way to assure she will keep up with treatment once she is out - regularly, honestly, repeatedly.

Congratulations, You will all finally get help and a chance to live functionally!

It was her decision.  Basically, she cut me completely out of her decision patterns and just her and her sister.  Once it was time to go in though, she was kind and thoughtful and caring about it and past 24 hours kind to me while she has been in there. 

They already reduced her ADD meds and wanted to eliminate them, they also reduced her benzo's and xanax, and put her on an antidepressant.  All these things I have been screaming about since before all this even happened.  It angers me at her psychiatrist who would perscribe her all of those and not an antidepressant.

While she is in, I have to really just take care of kids and figure out a way on taxes.  Naturally, the facility is out of network and required payment upfront so between that and taxes in a week... .its bit of work and have kids just got out of work.  Also they have family classes to that I want to go to

out of network? this will cost you thousands per day.

she needs things a lot stronger than an antidepressant.

she knows that she needs help, obviously. i really hope this is a chance for you to show tough love and really get her on the right drugs with FREQUENT followup. with someone in network so you can all afford it. this isn't a fancy vacation for her on your dime.

the problem is that in our area there are only 2 in network places.  One she has been to twice and did nothing.  The other is so bad that even the people who work there do not send their own family there despite working there (I do alot of business with them).  My wife was in their system at one time too and it was horrible. 

so this was only other route and what my doctor also said was pretty much the only option.  I have the best plan available for somebody self employed so for 8 days it was $3k for me and after I hit 4K I have hit my max out of pocket expense so it is not that bad.  After this she has a 6 week period of every day 8 am to 2 pm in patient sessions there.

As far as an anti-depressant, she obviously is getting therapy, but I am thankful for the changes they did make in her meds since her psychiatrist I think had it all wrong

They lowered teh stimulants she is on, they took away benzo's that her doc had her on.  Her doc had her on 5 benzos a day with 2 stimulants. They changed her sleeping meds, they gave her an anti-depressant which her other doc kept refusing to give her... .

I always felt that the meds her psychiatrist was giving her was exacerbating the problems waaay more

OK, so they aren't going to just kick her out and she is going to be in a day program? GOOD. Do you feel better? Isn't it a big relief?

It is odd.  The fear is gone, but it is I suppose like being in a war.  You are fighting for survival and are scared.  The war ends with a treaty.  You are still a bit hesitant and fearful that the treaty will hold, but now you are also surveying the damage done all around you and the massive casualties and destruction with the gigantic task of rebuilding. 

It has not helped since she was gone I had somebody who owes me $15k tell me to sue them for it and my A/C screwed up and destroying walls and ceilings with water.  Trying to run a family solo and work and drive 2 hours a day to visit your wife or transport kids to see her at the hospital is not easy neither.

I do not know that it is a relief because while I am not curled into a ball protecting myself from her and trying to protect her... .I am having to get back to a neglected self that has its own issues

I suppose it is ungrateful to say that... .but just worn out

You have been through a lot, HH. I hope during this time, you can take an hour to yourself. Get a massage, see a movie, have lunch with a friend, or even clean up or fix something you haven't gotten the chance to. This is the first time in a long time when you  won't have to fear her trying to kill herself. Not to mention harassing you at work etc .

Of course, you are right - so much else going on that you're probably going through PTSD... .but the fact that you did all you have done is a miracle. And the fact that she is getting any help is a miracle too. Most people could not have survived so much and come this far and still be married to her and in one piece.

You are wonderful. No, this is no cure, but it's a big change and you should be proud of yourself. You may not give yourself credit, but you deserve it. You have done so much for her and the kids. Go you!

well... .they said she was stable and released her. she seems better and is going to be going to intensive outpatient care 5 days a week so ... .

so wife got back Tuesday and Tuesday through Friday went quite well.  Few hiccups here and there, but overall quite well.

On Saturday though she did not have her day therapy and slept all day.  I laid with her and tried to be supportive.  The next day, same sort of thing, but she was more depressed.  She got a bit upset that she could not get wine for a chicken recipe she was preparing for lunch because in Texas you cannot buy wine before noon.  She also overracted over some valve stem covers cause tire place lost the ones she had and got mad at me.  She was yelling at kids and things were not so good, but she would say she still loved me and while things were scary she did not completely explode.  She kept telling me to do my own thing, but to be honest, I was depressed too.  She was on the edge and I was scared to do anything that might end up sending her over the edge and she was already getting upset with kids and angry neighbor did not call her to do something after her kids bday party.  Not really fair nor rational. 

We went downstairs and I ate with her.  We went upstairs and she was looking for a sleeping aid that the hospital took her off.  She had asked me to pick it up while she was in hospital, but honestly between shuttling everyone to and fro for her and driving a couple hours a day to see her on top of managing a house and fixing the A/C and getting tires and other things with her car, and contacting her attorney to handle things... it just slipped my mind.  She had been home a few days and could have picked it up herself, and she was supposed to fill meds from hospital anyways. 

In any case, she started getting angry and even though I apologized she would not let up on it.  Kept harping on it.  Kept saying I do not care... etc.  I was just crumbling.  The stress of trying to be supportive after all the negativity from her and trying to prop her up was just too much for her then to attack me... she says she was not, but she was not letting up.  I mumbled to myself that "things are back to how they were".  She heard it and took it to mean that all her work was for naught and that it was a waste of time.  I apologized and said it was a horrible thing to say and that she had done so much better, but I lost it and it was not fair for me to say that.  I had constantly over the previous few days said she was doing so well and proud of her for her work but that statement negated everything.  She was ready to break and she kicked me from home

I am terrified I unraveled everything and she is going to be a mess because I made that statement.  Honestly, I cannot tip toe around for days on end then get assaulted.  Maybe a few years ago, but I just do not have the strength now and she needs me to.

I am doing harm.  Yes, she was havinga  hiccup but I ruined and made things so much worse.  What have i done?

Man I feel sick.  Alone.  I don't want somebody else's life in my hands.  I don't want the guilt.  Now that she been in inpatient she can say she tried and I'm problem

hh,

This is more of the same FOG from her no? Disordered, mentally I'll or not, you're doing your best to stand by her. It's her choice to treat you that way and to say those things. As for the comment in your previous post: you're human, and have been the target of much abuse while working to keep your family together. Can you forgive yourself a normal, natural, human lapse?

The hard part is that it is a normal human lapse, but the reprecussions with a BPD are severe... .she brings up how a weaker person would kill themselves after that comment from me.  Its hard to forgive lapses when the consequences can be so dire

Oh come on. Your comment would make someone kill herself? PLEASE. You do know this is a big pattern, right? She drives you to the edge, you take on more than is humanly possible, and then if you don't say the exact right thing, she seizes on one little statement (which wasn't that bad) and uses that to blame you. It's as if you can't really talk or say ANYTHING.

How often and for how long is she in the program? It seems like things go well on days when she is in it. If she's not, she gets depressed and her mind is occupied with anxiety and hurting you.

Are you able to share what happened with her therapists?

Most of what you said seemed like a big improvement, so try not to worry about what you said. You have been through this lots of times and it has always worked out. You need to try not to take her bait and stop apologizing, defending yourself, and come up with a catchall phrase - maybe something neutral like "I really wish we could have a nice night." Then she'll have nothing to use to torment you.

This is a blip.

The thing that has changed is that you aren't allowing yourself to be abused as much and that is GOOD. So good, she kicked you out - do something for yourself and try to relax. Ultimately, if she doesn't get better, you will have to keep setting boundaries. If, in the end, it doesn't work, you can say YOU tried - not her. She hasn't given this enough of a chance.

I also think this day program and stuff is good for you ultimately if you divorce. You can try to show how the kids need a stable person in their lives and have no other family. Courts allow people to adopt foster kids, so why wouldn't they say you should have a bit of custody over these kids so they can have stability with the person they've known as dad all their lives? I think this is all a step forward, even if you are miserable at this moment.

You are doing the best you can, and don't let her tell you otherwise.

I am really overwhelmed by this post. I wonder from where you take the strength to endure all of this, especially her pull/push behaviour, constant devaluations, her not contributing to the r/s in any way... .and on top of that you blame YOURSELF for it!

To me this sounds like a co-dependant r/s.

Question to you: Is this the way you wanna live... being afraid of what to say and what not, never knowing what will happen the next minute?

I think an unhealthy r/s with a person with a PD will take its toll on your health, physically and mentally.

I once was like you... .finding excuses for my xbf acting out, mood swings, not keeping up a steady job... .but I would not jump to his every wish or allow him kicking me out of my home.

I still think of him every day after months of NC, I miss him (but only his good side) but when I run into him by chance I look the other way. My heart starts to jump

My post got cut off

Conclusión: My heart is hurting because I cannot be with him, but it was hurting even more when I  was WITH him.

Wishing you all the best.

hurthusband,

Just a thought... .

Do you read other people's threads?  I don't see you involved in anyone else's discussions only posts on your own threads.  It might help you to get out of your own head a little bit to focus on others, you might learn from what other members are doing to improve their relationships and themselves or see things a different way when you are outside of the relationship and not in it. 

I feel like you are often spinning in a circle maybe jumping into someone else's circle for a little while can help get a new perspective on things.  Take your blinders off (that keep you focused only on your wife) and look around there is a big world out here.

Just an idea.

Panda39

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