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Day 39 no contact. Feeling better overall, but still have days of anxiety and sadness. He does not care about or miss me, or he would have made contact. 39 days. The longest ever.  He did not. So that window is now closed, he is gone. I deserve so much more than the cruelty, abuse and utter disregard. I don't know why I took it for so long, and I refuse to continue being a last resort. No, no, no I am a human being not backup and thats all a recycle would be. I would like help if I weaken in this resolve.

What has been your experience with recycles? Has one ever worked out?

I am glad to hear you are no longer in that relationship. You are so right you do deserve more. Everyone deserves to be evenly yolked with someone. I too, have went on a no contact with my ex. I think now just staying strong, and not allowing myself to be a victim again is key. May I ask what occured to make your ex leave? " The trash took itself out"- lol

Oh Beach_Babe, I am sorry that you have been hurt, have struggled, are still struggling, and feel weak sometimes, I hope the encouragement you seek here will be provided... .

But I have to say the heading of this post is HILARIOUS. Obviously written in a moment of strength and clarity.

More power to you.

JayApril: my ex dumped me because he had a replacement. How about you?

JohnLove: thanks for the encouragement. The pearl of wisdom regarding refuse, however, belongs to HeldFast. lol Gotta give credit where its due. Did you ever get closure with yours?

I left before I became homicidal. Sorry for the crude dry humor. But, I realised he was "off" and, just couldnt take it anymore.

Yeah I thought about pushing mine down the stairs too, but felt too bad for the stairs. At 312 pounds there would be no more. lol. kidding.

What did yours do to make you feel that way?

Just his desperate attempts for attention would piss me off.(I am straight forward, he was not. Felt like I was peeling an onion). The lying, manipulation aswell. I honestly feel like I knew that his behavior was not normal, but I couldn figure out why he couldnt act "normal".

Looks like you escaped a bad situation. 1.5 years is better than 14. I applaud you.

Good for you!

I've been out for 5 months now after a relationship of 4,5 years. In those years we recycled 10 times, but mostly we were just a few weeks apart between those recycles.

In the 5 months that I'm truly gone from her, I've been through a rollercoaster. First few months were hell, I didn't know who I was anymore and I wanted her back so badly. I got depressed, stopped working and went on anti depressives.

The last couple of months Ive been feeling great. Lots of fun with friends, new friends, on my own, working again, working out, just getting my life on track. Its been great.

Of course thats why my ex started contacting me again past couple of days and now Im again very confused. Go figure.

My advice: stay away, and stay away for good. Only way to heal yourself.

But, you are free to heal now is how you should look at it.

Keep being strong... .any contact can be poisonous with them 

Beach_Babe, in response to your question, I am still together with my BPDgf. It's a bit of a story but we got together mid 2012. Catastrophic breakdown of relationship early 2014. Went NC. Lasted 2 months. Lots of reaching out on her part with heartfelt handwritten letters in my mailbox after 2 weeks. Lots of NC on my part. Missed her birthday. Then her suicide attempt. Hospitalisation. Reunited. Lots of honesty. Things got REAL. Found out about her BPD diagnosis. Here I am... . 

I guess you could say I'm on a recycle... .but I don't see it that way.

Mine did the same, but premediated it. I hope I can get to a stronger point sooner rather than later.

BB

You know my story... .I had around 6 recycles... .all of them growing shorter in duration and further apart from one another... .I didn't know anything about BPD at the time and figured it was just something that she 'needed to go through'

Clearly in the end, none of them worked out... .many accounts of BPD r/s's that I have read about involve recycles, frequently many... .there was a poll here that I read regarding the number of times one has recycled but I can't seem to locate it right now... .at its very best, a recycle to me is a manifestation of my ex's lack of stability within regards to our relationships; an indication that she had very clear internal conflicts regarding staying or leaving. How foolish of me to believe that this type of thing would simply just sort itself out. How could it?

Closetofreedom: Do you want to recycle?

JayApril: I understand what you mean. How are you doing today?

mitasu: thank you! Are you still NC as well? What came of her recycle attempt?

JohnLove: so are you two trying to make things work?

runningup: ive come to the conclusion. I was always a last resort. How long has it been NC for you?

JRT: did you end up sending that letter?

I am not in any way suggesting recycles are bad. But in my case I truly think the only way he would return (or even respond to me) would be out of 1) utter boredom or 2) sheer desperation. In other words, hed have to get fired and have no better alternatives. Rock bottom. And id just serve as a temporary placeholder until something better came along. 8ve seen this before. He would literally stop talking to me if someone better came online. It was awful. Each recycle also got progressively shorter; the last 24 hours. Yep in one 24 hr period I was idealized, devalued and discarded. I dont deserve that again, and it will happen. Im tired of being looked down on and treated like garbage.

Anyone who has a successful recycle wouldn't be here!

Mine was so successful I married and now I'm here again, again, again.

NC is a strange way to go on. However I really do not want to know who she is seeing or what she is doing so for me it is self preservation, I know I'll get no love or support from my ex, just blame and twisted logic and pain. I'm not tempted to break it but I am lonely and some nights it feels like I'm never going to find someone to love who loves me in a healthy, respectful way. And time keeps ticking on. I know we have to recover but some nights I really wish I was blissfully ignorant, had never met my ex and had a warm body to snuggle at night. Dreaming for one, with no family or prospect of a girlfriend, feels pointless, I really love giving and being in love, this is my habit to break I guess. It's addiction, I crave another person.

Yes. I have been where you are now. Completely detached and completely satisfied with never going back. She was hurting though... .and still attached. When she reached out many times and I never responded I was becoming satisfied with her apologies including her remorse and show of empathy and compassion, especially toward my daughter. She wrote a goodbye letter. I didnt find it until the following morning. But it was too late by then. She had attempted suicide because she felt she couldnt go on. The authorities had intervened. She is a real women, part child, that we all have inside. That part of her seems broken.

She seemed genuinely sorry... .although when we have briefly revisited the reason for the split (because that very same somewhat irrational situation had begun to repeat itself) she seemed to not be so remorseful and reiterated her "reasons" for feeling that way... .and stood her ground.

There is a lot of seems in this response. I just hope the relationship doesn't come apart at the seams.  :)

Our relationship has a lot going for it. I am working through it. It's a work in progress.  :)

I'm sorry you had to go through that Beach_Babe I bet that was a really hard day. I would feel tired of being looked down on and treated like garbage too  

Hang in there.


----Mutt

BB - Im glad you stayed strong and didn't break NC.  As you know I did recently with the hospitalization of my ex's Mom.  I told you at the time I didn't think he was trying to see me and all was going fine.  Well, I was wrong.  I'm just coming off a recycle.  I spent most of the weekend with him last weekend and it was great!  We had good times, hung out with his family, my friends etc.  Then Sunday morning it was like I woke up to Jeckyll again.  Acting all cold.  He gave me a hug goodbye and wished me Happy Mother's Day.  I could feel something was wrong though.  He talked about us taking his dog to the lake so I sent him a text yesterday and tried to plan that for this weekend.  He simply said "I have plans"  Which I know is BS.  He doesn't go anywhere.  So, I called him on it and asked why he was being so cold after we just had a good weekend, when I went to bed Sat night we cuddled and all was fine.  His response " It was an alright night.  I went to bed early.  I didn't cuddle with you, you cuddled to me.  I don't know what the heck Im doing.  I don't feel anything with you and I'm done."  I have not and will not respond to that.

I was fuming pissed.  I know that is a BS statement because he practically begged me to stay with him Sat when I had other plans.  Of course I gave in and stayed.  What a mistake that was.  I have never known anyone who could be so cruel.  He knows how depressed I've been lately and to treat me like that?  WOW.  I helped take care of his mom, cooked her breakfast, entertained her etc.  I actually think he was jealous of that!  I don't feel like this has been too much of a set back though.  Of course it hurts, but its proof of just how screwed up he is.  As if I needed more!  I actually think its helping me to heal by seeing him repeatedly act this way.  I know I was as nice as I could possibly be and that is all I need to know.  I will no longer allow someone so vicious to continue to use and abuse me.  He does not deserve me and your ex DOES NOT DESERVE YOU!  

I think its time to focus on ourselves and not let these people rent anymore space in our heads!  Stay strong BB!  Nothing good ever comes out of it, for long anyway... .

BB

Yes I did.

Its a human to want connectedness. I feel the same way you do. But if BPD is a disorder of attachment are we asking for something they cannot give us?

JohnLove: I wouldnt say im satisfied. NC was not my choice, it was his. It broke my heart, but at the end of the day I know I cannot control another person. In your case I see remorse, so perhaps there is hope. Mine is a pure narc, he is not sorry and will never be. As a matter of fact I think he enjoyed inflicting pain. I would kill for closure, but what if that day never comes? Im not going to chase, nor put my life on hold hoping and waiting. Fingers crossed for you though. Would you be willing to attend couples counseling?

Mutt: When did you give up on a relationship with your ex? Its not by choice almost just the sad realities of the disorder. Was it the same with you?

left confused: Im so sorry that happened to you. Now THATS a first class jack***. The nerve, acting like hes doing YOU the favor. Unbelievable! Has he contacted you since?

JRT: what did the note say?

It said

ExBPDfiance,

I doubt that you want this kind of unimportant mail but felt a responsibility to let you know that it’s still headed here in the event that you wanted to change the address. Let me know otherwise, but I’ll go ahead and pitch it going forward.

Let me know if you need anything…I am here.

Hope all is well

JRT

Meanwhile... .silent calls picked back up today after a quiet week... .so did the LinkedIN anonymous visitors... .and I have a fake FB friend request that is unlike any other fake request that I have had... .could all be her... .or not at all.

Beginning to think that I'll never hear from her.

BB - Thank you.  No, he has not contacted me since and I am OK with that!  However, I know he will.  It is not the first time he has claimed to have no feelings for me but then still comes back for more.  Here lately I have been almost wishing he would find a replacement and leave me alone!  And that is a change, I used to be terrified of how it will make me feel knowing he is with someone else.  While I don't wish him on anyone, I don't wish him for myself anymore either.  But for some stupid reason I can't block him and when he does come back and I never have the strength to say no.  I do think I am getting stronger though and less attached.  It is hard not to almost feel sorry for him though because when I look at him and observe him all I see is a 5 yr old in a grown mans body wanting so desperately to love and be loved.

JRT: thats a good letter. I sure hope you get a response. So you know where she moved to? I have gotten a few of those hang ups myself.  But I have no idea if they are related.

leftconfused: yeah I know how you feel. I let the very same "game" continue for the past year until I was eventually discarded. It appears he picked a fight simply to make everything your fault and leave again. Mine did this all the time. But its not your fault, they just want to gaslight us into feeling this way. Do you think there might be someone/something else? Doesnt have to be another person, mind you. Could be anything new and novel in his life: new friends, new job. Anything can be a new source of supply. 

Wow, this triggered memories for me!  Same thing with my ex.  Would have a lovely evening together, watch a movie or go to dinner, go to bed, maybe even have sex, and then the next morning could suddenly be hell - his moodiness, him ready to walk out because he "doesn't know where this r/s is going", he would tell me the r/s would be fine if I would just 1. not be so difficult, 2. love him more, 3. talk to him more about the r/s, etc.  Usually turned into a HUGE fight and/or him storming off because I can't give him what he is demanding (which was impossible to do - no matter what I said or did, it wasn't enough).

BB - He is back to hanging out with his long time friend that is a girl.  Who when they were teenagers had a fling and I think he is still in love with her but she is engaged with like 4 kids.  He recently went to California with her and the family, so she is definitely supply for him.

SBR - Wow.  Crazy how much these people can be alike.  At least yours would give you reasons why the relationship could be better.  I have no idea what got into mine and he won't tell me!  Just back to pushing me away.  I'm done playing his game, I can never win.  At this point it doesn't matter if we have a good day or a bad day the outcome is the same. Sigh.  So sad.

@BB

No... .I sent it to her office... .I have no idea where she is living.

I meant satisfied in the sense with not being able to go back again. That the relationship has turned. I'm not surprised in the least that you are unsatisfied with the relationship and his actions. I keep pondering that a relationship with a pwBPD means HURT. It seems inescapable.  :'(

I sometimes wonder if the remorse is the same as mine. Genuine. Or just a means to an end.  

My BPDgf has narc traits as well. That can be VERY disappointing.

On closure. I think most people would seek that. But from what I understand in these relationships closure is something you have to give yourself. Because in any event it would appear the vast majority of pwBPD have a need to leave a door open. In my case it was something I needed to do for myself and my children. It became a NEED for me. A must have. Things based on her behaviour became intolerable and totally unacceptable if I loved myself and my children. I couldn't continue under those circumstances... .and I knew little about boundaries then. It was definitely not something I wanted but she made it easy by crossing a line. I have spent almost $100,000 for my right to be a Father. You can bet I take that job seriously and really appreciate my children.

The couples counselling has come up in heated arguments where we cannot reach agreement. I subsequently discovered she suggested counselling as a means of triangulating me with a counsellor to show beyond any doubt that she was "right". Disordered and abusive. I let her know that in no uncertain terms. Now I show eagerness in attending where before I was uncertain if it would be at all helpful. Now it gets dropped hotter than a hot potato.  

sbr: im sorry you feel so triggered. I would feel the same. Mine always made me feel like I couldnt do anything right either. How often would he pick fights?

leftconfused: how long has this other woman been in the picture? It seems like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. Im sorry. It feels awful. What would you say if he came back again?

JRT: good luck, keep us posted =)


JohnLove: see, and thats the thing. In the past he always left the door open. Now it seems slammed shut. I do care for my ex, deeply. Sure id love that phone call that finally makes everything ok and gives me closure. But that may or may not come. It seems I need to move forward the best I can right now. Help myself. I do not hate my ex, but Im not chasing or groveling anymore.

BB- They have supposedly been friends for like 15 years.  However, he seems to use her to make gf's jealous.  I reached out to his ex-wifes sister not long ago to see if there was any abuse because he swears to me he has never behaved like this with anyone else.  I grew up with these girls so it wasn't too awkward to ask.  She confirmed extreme emotional and at times phyisical abuse, said he cheated on her too.  And the person he cheated with... .yep you guessed it, this girl!  I don't know if she confirmed he cheated or not.  Just said he was calling her ALOT.  So, who knows.  I haven't told him that I did this.

I honestly don't know what I would do if he came back again right now.  I feel very strong right now.  I thought it was over the last time until he came back with the news about his Mom.  I am sure it will be something along those lines, something I won't be able to ignore.  Otherwise if its just BS about how he didn't mean it etc I am planning to ignore.

How are you feeling now?  Is it getting any easier yet?

That was kind of you to still take time for his mom. Thats awful he was so abusive. To you too? What a putz.

Im doing ok I guess. Some days are good, some arent. But the good days are starting to outweigh the bad ones. How about for you?

Yes he was/is extremely emotionally abusive to me and he punched me in the arm a couple of times.  Of course, he says it was in reaction to me.  One time he was being so nasty to me I threw a lighter at him while I was SITTING on the couch and he felt justified to come over and hit me.  The lighter didn't even hit him   

Well I am happy to hear that the good days are starting to outweigh the bad!  That is a step in the right direction!  I am feeling really good the last few days.  I think the healing is really beginning now.  Just try to keep yourself busy doing things you love and surround yourself with good friends who make you laugh.  I have found this to be the best therapy!

Was he ever willing to attend therapy or anger management?  Does he recognize he has a real problem? Violence is never acceptable.

I had an experience like that as well. Where my ex was speaking to me in a nasty way. I got up and tossed a pillow at him, and he thought it was okay to hit me because, "I put my hands on him". Mind you I was pregnant. Why do they provoke people, and justify their actions just to scream victim? I am glad you are seeing better days. I know that was tough and bleeping embarassing to get over.

He is actually very aware he has a problem. He went to therapy for a couple years before but certainly not long enough. I actually brought up BPD to him and he doesn't deny it. Seems open to the possibility but won't go back to therapy because he doesn't have health insurance. Such a shame.

Omg Jayapril! That is terrible! So sorry you had to experience that... .especially pregnant! That is awful! Yes they do love to intentially push you to the point of reacting so they can feel justified. Its disgusting. In what world is it OK in a mans mind to raise their hands to a woman because something was thrown? Like a pillow? I mean really. That is what mine always said to. You put your hands on me first. The first time it happened was last fourth of July. We were having a fight and I was trying to stay quiet and leave him alone and because I was ignoring him he started poking my shoulder repeatedly. Kind of like a little kid would do to get moms attention. Well I asked him over and over again to stop and he wouldn't. So I extended my arm and hit him in the chest. Not hard at all. But that was all it took and he punched me as hard as he could in the arm and it shook me. I couldn't believe it. But of course he said well you put your hands on me first! Ugh

It is horrible. I am a not one to get scared but, that experience got to me. It happened just that once and I knew then that I had to get out before I killed him or he killed me. I think that is the part of the problem is that he provoked me just to use as a punching bag for his pych problems.