BPDFamily.com

Last weekend, I made an arrangement to meet my BPDxbf tomorrow. He wants to know if I still want to meet. I don't know whether I do. I am torn in two.

When I bumped into him unexpectedly yesterday, it was very uncomfortable. I had nothing to say. I wanted to throw myself into the arms of the man I love but I wasn't sure whether he's there any more and I'm still not. Who's to say tomorrow will be any different. Chances are it will feel just the same.

If we meet tomorrow, what will I feel?

awkwardness; hope, probably misplaced; fear and anxiety; temptation; pain; sorrow; triggered pain; rejection if he wants the split to continue or a dreadful sinking feeling if he wants us to get back together; fear for the future; dread of what may come next.


If I don't go, what will I feel?

regret for missing the opportunity to assess what is really been going on; regret for letting the opportunity to resolve things go by, simply because I was scared he would reject me again; sorrow for the permanent loss of a friend; sorrow for the loss of the man I thought was my soul mate; sorrow at the loss of experiencing myself loving another, feeling alive and wanted and special; sorrow for the loss of the loving support he gave me when I felt 'little'.

I loved him. I thought we had a future together. Those things are hard to lose under any circumstances. When it's due to a partner being unwell, it adds a whole new dimension to the loss. Making a decision to protect myself is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Lifewriter

I'm going to go and face him. If I hide from the pain in this situation, I will always regret not going because I'd always wonder if I had misunderstood. I choose to see the truth with my own eyes.

We should never have split up by text. We should never have split up without discussing what had gone wrong. We may not be able to do it, but at least I will have tried to bring each other resolution.

I need to say 'Goodbye'. When I've done that, I will be more at peace and I will be able to move on.

Lifewriter

I can imagine this being a very difficult issue to wrestle with and there being mixed thoughts and emotions. Have you thought through specific questions that you want to ask?

I hadn't. I will though.

Thanks

I can imagine it being very easy to get sidetracked for a wide variety of reasons (e.g., positive feelings running high, negative feelings running high, avoidance of sensitive issues, etc.), so having an explicit agenda can help you to think through the questions that you want answered, help to make sure that you ask those questions, and possibly help you to stay centered and more objectively observe his actions and responses.

You are posting under the "Undecided" board and stated that "Making a decision to protect myself is the hardest thing I have ever had to do" and stated that saying "goodbye" will leave you "more at peace" and "able to move on." Are you just meeting for closure, to say "goodbye"? 

Separating without closure as I did can be very difficult. It also makes you very vulnerable for a recycle. Be careful - be very careful.