BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

Some here know my story, some don't. Important thing is that my ex has BPD. I posted, this past Tuesday (I think) about the rough day I had. Huge trigger from a song I used to obsess over when when broke up for the last time.

Long story short, not long ago, I made it very clear to her that I believed she had BPD and to please seek help for it. If you're interested in her response, see this thread.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275715.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275715.0)

Point is, it hasn't been long since I finally decided to truly cut the cord and go my own way. End of April. Maybe about three weeks. I truly thought my final email to her made it clear where I stood. She even made a profile on a dating website, the same day I sent the last, final email. It hurt, but I was on there, too, so I shouldn't have been. She was moving on, I was moving on. So, in my head, just keep moving forward.

Fast forward to this week. So, I had the major trigger from listening to that song again. Brought back a LOT of unpleasant memories. Kind of put me in a tail spin. But, I bounced back, with help from you and some of my friends. But, the next day I saw her. She lives about 100-150 yards, max, from where I live. We can see each others bedroom windows. Fun stuff. So, that was another trigger. It was bound to happen, so I just ignored it. Then, ANOTHER dating site I sometimes use, made HER a "match" for me. Bloody hell. She made ANOTHER dating profile on another site. So, I convinced myself it didn't matter. However, it didn't go away as easily as I wanted it to, so I kind of took a small break from here. My sincere apologies to anyone who I didn't reply to. I just didn't want to even think about it, at all. I also didn't want to give any advice when I wasn't fully following the advice I was giving. Very hypocritical. And, it sort of helped. Until today.

I have a gmail account, and I set the filter to automatically delete any email she sends me. It's the only way gmail can "block" emails from unwanted sources. Anyhoo, I accidentally deleted an email and went into my trash folder to get it. And guess what I saw? An email from her, sent yesterday. I'm so disappointed in myself. I opened it. No subject and all there was was a single picture

(https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=d75029da94&view=fimg&th=14d5329f5929bf86&attid=0.1&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ_3w435PVWxMEdyYMPq9lZWwvsnDjGOdTwimszvC_cSmPx-6yLmnNpD5JOay9WMgiEAjIeL9h1c3Z12fEFfPBpSRMteKJ-HDemK79tFbvJN4yrj1gpNXOaxQlE&ats=1431754574507&rm=14d5329f5929bf86&zw&sz=w1576-h655)

I'm originally from the Boston area and I still have a rather thick Boston accent, hence the "yahd". Being a Texan, she absolutely LOVED my accent. One of the few things that genuinely made her laugh.

So, I get upset at myself for "being weak". I know... .I shouldn't be that hard on myself. However, I notice that her full name is attached to the email header, as if she's still in my contact list. Being upset, I wanted to make damn sure she wasn't and so I started a search to see if there were emails I had missed in my previous purge of anything concerning her. And I found some VERY old emails (2013) that I had sent her. No idea how I missed them, but there they were. Yes, I read them. Moreso because I could tell, from the first few lines, that they weren't happy ones. I thought it'd be a good way to reaffirm why she could no longer be in my life, in any way. But, it backfired. Partially. It did help with the reaffirmation, but it also started a domino affect that is still happening, right now. So, this week, between the song trigger, seeing her, seeing her email and then reading the old emails, it's almost like I'm right back where I started.

I can, but can't, believe she emailed me again. I mean, it's recycling, right? She's still "testing the waters to see if it's safe to swim"? What REALLY twists my knot is the fact that I'm "overthinking" the whole email being sent. The rational part of me is screaming ":)ude... .she's nuttier than squirrel poop. She has BPD. It's what they do. Don't think about it!". While the... .irrational (?) part of me is wondering ":)id she go on some dates and truly realize how good you were to her, despite her previously saying otherwise?". Or, "Is she finally realizing that the grass ISN'T greener on the other side?". Or, even further, ":)id she see YOU'RE on the same dating sites and it's killing her to know you're moving on?". And, as much as I HATE to admit it, it made me feel good to know she was thinking of me, in some form. But then, the rational part of me is FURIOUS at me for feeling good about myself through another person. ESPECIALLY one who has PROVEN to be toxic. I KNOW better than this! Chances are, she doesn't give a flying !@#$ about me, at all. Chances are, it's all about her.

I just can't get over the fact that she emailed me. Especially in light about what she said about her "third, retired therapist" cutting all ties with me. But, then I can. She's BPD, isn't she?

Why is it that THEY'RE the ones with the disorder, yet don't know it, but I'M the one who feels like I'm insane? I seriously feel like **I'm** the one that's nuttier than squirrel poo. I'm so tired of fighting with myself.

Apparently, I have a MUCH longer road than I once thought. I feel like a complete clownshoe. I've freely given advice, as if it was so bloody easy, and here I am, still broken.

My sincere apologies. I shouldn't have been so handy with my advice, when it's so hard to follow it myself. I feel like the biggest assclown.

Thank you for listening. It feels good just to let it out :)

Irish

Don't be so hard on yourself. Not following your own advice does not make you a hypocrite. You're only a hypocrite if you don't believe the advice you've given others - but you clearly do. Sometimes we are too close to a problem to help ourselves, but have the necessary distance to be of benefit to others.

You mention the photo she sent - was it just a nice one of her, or did it have some deeper significance to you?

Hi Irish Pride,

I'm sorry that you feel down over this, but really, you don't have to beat yourself up over it. You have made so much progress, you have given wonderful advice to people (such as myself) who were in dire need for it. Your actions are not a sign of hypocrisy. They're a sign of attachment that you were not aware of, and there's no shame in that. You know now that you have some work to do on yourself, and you should not see this as a sign of weakness. It's a minor bump in your road to heal and detach completely. Don't let it get to you. I keep telling myself I forgive my ex-BPD for his/her actions, but I still have nightmares about the "what if"s. I don't see that as a sign of me being a hypocrite because I allow myself to say that I forgive him/her, I see it as a sign of me actively trying to get better, and let go of the "what ifs".

Your advice has helped many people, and sharing our stories soothes the minds of recently BU people recovering from a relationship with a pwBPD. Don't beat yourself up because of this. Keep moving forward, you've helped a lot of people gain insight and you should be proud of that.

Thank you, Fanny. You speak the truth. I guess I was very taken back by how deeply it affected me. Did the photo not show in my post? The sign that says "Yahd sale"? If not, this is the exact pic.

(http://www.pandafeed.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Garage-Sale-Signs-That-Went-Too-Far-Beyond-006.jpg)

The only significance it has is that she loved my Boston accent and makes the "irrational" part of me wonder if she misses me. But, it shouldn't/doesn't matter. That door is closed. I'm just having a hard time with it.


Thank you very much, peaceful. I really appreciate the kind words. Luckily, I see my therapist this Thursday. I need it now, more than ever. I guess what I really don't understand is, even with all my research on BPD, everything I've learned, everything I've read from all of you, everything I know about her, everything I went through being with her (we'll call this rational side my Jekyll side) why the heck a picture she emailed me has me chasing my tail, again. Looking at it, from the outside, I'm telling myself ":)ude, there's nothing in it. She sent a pic. It doesn't matter for what reason she did it. That ship has sailed. Wave goodbye, turn around and walk away". And I will. It's the Hyde side of me that is asking all these questions that are driving me batty. Now, I'm questioning my own resolve. "Am I more co-dependent than I originally thought?"... ."Are you still in love with her?"... .etc.

I just found my answer.

www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency (http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency)

I don't have all the characteristics, but I have most of them. I am definitely co-dependant. Looks like I have a long, long road ahead.

Thank you for listening :)

IRISH,

First and foremost, let me say that you are not a hypocrite.  You are a human being going through a complex grieving process of a relationship that was meaningful to you.  Part of supporting each other is knowing that there are ups and downs, there are good days and bad days, and that it is a “process.”  Quite frankly, I have even more trust in your opinion and thoughts knowing that you are a fellow traveler that hits bumps and challenges along the way and is trying your best to work through the same.  

Also, I have learned that letting go comes in layers.  I move forward in having a new level of acceptance on a certain level but then I will slide back into the romanticizing, sadness, hurt, feeling of rejection and being taken advantage of, feeling like a crazy person, et cetera.  It is maddening.  I often remind myself that being in a relationship with a BPD or other PD person is a mind bender and it is only logical that letting go of and grieving the loss of all of those mixed signals, push-pull, intermittent re-enforcement, will create a more complicated grieving process as there is rarely any closure which we have to create on our own.  We are attempting to rationalize irrational behavior and put it into some tidy package in our brain so that it is somehow comprehensible.  The problem is that when we go back and take inventory of what happened, we revisit all of those mixed messages and it stirs up more confusion.  It’s like that computer / accounting / business concept of “garbage-in = garbage out.”  It’s hard to delete the tapes looping around, especially when you are an analytical person.  

In a way, I have come to accept and anticipate that I will try to romanticize, feel crazy, not be able to comprehend, feel hurt, along the way.  I am making a concerted effort to embrace it and not fight it as fighting it seems to empower it more.  I have to stop beating myself for genuinely trying with someone that was incapable of ever doing the same.  I can’t own his stuff; I can only look at why I would tolerate such disregard to me as a human being as addressing that is something that will serve my best interests for a lifetime.  

I have recently gone back and looked at some of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ books on grieving.  She spent a lifetime developing and refining her work on grieving.  Many people attribute her five (5) stages of grieve only to death.  However, these stages of grief are equally applicable to all losses, particularly the loss of a relationship.  The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  She strongly emphasizes that these phases don’t happen in a linear fashion and that it is expected that you will likely go in-and-out of the different phases as you are grieving.  Judith Viorst’s book called “Necessary Losses” also talks about these phases for personal relationships.    

The “bargaining” phase is when we go back to try to re-negotiate our way out of hurt.  I think that when we start romanticizing the good parts of the relationship or the person themselves, this is a part of the bargaining.  I also think that our holding on to the hope that one day that will suddenly get it and they are just going through a difficult phase is another form of bargaining and denial of the reality.

I cannot imagine living 100-150 yards away from someone that I am in the process of letting go of in my life.  I work near where he lives but I live 70 miles north of my office.  I can honestly say that the further I drive away from where I could bump into him, the lower my anxiety is about having an encounter.

As for the dating site match to her, I had a similar experience.  I was on a dating site for all of 48 hours.  I completed my profile and it checked for compatible people.  I was a 99.8% match to my ex-Husband.  (Not this exBPD SO).  I ended up gulping, laughing, sent him a wink, and then I deleted the profile completely.  Yep, his public persona and my persona were a match.  However, I sincerely doubt that his answers truly reflected his actual personality; if so, we would have never been a match.  I was married to him for 15 years and know that with certainty.  It was confirmation for me to stay off of online dating sites as it seems to be a hotbed for PD people.  

There is no reason to be disappointed in yourself.  You are human.  :)o not punish yourself for being human.  I also disagree that you are back where you started.  I know that it may feel like it but that’s how it feels when you are triggered.  It seems to me that you maybe you have visited another phase of the grieving process.  Maybe you left the depression / sadness phase and temporarily visited the bargaining / denial phase.  I do it on a regular basis; however, from what I have read, this actually means that you are progressing through the grieving process and each time that you go through a certain phase you reach a new level of awareness and sometimes acceptance.  

If you were nuttier than a squirrel you wouldn’t be trying to work through any of this and none of this would have mattered to you in the first place.  Their primary mode of survival is manipulation and unraveling that in your mind is going to make you feel C*R*A*Z*Y as a loon.  When I experienced a break-up in the past with a non-PD person, I never went through 1/100th of this mental gymnastics and I never once felt like a crazy person.  A crazy person would feel like a crazy person regardless of the other person’s mental state.  

This stuff is exhausted.  I have become a bit of a cave dweller right now.  Part of it is that I know that there aren’t many people in my life that are going to understand it, I’m not really wanting to hear snap out of it, and I am a bit of a space cadet as my mind is pre-occupied from thinking too much and just being worn out.  It gets a little better every day but does days are better than others.  

As far as you providing advice, come on.  The longest road you will ever travel is the 18 inches between your head and your heart.  Your heart says one thing and your head may say something else.  Part of the complexities with recovering from a PD relationship is that intellectually you know X, Y, Z but you have a battle with your mind.  Sometimes your heart trumps your mind and you spin in little circles.  You don’t have any objectivity as it is personal.  When you hear about another person’s life and their situation, you are objective as you are operating fully from your intellect and your heart isn’t invested so there isn’t that struggle between head and heart.  That’s one of the greatest things about having a support group is for each of us to give each other objective feedback.  So, definitely not an ASSCLOWN.  If so, I am an ASSBALLERINA.

As for the picture, BPD people have issues with their self-image.  Maybe she is feeling low and wanting some praise on her appearance.  Maybe she feels invisible.  Maybe she wants to trigger you.  The maybes are endless.  What does come to mind is a white oleander.  The white oleander flower is incredibly beautiful but it poisonous and deadly.  I might look at the picture but I would not have one in my house and I certainly wouldn’t touch one.  Just a thought.  

Hang in there.  Buy some black out curtains or board up your windows!

Olivia

No mate - not on my antiquated laptop anyway!  :)

Seems like she was attempting to be humourous. Whether that's a prelude to a recycle attempt, or just an attempt to reconnect on some other level, only time will tell. But just like it takes two to tango, it takes two to recycle. Stay strong!  |iiii

"I guess what I really don't understand is, even with all my research on BPD, everything I've learned, everything I've read from all of you, everything I know about her, everything I went through being with her (we'll call this rational side my Jekyll side) why the heck a picture she emailed me has me chasing my tail, again."

Irish,

You're chasing you tail because you didn't get closure. No closure leaves the floor open for questions. No one to answer said questions (the ex is gone or it's too unhealthy to approach him/her for answers and/or they are too unhealthy to provide answers). Thus begins the mad quest, researching/reading/talking/listening/etc., for answers.

As you know, a relationship with a pwBPD oftentimes ends as intensely as it begins. We discover that we possibly never really knew the person that we were involved with (more questions). It's all abnormal---fast in, oftentimes fast out (confusion/manipulation/deceit/etc. in between)---why? how? who? what? Eventually your rational self will get enough answers, even without closure, to move on. Until then, take care of you during the craziness.

Olivia, you're a doll. Thank you. From your advice on Kubler-Ross’ books on grieving, to your funny story about the dating site and your ex, all the way to "assballerina" (I literally laughed out loud at that one!) your words are very much appreciated. I know what my problem is. I'm a co-dependant. Not the subtle type, either. I officially blocked my dating site profile and am dedicating 100% of my time to fix what's wrong with me, to ensure this NEVER happens again. I've said before that I take partial blame for what happened to myself and I've only become more resolute in this opinion. I'm no good for anyone and have to heal me, now. Thank you, again, for your kind words :)


Agreed, Fanny. No worries. My caring about the why's and what's concerning her emailing me is pretty much behind me. I understand the trigger, accept it, and am moving forward. Thank you. Will do!


I agree, Apollo. Where I thought my closure was telling her she had BPD, and it was truly over for us, was not the case. I had unanswered questions, more concerning me than anything, and I think that's why I triggered so badly. I am a co-dependent and didn't realize how much I was until last night/today. I now have the answers as to why I keep caring about what she thinks, why I had questions about her motives and why I felt I was chasing my tail, again. It had WAY more to do with myself than anything. Now I know why.

I now have the tools, and material, to rebuild the house that was destroyed. The foundation is still there, I just need the blueprints on how to rebuild and I'll make an ever better, more stable structure, this time. And I'm looking forward to the rebuild :) Thank you!

Irish, I am a card carrying member of Al-Anon and have a ton of Co-Dependent traits.  I might as well wear a sign that says come here, I will fix you.  I am empathetic and learned in early childhood to put the needs of everyone before mine.  I was raised to be a "good little Southern Belle" that remains attractive, is agreeable, and in service of others.  I was expected to go to college and get my "MRS. Degree," meet a suitable man, and spend the rest of my life nodding.  Instead, I went and got my doctorate in law which teaches you to analyze language, assumptions, evidence, et cetera--this was a great disappointment to my parents as I didn't follow the prescribed script.  I was told that I had "ruined my life and that no man would ever want to be with a female attorney."  The interesting dilemma is that I am seemingly drawn to emotionally unavailable men (who do not seem that way at first blush)--this draw fits with my parent's script of being the agreeable woman.  However, after my divorce to an extremely narcissistic man, I started therapy and have been in it for 10 years.  I have grown a tremendous amount and have learned a lot about personality disorders and my drawn to these type of personalities has lessened.  Yet, I have learned that the "highly refined" or "cleverly disguised" people with PDs can still dupe me and fly by my radar.  I guess part of me has been focusing on what to look out for in "the other person" as if I could refine my filter (which to some extent you can) but the real focus needs to be on my Co-Dependent traits and why I continue to caretake.  It is hard work but I have reached the point where I have to address it.  Hugs, Olivia (and, yes, I acted like an ASSBALLERINA  :))

Olivia... .I love your post and responses to other's posts. And I can relate to all of what you said to help out IRISH. As for the co-dependency traits, raised to take care of others, and pursuing the law, you and I are the same. So hello from a fellow lawyer. And I love to solve everybody's problems and rescue to. It is as if I have a sign on me.

Wowza. I don't even know what to say, except that is HORRIBLE and it sounds a LOT like my xBPD's story. Scarily similar. You're definitely an inspiration to many of us and I really appreciate your stories, advice, outlook and summaries.

That word still gives me giggles.  :)

Irish, It initially scared me that it sounds similar to your ex-BPD.  I have spent 10 years, once a week, in therapy.  I have frequently asked my T whether maybe I have BPD and she now chuckles.  She said in 10 years that I haven't demonstrated any BPD behavior and she specializes in treating survivors of PD relationships / trauma.  She also said that almost all survivors of these relationships frequently ask that same question.  She keeps reminding me that you have to look at the differences between BPD, Co-Dependency, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and ADD as some of it can look similar if you don't know the differences. 

It's just that "old school" southern parents mentality of what girls/women are "supposed" to be/do in life.  I was the only girl with 3 brothers and a NPD mom so I learned to take care of everyone at a very early age.  T says that the caretaking actually protected me psychologically from BPD; apparently, under similar circumstances, you either underfunction and become BPD or you overfunction and become Co-Dependent.  Narcissistic parents raise Co-Dependents and Co-Dependent parents raise narcissists. 

I'm sorry, Olivia. I didn't mean to scare you. I don't think you have BPD, at all. I was just amazed at how you're growing up mirrored hers. She's a Texan, and had the same "southern belle" expectations. Your stories aren't exactly the same, but similar. And I DEFINITELY agree with this


This is what I meant about going down the same road and, at a critical juncture, some turn left, others turn right. I know there's a whole mess of other factors involved, but it does intrigue me how similar some of the traits are that CoD's and BPD's share.