BPDFamily.com

Dobie

I'm sorry I hurt you, I know nothing I can say will make you feel better but you are a great guy who has a lot to offer and you will meet someone who loves you and makes you very happy. We just weren't meant to be and deep down you know that.

@@@@@


Such coldness such disconnected coldness    :'(

Sorry to hear that.

My ex told me something similar, the "I guess we weren't meant to be" excuse. Even when they try to minimize the pain and TRY to make it look like it's about you, it's not, it never is about us.

You can never tell a person how to feel or what to think, and by saying "and deep down you know that" she's invalidating your feelings, basically trying to make it wrong for you to feel that way about her and the r/s you had.

I know it's tough to hear things like that, but hang in there! you're doing great 

Well, there's an apology anyway.


Devaluation.  You're a great guy, just not great enough for her.


There's some great power that decides who's meant to be together and who isn't, it isn't in her control, so she doesn't have to take responsibility.  And she tells you what you know, because she's an omniscient mind reader of course.

All defense mechanisms used by someone to feel better, someone who's a victim of a disorder that always wins and always plays out in a predictable way; the disorder wins, everyone loses.

Remember it has nothing to do with you dobie, she's just doing what she has to do to feel better about herself in the only way she knows how.  Better to leave her with her disorder and focus on yourself and the future, however long that takes.  Take care of you!

I get the same all the time. We just aren't meant to be crap! I agree with heeltoheal its devaluing. Leaves you feeling like you aren't good enough. I actually said that to my ex. Sorry I wasn't good enough for you and he said its not that. I'm not good enough for anyone. Your ex prob knows the same deep down. Sorry you are having to go through this. It's so hard

Does this sound like a BPD goodbye ? I mean does this scream disorder to you guys/gals or do nons use lines like "we are not meant to be"


I feel like calling her and telling her don't tell me what I feel or think , don't you dare use tour bull___ excuses I loved you I never felt we were "not meant to be "

Hi dobie,

I can see how that hurts. I didn't get "It wasn't meant to be" by her and I did get it from her best friend and it was invalidating and she's non. I was hurt and I don't think that I made the right choice with talking to her best friend because she'll likely side with my ex regardless. I was just trying to make sense of the loss of the r/s. I'm sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like someone who is feeling negative emotions and trying to manage them by offing the responsibility for them onto something outside herself.  And you are not the soother of those emotions anymore, you're the trigger, so any interaction you have with her will make it worse and will hurt.  Best to let it go dobie, and I'm fully aware how much that hurts, but its the easiest path.

Mutt I'm sorry you had to hear that I was dumped in my early 20s i m now nearly 40 and I've never heard such things before from any gf

Most were upset warm , empathetic , contactable etc they were not cold and detached

I want to let it go bro but I can't I can't I love her

I've not contacted her but I can't let go I just can't I love her so damm much I've tried I've gone to therapy I've drunk till I passed out I've chased woman 12 plus I love this broken doll with every oucnce of me with all my sweat my blood my soul

I don't know how to detach from my first and last love

I think it's BPD speak for 'you've failed my perfect boyfriend audition. Next!' 

It's a statement laced with childish connotations that absolves them of any responsibility for the carnage they caused. I suppose a non might say it, but 'It's not working out' would be more likely to be uttered by one of us.  It takes 2 people to make a relationship - just 1 to break it.

Chin up Dobie - she failed your 'sane and supportive partner audition' too! 

Hi dobie,

What do you mean you tried therapy? Is it the therapist that you don't like?

Are you drinking because of how painful this all is?

She sounds BPD then fanny ?

I feel like I've failed

Why do you find that cold?  Sounds pretty heartfelt and like someone who wants to move on.  

No I have a sweet female therapist now mutt she is helping but yes I drink heavily because the pain is so intense ( yes I know I'm acting like a child) but god damm its that madness or suicide my whole life has fallen to piecies mutt I'm about to lose my job for screwing up as well

No kisses , no thanks for the past , no fond remembrance of all the good stuff etc etc

No how are you no anything I can do no guilt no empathy read four years summary

We aren't talking some 18 years old six month fling we are talking marriage , a house , a family a dog and all the other ___ she ran out on trashing me and us left right and centre 

You got an apology, she acknowledges that you are a good person, she wishes you well in the future... .not sure what else you want from a BPD... .consider yourself lucky

Yeah I should hail marry 40 times I'm soo lucky

How about sorry I blind sided you for a year sorry our dog died after you had to rehome him or for dumping you in the ___ telling you a month before how you were going to cry at our wedding , or for trashing your bday leaving you in debt walking out on you and charging you for anything she left behind even taking the can openrs I can't be bothered to type put all the crap she put me through


What I want is a recycle or a damm real apology

You're drinking heavily, struggling at your work place, having a difficult time with detaching, you feel like you've failed and I think you may not have accepted that she displays traits of mental illness?

How's a recycle make-up for her lack of empathy and all of the things she put you through? Do you think she'll put you through the same thing or perhaps worse the next time?

What then?

There are plenty of relationship sites and boards where you can go and see a very similar response to what your ex said. You can even google "it's not meant to be" and it won't necessarily be on a board about someone with a disorder. Some people don't have either the maturity or compassion to say goodbye in a way that doesn't contain some pain for the other. That may have been your ex, regardless of her age.

But at least you got an I'm sorry. At least you got some sort of explanation shallow as it may have been. Several of us here didn't get close to that. The best I got was that my ex had been in a life altering court case. No explanation as to why she was altered  and there were at least 8 other people, including me, who were involved in that same case and their lives didn't alter to the point where they walked away from their relationships.

That explanation from my ex? In a type written note inserted into a birthday card she sent me. When I called her to find out what the heck was going on? She didn't pick up the phone. Haven't heard hardly anything from her since then. Certainly no, "I'm sorry, or this is why." Gutless coward is the best I can come up with. And this is a woman who is a therapist AND is 46 years old. 46.

I can not tell you to this second why my ex and I aren't together. Every single action I took in 10 years didn't matter to her. And like JRT and some others, we had no contentious relationship. We rarely argued. We always worked every disagreement out. We were totally compatible, even had similar sensibilities about things. Or so I thought.

So I know it's hard for you, but you got closure. Your ex gave you the best explanation she was capable of. it may not be the best one to you, but it is something that you can at least wrap some piece of your mind around eventually. I can't tell you for the life of me why my ex left. But something, no matter how much it isn't what you want is always better than nothing.

Dobie

I can't diagnose your ex mate - I'm not even qualified to diagnose mine! All we can do is map their behaviour against classic BPD traits and make an assumption on the balance of probabilities. If you're right about yours, and the evidence suggests that, then you most definitely didn't fail. You can only stand accused of failure if you had a chance of succeeding - with a person with BPD you were destined to fail and you must accept that and go forward.

You CAN do this - don't let her win!  |iiii

You can still love someone and not be in love with them or be with them.  Is it you can't let go or you don't want to?


Is it because you see her as broken that you love her, because it gives you something to fix?


There is an endless stream of advice and wisdom on how to detach here, along with many book references; are you just not paying attention?  How bad do you want it dobie; how about focusing on a future love, a sustainable, empowering love, with someone you haven't met yet, instead of convincing yourself this one is your last love?

As different or as ill as our partners are/were, we have view them, at least at one time, like they were perfectly fine and maybe just like us.  Once you get the first impression of them as normal, I think it's hard if not impossible to see them as broken or Ill or even dangerous.  If it were that easy, I think we would be able to give ourselves closure.  If you went swimming in shark infested waters, you couldn't really blame the shark for taking a limb, but if you thought there were only goldfish in the water... .well you just didn't see it coming!

We are better now. We can and will heal.  We will eventually meet up with people that love us as we are!  I'm excited!

Is it 'cold' to you because it's not the 'warmth' you'd like to hear?

Are you projecting your pains onto her with how you're (over)reacting?

Quite often it's accepting the apology we offer ourselves that helps us more.

"I hope you find someone who can make you happy! Thanks for the good times!"

We were married nearly 30 years.

Talk about cold! and sick!

This experience has taught me when it comes down to the crunch no one really loves anyone more than they love themselves . I'm sorry for you hopeless that's a horrible message to get from someone you spent 30 years with .

That's the thing I never saw her as I'll (probably because I'm so dysfunctional) anxious & depressed and a bit paranoid sure and before we BU selfish and immature it was only during and after the BU the mists started to disappear and I started to look back get opinions from friends and family do the research on pd's and I'm like oo s@@t

I was being dramatic I was also "loaded" when I wrote that yes I've read book after book , watched video after video and I realise this has much more to do with me my childhood and my foo than her .

My T thinks it could take years to fix my issues and I just don't feel like I have that time its like the whole world is falling apart

I don't have any hope of ever being in love or finding a love I realise that's pessimistic but I feel cold inside and walled off to ever letting a woman into my life in that capacity again

I have childhood issues with intamaciy and engaging and she just broke the damm after I let her close  I confessed this to her just before we split up that I felt finally I could open up fully that I was always unable to but that I trusted her she told me I could and she would never leave me

Month later by by

I don't know who could make her happy over 30 years he would probably need to be slightly abusive and amazing and exciting and rich and and and ... .

You get the point 

She told me when we broke up she will probably end up like her mum 53 years old acting like a 25 year old no long term bf one r/s failure after another  after a dysfunctional marriage so I think she knows in the long run she is s%%%%%d

Its not going to happen anyway mutt she has moved on completely

I guess a bad temp fix is preferable to a long drawn out protracted cure in dobies world

I shared something with her just before we broke up I've never shared or told anyone since apart from my mother just recently  and that was a mild sexual assault I suffered at about 9 or 10 years old ... .

She did not seem to care tbh

Do us and yourself a favor, don't post if you're drunk, we don't know that and you won't hear what we have to say.  You might want to read those books again too, if you're still turning to the bottle to soothe.


Remember therapists get paid by the hour, and it can take as long as you say it will.


We all felt that way.  Love and relationships are risky, and it's not about not taking the risk, it's about being smart about it next time, and after the education we all got in our relationships we can end up pretty damn smart.


Borderlines are triggered by intimacy so you opened up to the wrong girl, but good for you for doing it anyway.  We get better at everything we practice, so try opening up to a lot of people, the ones you trust, men especially; it's good practice plus if you get some really good friends that you can be open with in your life you won't be so dependent on a girlfriend for that.  Also, it's a great way to see who your real friends are: some will judge you, some won't reciprocate, some might be turned off and leave, but the good ones will stick with you through thick and thin.

I've found out I have no real friends after this BU tbh they have all been pretty c@@p

Luckily I have my brother .

I've had many r/s many women breakups etc  but I feel like some things died in me this time there's a coldness perhaps one day I won't feel this way I hope not anyhow .

Dobie. I totally know how you feel. I feel like something inside of me has died as well. When I met my uBPDw I thought that she was truly the one... .the one I had waiting all my life for. I was married two times before, different issues completely. My first wife just didn't like real intimacy and dumped me. My second wife turned out to be a complete drunk and I dumped her. I thought after all the pain in my life, including having a narc mother that I had finally found someone who understood me like no other. I thought that I had found my soul mate. I am completely devastated. This afternoon I am feeling very emotional and sad.

I cannot imagine being with another woman. I gave all my love, my body, my devotion and I feel my soul too to this woman who has treated me so terribly, so cruely. I moved mountains for her. I gave her everything I had to give until she sucked me almost completely dry.I have nothing left inside of me. A hollow shell. I have love and warmth for my good friends and of course my daughter but I will never trust a woman again. NEVER. I'm done with the romantic part of my life.

I can understand that. My ex partner changed what I defined as love; I think it's one that is unconditional and reciprocal. I think the coldness will dissipate in time.

I am reading a book right now called When Misery is Company by Anne Katherine.  It was recommended on an fb discussion group I am part of.  At first I didn't relate to the idea of being "addicted to misery", as she describes it, but if you think of an addiction as "anything you do in order to not feel something else" then yes. 

The basic idea is that for people with a certain type of FOO dynamic (typically one critical angry parent, and one passive parent who is either unwilling or unable to defend themselves and/or the child against the abuse) it just isn't safe to be happy, successful, and/or pursue what you like instead of what your family likes.  There are all kinds of emotions tied into this, like shame and anger (including anger at the passive parent for not protecting you, which can be hard to acknowledge, certainly is for me), and the book provides detailed instructions on how to change your relationship with these emotions.

The really interesting thing to me is that unlike other addictions, where there is clearly one substance or process involved, misery addiction is addiction to a system, and there is not one clear addictive substance or process.   :light:!  At various times I've used achievement, shopping, alcohol, pseudo-intimacy (a new term to me, but when I read the definition I knew I'd done this:  joining a group where you feel like you belong, having a family, but the real emotionally intimate connections aren't there), Internet surfing, physical exercise, spirituality/self-help... .now some of the things I listed there could be healthy, the problem is I was doing them to "finally fix myself so I will be worthy of love" or in the case of school/work achievement "accomplish something objective, measurable and unarguable, so they will be forced by reason to accept me".

And when I stop all of those, it's this awful pummeling shame, constant, that I am not who I am supposed to be, I have not done what I'm supposed to have done, to "earn" love and acceptance.  There are processes for shame in the book, which basically boil down to this: if you were shamed as a child, the shame doesn't belong to you.  Are you willing to give it back to the person it belongs to? 

I am bringing all of this up because it sounds like it might be relevant to the pain you are going through.  Specifically learning methods of paying attention to your own emotions as they are triggered by current circumstances, and what those emotions are trying to communicate to you (could be old wounds coming up to be addressed).  It's difficult, and I personally would not take anyone else's word literally, including your therapist, as to how long it's going to take.  Nobody can predict that really.  However, because we are dealing with actions and thoughts that counteract very strong survival instincts, it does take committed effort.

Dobie... .at least you got an admission that she knew she has hurt you and an apology for doing so.  That is so, so, much more than I ever got, and I am sure that a lot of the people who come to this website have had the same experience or worse as I did.

I am not trying to minimize your pain, but at least she showed awareness of her actions and took responsibility for them... .she kind of had to ruin it by telling you how YOU need to feel to justify her actions (What the heck?), but at least you got some understanding from your ex.  I know it does not take away the loss or the pain, but perhaps that can help your ability to heal somewhat, find acceptance and move on.  

This reminds me when I sent an email to my ex when all I asked for a reason why she cheated on me and the way she treated me the way she did.

She did not show any remorse or apologised. She justified her behaviour by saying that we was over. (Just forgot to tell me about it for months!). She also admitted she actually enjoyed humiliating me at the time and just got carried away... .

That really hit me hard. I thought I knew her after 12 years and believed she would be at least be sorry for her actions,  but seeing this monster in her full glory scared me.

This really hurts and probably held me back in my recovery!

Eagle... .I experienced something very similar to what you have been through... .as if for all those years she was faking who she actually was, and then when she let the monster out (actually who at least part of her really is), she reveled in it and enjoyed hurting and causing pain. The experience was quite traumatic for me, too.

That's awful mine displayed the same f u attitude but not anywhere as sociopathic as that mate !


My biggest shock was the I've not loved you for a year while sending me mixed signals over the year

The funny thing was I thought our r/s had got stronger the last year when I look back I see how in fact her behaviours and lack of caring and selfishness  were stronger than ever

It was truly a year of push and pull

Few weeks before she left she told me she was going to make more of an effort supporting me with my sick dad how I had my bday to look forward to etc

The sneak had been keeping it all inside for the whole time

That's when you feel you can't trust another person or even your self after something like that