BPDFamily.com

Hey guys.

Did anyone else feel like a babysitter in their r/s? like sometimes you weren't as much as their SO as you were a social worker/babysitter for them? going as far as telling them to do trivial things like you would to a child?

For example - In my r/s, I used to constantly make her eat her meals and always made sure she ate an apple a day (anorexia and low blood iron concentration), I gave her baths, told her to "go get them" before work, made sure she went to the doctor, always told her how much I'm proud of her (even for small things) to reassure her low self-esteem, tucked her in with lullabies during the end of it (it helped her not to get nightmares), and sometimes even got child-like remarks from her like "ooh a plushy!" *grabs my arm* "Can you buy me a plushy? pleeeeease?"

Anyone else in the same boat?

Sounds more like you became a parent rather than baby sitter.

This is something ive seen a lot on these boards. I dont know whether its because of the arrested mental development. It does seem that some revert back to childlike behaviour.

Funny you brought this up Bass, now that you mention it YES.  I've always felt like a bit of a babysitter because of the 9yo. She was 5 when I got into the relationship.  I voluteered.  I admit it. I'd do it again.  I love being a dad.  I loved that kid (and her older sister), But I wanna be a dad that is appreciated, whether step dad or real dad.  I did my best, I did MORE than my best in fact. Ultimately, I was put down for being TOO GOOD and making my ex look like a bad mother. Well at least that is what she thought. It wasn't true.  At the end, she tried to  put on a show of being a better mother... .she actually talked LOUDER, like people think they are supposed to do when talking to deaf people.  Was comical and sad. Very sad.

Now, I also felt like a babysitter/Old Man/Provider.  Paying for stuff in the beginning when it was really rough for her.  She doesn't remember that though unfortunately or won't reveal that she does.  So I was like a sugar daddy.  I would frequent the term "kiddo" or "kid", and she HATED if I used it in reference to her.  I always meant it lovingly, but she took offense.  Took a while to be able to stop saying it unconciously. I still do.

I totally parented my ex at times. The feeding thing especially---my ex grew up in a neglectful family that did not supply adequate food for the children. My ex did not feed herself---treated herself like she was treated. I always made sure she had eaten, and she said it was the first time in her life anyone had done that. She loved it she said, but she wanted me to stop because she couldn't regulate her eating. When there was an abundant supply of food she ate herself into a 50 pound weight gain.

Someone else on these boards referred me to the website of Jeffrey Young, who developed Schema Therapy. His theory is that pwBPDs have multiple parts to their personalities, and some of these are children. My ex would act like a child a lot. We talked about how that affected other peoples' view of her, that they might not take her very seriously. It made me feel very alone sometimes, when I needed an adult partner.

Yep take your vitamins , drink water blah blah blah

I swear I was in a r/s with a child 

WOW!  YES YES YES. I forgot all that stuff!  I used to text her EVERY SINGLE MORNING to make sure she got up for work on time!  Forgot about that stuff.   Damn, I used to even meet her in the shower and scrub her back... .but I used to like that!  Sometimes we had more fun too!  But back to the question... .YES... .but I could use some babysitting too and some tenderness.  (is that bad or just normal on my part?)

I liked to take care of my ex and I also liked being taken care of. It wasn't even a problem for me that she acted like a child more often and more intensely than most people do.The problem was that if she was in a child mode, she couldn't pull herself out of it if there was a need to be adult. Or if I wanted her to be with me as an adult. That was the abnormal part. I think lots of people clown around like kids but they drop the games and step up if a crisis arises. My ex didn't have that kind of control. If a crisis arose while she was in a child state, I was on my own.

Very interesting thread. At first my uBPDw loved to be treated like a baby. I would coo at her, grab her feet and say "what are these?" playfully, just really try and soothe the little girl in her that never was well taken care of. She was terribly neglected as a child and suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a step-father. It was very traumatic and tragic and she swears she got "over it". But I know she didn't and the rest of the world, especially myself has to now pay for it.

Like I said she liked it and would laugh a lot at my attempts to be silly. After awhile though, she told me to stop doing it, that it was getting too much and that it made her feel "less like a woman". So I of course stopped.

Now as to other matters though, I have felt like a total parent to her. Had to eventually pay for everything because of her dire financial circumstances. And yes, I readily signed myself up for that because I felt that it was only temporary. She was in a slump. She promised me that her financial picture would improve and the money given to her would be replaced and then some. Well it has been a year. She has worked one day. I haven't seen a penny. As my finances are drying up and the debt has been piling up I have had to set boundaries. She does not like that AT ALL. Sees me as an unlimited ATM.

I even have to parent her daughter because she won't. Doesn't like to hurt her feelings by telling her to pick up after herself, clean her stinky room, etc. Let's so much slide it borders on neglect. Girl age 11 wont bathe correctly, forgets deordorant , forgets to wash her hair with soap, forgets to flush the toilet and use toilet paper. So I have to enforce things. I get total push back from my wife and she undoes or confounds most things I try to set into place.

Basically its a struggle on every level with my uBPDw who is more like a petulant 5 year old and harder to manage even than my step daughter.

I hate this. I have hated my life since she came into it and I am set on taking it back!

YES. That is exactly it and it is ALL ABOUT THEM!

Yes. To give a few examples:

She needed CONSTANT reassurance, like a little child.

She wanted me to read goodnight-stories to her. (I never really did - it felt too silly).

She told me she wanted me to dress up in a suit - she was to dress up in a pink dress - and we were to go to a toy store. She wanted to pick out toys and have me pay for them. Yes, real children's toys. We never did this, tankfully.

She would do the dishes (she only did the dishes like two or three times during our 3 years together). She was very upset that I didn't tell her what a good girl she is.

She told me she loved to hear me say "you're such a good little girl" and such.

Other than those very obvious things (I'm sure there are more that I can't think of right now), I felt like a parent to a ~4 year old child.

Your post is absolutely heart breaking to read. I hope you get out of your r/s and get well if that's what you want. Too bad there's not more hope for pwBPD.

Yep, although it was more like parenting I would say.

Examples:

- Tried to get her to eat breakfast because she never ate it, would even make her breakfast some days and she wouldn't eat it.

- Most days had to drag her out of bed.

- Couldn't make any decisions for herself, always had to consult me.

She was very childlike, which attracted me because it was the opposite of what I am. I was parentified, at the age of 10 I was no longer a child but a serious, mature person. I guess I saw in her what I missed in myself and it attracted me.

Yes, right from the get go. I felt a pacifier in her mouth would look appropriate. I had this care-taker feeling right from the very start that made me uncomfortable, but with such little prior relationship experience I tried to just ignore it.

That's normal dying you deserve reciprocated love and TLC bro!

I used to wake her up in the morning make her tea , pick her up from work, cook most of the time and she even threw that in my face after the BU !

Devaluing me and telling me she does not need that from a man

Funny I remember her kicking off because I only brought her tea and no toast or I was late to pick her up or didn't want to etc

She couldent make any descions either I had to do all that as well

Man the more I think the more I realise how I've never had a r/s like this one at all

Yep, bfast coffee dinner foot rubs I even bought her a massage table one valentines day

Man we are such ass@@@@s 

Our poor ex's