BPDFamily.com

I honestly have no idea where to turn now. I have BPD, but so does my boyfriend, and we are currently in this weird back-and-forth of not trusting each other. *edit* I also have an eating disorder that thus far I have refused to get treatment for cuz I'm a stubborn ass and he's really great at handling it*

When we first met, I became his "other woman". The whole time, he was in between loving me and simply doing me. I fell completely in love with him. I, being aware of how terrible I can be, became horribly manipulative in the hopes he'd stay with me, taking too many pills and running off hoping he'd come after me. Yeah, I'm aware it's bad, it seemed logical at the time.

When he finally broke it off with his ex, we dated for a week and it was really intensely passionate, and then he switched off and told me he never loved me. I suppose that's to be expected. This whole time, we have never once been able to stop having sex with each other. So we got back together for real this time. I just finished my second semester of college and we've been dating officially nearly 2 months now. I don't do well long distance and, in general, I'm just convinced he doesn't love me and it's bad.

Our most recent fight (tonight while messaging online): when we first started dating, he wouldn't even consider the idea of a threesome. He said he "felt sad" when he hooked up with other people and he only wanted me. This made me ridiculously happy to hear. But being as he is, he changed his mind and recently decided it'd be fun to do if I wanted to. It set me off and I spiraled, convincing myself that he was gonna cheat and leave and everything. I decided I wanted to open the relationship on his side so that if he DID do it, I wouldn't get hurt cuz then it'd be okay for him to do? But he got mad cuz he doesn't want that, he wants to do right by me. He really is a genuine and sweet person. I also don't want an open relationship, I just don't want to get hurt. Our argument didn't resolve, it ended with me panicking and feeling horribly suicidal and he just went to bed?

Our fights are ridiculously petty and silly. I do love him and I do believe he loves me (in this moment at least, I'm in a better mindset right now).

Does anybody know any way that I can handle these thoughts, make myself more aware when I'm being manipulative, ways to make him aware how I'm feeling, and ways to handle him?

It's so, so hard for me to communicate my thoughts, I'm such a passive aggressive, "you should know what you did" type of person but I want this to work so badly. He changes his mind SO OFTEN and it really messes with me cuz I'm a little different, I change my mind about what to eat and what to wear, he does it with life decisions and I'm not sure how to handle/understand it.

How do I make this work? I really really want to make this work. How do you guys handle your BPD partner, even if they trigger you? How should I look at myself to get a better grip on the relationship? I want to be with him.

Hi Little0ne,

your description fits the dynamic of a BPD-BPD relationship in that it is highly volatile. Both sides struggle with their own emotions and can't handle much invalidation from the other side. We all agree invalidation is bad but life throws us a few curve-balls and handling them often makes or breaks an otherwise healthy relationship.


we mostly don't handle our partner but handle ourselves. There is a lot of writing on problems with our partners and discussion of it but in the end how do we affect change? Ourselves is the only bit one can handle in any case. I tell this non members all the time, I tell this to you and sometimes I have to tell this myself. The situation may be overwhelming but then the only tool at hand fully under control is myself. That may sound frustrating but then this focus can also be quite liberating.

You will feel often and the end of your rope and have little energy and even less patience to fix your partner. Boundaries, what you do and more importantly what you don't do are important to save yourself what little you have and use it to the best ends.

BPD is not a choice   and dealing with it is very hard. Still for BPD there are working therapy paths, DBT among them which are quite effective. BPD is one of the mental conditions where therapy has such a sustained impact that a big percentage won't fit BPD diagnostic criteria after therapy. This board can't help you dealing with your own BPD or your BPD related eating disorder. For this you need therapy.

This board could help you dealing with your partner - so therapy can focus on dealing with yourself.

LittleOne - what you need is DBT based skills. Skills that are very, very valuable in general (a lot of leadership/management training is quite similar) but due to your BPD are vital for yourself. Learning skills takes dedication, time, practice and a guide. There is no shortcut to it. DBT based skill will help you both for dealing with yourself and dealing with your partner (and school/job).

This board can help you learning validation and boundary skills for dealing with your partner. But without you doing the work for yourself and learning the same skills in a different context and applying them to yourself it will be for naught. You are asking the right questions "way that I can handle these thoughts". The answer is learning DBT with a therapist who can guide you through the process.

Learning better emotional self management and behavioral skills is a choice.


Are you or your partner diagnosed and in therapy?