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I am a 56 year old health professional with an 80 year old BPD mother and an 82 year old Passive-Aggressive PD father. My 58 year old brother, also a health professional , and I have spent the majority of our lives being resented by our parents. I am not sure why my father resents my brother so much, but my mother has told me over one thousand times why she resents me. During her more peaceful moments, she has told me and everyone within earshot how she never wanted a second child. During her narcissistic rages, she says many things relating to how she wishes she would have killed me as a baby and how she wishes she could kill me now. My father is her enabler and co-dependent. He has never stopped her bullying and abuse. Over the years, her behavior has become dramatically worse until I stopped visiting their home even during traditional family holidays. My mother now has dementia, which has removed what little self control she possessed.  During their last visit to my house In September 2014, I asked my Dad if we could take her for a geriatric psych evaluation. He refused. I told him they could no longer be a part of my life, since their unstable behavior was affecting my life and job performance. I subsequently did a complete no contact with them in order to try to heal my self esteem and find joy in my life.

My brother stated he understood, but did not necessarily agree with my action. He attempted to fill my void by becoming more involved with my parents. Three weeks ago he took an intentional drug overdose, while my father watched. My father called me, but did not take my advise to call 911 and have my brother taken to the ER. My brother miraculously survived and is now doing his own version of No Contact.

We are now suffering the dilemma of not taking care of our elderly parents, which is very frowned upon by society. We have a choice between taking care of ourselves or taking care of our parents. They have made it clear they do not want our help, even though the abuse and neglect in their house is extremely high. Because my brother and I are mandatory reporters by law, we have both called Adult Protective Services several times in the past 5 years. We are both trying to resolve our multiple issues taught to us by our parents. Neither one of us married or had children. I can not speak for my brother, but I could not bear the thought of inflicting such pain on a spouse or children.

I feel like you are me in 20yrs because I've been seriously contemplating NC and my uBPD mother is in her mid-60s. I live at home with my parents again due to financial constraints. I've been here for almost 3yrs, working full-time and looking for a better job. I try so hard to carry my own weight, keep my stuff confined to my room, clean the bathroom, feed the dog, take out the trash, vacuum and pay rent every week, but yet I am still being accused of having a "sense of entitlement," of "living off of them" and "taking advantage of them" and "taking more than I give." I am constantly being reminded how I am a "guest" in this house, how I take too many showers, my room should be being used for storage, and how I impede on their privacy.

Then she'll be like, "Oh I'm so glad you're home. Can you tell me if we have any milk?" or "can you check the mail?" or "can you bring my plants in?" She will thank me for keeping up with the vacuuming, doing the dishes, cooking breakfast, walking the dog, etc. I offer her my friendship when I spend time with her at night when her husband is working late. We share dinner and talk about her day. But then all of that means nothing when she goes into one of her rages. All of my contributions to the family are completely devalued.

She keeps threatening to kick me out, giving me deadlines without caring about what it will do to me or the family structure. If you're a middle-aged woman with increasing medical problems, wouldn't you want your adult child living at home to take care of things? Already she asks me to carry the dog up the stairs at night because he's too heavy for her to lift. And she thanks me for walking him because sometimes she's in too much pain.

When I finally move out, I plan to go NC and I worry about that. She's been highly productive all her life, very self-sufficient, but her body is breaking down. She will continue to need me as she needs me now, but she will not acknowledge that. Right now, she just wants me OUT! and so that's what I plan to give her.

BOXERNANA:

So sorry for everything you have been through - "big hug".  Hope you are getting some therapy. I can't imagine hearing such awful things from a parent.  You have to take care of yourself! People without a pwBPD in their life won't likely understand your needs, but don't let that bother you.

I can relate to the no marriage, no children thing (same situation with me).

What type of feedback are you getting from Adult Protective Services?  Do you have reason to believe they may take some action in the near future? Is there anyone else, other than you and your brother, who can step in and help interact with Protective Services?

Finances will drive many of the decisions.  Is there long-term care insurance? Do your parents have financial means to go to a retirement home or some facility that provides the right level of care?  They might not be able to stay together.

My 92-year-old parents passed recently, dad in Oct. and mom in Feb. I can relate to having parents with failing health and some of the care decisions that have to be made.

Before I researched BPD, I would have said dad had: an anxiety disorder, SAD, a bit ADD and a little OCD thrown in for good measure.  My sister has been "irritable" for many years, although I don't remember her being that way prior to her awful marriage and nasty divorce.  My sister is the one whose behavior pushed me into therapy 2 months ago.  Therapy lead me to learn about BPD.  When I read the book, Walking on Egg Shells, my sister fit the description of a high functioning BPD. I didn't know what was lurking behind my sister's irritability.  As soon as we had to work together on care decisions, medical and financial power of attorneys, estate decisions, my sister turned into a raging monster over and over and over again. 

You need to do what is right for you. 

Naughty

My parents are very well off financially and are able to afford private housekeeping and provider care, assisted living or nursing home. Unfortunately, my father's passive aggressive traits cause him to refuse all assistance. Despite numerous IRA/401K distributions and two pensions, they insist on living solely on one social security check. They "bank and reinvest" everything, "because they like to watch it grow." Adult Protective Services have not been much help, other than to offer various social services, which my parents have refused. There has not been much else APS can due up to this point because my father has been medically and legally competent. This is rapidly changing however.

Their home situation is a cesspool of rage and resentment against each other and their children. They have run off all friends and extended family long ago. Many have commented they have never met such negative people.

I have struggled to be a daughter to them at the expense of my own joy and self-esteem. After attempts to get them psychological help and meeting absolute refusal, I have chosen to save myself from a hopeless situation. I can no longer endure the constant emotional and physical attacks on my person.  For now I have chosen the No Contact option, until such time my brother and I must step in and obtain guardianship. Until the situation deteriorates to that point, we can do nothing but wait. We hope they do not harm each other, become victims of a home invasion, or lose their wealth due to fraud.

I am working daily on accepting that they will never love me, as one should love a child. I work daily on gaining control of my anger that I have been robbed of childhood and a decent family life. Holidays are lonely and Mothers' Day and Fathers' Day are particularly miserable.

Man, BoxerNanna, that's a hard place to be in.

I truly understand the societal (and extended family?) expectation to take care of parents who really aren't family. It always seems to fall on the daughter, too.

And being a mandated reporter--does that mean you can't simply walk away? If you see problems you have to report them, but if you don't see them, do you still have to?

As a mandated reporter, I only have to report events I witness. Perhaps I do feel a twinge of guilt about my complete NC because of this. Reporting parents to Adult Protective Services is a hard thing for a child to do. My NC does let me cop out.  My brother stepped up and made the call, when I removed myself from my parents' nut house. I was proud of him, when he did it, but devastated, when he took his intentional drug overdose 2 weeks later. He tells me he only has suicidal thoughts, when in the presence of my father. I listen, when he speaks to me about our parents. Otherwise, I make no comments about the situation, other than to tell him to get out and go back to his own home. He needs to vent, but refuses to get professional counseling. I don't want to be pulled back into the pathological quicksand. My NC has been a good thing for me, because it allows me to work on my damaged emotions. I don't know, if I will ever have defense strategies strong enough to re-establish ties with my own mother. She has the uncanny ability to punch everyone's buttons until they break. She even managed to break one of my psychologists years ago, when he made the mistake of attempting family counseling. She is quite vicious. My father comes close to matching her, when he deals with my brother. How else are they capable of reducing their adult children into the emotional messes they are?

I missed the part about your brother's suicide attempt in your first post.

If your brother gets suicidal when he goes to your parent's house and interacts with his dad, I'm thinking that he needs to be the priority right now.  If your brother won't seek counseling after a suicide attempt, someone needs to do what it takes to force the issue.  I'd hate to see you post to tell us your brother is successful with his next attempt at suicide.

Your post resonated with me because my parents (BPD mother, co-dependent father) became abusive at the end of his life. It was heart wrenching for me because of my attachment to my father, but similar to your situation, he was all about my mother, no matter what.

I have a family and dealing with my parents took such an emotional toll on me that I felt I had to make a choice- me and the kids, or them. My parents' issues took more emotional energy than I could handle, and not knowing much about BPD at the time, I was inexperienced. As a response to that choice they became angry and resentful at me, and I had to handle the guilt as well as a fractured relationship with my father at the time of his death. I was helpful to them, but they complained about the things that I did. I then limited my visits to brief ones because I could not emotionally take my father's anger and my mother's behavior. My actions were not without personal anguish. I have regrets. Sometimes I feel as if I was a coward and should have hung in there with them, but I couldn't handle it. There are things I wish I had done differently, but I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

As sad as this was, I do not question that I made the right choice as this began my personal journey of dealing with my childhood issues, getting stronger boundaries and understanding the dynamics of my FOO. I can't even imagine making the other choice. However, unfortunately, with my family, that choice was a difficult one.

I was not there at the time of his death. Mom chose to notify other family members, not me. I found out from a relative on dad's side. Mom told her side of the family and friends not to speak to me. I now have little contact with that side of the family, but I figured that if they were so willing to do this, then their relationship to me must not have been a reliable one in the first place.

For a long time after dad died, I was not allowed to have any of his belongings, not even a picture of him from their home. I don't recall much of anything for several months after he died. I cried constantly.  Like you, I didn't think I could ever have a relationship with my mother. However, through much personal work I was able to get better boundaries and so, she doesn't trigger me as much. I also don't think I could handle being NC with her, now that she is elderly, but I understand that every situation is different, and that sometimes this is the best decision for some people. Like your parents, she has enough resources for her daily life and care. I know that I can not do this for her. Mom also had some self interest in the relationship though. In painting me black, she did not consider that I was the mother of her grandkids, and she wants a relationship with them. Although they are free to make their own decisions about that, they are also old enough to see her behavior. They are kind to her, but they also thankfully have strong boundaries. She also gave some of my father's keepsakes to them, which is fine with me, since I am happy that some of his memories now belong to my family.

It is unfortunate to feel put in this position. I think my father might have felt cornered too: my mother or me, and I forgive him since he had to live with her and I didn't. He was also worried about her, but not about me. I think he also knew, in time, I would understand this. I also think he knew in time, I would know he did love me. He did the best he could and in many ways was a wonderful father. I credit him for much good I had growing up and for what he provided for me and being a great grampa to my kids.

I wish you strength for this journey.

My brother has a very supportive best friend, who is trying to get him to go to professional counseling. So far neither one of us have been successful at convincing him to make that step. I was hoping my father would actually follow my advise by calling 911 that night. Unfortunately he was more concerned about appearances again. Had an emergency room visit happened, counseling would have been set up for my brother, along with appropriate medical management of his overdose. My father's lack of action has been typical of him for over 50 years.

My brother is very dependent on my parents. He has been unemployed in his profession for 2 years and is living on cashed-in retirement funds and insurance policies, savings and handouts from my parents. He has never cut his psychological umbilical cord. I do not think he is capable.

Notwendy , your post means a lot to me, because I am living your scenario prior to your father's death. For the past 20 years, I did a partial NC. I called my father daily because I felt he needed the support, considering the hell he lived in. I allowed my parents to visit me once a year. I never visited them, with only two exceptions, once when my father underwent open heart surgery and one Thanksgiving, when I fooled myself into thinking I had adequately built up my defenses. I won't go into details. Suffice it to say, all visits ultimately end in disaster, no matter who owns the turf.

Last September when my parents visited me, I was more prepared to lay out the issues to my father. I told my father I wanted to take my mother to a geriatric psych specialist. I told him why this could help.  This discussion occurred over a sleepless 48 hour period, while my mother raged her dramas nonstop. I prepared for a potential consult by filming my mother's behavior. He fooled me into thinking he was on board with this, until the morning I planned to take her to the consult. He announced that they would just go home that afternoon, because no one could help "because she was incapable of listening." I told him no one expected a demented person to listen, but they could still be helped. He continued to refuse. I finally told him I could not live this way any more. We all had choices to make and I quietly told him neither he or my mother could remain a part of my life, unless the situation changed. I told him they both needed to leave, as soon as they could pack. I gave them one hour and I left on an hour-long errand. There were no goodbyes and they were gone, when I returned. I blocked phone numbers. We are now full NC. The only reason my father could even reach me at the time my brother overdosed was because I had turned my cell phone off. It disables the call blocker and allows all calls to go to voice mail. Learned my lesson-- the phone is muted but never off now. The battery is also never allowed to go dead either.

I know I have broken off a relationship with my father at the end of his lifespan. He probably will die during this NC. He made this choice, not me. Would it have hurt him to take my mother to a geriatric psych specialist? At its best, it might have opened a helpful venue. At worst, it would have done nothing. What would a consult have cost him? Nothing. She rages regardless, just the fixation is different. What is one hour in a doctor's office vs. a relationship with a child?

The good thing is both sides of our family are very aware of the entire situation. No one is going to ostracize me for my action of NC. Even my mother's family in Germany did a NC with her, when she visited too often and too long and outstayed her welcome. They told her to stop visiting. Their NC became much harsher, when my mother's sister died a slow cancer death. My cousin tells me my aunt refused my mother's phone calls, because she wanted to die in peace and not face my mother's drama.

Sometimes, when I feel my NC resolve softening, I play those videos back. Nothing rebuilds the resolve firmer, than watching my mother tell me how much she hates me and wants to kill me, while my Dad threatens her with the sheriff and jail. My voice constantly interrupts him, reminding him we are taking her to a doctor.

No longer my monkeys. No longer my circus.

I'm glad that sharing my story helped you not feel so alone. It is very sad that our families are such that we find we have to make these tough choices.

I am a mother and would never dream of telling my children I wished them dead or that I never had them.  That is very bad emotional abuse.  Doesnt matter if you call it evil or mental illness or otherwise,  its abusive to you and your brother.  You need to be your number one priority.  No contact would be more healthy for you for now and your brother. Yes they are your parents but they are soo damaging to you both.  You can always step in later when you are stonger.  You are tapped out emotionally and deserve a mental health break from them.   So what what they or others think.  They dont understand the psychological abuse they put you through. I have a NPD/BPD widowed mom.  I had to go no contact for awhile. I needed to take care of myself for awhile.  I realize now that my mom only cares about herself. I am low contact now and understand that our conversations are very onesided.  She is sick and will not change. I try to watch for when she deteriorates to the point she will need nursing home care.  She too runs off help so there is not much I can do.  APS has been out a few times but she pays her bills and has food so they dont do anything.  Just wanted you to know you are not alone and you deserve to find your joy.

Thank you Losthero. Yes, my brother and I experienced significant emotional abuse and bullying from my mother throughout our lives. I survived it, but developed significant trust issues. I am making progress accepting that she  will never love me, like I think a mother should love a daughter. I am retraining my inner voice to be  kinder and different than her voice. I relive each memory of her to point out to myself how sick she really was and how wrong she really was. I am beginning to heal from her.

The major issue I have now is my anger with my co-dependent father. I was Daddy's Little Girl, the Apple of His Eye. Despite that relationship, he never stopped the bullying. He never protected me. He heard the hateful things she said, but never stopped her. How can someone hear his wife tell his daughter she never wanted her and wished she had aborted her... .and not have any kind of reaction? Oh, I can try to intellectualize his "I just wanted to keep the peace" response as part of his Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder. Unfortunately, the hurt child in me refuses to excuse him. I can excuse my mother because I have accepted she is mentally ill. How do I excuse my father?

I will never forget an episode of the Dr. Phil Show featuring a younger version of my BPD family. Dr. Phil didn't let the co-dependent father off so lightly either, when he said "I just want to keep the peace." Dr. Phil told him that was a load of crap. He called him a coward. He told him he was using his own small children as human decoys. "After all, when she is screaming and raging at them, then she isn't screaming and ranging at you."

That statement hit me between the eyes. That was the cold, hard truth. How many times did my father go outside to mow the lawn or wash the car, while I was being verbally and physically abused?  How many times did he remain silent, when my mother expressed the desire to kill me?

How am I supposed to resolve anger against the very person, who stands in the way of my mother getting help for her dementia and her mental illness and her medical problems?

Yup, this is emotionally my sticking point. I can not resolve my NC, until I conquer that big mountain. I can build all the defenses I want against my mother. It is my father, who will topple them. I have to do the same exact psychological healing concerning my father, as I am doing with my mother. It will take time. Time that neither of my parents really have.

Yes that will take time to analyze, process and heal from.  You were betrayed by someone you loved and not protected.  Women with this disorder usually end up with  cowardly men that will defend, rationalize, or excuse the abuse so they are not the target of the rage. Its painful because I do believe he loved you, but was too weak to defend you.  He like her will most likely not change anything at this stage of their lives.  Do what you need to do for now for your own sanity. 

Recognizing that my father did not protect me, believing that as much as I was his "daddy's girl" he would have sold me down the river to please my demanding mother was tough. He was the only parent I identified with as a parent and despite the issues with my mother, I credit him with everything good that a parent could bring to my world. He supported me, and encouraged me to be educated, even if mom wouldn't allow him to help me pay for it much. I also realized that at some point he must have known I was stronger than she is, would leave home ( which I did) go to college and make a way for myself in the world. Mom, on the other hand, would not- she was dependent on him.

Much of my facing the anger at not being protected occurred after he died. I think I held out some hope that he'd forgive me for getting boundaries and not playing into the family rules to be all about mom. However, as he got sicker his tolerance and threshold for anger got lower, to the point that it was hard for me to be with him when he snapped into anger. He was angry- a normal response to his situation, and he was angry at my mother, but it was easier to be angry at me than her. I never went NC with him. In fact, I called him almost every day at the end of his life, but mother was listening in on the extension. What he said to me was monitored. The last words I heard from my father before he died were an angry rage.

How does one deal with that? Well although thankfully I didn't marry someone as difficult as my mother, but I did find myself with some similar issues, and I also acted much like my father, because we kids had two choices for role models- be like him or her. We did not know anything different. I did a lot to "keep the peace" but I drew the line at the kids. However, my H is good to the kids, and in many ways is not at all like my mother. I had to face the fact that my own co-dependency was as much a factor in my relationship issues as anything he brought to the table. I was also the primary caregiver in the family so I had the chance to be with the kids most of the time. Dad on the other hand, had to work. It would make sense that he would keep the peace- which in a way protected us too, and allowed him to support us as well as hire help so that mom would be less stressed. Trying to see things from Dad's perspective helped. Also reading some of the stories from the men on the "staying" board- how the issues evolved and the binds they are in with BPD wife and their wishes for their children helped me see what he was going through.

So yes, I found myself both sobbing at the heavens over the loss of my father, and sometimes literally screaming curses at him for not protecting me. In the end though, I forgave him, for I know he did the best he could with difficult circumstances, and that in his day, less was known about BPD and there was no real help. In the sum of it, I believe that somewhere he knows just how much I loved him as a daughter and I believe that he loved me as a father too.

I can imagine him as a young groom, with all his hopes for his marriage to this beautiful woman, who he just adored, and then as time went on, being painted black. Knowing my dad, he would have done whatever she wanted to make her happy. What other options would have seemed honorable and decent to him? So yes, you are angry, let that anger out in a safe way. I hope that after you do, you will come to a place of forgiveness. It takes time, sometimes in cycles and you revisit it, but you can get there. I wish you peace.

That is an excellent idea! I am going to go read posts on the "staying" board to gain some insight. Looking at his life from the outside is not giving me any answers. He has a crazy life that no one in their right mind would want to live. He is socially isolated from every extended family and former friend he possessed. He spends his days waiting on his wife. She lays in bed and calls his name constantly. Sometimes she doesn't even want anything. Her fear of abandonment and her control over him is so great, he spends hours sitting in the chair next to her bed watching her sleep. Hell, my brother sometimes sits in the chair and watches her. It is the craziest house I ever saw... .and I grew up in it.