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Read my other posts for history. I think I'm getting PTSD. Some days, thinking back to what she's done and how she's treated me, I'm so angry I want to kill her. But have to remain calm. So I try to detach, and crash inte a storm of anxiety. What do I do to get over this? I have never been abused like this by another person (except my father who's also BPD). I just want her to disappear, never have existed in the first place. She's hurt so many people so badly now, including her own mother who now have abandoned her daughter and only talks to me. Her father has blocked her out as well. She's the meanest, cruelest person I've ever known. Is this the real her?

LC,

You're still being triggered. What's the deal with her mom? Do you find that r/s supportive, or trauma bonding, resulting in more trauma for you?

I have asked myself that question many times... ."which is the real her"?

Which part was true and which part was the fantasy of a diseased mind?

In the end I came to the conclusion that it's just a highly complex, self contradicting personality disorder that rhymes but ultimately makes no sense. There are some general principles but overall there is no logic or consistent pattern.

They are not even consistently inconsistent. Everything is a warped mirror, everything gets twisted, perverted, turned and reversed in their minds.

So I have come to the conclusion that all of this just makes no sense, the less you try to figure it out, the less it drives you nuts.

But I know how you feel, I have been there before. Try to focus on your own healing and it will come, takes time and patience and it's a process but you will get there. It gets better, I promise... .

I absolutely agree with what you have to say. ... .and yes... .there is no "figuring it out", especially to someone who is logical and consistent. If you have depth and integrity the behavior will make you crazy. Truly.

I believe that I have PTSD from my BPD experience. If I happen to see her/them anywhere it is total "fight or flight" for me... .and I do act on it (the flight part)... .

The only things I found to help my situation was absolute NC and working with a Therapist.

I have asked the same question (to myself, close friends and with my T): is this PTSD? Have I become BPD--is this stuff contagious? In another thread LivedandLearned referred me to a great book where I concur I have an anxious attachment style--that was there BEFORE the exbfBPD, and I now believe it was an aspect of me that my application developer/abandoned child used to exploit my lonely child. His ex wife of 17 years just refers to him as a con artist (huge over simplification, but it does fit). Anyway, that's her way of coping with her nightmare. As the Lonely Child, we continue to seek out the why? I believe Infared is correct--part of acceptance for us is THERE IS NO REASON. Only recently (10 months after he abruptly abandoned me) have I been able to go certain places where I might see him or his new wife who he met 2 months after leaving me holding the bag (of debt, torment, and stress-related illnesses). It was living on a battlefield for a year with no furlough. Of course, we have PTSD, and I would be interested to know how other survivors are dealing with this.

Lonleychild I'm sorry to hear this is affecting your health

I'm the same don't be hard on yourself this is a form of trauma no one would blame someone if they survived a plane crash and felt like this . our xs are the emotional equivalent of surviving a plane crash

Be good to yourself , try and do things you enjoy , relax more , work with your T eat healthy, take walks ,  sleep allow your mind to rest bro .

Maybe ask about something for the anxiety ? I'm on Zoloft it helps a hell of a lot with the anxiety .


Your x is truly mental bro you can't figure out crazy all you can do is work on healing you

I believe I have PTSD also, I would never want her in my life again and Im not having a hard time with n/c,  not jealous or curious what shes doing but I still think about the situation everyday and go over in my mind if I would respond to her if she contacts me... .would it be a nasty response or would it be a heartfelt final goodbye or just ignore... .my biggest problem is free time and being alone, I find myself having alot of anxiety and its impossible to just relax and unwind after a hard day of work... .the whole relationship just really screwed up my view of the human race and its very depressing.

I have gone through the same thing. But it goes away with time. Years later my first BPD ex contacted me out of the blue.

But by then I was already recovered so it didn't cause any bad feelings for me. I just told her to take a hike, cut her off completely and that was it.

When she contacted  me, it was like 7 years later too, I guess she was still hoping there would be a chance but nope. I think she is gone for good now... .

I was thinking about this this morning. I think it's common, I'd say I have CPTSD as my ex is always popping into my mind at inoppurtune moments and causing/triggering extreme reactions even a year later including crying, extreme fear and depression etc.

This is normal, we are stuck in a situation we can't easily escape and things stopped making sense some time ago, up was down and down was up and outright lies presented as truths, I doubted my own sanity!

I would be surprised if you have not got CPTSD and you need to work on ways to combat this, being kind on yourself is the first step.

I find it supportive. We support each other. I guess there's some kind of trauma bonding. But I don't think I'd manage if her mom wasn't there to listen to me now and then. As I do for her.


Yes. I am starting to think that I'm the one with BPD. I find myself adopting her coping strategies. Like lying to her or hiding the truth (for example I have to lie and say I have no contact with her mom) to prevent extreme rages. I do it for different reasons. But the strategies are similar.


I don't want her in my life. I want her to just disappear. It's hard letting go. I became close with her brother (who also decided to cut his own sister - my ex - out of his life). Also with her mother. So I lose much. But I get so much anxiety it feels like I'm dying when I try to leave.

Thank you so much for your replies. It means incredibly much to me at this point.

I already had PTSD before he was in my life.  Now, it is a new and improved and stronger case.  I am shaky, jumpy, not hungry (lost 10 lbs in 40 days), not wanting to go out into public because it's like sensory overload, loud noises, someone walking up behind freaks me out, knocks on doors, phone ringing, this is crazy.  My nerves are shot right now.  I went to stay at a friend's house last night as I felt like I was barracading myself in my own house like it is a bunker.  This just isn't worth it.  What the Hell has happened to me and why can't I just purge him and never look back. I am stronger than this but right now I feel like a little scrawny, shaky shell of a person. 

I hope you get better, Olivia_D. I don't know why it's so hard to detach. I honestly don't. These people are just trouble. They are mean, selfish, evil, horrible, deceitful, exploitative and manipulative. They probably don't mean to be. But if you look at their behavior, they are. Why is it hard to detach from someone who treats you so poorly? I can't understand.

Because we saw the other side to them that's what made us fall for them

Dear Olivia--I remember those feelings very well. They pass, I promise. And with time, we grow wiser, but in my case; growing stronger takes longer. I am considered a VERY strong person though my nature has always been pretty high strung (anxious attachment style). There has been a lot written on this board about how we enter a trauma bond with them (though unknowingly and unwillingly). One year of the multiple times daily rants and tirades and twists and turns and my entire adrenal system was shot. I was diagnosed with a number of serious stress/related illnesses including adrenal fatigue. That diagnosis alone will make you shaky and jittery and nervous. I never took any pharmaceuticals but took lots of Nutraceuticals that helped heal my adrenals and all the nasty symptoms caused by their near failure. Sleep was the most important thing followed by relaxation breathing, meditation and light exercise to try to get some feel good endorphins working again. Why does it take so long time to detach? In my case, I think he fed my adrenalin junkie self: after being bathed in adrenalin for a solid year, I even lost sight (which is returning) in my left eye. Knowing all that happened to me, he abandoned me; moved 40 miles away without telling me; and re-married a woman he had known for less than four months. Listen to your body; it's telling you the damage he wreaked. But amidst all that damage, know that this is your opportunity to start over, grow stronger, and learn to love again. Namely, learn to love you ❤️