BPDFamily.com

Ugh,

I swear I wonder why I have to have a sibling like this, when I see all these other people with loving and caring relationships with their siblings.  I know I am being ridiculous, things could always be worse and I have my DH and DDs to be thankful for and I am every day, but having a close relative with BPD makes you seem like a pariah to outsiders, that only hear the BPD's side of things because the Nons typically don't go bashing them to everyone.

I went to my cousin's calling hours this weekend.  BPDsis was there.  (She has co-occurring diagnosis, BPD and Schizoaffective disorder.  She has been in psychiatric wards at least 5 times in the past 3 years, for which she always blames someone else for landing her there).  We didn't speak or even look at each other at the funeral home, which is how I wanted it.  I still had anxiety building in me at the mere thought of even seeing her there.

Then I had to deal with my extended family.  The ones that she has gone to at any perceived slight with her version of what went on, of course leaving out any shred of insight at to what she did that resulted in perceived slight.  I don't go to our family bashing her, but I certainly have to endure their judgement based on what they have heard from BPDsis.  My cousins and aunts just can't seem to be able to stop themselves from talking to me about her.

Years ago, I got a restraining order on BPDsis.  There was a lot that lead up to it.  About two years before hand I had tried extremely hard to get BPDsis help.  I begged, I cried, I did everything to try to persuade her to get help.  (there was plenty of drug abuse going on with her as well) To this she cut me and my entire FOO off, how dare we think she has mental problems.  While she was NC with us, she was telling people every possible family member had molested her.  I'm not saying that some of it didn't happen, maybe it did but she was completely delusional at the time.  She thought she had bugs in her body, that her DNA was turning from human DNA to plant DNA.  She insisted to anyone who would listen that she was in fact my mother (she had given birth to me) not our mother (she is only 8 years older than me), insisting that there are concentration camps in the US, the list goes on and on.  She also gave out our FOO address and ordered some religious cult's booklets to be sent to our homes!  The list goes on and on and I would be here all day trying to explain it all.  Prior to her contacting me, before I got the RO, she was trying to move to Florida with no money, no place to go so she could confront some long lost Uncle she thinks molested her (again, maybe it happened, I really don't know).  Then she contacted me after all of this time to say that our Mother had us all under "Nazi mind control" and if I didn't keep my children away from our parents that I would "Never see them again, Never, Never Never."  For me, this was the straw that broke the camels back.  No one threatens my children ever.  I doubt she would ever harm them, but I can see in her way trying to save them by taking them.

Long story short, she told all the family that I got the RO because I didn't want her babysitting anymore!  Uh, yeah.  At that point she had not been allowed to babysit them anymore for years!  As soon as she started losing it, we put a stop to that.  She said that if I just told her I didn't want her to babysit anymore, she would have been fine with it.  Again, Yeah Right.

Anyway, my extended family believes her!  They knew about all the other stuff and yet it's like they erased it from their memories and believe her.  Part of me thinks it may be because she puts them on a pedestal, but who knows. 

When I saw her at the funeral home, it was obvious she had lost a TON of weight, like in a sickly manner.  She is supposed to be on anti-psychotics (which make you gain weight) and clearly she is not on them.  To this my cousin says, "Wow, doesn't she look great!"

I said "You do realized that extreme weighloss is a sign of discontinuing her medication, right?"  And my cousin acted as though I didn't even say that and said she looks healthy!

Do these people think I want to be mean and have no relationship with my sister?  It's like they make excuses for her every move! 

Sorry, I needed to rant

Hi sisterofBPD

Very sorry to hear your cousin passed away. My condolences on your loss. Losing a relative is already difficult enough without having to deal with a BPD sibling.


I can only imagine how unpleasant this must have been for you to have you sister say this about your children. I understand why you felt you needed to take some drastic actions after this incident to protect your own family, especially your children.


Something tells me that this is the same extended family that introduced your sister to drugs


It sounds like your cousin might be in denial. Another thing that might be going on is that your sister 'saves' her worst behavior for her FOO and only shows a nicer side to the extended family. You mention in this post and have also before how she puts them on a pedestal. Would you say she has engaged in so-called 'splitting' behavior in regard to your family? With her FOO (including you) being supposedly 'all-bad' and the extended family 'all-good'.

Thank you! 


Yeah it was pretty terrible and then to have my cousin's act as though it never happened is just mind blowing.  It's almost like they are gaslighting me.


Yes, this is exactly who it is.  I know I should consider who is saying this to me and let it roll off my back, but they aren't drug addicts, but do use relationally, I care about them, yet I hate to be around them.  I guess I just feel like they are no good for me mentally. 


Honestly, I'm wondering if since she's been NC with our FOO (with the exception of our brother occasionally) that they may be getting their hands full with her and are just wishing her problems with us away so they could pass her back to us?  I've wondered this for awhile.  For the past 5 years, since she's hated our FOO she has leaned quite a bit on them.

She has ALWAYS split our FOO black while putting them on a pedestal.  She used to tell me when I was little that she wishes they were her parents.

Hi sisterofBPD! Sorry to hear about things - I think your rant was very controlled and articulate under the circumstances!  My situation is not quite as extreme, and I am "lucky" in that I don't have any other FOO for my uBPDsis to triangulate against me.  I know of various stories she has told mutual friends - but they are not important to me, and while it's sad the Christmas cards have stopped, and I don't like to think that anyone could even think for a moment there was a shred of truth in the stories, these are not people I have seen for years so I just have to get over it.  Interestingly, the only set of close mutual friends we have - these people have always been like family to both of us - do understand the situation.  At first - I think they really thought it was both of us being silly, and greedy, or weird, following my mother's death 2 years ago.  But from the contact they have had with uBPDsis over the last 2 years  - they live much closer to her than to me - and have tried really hard to be there for her - they have realised where the problem lies.  I think they just feel sad about it, and a bit guilty that they can't do more to help her, but she has cut them off.  They love her dearly and nothing will change that.  And they are sympathetic to me.  But most people - unless they have been a direct target in the way we have, and experienced the extreme malice and madness don't really get it - but they get enough of it to know that (a) it doesn't quite stack up, (b) they would rather not get involved, and (c) they definitely don't want to confront or contradict the BPD person, because they can see that they will get turned on as well.  So they do the walking on eggshells thing, or worse, with some people who don't have the sense to know better, they even encourage it for whatever reason.  The two close mutual family friends invited me to lunch about a year after my uBPDsis' smear campaign had really started.  I was dreading seeing them because I was afraid they would have heard all these stories, and would think there must be something to it, and would be trying to get me to fix things, because they just wouldn't be able to comprehend, that mad though it sounds, and pointless though it was - it really was all nasty malicious lies.  I was so relieved when I met them - I could tell they were sad about it, didn't want to take sides, or hear too much detail, but they are good decent people, and they knew it was my sister who had the problem.  They had tried to help - to stay in touch with her - but because she knew they had been in contact with me - she had cut them off as well.  They both have a lot on their plate at the moment, so they just couldn't deal with it.   So I guess what I'm saying is - trust that anyone worth their salt, who knows you properly, and has any feeling for you- will know this situation isn't right - and that you are not the problem.  Most people just don't want to know or get involved, because it's just too weird and hard to do anything to help and they seriously don't want this mess in their own lives.  Now, with these close friends, when I'm in touch with them, I give them a brief update (there is still legal stuff going on from my Mum's estate), but I keep it factual, try not to be dramatic, and then we talk about other stuff.  I have kept my relationship with them largely intact, but I can't expect them to listen to too much stuff as it makes them feel uncomfortable and disloyal.  The thing that helped me was when I used third parties to help me sort out my Mum's estate - they had to deal with my sister as well, and within a few days they had completely worked out who the problem was, despite the stories they'd been told, and they were quickly telling me things like - "Sorry to say it but your sister clearly has issues", and more than one solicitor told me very early on my only way of getting things sorted was to take her to court, or get her declared incompetent and removed as an executor, so I could get the estate sorted.  I think the smear campaigns work in terms of making you feel bad, until you somehow manage to get to a place where you just don't let it get to you - I could only do this by going NC - but it's harder for you with more family in common still.  But I would severely limit contact with others who make you feel bad about it.  I don't think the smear campaigns against us are nearly as effective as we fear they are for other people who are told these stories - most people's BS detectors are finely tuned enough to know that there is something not quite right.  Best wishes!

I ran cold when I read your post.  It is like a carbon copy of my experience.  I don't often post, as I try not to open this BPD can of worms that makes me not sleep and destroys my energy.  However, your post was so similar I hope I can support you with understanding.

I feel the same. 

My sister has BPD.  Diagnoised.  She was quite proud of the label.  She has lost her kids.  Now she doesn't want to be BPD.  As she realises it is a diagnoisis which means you can't take tablets to cure, and the authorities will not let her have her kids back.  So she is on best behaviour.  Completely crazy - you can't enjoy a mental health diagnosis then decide it's something else!

What you are describing is a BPD Distortion campaign.  Please google it you will be shocked, I posted about it on this board when I first discovered what my sister has done actually has a "name".   Years and years of dropped comments, to try to make themselves look good and someone else are bad.  My sister has spent 22 years accusing my father of abuse.  The authorities are now involved.  It has destroyed my father.  My family have gone NC with consultation of lawyers.  My friends know what she is like and they do not talk to her.   In some ways I guess we are lucky.  However, her connections and what she has said about a very upstanding family are my gremlins that hit me at night.  I have lived with this behaviour for so long and it is tiresome, frustrating, destroying and the last sickness I feel when I go to sleep.  Having spent 6 months of hell, I just start getting myself straight and she starts with insidious texts.  I have kept communication open with SET principles because of the children in care.  Phew it's hard!  My friends say they do not understand how I can be so calm, but there is no point getting angry with BPD, being outraged, putting things straight, as it just feeds their emotional needs.  But boy it's hard!  I want to burst her bubble of distorted reality, but it won't make any difference.  Argh!  Argh!  Argh!  It will only make it worse.  This is BPD.  This is the reality and all we can do is try to not let it destroy our lives.  But boy is it hard to be sane when it seems everyone around you is insane

I hope you read this post, next time the Gremlins get you!  Reply even if it's now, tomorrow or in a year.  I feel your frustration.  I just hope this condition just gets more wide spread recognition. 

I just dislike the BPD splitting so much!

Be strong and rant on this wonderful forum as much as you want 

My sister seemed pleased with her diagnosis too! But now she denies she ever had it. She claims she has PTSD and depression caused by us being so mean to her.


An ex-friend of mine was also pleased to be BPD. She smiled and bragged about it. At the time, I didn't know anything about it and laughed with her. Now that I know what it is, I feel sad for  her and my sister. Not enough to have contact with either, however, because I know that both could be in treatment. We live in an area where DBT is well known as a treatment.

sisterofaBPD, my family mostly gets that my sister is sick. But what hurt was several of my "friends" bought into the smear campaign. Now I see that they weren't my friends. The other thing that hurt was when my sister smeared me to my grandmother who then dis-owned me. I still feel bad sometimes about that, but now I see that our grandmother had a lot of BPD traits.

Thank you sisterofBPD for sharing your story.  And LeeLou, I am grateful to have a name for this as I am also a victim of BPD sister's Distortion Campaigne.  I did google this and there is a lot of information about it out there.    

I was a victim of my mother's distortion. She let me know all the bad things about me she told extended family and friends. She also told me their alleged responses about what a bad person I was. She made me feel shame and socially isolated me.

After I began learning about her BPD and realizing she was a pathological liar, I began opening up to those family and friends. It turns out she didn't say 1/2 of what she claimed she said. No one made the comments she claimed. Most  knew there was something not quite right about my family. They all knew I was not the problem. Many of them had also been victims of my mother. Don't get me wrong. I did have to correct some details on false stories. That was not too hard, since her stories were so outlandish and full of holes. Most people are smart enough to see through BS, if they are exposed to it long enough.

If there are any outliers out there, who might still believe my mother's stories, they are not close enough to either her or me to matter. My self esteem and belief in myself have grown to the point her words and their opinions no longer effect me. I am a good person and my reputation is strong enough to overcome her smear campaign.

I wish my family would realize things don't quite stack up.




LeeLou, thank you for posting this, I am googling it right now!


Boxernanna, that is the worst and so hurtful, I'm sorry we share similar experiences.

WOWosh sisterofBPD, your story is mine exactly! I remember the first time I realized my "baby" sister was really sick, was when I didn't want to introduce her to any of my new friends bc I knew she would say terrible things about me. At the time I just thought she was mean and disrespectful, but it just keeps getting worse and worse... .it's heartbreaking! She says she's diagnosed Bipolar, but I know she's BPD also, and our mother prob was too.

Now we are NC because it's the only way I can maintain my own sanity and be there emotionally for my sweet family. I hate that this is part of our family, and I hate that the devil has a COMPLETE CHOKEHOLD ON MY SISTER, and there's not a thing I can do about it but pray for her.

LeeLou thank you so much for all the great info and insight. I'm new here, but already have learned so much and found so much support! It's so difficult and painful to let go of someone you love, but I just don't see any other choice at this point. Everything I do infuriates my sister more, and causes so much pain for me and our aging father.

I'm sorry to hear your cousin passed and of your troubles with your sister... Her comorbid illnesses sound as if she is very unstable and that must be troubling for you. Many members of my family write monthly newsletters" about what they are doing and include recent photos and send them as mass mailings to the extended family. Perhaps you could try doing that to counter the distortion campaign against you.