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Please help me. Today my SO went out with a friend and I went home to play games and chill out. My phone was flat and I plugged it in upstairs whilst I went downstairs to play video games. At some point my phone obivously came back on and I received and did not reply to my SO messages. When she got home she came and said hello and I said hello and it seemed fine. I went upstairs and saw the messages and realised I was in for hell. I tried to apologise for upsetting her but she didn't react to it. I tried to ignore it and be relaxed and include her in our conversatios and pretend nothing was wrong. She basically made it difficult to make it okay. I don't know what to do. What did I do wrong? I didn't even JADE. I apologised straight away. (She now doesn't accept my apaologies at all). She says that an accident is worse because I did not think about her. Because I did not think that having my phone upstairs would upset her. It is worse. Than doing something malicious. I am not a bad person and I would never do anything to deliberately upset or cause my SO harm. Ever. How can I change? I feel like an awful person. I feel like a truly terrible person.

   

It sounds like you are living your life walking on eggshells. I haven't read it yet but I have seen a lot of people recommend reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells."

It sounds like you are very afraid of your SO. What do you think would have happened if you hadn't tried to JADE pre-emptively? I know that there was a time when my husband would totally freak out if I didn't answer the phone almost immediately. He would call and message and call and text on multiple formats. I could never get him to understand that I am NOT tied to my phone. Not answering a phone or a message right away isn't a big deal in my book. In his it was. Things didn't change until I stopped being so worried about how he might respond to something. I tried to pick and choose what things bugged me the most. The phones stuff drove me nuts because it made it difficult for me to relax, do stuff with the kids, or get anything accomplished. I felt like I had to sit on the phone and/or computer all day just in case he wanted to get in touch with me.

I put a stop to it by NOT keeping my phone by me and NOT answering the phone. If he got mad, he got mad. It took a lot of personal strength and patience to not go back to some of that but it has been wonderful to not feel so tied to my phone.

What are her fears surrounding you not responding to her message? That is insecurity on her part.

What you did is not wrong.

The problem is your reaction to it. It is part of what we call being in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

SELF-AWARE:  What it means to be in the "FOG" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0)

It happens, and you have to learn to accept it happens. I used to get guilted like this and as per VOC I decided at times to not always be "on call". It caused hell at first but my partner soon learned sometimes it just happens, that's life.

You can't protect them from life all the time.

Hey Matilda:

Man you did nothing wrong or have reason to feel remorseful or guilty.

You know it so seldom comes down to rights or wrongs. It come down to not understanding your partner's thinking that make them feel it wasn't right and addressing that in a positive way. It's so hard to disassociate yourself from their chastisement when they react to their emotional difficulties but learning and putting the lessons into effect is a real game changer when you can learn to manage them well.

What were her messages about that were so important given the situation at hand?

You'll work your way through this Matilda and it will pass. The real challenge is learning what it's all about and trying to ensure it resolves in a manner that works for both of you.

You did nothing wrong and there's nothing you could have done to avoid her reaction.

My BPDH always reacts badly if ANYTHING happens regarding the phone ... .If I miss his call, if the reception's bad and I can't hear him, if the reception's bad and the call drops, etc. somehow I am ALWAYS to blame. He goes as far as to say that this only happens when he is talking to me. With EVRYONE else, he never has any problems. Yeah, right!

No explanation, apology, reason can satisfy him and it will throw him into a rage.

Don't beat yourself up. You're not a terrible person. Ask yourself this question... .If the situation was reversed, would you think SHE was a terrible person? I'm assuming your answer would be ,"No." You'd just say, "oh, okay. No big deal."

It's just the disease. For my H, his reactions are due to his insecurity, his feeling that people ignore him, plus a somewhat sense of entitlement. I should be "considerate" enough to ALWAYS answer his calls because HE needs to talk to me. But somehow it's not an issue if he doesn't answer my calls. It never works both ways. *sigh*.