BPDFamily.com

Hey guys.

Tonight I had a dream about my ex. been about a month since my last dream about her. We've been together for less than 4 months and I'm a little over 2 months out, it was my first r/s (first kiss and everything. I'm 20).

The dream was unlike previous ones - where I saw her moving on, getting ready for a date (although in real life she has no replacement, I was her first too). This time it took place in the future - a future where we reconciled and are working on our r/s. It took place at her kitchen and we were talking about some plans for the evening and all of a sudden she didn't want to go and was acting irrationally. I remember telling her that if we want to make this r/s work we need to talk through our problems and listen to each other, she looked upset, that's all I can remember.

I know I'm not over her, and deep down - still have hope she'll come back. I did notice her trying to get my attention through social media, but every time I tried to make a move she'd vanish, so I stopped falling for that and am hoping for "direct" contact from her (i.e - text, phone call, anything).

We are going to be at the same concert in about 2 and a half weeks, I want to meet her there, but on the one hand just bumping into her is going to be awkward and can be met with a cold reply or worse, and on the other hand texting her before the concert to see if she'd like to go together may come off as needy, but it'll give me a clear answer (and if she doesn't reply I'll at least know where she currently stands).

Any words of advice?

Are you emotionally prepared for a relationship with someone who struggles with suicide ideation and depression?

My advice?    PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR DREAM!   Dreams come to tell us something we don't already know.   Your dream is YOU giving YOURSELF very important information.   It is showing you your future.

Read the staying board.   See what the people who've been living with this illness every single day for 20 years have to say.   I am not being critical of those who stay.   It just doesn't sound like a very bright future.  Is that really where you want to cast your line?

Your dream seems,  to me, to suggest otherwise.

Actually - yes, that part wasn't that hard for me. She tried to commit suicide once during our r/s but I stopped her. She was triggered by many many things and decided the pain was too much for her to handle, but I knew how to soothe her. I can honestly say that I could handle her depression and very often helped her get through it (She loved my sense of humor and that, combined with hugs, helped soothe her quickly).


I've been on the staying board for quite a while, it took some time to shift to the Undecided board and eventually to here as my hopes slowly deteriorated, plus there was nothing to hold onto but hope.

While we were dating I had 2 kinds of dreams - one where I saw her in a wedding dress (which was in the beginning or our r/s) and the second one where I saw her breaking up with me (which was more towards the end).

I feel like everyone deserves a second chance, and if you think letting go of a BPD ex is difficult - try and add to that the pain of losing your first love, first girlfriend... .makes it that much harder... .

God dammit I just want a chance with my new-found knowledge of the disorder... .

I had a nightmare myself about my exBPD. I was out at a nightclub and saw her there sitting on a couch in a more secluded section. I went to go talk to her and when she saw me she frowned and said she hated me. She then proceeded to say that if her new replacement for me was there that she would make out with him right in front of me to hurt me. I woke up feeling miserable. I never would have believed my mind would picture her being so cruel.

Well when I ended up breaking no contact with her a week later. We started out having a nice discussion that turned into an argument really fast. She painted me black and said some of the most awful things. I couldn't believe that this was the woman I fell in love with. She also said roughly the same things she did in my dream.

In short, I believe that sometimes your subconscious can perceive how a person really is when your conscious mind can't see through the FOG. The subconscious mind then tries to communicate with you via your dreams/nightmares. Take some time to focus on what is clearly a warning signal. 

Had another one tonight... .I remember we met at the concert like I want things to happen IRL, enjoyed it together and had some fun... .I started talking about a future, saying we shouldn't label whatever "this" is (our r/s) that this time I'll just go with the flow.

She said she doesn't know yet if she's ready, I asked to hang out, she said she's not sure when but I can "volunteer myself" to help around the flower shop she's working at *Insert random holiday she said* and we can see from there. (Basically - you can help me and then we'll talk). I agreed, not seeing her motives.

Then woke up and fell asleep - another dream, happened in her city. Met another girl, we connected, she started crying about her dad or something and I hugged her (again with the white knight syndrome). Fast forward to another meeting with her but I could only think of my ex while with this girl, and didn't want to make any commitment b/c I felt like it wasn't over with my ex.

Dream analyzers? can you shine some light on these?

Had a talk with my best friend about the concert and what I should do, he told me I shouldn't even think about calling her b/c I need to maintain my boundaries and distance and let HER come after me, and if I do meet her there - the only logical thing to do is act like I wasn't expecting to see her and say "Hey, what's up? great seeing you!", wish her to have fun and just walk away - to show her I'm doing well enough on my own, plus if she'd want to talk she'd go after me.

Talked about this with my dad after that and he seconds my friend's opinion.

Thoughts?

When multiple people who know you well and love you are giving you the same sort of advice, you'd be wise to listen.  *)

In the final stages of our relationship my ex actually said that she was going to bring someone home and F them in front of me... .sick and twisted thing to say... .Just shows they will do and say anything.

Zundertow, I am truly sorry you had to hear that. That is a cruel and malicious thing to say to anyone for any reason but especially to someone that you once loved. When the mask slips and you see who they really are underneath it, it can be a horrible sight. That is when they paint you black. They can't stand the fact that you saw who they truly were.

I wish I had paid more attention to my dreams and subconscious. I wish I had paid more attention to all those  red-flag's that were there but my brain was too fogged by sex and ego boosting to even ponder peeking behind that mask.

Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

However I do feel better and am close to having my "freedom" moment. I hope you have yours too if you haven't already.

I see your point.

Today my best friend had informed me that he's moving to another city (about 20 minutes away by bus), and although I struggled accepting this I didn't make a fuss or anything, just sat down quietly for a couple of minutes and processed it - and then it hit me! I was thinking about something going on in HIS life and selfishly turnef it around so it wad about ME (in my head, I didn't say anything out loud).

That's EXACTLY what I did with my ex all the time - every time something came up with her that somehow affected our plans I would make it about me, as if she wasn't already depressed/stressed enough about whatever happened. BPD or not - I was kind of a selfish prick sometimes, no matter the affection and gift giving and all that other white knight stuff.

Guess you live and you learn.