BPDFamily.com

My last breakup with a BPD person (there have been many) brought a few new insights about myself and the nature of BPD that I wanted to share with you all.

I remember reading somewhere that often boyfriends of women who cut start cutting themselves.

And for the first time in my life... .I asked myself... .have I acquired some BPD traits? I certainly don't have BPD in any kind of a full sense but I have to be honest and say that based on this last break up I most certainly seem to have acquired one aspect of it.

And that is how quickly I do a 360 in a relationship now.

I see so many people suffering here and I can feel their pain. I, too, was there one day a long time ago.

But as for my last breakup, I went from picking out names of our kids to no contact and indifference in two weeks. I didn't cry, didn't shed a single tear. When my therapist asked me how I felt, I said I felt happy, relieved that I have confirmed what I have always suspected. She, too, has BPD. The whole thing was not real.

I also found it curious to notice that there was no anger or resentment stage, just indifference and firm desire to not allow her to damage my life in any way.

But then I started to think. I abandoned her BEFORE she could abandon me. Or make my life a living hell. So am I not doing the same thing that she had been doing?

Furthermore, I didn't used to be like this. First time I went through a breakup, I was at the hospital for weeks. Second time, I was depressed. And I STUCK through with those women until THEY left (very foolishly, I should add).

Now, I end things when I'm reasonably confident it's BPD and I'm happy and relieved. The dream is over and I can get back to my real life... .until next time, that is.

They often try to hide it from me, I think they know I will leave if I really find out who they really are so it's a game of hide and seek. But invariably, I find out and I leave.

Except for the first few times of course, then I stuck around for too long and it was a mistake.

But I was thinking... .maybe this is how BPD's become BPD's, part of the reason anyway?

My trust was repeatedly broken by them and it hurt. After a while, it stopped hurting anymore but I still wanted the fantasy. So I developed into someone who can go from planning the rest of our lives together to completely ignoring them without being upset about it.

So maybe their trust was broken many times when they were kids and that's how they developed the way they had... .

I really don't blame them, I guess it's just a defense mechanism under these circumstances. Plus genetics.

Maybe some time will go by and again I will long for the larger than life fantasy, for the rush of emotions, the living on the edge part, the incredible chemistry and attraction, physical, emotional, intellectual.

Maybe that will all happen again.

And yet as of now, there is one other thing that changed for me after this last time... .for the first time ever, when I hear the words "true love", I start to feel bored (instead of tragic, hopeful or fatalistic). I really don't want to hear someone tell me they will always love me again, or pick out any kid names again or talk about marriage again.

I want peace and quiet and break from relationships for a long, long time. But for the first time a short term girlfriend that is there for going out, that doesn't talk about marriage or tells me grandiose things or adores me... .that sounds a lot more appealing. Just go out, have a good time, nothing too serious, certainly no over the top statements and late night promises. Just someone who likes me and wants to have a good time.

These are just some of the things I have been thinking about and I hope someone here finds them helpful.

Wishing all you healing and strength... .

Zeus,

I am struggling with exactly this. When things reached a point where I knew my exuBPDgf could never have an adult conversation about important things, when I realized that I simply could no longer trust her to treat me fairly/with empathy, support me emotionally, I simply left and disengaged - broke contact.  Hardest things I ever had to do and am still agonizing over (2mo out)

... .and I am plagued by thoughts of having abandoned her, of causing her pain, of doing exactly what I (CoD) vowed never to do in trying to keep the peace and dancing around her bad behaviors.

So much guilt there, and I keep picking at that emotional scab... .feeling like it will never heal.

There are issues on both sides of the relationship of that im sure but the fact we can actually ask ourselves if we have Bpd traits is a good sign we are not

i see my faults and welcome others pointing anymore out to me... .my ex blamed everyone but herself

search4peace... .yeah, she always told me the biggest fear was losing me and yet this is the very thing she drove me towards by her behavior. Then of course the most terrible thing she was afraid of happens. But it's not the first time for me. I know I can't help her, she will just make my life a living hell so there is no choice but to cut my losses at that point.

mitatsu... .in my experience that's very true. I have discussed BPD with some of my exes and they would not even ALLOW a thought that they MIGHT have it. They would usually mirror it on me and reverse it.

So I think you're right regarding that... .

Zues

At any time anyone can show some BPD traits.  We are human beings not demi gods.  And after suffering from a break up it can seem to be like it is us that has BPD.  Part of this can be that fact that our exes try to throw this stuff back on us.  Also it is possible for both in the relationship to have BPD.  If you have any feelings about having this affliction you should contact a professional therapist.  But most likely what you are going through is what I went through which was situationial anxieties which will pass with time and effort. 

this is also one of the reasons this board has the  my-issues emoticon.

Awesome response to a member called Zeus!  :)

My opinion Zeus, for what it's worth, is that you're exhibiting a survival instinct when you abort these relationships prematurely. In that sense it's similar to what a borderline does, but you're aborting on the assumption of future toxicity, whereas they get out because healthy relationships ultimately make them feel uncomfortable.