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It's coming up. We have been separated since last August.

She is supposedly going out of town for her 50th bday to attend a concert with one of her friends.

Her parents live in the same town as concert and MIL has contacted DD21 asking if her and I can fly out for a surprise birthday get together. I certainly don't want to go as I have been painted the abuser in the marriage in Sharknado 2's revision of history in the last 10 months we've been separated.

We've been married for 22+ years and I do like her parents although MIL can be quite controlling. They have enabled all of their children, which all seem to have some pretty bad issues.

DD21 has said she doesn't really want to go either and has put off answering her grandmother, my MIL.

DD21 says she feels like answering and telling her grandmother that things are not at all ok with Sharknado 2.

I'm not going, which I'm sure will cause a new text/email attack on me explaining how abusive I am from Sharknado 2.

I told DD21 that if she wants to go, I will cover her flight with my miles.

Luckily I had to work out of town on my 50th a few months ago. But I did catch hell for Sharknado 2 not being able to share it with me and "make it special".

I do feel somewhat torn or guilty for my decision. What the heck?

Thoughts?

Also, a surprise birthday is definitely NOT a good idea and her mother should know that.

It's been done, and it was not pretty.

As a matter of fact, I've never been able to pull her birthday off "correctly" and paid many a price.

I can understand how it feels like you're walking on eggshells around your ex partner's birthdays. I think birthdays were one of the more stressful yearly events that I can recall.

Her birthdays is 3 months away do you feel like starting your walking on eggshells around MIL and your ex? I understand you probably want to get flights booked earlier too.

I liked my ex inlaws too and they enabled. I don't think that they understood how unstable their D is interpersonal relationships and didn't show empathy after the break-up. I've seen them witness their D first hand with disproportionate displays of anger so I think they knew how difficult she can be.

Your DD21 feels like calling your MIL and telling her now is not a good time. Do you think she may be signaling her grandmother that she's showing little empathy? I understand it's her 50th and some people have divorces where either party is amicable and end things peacefully and are perhaps friends.

Divorce is hard with a person with a personality disorder and they may not see how hard it is for you and are thinking about her birthday. Do you feel like you need more time behind you? Maybe things will be different in a few years were you can go to a family event on her side or maybe less then that?

uBPDw's birthday is June 1st sorry for the confusion there.

I'm not going and it doesn't look like daughter is going either.

I'm sure that will painted as my fault.

I think I'm fine with attending gatherings from uBPDw's side.

Not sure she is though.