BPDFamily.com

Ok... .this is a very long story... .as I am sure most are. First off let me talk about the things I did in the beginning of the relationship that were wrong and broke trust.

When my wife and I first met, I was single and doing the online dating thing. I was seeing a woman for a couple weeks prior to meeting her. My wife and I talked for a week or to and I felt a real connection, so I broke it off with the other woman and pursued my current wife. I did not tell her at the time that I was seeing someone else. Was I selfish for doing this? Yes, of course. Fast forward a few months and somehow we are getting married only 5 months after we had met. It truly was like a whirlwind of promises and intense fights and make up sessions. A couple weeks before the wedding I received a text from the previous woman I was seeing saying she was pregnant. Im not sure if this was a school yard tactic or this woman was angry that I had broke it off for someone else. Either way, her claim was false (which was found out months later) but not knowing this at the time we still proceeded with the marriage. A couple nights before the wedding she was enraged over something (honestly at this point I do not remember what it was) and I had was over the emotional roller coaster I had been on for months.  I packed my stuff and left and told her i did not want to proceed (im sure it wasnt worded that way) and I continued packing and left. Hours of fighting go by and I continue to hold my ground that I cannot proceed like this. ***Now this was not the first time I had left. There were many more altercations prior that would stem from chores or something else very trivial and lead into her threatening suicide, hitting and slapping me, or berating me.*** So after hours of fighting she threatened to kill herself if I did not go through with the wedding, and of course I caved or I would not be here typing this today.

We have been married a little over a year now and it has been chaos ever since. And when I say chaos, I mean end of the world type stuff. When she does not get her way, she flips out, goes into angry mode and does everything from scream and yell, punch and kick holes in the wall to punching me... .She has threatened me with knives, told me she would kill my family members, sent messages to my mother on facebook telling her how abusive I am. She has destroyed our Jeep, thrown away my stuff, broken my things... .I mean you name it shes done it. She likes to get angry, rant and rave for an hour or so and call me every name in the book from retard to loser and when I finally get upset and say something in defense, I am being abusive and get shunned to my car for the night or she threatens to call the police if I dont leave. I say this honestly, the only time I have ever touched my wife is when she has been slapping/punching for a few minutes and I try to grab her and subdue her. This of course is abuse on my part.

Now, the police have been to our house many times... .many times. I have called them a few times when she threatens to kill herself. And of course Im a a**hole for doing so. and several times they have came to the house because the neighbors have called the police. Here are the reason the police have been called to the house by the neighbors:

1. She has tried to hit me with a car - i lied to the police and told them I was not home, but she did in fact do so.

2. Screaming and yelling so loud - the police came and again I lied saying she was not screaming, but she was

3. For slapping and punching me in the face for about 2 or 3 minutes on our front porch. - This was actually the first time the police were called and I did not lie and she went to jail. She blames me for the entire thing, saying I should have lied to the police to protect her and because I did not Im not a real man. She denies ever hitting me and even though we have the photos and recording from that night that clearly show welts, scrapes, scratches and bruises.

Now I can go on and on and on and on and on and on about the way she reacts to simple trivial matters that, in my opinion, only require a quick reminder or a small argument, but that seems like overkill.

The bottom line is she threatens divorce because of my lies and abuse, which is not true. Actually the lying part is... .I feel like I have to lie about small insignificant details to her or I am in for a dose of anger and a couple nights in my jeep if I dont... .Things like which gas station I got gas at or if I forget to do something I will tell her I did it and run and do it real quick... .I do not want to lie to her, but I feel like I am lying for my safety at this point.

Now, the divorce threats are getting old. I have told her many times, if she wants a divorce and that will actually make her happy, than I will give it to her. But she continues to ridicule and threaten until I give in and apologize for who knows what. If I choos to not talk for a night Im a loser and a coward for not making things right. If I try to leave she will threaten me with suicide, hurting herself and calling the police, sabotaging my job, and many more things to get me to stay.

I want out, very badly. But I love her and care for her, but I cannot do anything to help her and if I am trully the cause of her anger than I should go so she can be happy. But I cannot leave because I am scared of what she will do if I do... .

By the way I am in my office typing this because I cannot go into the house this weekend because she is away on a trip to see her friend a few hours away... .she says its because she doesnt trust me home alone, which is preposterous by itself, but I know it is because she fears I will pack and leave.

Please help and tell me what I am supposed to do!

Hi.

I'm new to this board myself bUT  not new to the struggles of being with a BPD partner.  My husband has use any of the tactics your wife uses. Mainly the threats of suicide and vindictive violence should I leave.

These were mainly in the beginning of the relationship. Over the years I've realized he is all talk. That's not to say your wife is too, she might be serious. I don't know. But I just wanted to say I've been there and I completely understand how torn between loving them and wanting to stay because of that. And fearing them and staying for thst reason.

It's been 12 years and in the last 2 years he has finally sought hhelp and things are going better for us. But I won't deny the damage it's done to me as a person and to our relationship.

I would suggest reading the post marked "lessons" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206) I've just begun myself and there are a lot of really great suggestions on how to deal with her when she's emotional and raging.

A really good luck to you and I hope you can find it in yourself to make the right decision for you. Whether thst be to stay and make things work or call it quits despite her threats.

Good luck and welcome to the forum

*welcome* whattodowhattodo

Glad you found us, you are certainly doing it tough.

Most of what you are experiencing is classic BPD when left to run amok when you don't have boundaries in place.

You will learn that you can't directly alter your wife's behavior only start to establish and reinforce a stronger you so that you don't allow yourself to be exposed to a lot of this. In fact your compliance is probably enabling it and making things far worse than they need be.

learning about creating and enforcing boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries) will be your first step, and creating your own space.

It will not be easy, and it will not be conflict free, but you can make YOUR life a lot better, your relationship may or may not survive, but you can learn to take the helm back and make your choices, rather than surviving by default.

Keep on posting and reading.

Waverider

Hey Whattodo:

One ray of sunshine in what must be one dark storm is that you've found this place. It's a wealth of information and a lot of really good people. Most so understand what you're in but having said that my friend you're really in a tough one that must seem insurmountable to you, especially considering your living out of your office while you're reading this.

Envisioning you standing on a scale of pros and cons it seems pretty desperate. If there is any hope of balancing it out and putting more weight on your side of the scale will only be by picking up on the lessons here. Knowing now what I didn't know back then I'd start with the basics for your situation and that's trying to get emergency plans in place. Knowing you have options is everything to being able to clear your mind, push aside the fears and work toward some of those better options that might exist for both of you.

I know somewhat where you are and how desperate and choice less it must seem to you as you read this. Never in my life did I think I would need an escape plan nor did I ever think I'd have police in my driveway, but like many I have. Also like some we've been able to really pull our lives around for ourselves and every one in our world that affects.

I so know that place of FEAR you're in. I was there once right along beside you. It's probably one of the worst and best places I've ever been. They say when you've hit the bottom there's no place but up my friend and you certainly must feel as though your at the bottom and you are if you're in that much fear of making decisions.I say it's one of the best because it puts you in a position that there are no longer choices to over look the past and you have to get up and make choices.

I'm not prompting or promoting that you leave because hey, this is about staying here on this board but maybe it's time to take a personal inventory and really look at your reasons. In your intro you put "To understand if I should leave or if I have the ability to help and make sure she has a good life." Just a word on that my friend. She had a life before you and she will have one after you, she's made it this far for all the threats of not being able to. Would you mind if I word smith your intro a bit and see if that helps: "... ."To understand if I should leave or if I have the ability to help myself and have a good life with her".

Right now my friend you really need to focus on yourself in order to cope better regardless of your decisions for the future. If you allow yourself and your physical and mental health to get beat right up there is no hope. In the relationship you have to be the strong one for you and if there's any hope of making it with her. The extreme threats  of harm or possible criminal action against your family members and particularly the extreme physical violence. What we allow we condone but don't take that as a harsh judgment because I so know when you enter into something with your heart and all your hopes how desperately you can be beaten into the corner. Staying on the ropes for a pounding isn't an answer though - there's no one to throw in the towel for you and right now it must really feel like there's no one in your corner either. Somehow you have to get off the ropes and back out into the ring where you can maneuver. Hey I know that takes courage to pull yourself together but sometimes courage is all we have left to muster when all else seems to have failed.

We all stay for a multitude of different reasons Whattodo. It's never quite as simple as "I love her" although it is a strong motivation. Sometimes we get so beaten down and desperate and become so reactionary just trying to dodge the left hooks that we're blinded to the options and sometimes that's just as simple as being absolute fear of repercussions that we can't see beyond.

Apart from love, what makes you stay Whattodo? Sometimes crossing off the 'have tos' and learning how to transform them into 'want tos' is what gives us better insights and gives us room for hope and other options that will work better. There is no hope in 'having' to.

I know you must be really consumed at the moment but maybe taking some time to explore in print might help to get a clearer vision for you of your future.

Meantime, there's a lot of people here for you my friend, stay here and there's help. You aren't alone and you're not the only person who has been in this spot or the only person who's been able to change there lives around and start climbing out of that dark spot you're in right now.

Its an important question Stalwart brings up. In order to move forward we have to soul search and answer that hard question, "why are we doing this , what is in it for me?'. I doubt you can properly answer this yet. It takes self discovery to truly get this one. Try it and I bet your answers at the moment feel weak and vague to you right now.

The reason this is important is it changes from survival by default into thriving by choice. Once you know why, you can accept it as a choice. It then becomes easier to be proactive and mold your life to suit you.

To address the topic title  I hope someone here has the answer!, no we dont, but we can help with the prompts and questions to help you towards finding your own answers.

Hang in there, you will learn a lot about yourself.

Thank you all for your words. They are appreciated and not taken lightly. Changing myself is something I have been trying to do. But when she shes my change (being more independent or being more comforting/supportive) she meets it with anger and resentment at every turn. Everyone in my corner has told me to leave and get out as fast as I can, but how can I... .this inst a fling or a one nightstand. I am married and with that means in sickness and in health, good times and bad. There is obviously sickness and times are bad... .so do I run away to protect myself or do I let go of my pride and selfishness and try to see what can be done to fix it.

I understand that no one on here can answer these questions. These are decisions I need to make on my own. It just feels good to right them down.

Thanks for reading

This is normal and its called an EXTINCTION BURST (https://bpdfamily.org/2010/10/partner-have-borderline-personality.html)


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This a comman reaction of outsiders. also often from those who have likewise been wounded by a BPD relationship.


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Neither is it necessary to waste your life away trying to rescue someone who refuses to be rescued. It may be a sickness, but they also have choices. We do not need to be martyrs for life. It can escalate to a level that is detrimental to our emotional and physical well being


If all else fails, but first do the following



That way you will know the full story, do the best you can, and if it fails you will know why and there will be less scope for what ifs and guilts.

Hi,

Wow. I am sorry to hear that you're in this turmoil. I am not suggesting that you leave or stay, but I hope that you have some official documentation of what is occurring in your household. Me personally, I wouldn't be covering her actions when the police arrive.

I hope that you soon find resolution and peace on this matter.

 

Please keep reading about boundaries... .they are for you.  So... .it doesn't matter what other people do... .if other people like the boundaries or not... .they are about your self worth.

I was very much like you when I first came here... ."I can't do xyz... .because then she will abc... ."

Eventually... .you will get to the point where you will xyz... .and not pay attention to what other's do.

FF