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Title: frightening new chapter: SO wBPD is going into inpatient treatment program Post by: rise_up on May 25, 2015, 12:21:45 AM Hello all. I've been on the staying board for a while regarding my SO wBPD. I've been so incredibly committed to her and us.
Background: same sex couple together for 3 1/2 years, married for less than 1. SO is high functioning borderline. Self Aware of her anger issues and related triggers. My background: codependent (I just admitted that out loud to a friend today). Ex gf (5 yrs ago) was also BPD. So this current situation is not my first rodeo. My SO and I have had a great few years together. She is attractive, hilarious, intelligent. We put together goals to achieve relationship milestones (eventually move to a larger city, work towards buying a house, fostering a community of friends, etc)At the same time, I don't think I've felt so exhausted and eroded by her explosive verbal rages and Dysregulation. I have been blamed for "causing" her chaos because her last relationship of four years was extremely calm with little to no rages (can't verify that so I don't know). If that's the case, she Put a lot of effort into controlling her surroundings. She also described her ex as unemotional... .which was part of the relationship breaking down. She saw me as this loving life kind of person that she got attracted to. Well with that came chaos... .and so she started controlling her surroundings with me. The staying board is truly for folks with the stomach. The lessons made sense and even the SET tools and validation exercises helped de escalate episodes better. However... .now that I've realized I'm codependent and looking at my r/s patterns in the eyes... .I'm on this board seeking some guidance. Our world changed last week when my brother who lives far away got in a car wreck. I made plans to go see him and support his wife and 12 mo old while he undergoes surgery. (Remember SO and I are a same sex Couple... .my family doesn't accept us). Abandonment kicks in and SO loses it. She initially understood this situation but in a matter of 24 hrs, suddenly thought it was unthinkable that I would go and not invite her to let her support me. She didn't even ask how I wanted to be supported... .and made it about her. With all the years of feeling controlled, I stood my ground... .(I wonder if I did so too much). SO continued to lose it... .yelling/screaming... .so much that I exercised a boundary twice and left the house for 30 mins. She has yelled and slammed things before but this time seemed so different. She punched a hole in the wall, hit her head on the other wall, broke picture frames of us, grabbed my wedding ring and put it into the garbage disposal... . This was unbelievable. I tried validating but didn't agree with her. She calmed down and I ended up getting on the flight. She said she is done. I've been with my brother for 2 days in high stress with him. SO has called a few times saying she is going insane and is contemplating suicide. I can't believe it. She is in the process of checking herself into an inpatient treatment program. So when I return, she will not be home. Everything has just felt surreal and like it has just changed. SO hopefully is taking responsibility. But I want to plan my own healing too. I don't know if we will continue to stay married... .or take a break first... .or begin paths for divorce and then friendship... .or completely severing all ties. I'm in uncharted territory I guess... . Any thoughts or guidance is MUCH appreciated. Thanks for your time everyone. Title: Re: frightening new chapter: SO wBPD is going into inpatient treatment program Post by: an0ught on May 31, 2015, 08:17:40 AM Hi rise_up,
it sounds a bit like hitting rock bottom and where things are heading who knows . I would hope for you that it is upwards wherever that is Excerpt Our world changed last week when my brother who lives far away got in a car wreck. I made plans to go see him and support his wife and 12 mo old while he undergoes surgery. (Remember SO and I are a same sex Couple... .my family doesn't accept us). Abandonment kicks in and SO loses it. She initially understood this situation but in a matter of 24 hrs, suddenly thought it was unthinkable that I would go and not invite her to let her support me. She didn't even ask how I wanted to be supported... .and made it about her. With all the years of feeling controlled, I stood my ground... .(I wonder if I did so too much). SO continued to lose it... .yelling/screaming... .so much that I exercised a boundary twice and left the house for 30 mins. She has yelled and slammed things before but this time seemed so different. She punched a hole in the wall, hit her head on the other wall, broke picture frames of us, grabbed my wedding ring and put it into the garbage disposal... . This was unbelievable. I tried validating but didn't agree with her. She calmed down and I ended up getting on the flight. She said she is done. Dealing with accidents, medical emergencies and the possibility of death can be overwhelming particularly for a pwBPD. With you "abandoning" her and focusing on your family it was more than she could cope with. Still it was the right thing to travel and part of her unraveling may well be an extinction burst. Excerpt I've been with my brother for 2 days in high stress with him. SO has called a few times saying she is going insane and is contemplating suicide. I can't believe it. She is in the process of checking herself into an inpatient treatment program. So when I return, she will not be home. Must have been scary for you to deal with long-distance suicidal ideations . It is good to see that she is reaching out for help and taking her mental stability a bit more into her own hands. That allows you to step back a bit and breath easier and focus on yourself. Excerpt But I want to plan my own healing too. I don't know if we will continue to stay married... .or take a break first... .or begin paths for divorce and then friendship... .or completely severing all ties. I'm in uncharted territory I guess... . You can not stay together if you can't properly take care of yourself. Which is more difficult with her drama but is ultimately limited by your commitment to yourself and your ability to follow through on it. Your relationship certainly has reached unchartered waters . Use the change to put in a few key boundaries. One or two or three things you strongly believe need to stop now and where you are willing to take a stand - consequences accepted if needed. Take good care of yourself - you were traveling and you got two big dramas ongoing in different parts of your family - that can get quite exhausting Title: Re: frightening new chapter: SO wBPD is going into inpatient treatment program Post by: Lucky Jim on June 01, 2015, 01:02:52 PM Hey rise up,
It sounds like you have been down this road before with a former BPD SO. Your current marriage appears to have the hallmarks of a BPD r/s, which are presumably quite familiar to you by now. The issue, of course, is whether to stay or go. Only you will know when it's time to step off the BPD roller coaster. The inpatient treatment program is a new wrinkle. Maybe it will make a difference? I'm not in a position to tell you what to do, so try to think about what is the right path for you. LuckyJim |