BPDFamily.com

I'd met this girl during a time when I was living with my abusive mother and doing pretty badly, objectively speaking. I was still healing from a 2-year with a nice girl. This new one came to pick me up the same night we'd talked on a dating app. She said I was cute and wanted to meet me. I remember feeling a sense of familiarity, like I'd met someone special. We hooked up that night. She wanted to see me again the next day. We continued for a while until I noticed some peculiar behavior. She was staying over all night, following me around like a lost dog. She was late to work several times because of these encounters. Another strange thing was that there was this guy blowing up her phone while we were hanging out, and she'd periodically go elsewhere to talk to him. No big deal, I wasn't wanting anything serious anyway. She told me the sob story about how she was abused by her ex, how everyone had treated her badly her whole life. I felt deeply sorry for her, but we stopped hanging out when I got kicked out of my home.

I wanted to leave the halfway house of sorts I was in, and I find out she's pregnant. We'd had unprotected sex so there was a chance it could be mine, kind of justifying walking into a bad situation. When I went to stay with her, she was constantly fighting with her mother. I didn't realize this was abnormal, if anything I wanted to stay and "protect" her from the abuse. Things went ok, though at that point we were both abusing drugs. She seemed to garner a nebulous sense of validation from using with me. Eventually she raged about my using and we both stopped. Another fight with her mother and she was suicidal, got into counseling. She was diagnosed with BPD. I didn't really know the implications of this fully until later.

I started a new job and was doing well. Her kid was almost 1 when I was asked if I really wanted to stay and raise her. I did love them, but deep down I knew it couldn't work. But I answered that I did, for this relationship was my lifeline and emotional security. We soon moved into a new place with her mom and I left the job I liked because she found out I had flirted with a female co-worker, using comparisons with her ex to guilt me.

For a year after, I struggled every day with the question of whether I should leave or stay. She had gotten on medication a while before, wasn't raging but she spent every day doing nothing but barely taking care of her daughter, pawning her off on her mother and drinking the rest of the night all while talking to multiple other guys online for attention (apparently I just didn't give her enough of my time.) I tried everything I could to assure her how much I loved her but nothing worked. I couldn't imagine myself sticking around for 10+ years just so I could feel connected to a whole human being instead of a needy black hole of despair.

Eventually I packed up, told her I was leaving and she asked if I was serious. "Yeah. I'm leaving." A few weeks go by, I'm living in a new place & things are calm. I wanted to see her again if just to have sex and she goes on about how I'm disgusting and has a FWB anyway. She flip-flops and says she'll be here in 45 minutes. I ask her, "isn't that a bad idea after all?" "yeah, that's why its fun."

She tells me she'd had sex with 3 different guys starting the day after I left, "raped" by one. I felt kind of sorry for her but kind of confused. Like why would you do that? She wants me to get an apartment with her after all this. Then comes the ultimate betrayal, after we'd had sex again unprotected *stupid*

*starts crying* "I saw a few bumps down there, I'm so sorry, are you gonna leave me now?"

Since then, she's hooked up with a guy I was briefly friends with who was just out of a relationship he claims was terrible, that she was an emotional vampire. He seems NPDish. Likes to tell you how you feel, controlling, life on his terms only. They've been together a few months now and in my downtime I can't help but to wonder if the sick dynamic is being continued. I struggle every day wondering if I could've done anything differently, or better somehow. In all reality, my rational mind recognizes the sickness in myself that I once accepted as normal, having been mirrored back to me in her. I realize things will likely not change for her for a long time, and honestly I hope they don't so I have time to heal. It seems her illness is becoming actually more entrenched as she gets older, but another part of me thinks she may be getting better with this new guy? As if he's somehow more loving or patient. So confused.

goodness disorderedsociety, youve been through a lot here. welcome to the family.

"It seems her illness is becoming actually more entrenched as she gets older, but another part of me thinks she may be getting better with this new guy? As if he's somehow more loving or patient. So confused."

give it time. you may know by now these relationships move (with some variance) in stages. without long term therapy its unlikely she will make inroads, less likely that will happen with or as a result of someone else. in other words no, hes not making her better.

are you seeing a therapist?

I am, but she doesn't offer much insight into the whole dwelling on the BPD ex thing and why its so persistent. My capacity for dealing with emotional pain and moving on has usually been good. Other breakups have hurt just as bad but haven't been so dramatic or drawn out with the pain. My therapist mainly encourages me in the positive choices I'm making now, which is nice but I don't feel like she truly understands (or rather, shows she understands) how I'm feeling.

Interestly I heard a therapist say that loneliness is contagious and can be pased genetically I wonder if they entrenched it into us during the r/s

im glad youre seeing a therapist. how long have you been seeing her? the good news is that you can use this board as part of your therapeutic process. a good therapist will keep the focus on you. do you feel youre making progress, or do you feel dissatisfied, or kind of a wait and see?

" but it also makes sense how core trauma experiences can affect your sense of self and self-esteem."

it makes a ton of sense. where do you think this is relevant to you?

"Things have been going well, I just feel so alone in all this."

how far out are you? it sounds fairly early. youre not at all alone in any of this, though  

"I'm relatively young, going on 23"

how many serious relationships have you had? im not much older and feel as if ive never been in a healthy relationship. i didnt take breakups particularly well either, but id put my breakup with my uBPDex on a different level.

"Maybe I'm missing out on a whole dimension of feelings that healthy individuals have. If I haven't experienced it, I wouldn't know, just as an individual with BPD doesn't truly understand how they affect others. Most days I feel pretty much in the middle. Not joyous, not depressed. Just eh."

thats precisely the kind of thing im talking about. personally, feeling like ive never been in a healthy relationship, i can tell you what one is on paper, and i can recognize one when i see one. when you say most days you feel pretty much in the middle, are you referring to your healing process, or in general?

"Interestly I heard a therapist say that loneliness is contagious and can be pased genetically I wonder if they entrenched it into us during the r/s"

I think that's partially true. I think being with them sort of ratifies the feeling of loneliness. I remember I would muster up enough love to give her another shot and she'd say something to ruin it, ruin the mood and make me feel like giving up on us. Then I'd feel even more lonely.

"it makes a ton of sense. where do you think this is relevant to you?"

Not knowing where exactly the line is between healthy and unhealthy in terms of giving my time and affection. I grew up with a belief system that said love could solve any problem. Well, not with someone who expects you to leave, or flips to the other side and talks about having kids and building a life together. There's gotta be some grey areas.

"how far out are you? it sounds fairly early. youre not at all alone in any of this, though"

Since I last saw her, 4 1/2 months.

"how many serious relationships have you had? im not much older and feel as if ive never been in a healthy relationship. i didnt take breakups particularly well either, but id put my breakup with my uBPDex on a different level."

This was my second long-term serious relationship. The one before had issues but she wasn't that bad. We were just crazy teenagers who thought we were in love.

"when you say most days you feel pretty much in the middle, are you referring to your healing process, or in general?"

Like most days, my central mood is stable and calm, if a little impatient with changes I'm making in my life and achieving my goals. I do revert back to thinking thoughts of, what if I had done things differently? Was I the crazy one? Thinking of things she said that hint at sanity, and yes, she was a good and reasonable person, but not consistently. Its like she had a darkness that took her over at 6pm and made her withdraw into a negative vortex, I'm not even kidding. Even with medication, she just didn't have the same authenticity. I feel like the medication made it easier for her to just stuff all the new emotional pain into a corner and call it quits on recovery. I think/hope she finds it surprising when the pattern repeats itself. The parallels between our early r/s and the new guy are uncanny. 1.) Guy taking ADHD meds he doesn't need because he thinks it makes him better at life. 2.) Gets involved with her right after pain of last breakup 3.) Who knows?

"Not knowing where exactly the line is between healthy and unhealthy in terms of giving my time and affection. I grew up with a belief system that said love could solve any problem. Well, not with someone who expects you to leave, or flips to the other side and talks about having kids and building a life together. There's gotta be some grey areas."

same here. love and faith. there are grey areas. it may be a loving thing to end a relationship. there is also self love. i went to a wedding around a year ago. i dont remember the exact words, but i was thrilled the minister said them. something along the lines of yes, when you become married, the two of you become one (a team), but not at the loss of yourselves; not at the loss of autonomy. the best teams ive ever been a part of were where everyone contributed, and everyone appreciated and respected the others contributions.

i like this: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

"Since I last saw her, 4 1/2 months." obviously no one timeline fits everyone, but in general i consider that still pretty early.

"This was my second long-term serious relationship. The one before had issues but she wasn't that bad. We were just crazy teenagers who thought we were in love."

in a lot of ways, youre lucky that this happened to you early in life. take your time with recovery. the lessons you learn and self improvement you gain will last you a life time and ultimately improve your relationships in ways you might not have otherwise been exposed to. i had three relationships in high school, and then got into my BPD relationship when i was twenty one. not only was that relationship twenty times longer, but even to this day id say it was the closest thing id experienced to a serious adult relationship. i guess my point is that while on some levels its a gift, this being your second serious relationship, it can compound a lot of thoughts and feelings and make you even less certain what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.

"I do revert back to thinking thoughts of, what if I had done things differently? Was I the crazy one? Thinking of things she said that hint at sanity, and yes, she was a good and reasonable person, but not consistently."

this is common thinking. the good news is that at some point it wont matter to you, but that may take a while. we are encouraged here, when we are ready, to focus on our own role; we are the only ones we can change now. you may not be "the crazy one" but that doesnt mean you didnt have a role or areas to improve.

this line of thinking though is partly your psyche trying to make sense of things, with some self doubt thrown in, which is natural in grief. ill put it to you like this: four years out, i believe my ex has BPD but it stopped mattering a long time ago. i wanted out and had a foot out the door for far too much of my relationship, yet i stayed. when i think about it, im okay with how my relationship ended (very suddenly, and very quickly replaced). if i had left and then been replaced, i cant imagine how much doubt id have had, and it might not have played out in a way that i learned about BPD - which was really just my ticket to self improvement.

"I feel like the medication made it easier for her to just stuff all the new emotional pain into a corner and call it quits on recovery."

i probably dont need to tell you that medication is not a cure for BPD. it CAN help manage some of the symptoms. my ex stopped her meds upon getting with me (i foolishly supported this). somewhere a third of the way in our problems were extreme, and she got new meds. im pretty sure all it really did was lower her sex drive, and make her more hyperactive. for around the first two years of our relationship she was willing to own a lot, even take on a majority of the blame. in the final months, it was 100% me, exact words. that was flabbergasting. i have come to realize medication is a tool, and sometimes just a crutch, but its one tool. most of the work has to come from within, and life changes/adjustments.

"I think/hope she finds it surprising when the pattern repeats itself."

possible that she will. even if she does, it may not be a full realization, in the sense that such things usually are a catalyst for change. also possible he gets blamed as a result, if not for the realization itself, if that makes sense.

give it time, and as youre ready, be proactive with your time. you have a bright future ahead  |iiii

As far as the core wounds go, mine's caused me to sort of work backward from this attachment. Its hard to explain but I believe the core wound was the common factor in the connection I had with this young woman. Hers is of a similar and different nature.

Mine is from never feeling good enough, from not getting enough positive reinforcement as a child. My internal belief was that I sucked at everything, this one just told me I sucked at relationships. What a load of crap this is in all reality. We are going to make mistakes, that's life.

What I find intriguing about the nature of this one's rebound is that in this case, she was the new guy's backup girl, and she told me she wouldn't be my backup plan.

I'd say their relationships work backward. Her first was a psychopath, second was a bum, third was 19 year old me, and this one's just, "eh."

Thanks for the support.

"As far as the core wounds go,

Mine is from never feeling good enough, from not getting enough positive reinforcement as a child."

i think if you havent already, youll find you have this in common with many members, and theyd agree it led them to/kept them in the relationship. thats not to minimize your unique experience, just that youre definitely not alone in it. youve found a great place with great information relevant to you.

the good news is youve identified your path to recovery. you also demonstrate the ability to challenge these otherwise deeply ingrained beliefs.

"What I find intriguing about the nature of this one's rebound is that in this case, she was the new guy's backup girl, and she told me she wouldn't be my backup plan.

I'd say their relationships work backward. Her first was a psychopath, second was a bum, third was 19 year old me, and this one's just, "eh."

i thought my ex was incapable of leaving; i didnt think it was healthy, but i thought it was matter of fact, the case. she told me how she would react to a breakup between us. i was replaced and although she demonstrated she never fully detached, i dont believe she fully grieved either.

her relationships may very well work backward. youll find a lot of variance here. many members feel their ex downgraded. i feel my ex kept a pretty even keel; the guys before me, and my replacement, were good guys. the relationships did not last as long, but in retrospect, ive seen evidence that i myself was a replacement. my replacement lasted longer than i did. there are things i dont trust about my exes accounts, namely the guy before me, but i can tell not only were we all seemingly good dudes, we were all very different physically and mentally, and in terms of how we behave in romantic relationships.

i guess i made this point previously. youll find a ton in common that you have with others on this board. youll find a ton that is very different. but youll find no better a support group for what youve been through. hang in there and keep posting :)