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I have been receiving 'silent calls' for a couple/three months. Sometimes 2 or three times a day, the phone rings (I run a business from my house so I MUST answer), I answer it and the other line is muted. Sometimes the line stays active until I hang up and sometimes it remains silent. The number is always spoofed as I call it back and receive a recording indicating it is not a valid phone number.

The caller seems to know when I am on vacation and does not call when they know I will not answer. Today, my daughter (who telemarketers and other nuisaces would not have found just yet - she is only 15 and does not disseminate her number as adults do) informed me that she recieved a silent call from a spoofed number (I am not sure to waht level I should be pissed off about this). Fifteen minutes later, I received one.

Although I cannot prove it. I am pretty convinced that this is my ex's work (why would anyone call and NOT want to continue the call while obscuring their true identity FOR MONTHS?). The necessary app is easy enough to download and use. Is anyone else getting these? More importantly, what is their point? Is there an explainable motivation for this?

(why would anyone call and NOT want to continue the call while obscuring their true identity FOR MONTHS?).

Why would a borderline do that? They tend to reach out for comfort and soothing, muted calls from spoofed numbers does not serve that purpose, in fact, it would be hard to interpret other than a form of rejection, which they make a frantic effort to avoid.

Most likely you got automated marketing calls.

Hey JRT,

Not sure what the explainable motivation might be... .to stay connected, to harass and annoy you, to hope you say her name, to hear you get mad/frustrated/upset?  Who knows.  But I don't doubt that your ex is calling for a nanosecond.  My ex contacted me upwards of 450 times over 4 months.  He'd call 23 times in a row.  Why? What was the point?  Not sure I can figure it out... .or that if I could it would even matter.  I simply used it as evidence that there were serious problems from which we could/would never recover.  

I am sorry she has involved your daughter.  I don't think I would waste your time/energy getting mad about it.  Otherwise, your ex is getting the result she probably hoped for.  Just instruct your daughter what to do:  say nothing, hang up, and send you a text to document the date/time.  Probably not a bad idea for you to keep a log of the calls.  

Sorry for you to have to deal with this.  The good news is you are OUT of the r/s!  

Sounds like he was going through intense extinction bursts.  

I have to agree with Boris a pwBPD look for soothing.

JRT

As you know I've received these since last September, one month after my uBPDexgf abandoned our relationship. Except for March of this year I have received at least two a month. This month alone I have received 4 calls plus have been anonymously hit on my LinkedIn acct (which I never use). I have been confounded and driving myself crazy wondering if it was my ex or "something else." Last week I had a moment of clarity. I started remembering last year when she began her fade away. All the calls I had been getting for years from her just ended. I literally had no calls from hardly anyone. None. And I realized that a year ago, until she left, I had had no hang up calls, no PRIVATE CALLER hiding their phone number, no odd phone calls at all. Until September. We were together for 9.5 years. It can't be a "coincidence" that they began when she left.

I remembered that when the first call came in in September I looked at the caller ID wondering what it even meant as I had had no call that had ever said "OUT OF AREA PRIVATE CALLER." When I picked up the call because it was so unusual a call to me, I said hello twice and then I got hung up on. This had been our little "game" each month since then.

Once I realized that in the past my phone calls had been boring, particularly from telemarketers, that is until last Fall, I came to the conclusion it is without a doubt my exgf. I only get a few a month. But this month there have been four.

Why she's doing it? Well my guess is that she wants to have contact but can't bring herself to do it. I know your ex left out of the blue like mine. You can't do something as impulsive as that without wondering if you've made a mistake. I saying wondering but I should actually say "knowing." But also, I don't think my ex can even possibly admit she is wrong. So calling and toying with our minds gives them some sort of satisfaction and I believe eases some sort of tension or loneliness within them. And it's probably them missing us as well. Somehow even the little contact makes them feel better I think.

If you  don't think it makes sense that a telemarketer is hitting your daughter, then trust your instincts about it.

So maybe that's it. I keep hoping my ex says something. Unlike many here, after 9.5 years together and as angry as her actions have made me, I would work on the relationship. If she would just say something. So that's my take. It's definitely my ex calling me. Why is still elusive. I suspect if I keep dwelling on that, the universe will send me that answer too.

Just think about how your past calls have been when the two of you were together. If what is happening now happened then, then maybe you just didn't realize it was happening. But if you're like me and you know that these "unusual" calls began AFTER they've gone, then you will probably have your answer.

I suspect one of these days both our ex's will finally have something to say. I myself look forward to it.

JRT and Shadow -does such  behavior seem characteristic? In my case, for example, the answer is no. My ex is quite grandiose and fairly shameless. He will waltz back like nothing happened when its recycle time. But maybe yours are different. Are they of the waif variety?

"More importantly, what is their point? Is there an explainable motivation for this?"

"They tend to reach out for comfort and soothing, muted calls from spoofed numbers does not serve that purpose"

personally im looking at it as struggling with object constancy. if its her shes struggling to fully recall you. where i disagree with the other posts is that hearing your voice would soothe that need in the same way hanging on to a piece of your clothing might.

I have no idea if it's characteristic of my ex or not. Her behavior last year when she faded, then abandoned our relationship was uncharacteristic. She had neither spoken of nor shown the capacity to do what she did, and yet she did it.

So in light of that, I would say it's not beyond her to do it, as I had never heard nor seen these things from her before. She certainly never did it in our 9.5 yr relationship when she "broke up" for her 3 hour or 2 day times. We were always in contact throughout each of those. And she never left the way she did last year. So all of this is brand new and unfamiliar to me. I can't say for her.

If this were the early years of our relationship, I might say she was a waif. But now she is more of a queen and has her moments of being of the witch variety. All of that has been spiced with the narcissicism she added during the last 4 yrs of our relationship.

To your point, in the past she would ease her way back, apologize and tell me I didn't deserve her treatment (she was usually right). There are times I think she wants to do that, but knows she screwed up so bad, she isn't sure how to say "sorry I went looney last year and took it all out on you." And frankly, illness or not, she should be terrifically ashamed for her actions. They have been quite detrimental and hurtful, and they aren't something that are easily forgivable.

Honestly, if she came back in like you say yours might, I'd let her have it again.

My ex has plenty of things in her home to fill her need for "object constancy" of me. We were together almost ten years so she has plenty of those kinds of markers of me. What she does not have is me and my emotional support any longer. So in my case, I do believe it is her reaching out for some sort of emotional soothing, whatever that may be.

I am sure JRT's ex's actions are probably something entirely different. One thing is for sure, it is a confounding action for an adult (46) woman to be taking.

 Shadow: maybe your ex just fears rejection?

Next time my ex calls I will be sure to hand you the phone lol.

These thoughts mostly stem from "malignant hope" that the pwBPD still hold us dear, despite the fact that they left months ago, and made clear that don't want to contact us.

Robotic calls are skyrocketing, it is believed that most, although not all, silent calls are made by telemarketing agencies. By definition, a silent call is a telephone call that is generated by a predictive dialler which does not have an agent immediately available to handle the call. In this instance the call may be terminated by the dialler, and the called party receives a silence ("dead air" or a tone from the telephone company which indicates the call has been dropped.

www.wjla.com/articles/2014/08/robocalls-skyrocketing-despite-the-do-not-call-registry--106329.html (http://www.wjla.com/articles/2014/08/robocalls-skyrocketing-despite-the-do-not-call-registry--106329.html)

That may be. But my calls are ones where I  say hello twice and then the phone is hung up. I have experienced the calls you speak of. Usually if I wait long enough, someone comes on the line and starts their pitch, or the call just continues with the "dead air." My calls are me saying hello twice, and then I'm hung up on. Those aren't robotic calls.

Are you sure about that, Shadow?

If dead silence follows your “hello,” it’s likely the call is from a telemarketing center using “predictive dialing” technology, in which a computer dials multiple phone numbers over a short period.

When you answer, the computer is meant to quickly transfer you to an available telemarketer, and the usual sales pitch follows. But if all sales reps are occupied with other calls, you hear nothing.

Other times, these “abandoned” calls are prerecorded pitches that will not begin unless you speak loudly enough or in some cases say “hello” twice.



www.aarp.org/technology/privacy-security/info-08-2010/ask_sid_hello_hello_anyone_there.html (http://www.aarp.org/technology/privacy-security/info-08-2010/ask_sid_hello_hello_anyone_there.html)

These thoughts mostly stem from "malignant hope" that the pwBPD still hold us dear, despite the fact that they left months ago, and made clear that don't want to contact us.

Robotic calls are skyrocketing, it is believed that most, although not all, silent calls are made by telemarketing agencies. By definition, a silent call is a telephone call that is generated by a predictive dialler which does not have an agent immediately available to handle the call. In this instance the call may be terminated by the dialler, and the called party receives a silence ("dead air" or a tone from the telephone company which indicates the call has been dropped.

www.wjla.com/articles/2014/08/robocalls-skyrocketing-despite-the-do-not-call-registry--106329.html (http://www.wjla.com/articles/2014/08/robocalls-skyrocketing-despite-the-do-not-call-registry--106329.html)[/quote]
That may be. But my calls are ones where I  say hello twice and then the phone is hung up. I have experienced the calls you speak of. Usually if I wait long enough, someone comes on the line and starts their pitch, or the call just continues with the "dead air." My calls are me saying hello twice, and then I'm hung up on. Those aren't robotic calls.[/quote]
Are you sure about that, Shadow?

If dead silence follows your “hello,” it’s likely the call is from a telemarketing center using “predictive dialing” technology, in which a computer dials multiple phone numbers over a short period.

When you answer, the computer is meant to quickly transfer you to an available telemarketer, and the usual sales pitch follows. But if all sales reps are occupied with other calls, you hear nothing.

Other times, these “abandoned” calls are prerecorded pitches that will not begin unless you speak loudly enough or in some cases say “hello” twice.



www.aarp.org/technology/privacy-security/info-08-2010/ask_sid_hello_hello_anyone_there.html (http://www.aarp.org/technology/privacy-security/info-08-2010/ask_sid_hello_hello_anyone_there.html)[/quote]
I get those calls too and these are NOT those calls (for clarity, THIS is what a 'predictive dialer' does (www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Predictive_dialer). I am not sure what telemarketing company would tie up valuable ports on thier VOIP servers so that they can call a guy in Michigan (and who knows how many other people) and just park the call without hanging up rendering their expensive IT outbound calling investment that much less effective? Why would they go through such lengths to hide their phone number by spoofing, these are people that wnat you to spend money with them? Hiding their number says 'don't buy from me', 'I'm a scam'.  Why would they do so several times a day, NEVER havinag an agent or message for months? How is it that the phantom telemarketers know when I am on vacation and don't bother to call? I don't believe that they are also stalking me on FB (I have established that my ex stalks me there)? How did the phantom telemarketing company get a hold of my 15 year old daughters phone number? If the calls are random, why would my daughter get one and then minutes later, I would get one?  How is it that up until 3 months ago, I had NEVER received this type of phone call? Why is it on the days that I do not receive this type of call, are days that my ex would be insanely busy with her job? None of this is smoking gun material, but all things considered I am pretty sure that it is her.

The question is academic  (Frankly, it has become irritating and the fact that my duaghter is now involved pisses me off) and consistent with the behavior that I have read about her over and over again where BPD's send blank texts. call using '*67' or a pay phone, stalk on social media and so on. Both Shadow and I (and many other members here) have reported this sort of activity that we highly suspect is the reponsibility of our ex. Given the nature of what had happened in my case, aliens landing a rocket ship on my front lawn would not seem to be a stretch. THis is standard BPD territory, the question is 'why do they do it?'.

Does it seem characteristic?, yeah... .totally. Especially with my ex's preoccupation with her phone and a bit of tech saavy.

I think that 'once removed' has the most likely explanation given the environment. I would go along with soothing if there were other activities that were more benign in nature such as a response tot he note that I sent along with her mail and such, but no such things have happened. Moreover, I have noted that 'object constancy' was a huge factor in the suffering of my exBPDfiance which, for example, made it easy to recycle freinds, family members and me (6 times). I recall that after recycles that she would tell me that upon mere sight of me, that 'something clicked' and the rage and effort to detatch would end right then and there. I am no object constancy expert but it this would seem to fit the bill... .

I have been getting alot of these spoof calls myself lately late at night... .apparently you can make these calls online without anyone knowing who it is... .not sure what to make of these myself.  There not telemarketer calls someone is on the other line then hangs up.

you say muted calls dont serve that purpose but nor do drive bys. They must serve some purpose even if its just to know you are still alive. I guess it depends on what level of access they have to you. If you have no social media and no other means then a cold call would work.

@Zunder

yes, there are a lot of phone apps for that... .you can download them for free... .you type in the phone number that you want to call, then you type in the nuber that you want to have appear on THEIR caller ID... .its that simple. Stalking made easy!

@EM 

Thats the mystery of the hour... .I wish that I knew... .I have my FB profile as 'public', so she and anyone else can see it. I caught her stalking me during the winter (whihc I think is normal anyway. What type of person would NOT check in on someone that they spnet 2 years with?) ... .the additional calls. I think, have to do with object constancy as 'once' suggested or they are a quixotic attempt towards making bona fide contact by checking to see what their emotional reaction is to a voice (I read a BPD account that spoke of this).

its getting to be a pain... .

"These thoughts mostly stem from "malignant hope" that the pwBPD still hold us dear, despite the fact that they left months ago, and made clear that don't want to contact us."

i dont think im personally coming from a place of malignant hope nor encouraging it, and i get the feeling its not what jrt is describing, nor robotic calls. jrt in his last comment mentioned that this person has cyber watched him. hes laid out why robotic calls in this case dont make much sense and i agree.

this kind of ambiguous contact does happen. so does malignant hope and reading too much into contact that isnt really contact. again, that really doesnt sound like what jrt is describing.

enlighten me, i was quoting, those were not my thoughts.

If your not active on social media then it may appear as if your dead. Were dealing with people who react to feelings so depending how they feel from one minute to the next so who knows what they will do.

I would start a log. See if theres a pattern and see if your ex can be crossed off. Another thing you can do is report it to your phone company. They may be able to tell you if its an automated machine calling. I had this happen to me and it was a faulty machine auto dialling me.

@Once... .my thinking exactly... .I wish that I could count her out but there is no evidence to the contrary... .again, my intent from posting this was to get some understanding of what motivates this tpe of behavior, not a solicitation of hopeful encouragement, and i think that I have got it from your thoughts.

@Enlighten... .thats a good idea... .I have thought of doing that and superimposing it upon other calls, time of day, day of week, etc to sse if there was some sort of discernable trend that supports that its her. But demands of life have precluded me from doing this. Of course, I am already highly convinced that it IS her.

Let me ask you since you had the same experience: did you also have spoofed numbers? Were the circumstances similar to mine at all?

I'm not on social media except for linkedin and Twitter. My uBPDexgf has no idea of my twitter account. Or if she does she's forgotten. And I never use my linkedin acct tho recently it has been getting anonymously hit by a linkedin member (which she is). Neither she nor I FB. We don't live in the same city. I have no idea of her life, she has no idea of mine. However, I do receive these hangup calls. Not robotics, not me not speaking loud enough. Hang up calls.

I have kept a log. Every single one of the calls I have gotten, except for two I got in the evenings (which were coincidently tied to exactly when she used to call me at night) are right before the top of the hour or half hour. And I mean a few minutes, not 10 or 12. Those times are consistent with her schedule as a therapist because she always saw a client at the top of the hour. If she had a few minutes when we were together, she would call. Just to say hi and tell me she was thinking about me.

Again, for posters who may not know, my ex and I are women and were together 9.5 years. I am very familiar with her schedule. I know her kids are still school aged, so her schedule is around that, and I know she is at the same job in the same location. I DID NOT have hangup calls for the entire time we were together. And they certainly were not hidden behind a blocked number. But that's my experience. These aren't a robot calling me.

I suspect she doesn't call more because I honestly believe she might be afraid she really would say something. Frankly, I wish she would say something. Say anything... .

If I was getting them at regular times then I would get someone else to answer. I imagine another woman answering would shock them. If the calls suddenly stopped then you have your answer who's calling.

I might chime in here... .I think this is very interesting... .I have had drive bys... . not near my house but in other locations where he knows I may be... .Routine comings and goings... .He is going miles out of his way for what? On the road reading a number plate?  Makes no sense... . But your comment JRT reminded me how he used to tell me (during rel,  after fleeing and coming back) that he "wanted to come back and talk to me but couldn't"... .of course I couldn't truly get what he meant having no idea at all then about BPD... .Several times he spoke like this... .as if the power was outside himself... .What I did understand is that his emotions were making it impossible for him to come forward,  reach out etc... . How sad

It shouldn't be a stretch to believe that our ex's are behind these calls as this is right out of the BPD playbook. The focus is on 'why'; what would drive a woman who did the brealing up, who went to great lengths to prevent any communication, who called the cops on me when I curcumvented her blocks, an otherwise highly intelligent and rational (at least realtively so) woman to do this kind of thing... .and to do it with regularity over the course of months?

@EM... .2 weeks ago my daughter answered my phone for me. That was a special case of an IMMEDIATE hang up. Then, a redial within seconds from another (spoofed) spoofed number. On that one I answered.

When yesterdays call came in, I had a woman that I had been seeing over who is familiar with the situation. I motionend to her to speak so that she could be heard. So far today, I have not had a silent call at all. Tomorrow, I am going away for a week with no access to my phone. My vacation has been well announced on FB (as was my last one where I receved zero calls). My home caller ID should do much more to confrim who it is. But again; my focus is not on the who, but rather on the 'why'.

Thanks for posting this... .I had 2 years with my ex and got to know her very well... .my r/s was not the classic sturm und drang BPD roller coaster like most of the ones that I read about here, it was actually pleasant. We rarely argued or even disagreed and had many of the smae interests, goals and cultural interests The breakup and recycles were, of course, brutal. What you just shared with me is exactly what I have been suspecting about my ex through what she has told me after our recycles and just from knowing her and these calls, I believe, are a manifestation of this. I suspect that it causes her REAL emotional pain to even think about us; I am her trigger for something that happened long before she even met me. 

Yes, it is VERY sad... .the thing that they desire most they destory in this way and then are blocked from any salvation of their r/s. What happened with yours? Can you share more of your story?

I think why they do it is to feel a connection. The reason they dont speak or approach you is probably fear of rejection.

Just because they are dissordered doesnt mean they cant feel an attachment to someone. Not a healthy attachment but still an attachment.

I think that that is the best explanation given the framework of BPD. This is highly confusing coming from a BPD that did the breaking up and reacted to contact in highly extreme ways. I am guessing that something might have finally kicked in for her, the greiving in reverse that is sometimes mentioned here. Where she finally realized the impact and permanance of her actions.

Oh Lord, I ended it,  very reluctantly and painfully after reading up about BPD and finding this site... .the dysregulations were nearly every other day... .he'd accuse every other sentence,  was paranoid even... .it was devastating,  I might be able to soothe or reassure him but there was always more... .It hurt like hell to be so mistrusted after all I had shared with him... .  He couldn't connect to our shared experiences,  memories from even the year before... .I had the sense that all my love,  loyalty and commitment instead of being an investment was a futile waste of time... .It certainly wasn't being appreciated... .to me 'our' memories were us... .But realising he couldn't remember or connect back in to them it seemed to me then that we just couldn't possibly grow old together.  Really it scared the crap out of me,  I was drained,  disappointed and terribly hurt and he just couldn't get it... .He hated to hear I was in anyway disappointed in him and I just couldn't do it. I had no idea then about the lying,  smear campaigns etc God only knows what he has said or done,  I don't go there... .Unlike you we had rages,  huge emotional outbursts (both),  tears and clinging,  intimacy but in hindsight not enough trust and the inevitable BPD decline. He had been diagnosed with Adult Adhd eighteen months previous and the denial I witnessed eith that was frustrating and heartbreaking... .I knew "BPD"  wasnt going to go down well and I felt I didn't have the right to insist on treatment etc

But JRT sent her a note indicating he was open to contact. Where is the fear of rejection coming in?

Mine (waif type) did drive-byes. Aren't drive-byes similar to hang-up calls?  There is presence but no actual contact... .

The "action" can be soothing, to a sick needy person. Contact risks rejection, even if JRT indicated that he was open to contact. Let's not start to expect normal, adult, rational behavior. That does not happen.  :)

I started answering those calls turned out they were robocalls from a payday loan lender. I tried dialing number back and recording said number was "not in service" so apparently this does happen. It was a huge letdown. That does not mean this is the case for Shadow or JRT, because BPDs are notorious for this behavior. My own mother does it! But one size does not fit all, that was my point. All BPDs are different, particularly those comorbid npd or with strong narc traits. The more grandiose, the more shameless. The only reason a narc would make contact in this manner, according to my therapist, would be to check if you are still available. But checking if you are available and actually wanting contact are two different things.

@Dis... .thank you very much for sharing... .I really wish that it had worked up much differently for you... .It certainly sounds like you gave it your best effort

@BB... .so if a NPD is checking for supply, why would a BPD be doing this?

@Infra... .mine was a waif too... .maybe there is something to that... .I do think that the actions are similar... .yes, I am open to contact and indicated that when I returned some maile to her on a note... .I surmise that shame is preventing this or as dis mentioned in her post.

My guess would be a fear of rejection? She knows she messed up. Shame.

Just to try and put this behaviour in context. Imagine a child that has been naughty and sent to their room. They sulk at first then they sneak out to check on you. They peer into the room trying not to be seen to make sure your still there and to guage your mood. As infrared mentioned this is child like behaviour we are dealing with and their arrested emotional development is the root cause.

Hi JRT,

Remember me? Haven't been on the boards in a while - how are you doing?  Have to agree with enlighten me on this. You know my story and how my ex "creeps" my Facebook page, right? Well - he's still watching my FB videos to this day. This behavior has been going on since the end of February. I will admit - when it first started, I was a bit excited. I thought he would eventually contact me and we could have a decent conversation. Wrong. It's been, what? Three months now of this with zero contact. He just can't do it. And I'm certainly not going to reach out to him ever again.

What do I take from this behavior? My ex likes to project to the world that his life & marriage are "amazing" and that he is "so blessed". If it's so amazing - then why does he visit my Facebook page several times a day to watch silly videos of me and my pets? If it's so amazing - he wouldn't bother... . 

Childlike behavior? Yep.   

It seems that in era of social media, stalking is the new norm:

According to a study, 88 percent of lovers follow their exes around on Facebook after break up. The surveyed people were recruited from the general population who’d broken up with an boyfriend or girlfriend in the past 12 months.

Not merely did the vast majority stalk, but 70 percent admitted to using a mutual friend's profile or even logging in as that mutual friend to do their stalking.

Is that not painful enough for you? Well, 74 percent crept around the profile of their ex's new partner or someone they feared might be their ex's new partner.

Please don't think of these people as victims of love. For 31 percent admitted to posting pictures to try and make their exes jealous -- on the presumably logical assumption that their ex would be stalking them too.

www.cnet.com/news/88-percent-stalk-their-exes-on-facebook/ (http://www.cnet.com/news/88-percent-stalk-their-exes-on-facebook/)

Thanks for all of your insightful comments. Welcome back Lipstick!

Those are some big numbers Boris, many thanks for sharing them.

Just a follow up from me on this. I was out of the country without phone service for the past 7 days. I had my cell phone forwarded to my land line so that anyone that call would be forwarded there. Guess what? Not even one silent call at all... .down for a high of 3-5 to zero coinciding with my vacation (one that I did little to hide on FB). This does a lot to convince me at this point but if they pick back up next week, I will be 99.999% sure.

The BPD behavior is amazing... .

Amazing and so hard to convince others that it actually goes on. No on believes you, right?

I think part of the problem is a lot of their behaviour can be so subtle that only we can see it. Sometimes when I think about it I can see the big picture but it is made up of so many little bits that on their own seem insignificant. When you look at all the insignificant bits on their own you can doubt yourself so hardly suprising others dont see it and you end up looking crazy.

It's exasperating... .and very painful.

The interesting thing in my case is that most of my friends actually agree it more than likely is my exgf doing the calling. What they can't believe is the manner in which she ended our relationship, they why of it (there was no why, I have no idea only my speculations why she left), and the fact that she wouldn't take any calls to talk about why she left when this all went down. This is the part that is so unbelievable to my friends. None of my friends have ever heard of such behavior. I had never heard of such a thing til I was forced to live through it.

I guess it all depends on how your friends feel about you and what their experiences in life have been. I think in my case my friends think that someone who would end a relationship in such a crazy manner would be crazy enough to make hang up phone calls, even if she is 46 and a therapist.

There are only a couple of people in my life that even know about it, one being my daughter who has received one such call and the woman i have been seeing who was here when I received two of them. I have not bothered to tell anyone else as I am pretty certain that they would say something to the effect of, 'its just a telemarketer, why would she be doing that anyway (presupposing a rational mind)?... .not saying anything... .thats crazy' or, ' you really need to move on JRT'.

The calls are pissing me off a little bit especially if it is true that she is making them to my daughter. I have no problem talking to her but I am not sure if the nature of these calls is about talking.

It could be about object constancy. The fact that if she doesnt stay connected to something then it dissapears. If she feels that everyone has this trait then it could be her way of keeping her in yours and your daughters mind.

Interesting EM... .are you saying that she is making these calls for our benefit? That she wants to keep the connection and prove that she is 'real' and is, hence, making the calls?

I think its a possibility. Thats why fb is such a godsend to BPDs they can pop into peoples heads when they like.

At the end of the day we can only really guess at what drives them from our knowledge of the individual.

Just a question. Did she ever get back in touch with people out of the blue then not continue communicating?

i think its a possibility too, though i dont know if itd be for your benefit, per se. i stand by my theory, but i think its possibly a bit of both. she calls trying to recall you, she wonders (if unconsciously) if you recall her (or assumes you dont) and that makes her uncomfortable.

im sorry this is going on jrt. its confusing, and even when youre 99% sure that 1% makes you feel crazy. i hope the fact that you left, got no calls, came back, calls started up again, is validating on some level.

@EM... .I don't really think that she did that, not as far as I know. But she did get back in touch with people that she had stopped communicating with. When I met her, she effectively had only one friend and even that person she had loathing for. Slowly, she would bring up 3 or so other GF's that she had, for this reason or that, stopped communicating with. They were all back in her life at the time that we b/u... .,almost as if she was gathering them to support her future b/u, dunno. I suspect (more intuition than anything else) that she is now NOT communicating with them.,... .this seems to follow some sort of cycle with her after she breaks up with men; she withdraws, gains weight and cuts herself off from everyone. 

@OR... .You really hit the nail squarely on the head: its that one percent that has been driving me nuts. It is validating and will be more so if they continue next week, but what then? Its been 8 months! I can't go on living my life like this. If she hadn't called the cops on me on Xmas eve when I attempted to contact her, I'd give her a call and say 'What the heck?'. But I prefer to not deal with the potential legal impact.

Of all the gin joints in the world... .

My ex gets her friends out of the toy cupboard. Its funny as she pretty much cut all her friends when she got with her boyfriend. Now she is all chummy with them again and I think about to break up with him. I say this as its her weekend without the kids and she normally goes away but today she isnt.

Just a thought as she called the police then if she actually contacted you then it would make her complaint look odd.

I wonder if thats a standard play in the BPD playbook: push the friends away during the r/s (but why? They might blow their cover?), gather them around towards the end, ex bash after the fact.

Are you concerned that you have a recycle on the way? (forgive me, I know that you have told me before but how long have you been NC and b/u?)

No chance of a recycle. I wouldnt allow it. No I keep an eye as we have a son. My biggest concern is that I think she is having a fling with her landlord. He is always there apparently. His girlfriend is already suspicious and had a go at her and called her a slapper in the school playground. So my biggest worry is her getting kicked out when it all blows up. She will either move closer to me which I dont want or further away which will be more awkward for seeing my son.

It does make a fascinating case study though and combined with this site fills in a lot of behavioural blanks.

I believe I had the same from my exBPDgf. Some months after we split, my phone began to ring, silent calls, over and over. At first I didn't know what it was about, assuming a wrong number, but it continued. I finally wrote an email to her wishing her well, and asking "if you might happened to know who is calling me incessantly and hanging up, please as them to stop." All calls stopped immediately, from that moment.

A few months later, again.

I sent another email, it stopped immediately.

Thanks for sharing that CJ... .its one of the maddening thing about it: I am pretty darn sure but there is a small margin of of possible deniability. I 'spoke' to her by name on one of the calls and they stopped for a short while. I suspect that mine desperately wants me to come and chase her as Shadow describes but at the same time I am a trigger to her and should expect a call from the cops (again) if I did.

Do you happen to have a link to Shari's article on this?

my ex does silent calls too from uknown number.

she just wants to hear me and throw the ball at me. maybe she hopes me to figure it out and call back and talk. she is afraid of talking because she is with her rebound relationship and in our "closure" i told her to stay off of me or else i will tell him everything. if she had broken up with him she would definitely call and talk.

how do i know all this? i am just guessing but i think i know her pretty well.

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