BPDFamily.com

uBPDw (stbx) had requested we mediate a financial settlement. In reflecting on this, a mediator would be more like a marriage counselor in a way, right?

She hates marriage counselors. They don't take her side.

I'm thinking if we each had our own lawyer and sat down, perhaps if she a zealous advocate would work better. The lawyer would be on her side... .

I might bring that up as an option. We'll probably end up with a traditional divorce and all the trappings.

This sucks.

Gomez

i've written about this before gomez so i hope i'm not boring anyone, but having lawyers made all the difference for me. it was a piece of brilliant fortune that mine was excellent. her method was to stonewall the other L, who had a reputation for being difficult and aggressive, when she got difficult and aggressive. it worked perfectly.

yes, the other L is bound to represent his/her client zealously, but so is yours. and leaning again on my own experience, i would have been outdone in mediation by my BPDxw, who is very entitled and demanding and me being in a state of emotional defeat at that time. i would advise getting counsel. it puts a layer between you and your w and the nasty stuff has to travel through a baffle (the two Ls) before it gets to you.

My uN/BPDex (and I)went into mediation against his uBPDexw.

We knew going in, she was sabotaging earlier attempts at compromise and changing her mind every hour.

There was a room that the mediator was in.  The different clients/lawyers took turns with the mediator.  They were all never together.  The way it was set up was that there was a room to each side of the mediation room... .the side rooms... .each were for each side when not with mediator.  During breaks, neither encountered the other.  Mediation was actually successful for us I suppose.  Meaning, we left with an agreement signed.  (It was hell getting there... .look hours longer than expected... .and horrible abuse harassment on the way and also after)

A variation of this is that you both have lawyers, and a mediator goes between rooms. This is how I did it with my ex, and we managed to settle all but one piece, which effectively gave us a settlement. In the settlement, it just said, "This one thing the parties cannot agree to, so must be adjudicated by a judge." (Just an aside on this -- it allows people to feel like they won. What many don't realize is that you have to be the one to initiate the new motion. So if you agree on 90% in mediation, and then tell your wife that the 10% has to go before a judge, she may feel that she "won." Not realizing that if she doesn't lift a finger to make the thing happen, then nothing will happen. )

I managed to do well in mediation, which is fairly shocking given that mediation is not often successful with someone who has BPD. Especially a very narcissistic BPD. I think my ex wanted desperately to appear like the reasonable person. He was performing. Also, I was in another room so only heard what the mediator told me. It all came through a filter.

This goes to maxen's point about having a lawyer be the baffle.

This would also minimize the chances that she could expertly triangulate the mediator and you, because she would not have access to you directly.

And yes, it does suck. However, if you get a mediator, really grill that person about their skills. A really good mediator is worth his/her weight in gold.

I believe this would be a good reply to just about every unreasonable demand... ."No, that's not acceptable.  If this goes to court the judge would not rule in your favor.  This is my position, it is very reasonable, take it or we'll let the judge decide."

Typically our settlement offer will be a little better than the court would probably rule since avoiding a protracted court case would be less expensive.

Your spouse may not listen, but the mediator will and may even comment agreeing that your position was reasonable.  Mediation laws vary between states.  Some allow lawyers to be present.  Some are a black box to the court and all that the court is told is whether mediation succeeded or failed.

This is good stuff. Appreciate it. Having something to use like broken record helps me stay calm, which helps when she dysregulates.

Gomez

Thanks, everyone.

All good info.

We're meeting with the parish priests (and two lay women) tonight for a bit. I'm going to spell out some basic boundaries and see if I need to get a hotel room for another night or two.

Gomez