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My older sister is once again going through another episode. In her early 60s, she had several marriages and relationships, no children. Her current relationship of about 3 years is in an uproar and her boy friend asked her to move out. For the past year she was in need of hip surgery and she hasn't taken care of it. I have given her so much money over the years and financially pulled her out of her problems. I can't afford it anymore. She lives out-of- state and wants to move in with my family, would need to support her, she doesn't drive, so that is another issue. My husband and 2 sons are upset, they don't want her here. They won't forget her venomous personality. I also take care of my mom and father in law in their 90s. I am very overwhelmed. She said she will be homeless if I don't help.

Hi, dlinxed,

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulty you're having with your sister. Please remember one thing - all of these questions can be answered with one word -

Who has been neglecting her own health?

Who has used you financially, repeatedly, with no lasting change to her circumstances?

Who has participated in relational drama that has repeatedly resulted in failed marriages?

Your sister, is who.

It is not you. Your sister is responsible for herself. Your sister cannot drag you through anything that you do not allow yourself to be pulled through. If you do not cater to her, she may not end up homeless. For one thing, it is her choice to move out from her boyfriend. (Even if he's demanding it; if she leaves there and goes to the streets, it is not because YOU forced her to. It is because she made the choice to leave one place with nowhere else to go.)

Please don't put your sister above yourself and the rest of your family. Please don't let her selfishness trump everyone else's life. I know it is really hard to deny help to someone that you wish good towards, but please don't allow yourself to be abused and taken advantage of like this.

Hi dlinxed ,

I just want to echo what claudiaduffy said. And add YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE! Where your sister lives, no doubt there are services available to her. She has to seek them out. If she is disabled, there is help from many places. There are shelters even. But SHE has to seek them out. Not you. You have done more than your share. Your husband and sons come first.

Sound like you are not in a position to help, by allowing her to move in.

Maybe you can "help" by listening?  Offering resources?  Some other way that you feel ok with?

Maybe she can go in for the hip surgery, then go to inpatient rehab after, then tell the social workers there that she needs help finding a place.  They cannot discharge her to homeless... .well... .I guess it depends where you live, what state and all.

I agree with the others tho... .you are not responsible for her, for her plan, for the outcome, etc.

Thank you, everyone, for being there and listening. Through research over the net I found this group. I am grateful. In my early teens I saved my money to go to a therapist by myself. I knew something was wrong in our family. I couldn't understand why my sister hated me, hit me and would leave death threat letters on my bed. I spent years in therapy, I am now in my 50s. The only time over the years my sister would speak to me was when she needed money, bills paid or favors. I never hated her, the family dynamics became so dysfunctional I left home at 18. This evening her doctor sent me an email saying he told my sister to temporarily stay with me and have her surgery. If I let her into my home she will never leave. This happened when I was younger. I let her stay with me and I lost my friends, she tried to control my life.

During the separation of her 2nd husband she stayed with our cousin/friend. The condition was she could stay until she found another place. She wound up staying there for 3 years. She refused to leave. Eventually my elderly parents allowed her to move back.

As I writing this, it sounds so bizarre to me.

I don't know what to tell her doctor. He will probably think I'm a horrible uncaring person. I have not been in contact with her for 13 days. She had what I refer to as her tornado episode. It starts slow and spirals into destruction. Her boy friend also wants to know what the doctor suggests. I feel paralyzed. My fear is her boyfriend will leave her at my front door.

Hi dlinxed!  so sorry to hear about your situation, I also have a uBPDsis, so understand what you're going through though my situation is not so extreme.  There is absolutely no way I could contemplate living with my uBPDsis, or even having her live any closer than she already does.  I can only echo everyone else - do not cave in to this - you will just invite hell into your life - and your husband and sons have made their wishes clear.  They have to come first, along with you.  Don't be guilted into messing up your life for someone who would never come close to doing anything like this for you in return.  I would write a clear, firm, objective and unemotional letter/email whichever to both your sister and boyfriend, saying sorry to hear about her difficulties, unfortunately you are not in a position to help her at the moment due to your own plate being full with immediate family, and taking care of the elderly relatives, but you wish her well.  I know it's hard - I struggle with the thought of other people thinking I'm being uncaring etc. but you know what, I'd rather have the odd uncomfortable feeling about that, than the hell of the nightmare of regular contact with my sister.  If it is clear you are not stepping in, then the boyfriend and your sister will have to sort something else out - and trust me - they will.  If you really think there is a danger that she may turn up on your doorstep with her suitcases, have the number of a hostel ready, or something like that.  Don't let her back in your house - you will never get rid of her.  Good luck! 

Tell the doctor you can not provide your home, and why. She has a very specific history that the doctor may not be aware of.

It is all up to you, however, have you considered that you do not even need to make yourself available to either the doctor or her BF to discuss this?

You can remove yourself out of this process now... .if you want.

It sounds to me that you are saying that even the calls are stressful to you.

Please take care of yourself first, without guilt.

As others around here have said, put on your oxygen mask first!  Otherwise, you are no good to anyone in your family, including your H and sons who don't want this.

You already have a full plate.

It sounds as if you have already live through a lifetime of fear, obligation, and guilt.  Please think about what you want.  If you had no FOG at all to consider and guide you... .if you could emotionally behave "selfish" this ONE time... .what do YOU want?



Ps  .  I have a sis with uBPD. I became her trigger.  She had persecution delusions towards me, this did not work for me.

I agree tell the doctor you have your own family, are supporting your 90 year old parents, and you are not able to care for your mentally ill sister during her surgical recovery.  

I'm sure there are other resources available to your sister out there.   There are many people out there with no family to care for them what do they do?  :)o they skip their surgery I doubt it, the doctor's office makes other arrangements... .like home care or a skilled nursing facility or postpone the surgery to a better time etc.

Set your boundary with everyone... .sister, doctor and anyone else she uses to guilt you... .the answer is No!

I know it's hard for we "rescuer" types to put ourselves first we always feel like we're being selfish, but we're not it's really about caring for ourselves.  If you take on your sister what happens to you? Then by extension what happens to your family and your parents?  You do enough for everyone, your sister is an adult she needs to figure it out herself.

Thank you for all your help. I know what everyone is saying is true. I'm going to begin today by deleting all her senseless emails and saved ranting phone messages. I believe those are some of the triggers. I will respond to her doctor and boyfriend in a short and hopefully to the point email, pulling myself out of her equation. I don't want to send her an email, I believe it will make things worse, but I will block her number. I think 57 years has been long enough. Again, thank you so much. This group has given me some strength and sanity.

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