BPDFamily.com

It's been 3 months now that we've parted and he's now in a full relationship with the women he has been having an affair with, who lives a minute away from me. I feel so lonely I have no family and my friends are few and don't live close by. I keep going over the hurt and don't seem to be forgetting. I was with him for 6 years and 5 with no sexual contact but he was getting his. I feel like I'm being punished for something but I don't know whAt it is. I don't want feel this was any more and I can't stand the thought that I'm left behind with all this hurt and he's having a great time. He was having an affair for 18 months with this woman and they both treated me cruelly. I caught them a year ago, she wS giving him a blowjob outside her house and even though he said he wanted to work things out with me they carried on the very next day ! She told me this ! I didn't recognize her in the pub after this ( it was nite time and she had a hat and big coat in the pub ) and they both engaged me in conversation in the pub like they were casual friends. This I'm finding hard to get over as this I find highly cruel. I know I need to move on with my life like he is but I feel trapped ! Is 3 months too soon to expect to be free of a 6 months relationship ? Will I ever stop feeling trapped especially as she lives a minute from me and I know he's round hers most nights and I know every where I go where I live they have been while he was living with me. Please help me sort my head out !

I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely, mayjar.  I know how awful that feels.  Please know we're here for you.  We understand what you're dealing with.  We know it's miserable.

It hurts so much to be discarded and made to feel like we aren't good enough.  Please know, however, that this is not your fault and it's not because of anything you did or didn't do.  This isn't because you aren't good enough.  This is a direct result of BPD.  pwBPD push away the people they love.  They do this because emotional intimacy is extremely triggering for them.  Being so close to someone is terrifying to pwBPD because it means that they may lose it - and deep down they are convinced that they always will lose it.  Because deep down they feel so worthless and so broken that they are convinced no one could ever truly love them.  So, they are hypervigilent for any sign of abandonment, and are even quite capable of imagining it where it doesn't exist.  That is how powerful the fear of abandonment is to them.  pwBPD also experience a fear of engulfment which is a bit more difficult to understand.  Engulfment is a result of the failure to fully develop an autonomous "self", which is at the very root of the disorder.  It is a feeling that they are being swallowed up by their partner due to the degree of fusing with their partners self.  This triggers annihilation fears, which causes them to push away.  So, you see this push/pull dynamic as the pwBPD oscillates between the fear of engulfment and the fear of abandonment.  Eventually, these swings and the overall emotional dysregulation triggered by the emotional intimacy becomes so great that the pwBPD often runs from the relationship.  Since, they depend on attachments for a sense of self, they often quickly find someone else to attach to.  That's likely what happened in the case of your ex.

The take away from all of this, is that it is not your fault.  You did not cause this in any way.  This existed long, long before you ever met your ex.  It was something that happened to him in very early childhood.  This isn't his fault, but it's not yours either.  No matter how wonderful of a partner you were, and chances are you were wonderful, his profound fears were bound to be triggered at some point due to the intimacy.  And the greater the intimacy the greater the trigger.  This is a cycle that your ex will repeat over and over unless and until her can face his disorder and manage to complete the development of an autonomous self.  It is not something that you can do for him, and it's not your fault.  Please know that.

Three months is a very short amount of time.  It's perfectly natural to be so affected at this point.  I am going on a year and a half and it was only around the one year mark that I started to feel like acceptance was sinking in.  It's easy to underestimate just how deeply this breakup has affected us.  The bond that was formed was deeply loaded and it may have even triggered some very old wounds in us too.  That's often the case here.  So, please know that it's not you.  This is normal.  And it's not your fault.   

The best thing to do right now is to take good care of you.  Are you doing anything good just for yourself?  If not, you should.  You deserve it.  It's important that we nurture ourselves right now.  Try and eat right, get enough sleep, get some exercise, get out of the house.  Little things that help us to start feeling better.

Hang in there.  I can promise you that things do get easier.  And we're all here for you.  You're not alone.   |iiii

Thank you for replying ! I'm crying as I read your reply. I try to exercise and go out for runs. This helps momentarily as I've lost weight and body looks better but inside I'm hollow and I feel pain. I wonder what he sees in her and not me ( I know this is wrong ! ) I can't stop feeling I'm worthless in a way I have a condition that people don't except easily and I thought he did ( he told me it didn't matter to him ! ) so now I'm left with those feelings too ! I guess that's why I held on for so long ! I kind of felt bless to have someone who wanted me in spite of my condition ( I have been healthy with no health concerns ! My meds work for me thank god ! ) which is why I find it so hard that he would treat me this way. I feel very guarded about it as I don't want people to judge me ! Our work patterns meant that he was alone for a few days in our relationship and I think now this contributed to him moving away from me !. I've been bad in monitoring his emails and text messages on my iPad he know now  ( stop doing this now !) I have felt I'm going crazy and it hurts that he hates me but I don't know why or when it started

I'm starting to think that life really sucks and that no one will ever want me again ! I've been through so much hardship and feel so stupid and humiliated to have let this happen to me. To let 5 years pass with no sexual contact and all the while he was going else where. It's destroyed my confidence and self esteem. He has problems with ED and I know he's using herbal Viagra with her like he was with me in the beginning. I can't help feeling why he didn't use them with me.  If I didn't catch him with her again  he would still be living with me.  This is hard to understand as well as I can't understand why he stayed with me, even talk of buying a house and even suggesting that we look at the plot ! Total headf##k !

The worst part is the loneliness... .When I broke up with my ex before my BPD ex I literally didnt have one person in my life to lean on... .luckily this time around I have had friends who have been very supportive and have done there best to keep me busy... .I understand that feeling of completely being alone and im sorry for that... .you need to force yourself to stay as busy as possible and get out there and try and make some new friends... .it makes all the difference in the world.

Yeah the loneliness really does hurt ! I know he's a minute away with her around the corner. The evenings are especially bad when the thoughts creep in. I feel bad about myself and feel that Theres nothing to look forward to as I'm 47 and the relationship pool is a great deal smaller than when I met him at 41 ! Plus I have this emotional baggage now as how do I trust again

First let me say that you are a wonderful strong person. You need to hear these things from yourself everyday when you look in the mirror. Try to say a little mantra every morning when you wake up. You need to rebuild your self esteem. I had mine broken down as well. It is a long road back but you can do it. Keep it up with the exercise. That will help with the recovery.

Don't lose hope with the dating thing. Get back out there and meet some new people. Try not to isolate yourself. When you are alone you will have way too much time to ruminate on bad things. You literally have to retrain your mind. When I go running I like to put in some music that has a meditative quality to it (lookup binaural soundwaves). Look for local events, maybe go to some online dating sites. If you are religious try going to your church. Anything you can do to get help right now is a must. DO NOT GIVE UP!

Try keeping a journal to express your emotions. I have one and it helps me to get those negative thoughts out of my head and leave them on the paper.

I also think that you should leave the emails and checking up on him alone. You already know he is a cheater and a liar. Trying to find out more is just going to hurt you. Believe me I know that first hand. Going no contact or limited contact is a must. If you see either of them out just "ghost" them, pretend they aren't even there. If asked to talk either ignore them or keep the answers short. The lack of attention will have two effects. It will limit how much they can hurt you and let you find some peace. The second is that it will drive the ex crazy knowing that he messed up and it will loosen his control over you.

With enough time you will start to feel better and when you least expect it someone amazing will come your way. Karma works like that.

Chin up and eyes open! You got this!

Your reply has made me start crying again as your words are kind ! I have stopped checking emails and messages as I know these hurt me ! I know it was wrong but I feel like a crazy woman and without digging I wouldn't have known the extent of of the lying cheating and deceit. Even though I'm 47 this was the first time I lived with someone so the bu feels great. Yes I do know that he is a liar and a cheat ( he even said he was when he was feeling sorry for himself... .he was drunk and they had a argument plus his free session for therapy had come to an end ) I don't want him back ever ! Just don't understand why he just didn't leave and instead stayed in my home whilst doing all this ! To go to these lengths to lie and deceive me when he wasn't being intimate with me. Makes me feel so gullible and stupid. I've lost myself and want to find me again

I understand, Mayjar.  I think anyone would feel unwanted and unattractive after going through similar.  Just remember that this isn't you.  It's not because you aren't good enough.  In fact, it may very well be because you meant so much to your ex.  If he hadn't become so emotionally close to you, he never would have been triggered.  You are loveable.  The disorder would have never been triggered otherwise.  That's the truth.  This is not in any way because you aren't good enough.

Anyone would also feel betrayed and angry.  Infidelity is a terrible betrayal and it causes tremendous damage.  It's perfectly natural to be so affected by that.  Many members here can relate.  It will take some time to work though that.  It's ok if you don't feel ready to date again while you process all of this.  That's normal when we have been so devastated.  There's no rush.

One other thing that you could do is to see a therapist.  That helped me so much with my breakup and healing.  It helps to have someone that can empathize and understand, but also guide us in self examination.  There may be some very old and deep wounds that need to be address besides these very fresh wounds with your ex.  If it's possible to see a therapist, I would highly recommend it to anyone here.

Hang in there, Mayjar.  Better days are ahead.  There is indeed life after this.  It may be hard to see right now, and I know exactly how that is.  The first few months it felt like I would never get over my ex.  But take faith that this will end.  You will feel better and life will go on.  There are brighter horizons ahead.