BPDFamily.com

OK, so having been on here (more in the beginning, less now) for some time, things have improved with the uBPDh.  Less drama, he is more controlled and much less raging, and I have learnt how to behave better myself as well.

But on bad days (I have just discovered that if I'm PMS-ing then every tool I've learn seem to just go out the door), I have a serious case of  my-issues.  I get easily irritated by the critical things he says of me (which is often, but on better days I have learnt to just let it pass), I hop on that emotional roller coaster with him.

So my question is, how do you get rid of the fleas?  I mean, not just knowing the tools, but practically how do you not get affected by a pwBPD on your bad days?

Acceptance of yourself and that sometimes you are going blow it.

How much does it matter in the long run? Does it compound and make things worse or does it all just blow over without lingering damage.

There are times i just don't try, let the drama happen, shake it off and move on. My guard is probably down as I am less afraid of the consequences.

It's not so much "afraid"... .I'm not really afraid now (a 180 from what I was when I first got here), but more like I don't want him to have an excuse and say I'm dramatic or whatever.

Of course, even without those sporadic episodes he would still bring things up when he's acting out, so I suppose it doesn't have so much "lingering damage", as you put it.  I also suppose if I had stood my ground, behaved fine with all the tools, then on the inside I can congratulate myself on a job well done even though he may not think so (he never does, of course).  But if I had lost my temper, then it's like what he says about me would then be valid... .that I had brought his harsh words on myself... .

Does this matter occasionally? We are allowed to be at fault and to blame. That is part of being allowed to be imperfect.

Not being afraid is what is taking you off hyper alert mode. I screw up all the time in all areas of my life, I accept that, and its part of the rough and tumble of life.

Fleas are not a real issue if you are aware of them. It is only when you take them up and can't see the behavior.

If you set yourself up as being blameless then that can set up an "I can never be like you" insecurity in your partner.

If you mess up own it, and you can even use it as an example to them as to the dynamics of inappropriate behavior, without it being them used as an example.

The other question is whether it really is fleas or just normal human reactions, except now you can identify this as the seed the pwBPD germinate into over the top dysfunctional levels.

1) Acceptance of yourself as waverider said goes a long way

2) Managing distance - seeking space - signaling need for space

3) Signaling e.g. through open self validation ("I'm grumpy today" that today is maybe not the best day to get on your bad side.

There are  my-issues and then there is being a human. A lot of the BPD behavior is very, very human - just out of place, at the wrong times and out of proportion. In some sense pwBPD are "super human"  :).

One of the things you may want to reflect is really the acceptance of your fallibility. The reason I stress this so much is that working like you did so long on this board, focusing on your partner has build up a tremendous ability to quickly identify and judge behavior and react in sensible ways. This externally focused judgment was a useful skill to acquire but judgment often cuts both ways and may at the moment undermine your self acceptance.

Reflect on where and how you are cutting yourself some slack  

Ugh, I hate to admit this, but PMS is real, at least to me. Beyond being human, it's being a woman! Most men don't realize the P stands for "Pre" - it doesn't always happen during, but a few days or a week before. I know women don't like this used against us - we are blamed for being "hysterical" or upset even if we have a right to be. It's how badly we can react when the hormones are raging that determines whether our hysteria is really justified, or plain unreasonable.

PMS can make me an emotional volcano. During those times, I'm no different from my BPDbf. A step further than acceptance of this was conveying it to him. To my surprise he "got it". He's even given me a free pass to have a few bad days.  :) Now he'll ask. If I am experiencing PMS-related moodiness, I don't deny it and ask for his patience. I'm no longer offended by the question, but find it a useful tool. If I'm still upset with him about something legit, at least I'm in a better place to start remembering the other tools.

We forget that pwBPD, more than most, understand all too well how awful emotional spirals feel. If they are aware of this ahead of time and know it's only temporary, they may surprise you with their level of understanding. Mine has no NPD traits so he has a great deal of empathy. I'm grateful for the generosity he has extended to me during those times and glad I finally shared this with him. It's really helped him in difficult moments to keep his emotions somewhat in check for my sake so things don't escalate.