BPDFamily.com

So it's almost a month since "recycle" 3 began,  though I am coming to loathe that term.

Our relationship is stronger than ever,  I think in large part it's down to my self work, I look at our relationship, and relationships in general different now.

My BPDgf is coping well, we have a system now called good day/bad day so she will text me if she is feeling good or bad.  We also are working on cutting down on the clingeyness and stuff. She for the first couple of weeks was totally glued to me but admitted she needs to learn to have her own strength rather than relying on me for everything,  which is superb.

Obviously the challenges will become more difficult down the road but for now everything is going very well, we are both very happy. She is taking me out to the movies tonight.

I'm continuing to focus on myself and clearing out the last of my weak, needy behaviors which were totally counterproductive to us, she keeps saying she's happy and proud of me and she wants to be as strong as I am.  

One of the things that is striking me is how much people on this site blame actual normal behaviors on their partner being BPD, when in actual fact it's just their partner responding to bad behavior in the non. Most of us are or were codependent and were hindering our own relationships, BPD are fragile, are weak, it takes a strong healthy non to stand any chance,  because when the difficult times hit,  the non is going to have to take the strain

weak needy codependents have NO chance. They come apart if their BPD has trouble keeping it together and what follows is a mess and they end up on the leaving board in ruins.

Will update here and there,  I don't really rely on this site anymore but I like to stop by

Thanks for the update Infern0, I'm happy for you that your relationship is working out for you both. |iiii

What stood out for me was the part about 'weak needy codependents', it had resonance for me in it took me a while to get my act together and withdraw and stop feeding the chaos. My marriage nearly fell apart because of my response to my husbands dBPD. It took me about two years to get myself together, and whilst BPD still ravages on, our marriage is heaps better, and so I am.

I'm glad you stopped by.

Will update here and there,  I don't really rely on this site anymore but I like to stop by

Please do. It is good to get updated on how relationships are doing.

However, I have said it before and will say it again. Don't burn your bridges here. There's more to this than weak needy co-dependents, albeit co-dependency is a big part of the equation.

Three months is good progress, but you are barely into this. Enjoy yourself where you are at now, but consider that you just might not be in the best place to pass judgement on people in long term relationships, raising children, and encountering other challenges beyond what you are dealing with.

My thought is that in any relationship, at times where our partner is weak, or has weak traits, being strong in those areas is helpful and can make things very functional and work well.

However, I see it as going both ways.

If a BPD person is being "needy" then having strength from the SO can help greatly.  (With the understanding that strength can mean just not reacting vs coddling)

So if a coD is being "needy", then wouldn't it also be true that they may benefit from another with that strength as well? 

Does this dynamic mean a coD is a less desirable than a pwBPD? Or vice versa?

I think that it is likely true that... .

Whether we a talking about a "weak" coD or a "needy" pwBPD... .

Whenever a person is competing to get needs met with another and the other just doesn't have that to give at that moment, or all all... .The result is often disappointment.

It sounds like you are saying that you resolved this area of conflict in your r/s by not being needy in ways that over challenged your pwBPD to meet.

We ALL (coD or BPD) can change our expectations.  We can learn to not get that need from a person who is not available to give it.  We can learn to get it elsewhere.  We decide to change our desire and realize we do not actually "need" something we previously thought was essential.  We can change our perceptions.

You sound content that you have chosen to pick a dynamic where you get to be the strong one. And you feel that this is now working. 

I'd just like to point out that it is the same dynamic if you chose to pick a different partner that had strengths where you have weaknesses.  The roles would just be reversed.

(I'm not sure if my meaning came across... .hard to articulate this)

(It sounds like you eliminated the competition for needs in the r/s.  You did it one way... .  )