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I was with my undiagnosed boyfriend about 14 months. Over the past 7 we have been very up and down and going round in circles. Recently we had a big argument and now I am pretty sure it is over permanently. I tell him im not feeling good, he ignores me and changes the subject, when I challenge him on his lack of care he accuses me of cheating on him the night before. I explain i wad with my friends and even called him that evening. He said i only called to check in before being with men. He tells me all I do is moan and to talk to someone else and give him a break. Really hurt at this point i block him from my facebook. I then recieve messages from him immediatly telling me he is going on a dating site. I tell him i dont want to contact me and block his calls. He sends me a message asking me to come over for dinner. When I dont reply he accuses me of cheating again and says he will be inviting his ex to his family event on saturday if i dont go and how she would make him proud. He tells me im self centred when i dont reply to his messages, says if i dont answer his calls its because i am with a guy, says i sleep with someone new every week, i remind him i have slept with 3 people in my life and he just responds with 'lol'. He tells me his family think I have problems and issues and why should he be nice when apparently all i do is act like a ****. I literally cry and tell him to stop being horrible and he laughs and says i have no reason to cry and im crying out of guilt. Out of frustration i tell him I dont love him anymore and i hate him. He hung up and havent heard a word from him since... .I feel like it is too good to be true to be gone?

Sorry for the rant. I am very confused at the moment. I decide I can no longer be with someone who is so horrible and makes so many emotional blackmail threats etc... .then today I wake up missing him and feeling guilty and wanting to apologise... .when really all I did was stick up for myself and challenged him. I feel a mess  I don't know how to get through this... .I think i am going crazy myself.

So sorry to hear you had to deal with that. That sounds incredibly painful and chaotic.

You're completely within your rights to feel that his behavior toward you is unacceptable in the context of a relationship. Only you can decide if you're truly ready to be out of this relationship, but what you described does not sound healthy.

I can tell you that the mix of emotions you're feeling right now sounds very familiar, and it resonates with my own experience. You feel anger because you sense you're being treated unfairly, and the next moment you feel an incredibly strong pull to go back to that person. That's perfectly normal at least in my experience. It isn't black and white. There are obviously aspects of this person that drew you to them. But now you're increasingly confront aspects you don't know if you can live with, and you certainly don't think you deserve.

Talk to your friends. Discuss what you've experienced and ask them their opinion... .Ask them if its normal, healthy, what you deserve. If you decide to end the relationship, I would advise getting to a place as soon as possible where you and your ex have A LOT of space.

Oh Klacey, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this, it sounds just awful.

In fact, I know it is just awful, because so many of the things that you've said sound exactly like my experience over the past year (ie half our actual relationship).

I've been accused of sleeping with so so so many different people, sometimes general nameless people, but more often actual people that I've come into contact with - a shop assistant, my daughter's friend's mother's neighbour, that  kind of thing. And all 3 of my exes, who, despite the fact they live in different countries, I regularly meet up with apparently. And she always has Proof. (not that I ever get to see this Proof). And then I refuse to accept responsibility for it, which just adds to my guilt.

And each time, after I've defended myself (ignored, of course I'm lying), and blocked her barrage of increasingly vile texts and calls until the next morning  - she dumps me because I'm such an awful person, ( and only blocked the calls to call the person I was having sex with) and my first reaction is Yes, leave me, I can't bear this. And then... .I start thinking about how much worse it must be for her to genuinely believe that the person you love is doing that to you... .and I want so much to make it all ok, so I apologise for my part in the argument and then I'm accepted back, and it's ok until the next time I have to interact with another human being, and so it goes on... .

I know it's not for me to give advice, but my experience is that this happened to me probably 50 times in 6 months. And each time I let it go, accepted that she didnt really think it after she'd calmed down, that it was her fear of abandonment, poor her etc etc... .

BUT it gradually started to really get to me, and I got more and more resentful at how I had to shut down my world to try and avoid triggering it, and still that didn't work ( I have to go to the shop and work)... .and eventually I started fighting back, and getting angry. And saying I wouldn't put up with  it any more, and starting to go out with a friend once in a while (live a semi-normal life) and putting boundaries in place (ie if you say those things to me, I will not just accept that is ok but will challenge you)... .and all that happened was that her fears of abandonment got a million times worse, my new behaviour just proved everything she knew about  me being such a whore, and she's now told everyone all about my affairs, and I am painted black as night... .And still I've tried and tried to make it ok, but things have just got so much worse.

I think I've been a bit long winded, sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is that

-- If you decide to stay, I think you have to accept that this is the way it'll be - the person you love thinking that you sleep with other people, you can do all the validating you want, and accept it's his BPD etc - but is this what you want? (To me, I can't quite find a word to describe how distressing it is to think someone thinks those things about me, no matter how much I can rationalise it comes from disordered thinking)

--It is my experience that if you try at some point to put boundaries in place and say it's not acceptable to say those things about you any more, that things will only get worse - again, is this what you want?

--Again, my experience suggests that it is likely you'll feel the need to close your world down to avoid such accusations - do you want to do this? Especially as you'll probably never close it down quite enough.

I don't know, Klacey, clearly I'm still in the thick of it and struggling like crazy to make sense of my confused feelings (day 2 of NC and feeling like ... .) but what I do know for absolute sure is that if, 6 months ago when I first said I'd had enough and wasn't going to put up with the accusations any more, if I'd really not put up with it and walked away then- for absolute certain I'd be feeling a whole lot better by now than I do tonight.

Good luck with it all... .be strong!  

Don't waste your tears on him. Bpd's are selfish by nature and don't respond to our pain. They relish making themselves look like the victim so that means they will ignore the actual victim. You are too special, bright, and beautiful to let him get to you. Dry your eyes and hold your head up high. The only real damage they can do is what you let them do. Go full on NC and let the healing begin. Keep a journal. Don't be alone for long periods of time because that will allow you to think about him. Surround yourself with the people that love you. You need to find the peace in yourself that will allow you to heal and believe me it is there. Try reading some success stories on here and don't be afraid to comment on others posts. Finding people that can relate to your situation can help relieve some of the burden and help with the healing.

Klacey I was where you are back In mid Feb. March was a very painful month, but thanks to this place and support of many I am out over 120 days since I last saw my BPDx and about 90 days N/C. Unfortunately there's no magic bullet here. For now, just take it one day at a time and stay N/C. Before you know it you will start to feel much better. I finally went on anti-depressants after about 80 days and probably waited too long. Not for everyone, but if you find that you are in too deep of a pit of sadness please see your Dr or a Therapist.

My Best to you.

Hello. Thanks for the reply. Glad I am not the only one going through this. This morning he said he bad thoughts yesterday of harming himself because he thought i didnt love him anymore and this is apparently really painful for him and he thought he couldnt bare not to be with me. He didnt do anything though as he said it would have been pathetic to react in that way but did cross his mind... .part of me wonders whether he meant it or it was a manipulation... .either way I do feel guilty. I feel very guilty that his bordering behaviour has been getting worse. I get so wound up with him that i keep threatening to leavd which i feel guilty for as he is borderline which makes him act out... .

I feel so lost. My friends and family think its crazy and how i deserve so much better than him when they hear the stories... .does it ever get better? Does time and age help them? I love him but sometimes I wonder whether to tell him i dont love him and that way he would move on.

We have been arguing for months and keep going round in circles. He told me yesterday morning he cant bare the thought of not being with me and even had 'bad thoughts' this is the first time he has ever expressed that he has contemplated harming himself... .he told me would do anything I want. It is very sad  and also frustrating as he has said he will do anything many times and he never does.

By evening I was painter black again. He offered to change his display picture to one of me and him to prove that he loves me... .as if that is going to eliminate all the threats and comments he has made about his ex and other girls if i dont see him. He told me he doesn't understand the way I think and all I do is give him **** and treat him like he has done something wrong when he hasn't. He asked how I felt about him and I told him I was confused, he told me to **** myself and that I am sick.

My friends and family think he is nuts by the storied I tell them they say I can do so much better than someone who is verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative.

I feel guilt because I think he has got worse over the last 6 months. I feel sorry for him as I know he can't help the way he thinks and being so emotionally intense. But at the same time I have come to the end of my tether and can't take any more accusations of cheating, threats to meet his ex if I am too upset with him to see him, telling me I should be ashamed of myself or  am cheating on him when I dont answer his calls, when i cry telling me im only crying out of guilt, telling me i am controlling for encouraging him to get a proper job and seeing me more often.

Does BPD get better with him?

I try to end it so many times but I always end up back with him. What is the best way to leave? I want him to understand that his behaviour had caused me to want to move on... .or maybe its best to lie and pretend i dont have feelings for him anymore. At least that way he would know there is no point in trying to get me back as he could never be with me if i dont have feelings.

Thanks. This is helpful.