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I ran across this question earlier today on a blog.  It got me thinking about my biggest fear and how it played into me getting involved with a BPD woman.

I have been thinking about this for a couple of hours now and it dawned upon me, I am afraid to be myself!  I fell prey to BPD because it was easier to live for and please someone else than to take chances and be myself!

It's as simple as that!

What is your biggest fear and how did it influence your relationship with your BPD?

Me too work in progress... .me too.  I am Afraid that to be myself.  That she isn't worthy somehow... .

Powerful stuff I need to think about much more

Well, I wasn't worthy in my parent's eyes.  No matter what I did it wasn't good enough.  They told me I was too nice and so forth.  So, I was taught that who I really was, wasn't good enough.

I had inner promptings and desires to pursue things both academically and career wise, but, that would have involved taking chances and going against the grain in my family.  So, instead, it was easier to live in my crappy home town, attend college here,  fall in love and work the 9-5 routine.

I am the one who truly paid the price for my own betrayal.  I truly believe that if I would have followed my dreams, that even if I would have failed, at least I may have been a little happy.

I hope this makes sense.

It makes absolutely perfect sense to me as I experienced the same.  Never good enough.  Period. 

Right now I am working on trying to go against that grain too... .at 42!  I am a nurse.  I am a good nurse but it's not what I crave to do.  I am 3 classes shy of a higher degree,  but I am stopping this year I think.  In fact I think I am stopping nursing altogether.   

Everyone expects me to finish.  It's the practical thing to do of course. To get a higher paid nursing job.  Probably stuck behind a desk somewhere working 9-5.

But I am stopping. I am not going back to school.  It is not what I want.  My heart is not there. 

I am also a photographer.  I absolutely adore photography.  It speaks to my soul.  It makes me happy.  Tonight I am contemplating just going for it.   It's not stable... .it certainly isn't secure. But yet i feel lead there.  It's certainly not what anyone expects, the PRACTICAL.  RESPONSIBLE. Thing would be at the very least to continue my nursing career... .  But yet I want to do what makes me happy.

So I am considering going to do my photography full time   It's past time follow my dreams perhaps... .

Workinprogress - Me too. I was afraid to be me and so I joined with my ex and lived life through him.  A poor choice for him and for me. No-one should have to carry some-one else's life. "I am the one who truly paid the price for my own betrayal." Nicely put. It is scary being by myself but liberating all the same, finding out who I am. I find myself slowly being more true to me, finding strength in just being me.

Allmessedup - go for it. It takes courage to follow your dreams and I admire so much those that so. I'm not there yet but maybe one day ... .

In line with this thinking... .

Looking at myself

I help others, this distracts me from focusing on my own issues.

You are afraid of being yourself could be the same as you are frightened of your own power.

My world, as it was so controlled by her, who we saw down to what I ate, was controlled by her. My life became small, my world became tiny, whenever I sought to break out of that, see friends, start a business, she would fly into a rage. When your world is small and you don't believe in your power you are perfect for a BPD. They fear abandonment so they engineer a situation whereby you fear a life outside them and what power that might bring. And we let them.

There was a certain amount of willing naivity on my part. She took away all my choices and big dreams and I co-opted her dreams, if was enmeshed. One small problem, I didn't like this world. It was a world where I got no say, and became more and more isolated, I sought her validation and it rarely came, and it never came two days in a row! They have a mental illness, get enmeshed with that and you wind up here eventually.

I'm no longer looking for someone to become enmeshed with or make my decisions. But what am I afraid of? Nothing anymore. Once you take back and own your own power to do anything and step out of small world thinking, even if something did go 'wrong' I believe it was sent to help me grow and get to point A.

Nicely put.  I can totally relate to all of this.

Great responses everyone... .

Sunflower:  I do this too.  This helping people to escape dealing with my own issues!

Trog: what u said was very nicely put.  I co-opted my ex dxBPDgf dreams hugely.  She shrunk my world.  I didn't like this new world at all!  Very powerful things to think about!

This is the blog page that stirred my mind a bit on this.  It is from a fitness blog I like to read and is kind of lengthy so I only included a few items.  The article is about being a Alpha Male, but in reality, this could apply to anyone who wishes to improve their lives.

www.chadhowsefitness.com/2013/05/the-21-steps-to-becoming-an-alpha-male (http://www.chadhowsefitness.com/2013/05/the-21-steps-to-becoming-an-alpha-male)

1. Be Real With Yourself.

Self awareness is a quality held by few – very few. There aren’t many who can see their deepest failures and weaknesses, and have the courage to work on them. There are even fewer that have the courage not to cover them up, or to fill the voids in their lives with quick fixes.

Quick fixes are the norm in today’s society, but they can’t exist in the life of an alpha male. He doesn’t fill his loneliness with drugs or porn. He doesn’t fill his insecurities by making fun of others and preying on the perceived weaknesses of others. He’s aware of the voids in his life, the emptiness, the longing for something greater, and he actively attempts to become a better person by making these his strengths.

Be real with yourself. What are your insecurities? Make them known. Say them out loud. That’s the first step in becoming a strong, courageous alpha male.

2. Do Your Thing.

The more I read about great leaders, and by correlation, great alpha males, I realize that they marched to the beat of their own drum. They had their own agenda in life. They had their own principles, passions, and they wouldn’t let others pull them from their mission.

This is not only a defining quality of a great leader, and a great man, but of an alpha male. A true alpha male doesn’t need a crowd to boost his ego. He’s self aware to the point that he knows his weaknesses, his misgivings, and he doesn’t need others to fill voids in his life.

Create your own path in life. Find what you’re passionate about, make sure it benefits others, and don’t let any barrier stand in your way. It’s when w have the internal strength to do our own thing, we can become a leader, and an alpha.

3. Seek to Do That Which You Fear.

I never get into arguments on Facebook, or Youtube, or the blog. To me, it’s just a waste of time. But the other day I did get in an argument with someone who scolded me for encouraging a young guy in a fight he said he had to go through with the following day.

Fact: the only way to defeat a bully is to stand strong, firm, and fight him. Avoiding him, her, it, will lead you to a life of weakness. Sometimes we have to walk into a battle knowing that we’re probably going to get our ass kicked, and take that beating like a man to earn the respect of not only our peers, but ourselves.

If my son is being bullied, I’ll tell him to stand and fight, just like my Old Man told me when I was younger. And guess what, I fought a bully once, and never had to fight anyone bullying me again.

Don’t merely do the things you’re afraid of, get in touch with your soul, and seek out that which you fear, then conquer it head on. For some, that might be fighting a bully, for others, that may mean quitting your job and starting your company. Others might have to travel.

You know what you’re afraid of. An alpha male doesn’t merely wait for an opportunity to face his fear; he understands that it’s the fight, the battle, that strengthens him, and times of calm, of peace, that weaken him.

I highly recommend visiting the site and reading all 21 suggestions, the suggestions are very sound for a good foundation in life.

I'm right there with you. Its good to hear a point of view that reflects the positive side of mine. Cheers!