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Title: The times when it all feels surreal... Post by: Hadlee on May 31, 2015, 02:52:38 AM I seem to be going through another phase of disbelief. This comes after seeing my exBPD BFF last week with her shiny toy. They were dressed pretty much the same and walked in unison - it was like seeing a mirror image. Witnessing it actually shocked me. What's interesting about this is her shiny toy is a male! She's always been a tom boy in looks and interests, but started becoming a bit feminine when her and I were close (I am a real girly girl lol ). Now... .she's become full tom boy. She is literally one of the boys. I see so clearly why everyone suspects she is gay. There was also a real :light: moment for me as to why I didn't fully realize her attraction/feelings for me for some time - she was mirroring back to me, a straight woman, which is exactly what I am. The fact she was also in a long term relationship with a man (they have since split up) at the time helped me dismiss any gut feeling I had about her intentions.
I'm cycling back and forth from seeing she is clearly disordered to then hoping that the great friend she was (Well... .I thought she was ) in the beginning would reappear. Yet I'm so relieved to no longer be a part of her chaos. I understand this is no longer about her - I chose to walk away from the friendship in order to focus on me and my life. And rid myself of the chaos. However, I'm finding myself focusing on her behavior at the moment. It doesn't help that we work for the same company and our paths do cross. I suppose her recent cold/indifferent attitude towards me after being warm and idealizing for a couple of days has affected me more than I would like it to have. It's one thing to read up on how pwBPD behave and prepare for it, but it's another thing to have that behavior play out in front of your very own eyes. It feels quite surreal. For now, all I can do is to continue to distance myself from her and her work area, and turn the focus back on me and my life. I really look forward to the day when I feel absolutely nothing if I see her or hear her name mentioned :) Wishing peace and happiness to all those struggling at the moment Title: Re: The times when it all feels surreal... Post by: DyingLove on May 31, 2015, 09:21:50 AM I seem to be going through another phase of disbelief. This comes after seeing my exBPD BFF last week with her shiny toy. They were dressed pretty much the same and walked in unison - it was like seeing a mirror image. Witnessing it actually shocked me. What's interesting about this is her shiny toy is a male! She's always been a tom boy in looks and interests, but started becoming a bit feminine when her and I were close (I am a real girly girl lol ). Now... .she's become full tom boy. She is literally one of the boys. I see so clearly why everyone suspects she is gay. There was also a real :light: moment for me as to why I didn't fully realize her attraction/feelings for me for some time - she was mirroring back to me, a straight woman, which is exactly what I am. The fact she was also in a long term relationship with a man (they have since split up) at the time helped me dismiss any gut feeling I had about her intentions. I'm cycling back and forth from seeing she is clearly disordered to then hoping that the great friend she was (Well... .I thought she was ) in the beginning would reappear. Yet I'm so relieved to no longer be a part of her chaos. I understand this is no longer about her - I chose to walk away from the friendship in order to focus on me and my life. And rid myself of the chaos. However, I'm finding myself focusing on her behavior at the moment. It doesn't help that we work for the same company and our paths do cross. I suppose her recent cold/indifferent attitude towards me after being warm and idealizing for a couple of days has affected me more than I would like it to have. It's one thing to read up on how pwBPD behave and prepare for it, but it's another thing to have that behavior play out in front of your very own eyes. It feels quite surreal. For now, all I can do is to continue to distance myself from her and her work area, and turn the focus back on me and my life. I really look forward to the day when I feel absolutely nothing if I see her or hear her name mentioned :) Wishing peace and happiness to all those struggling at the moment Thank you Hadlee for your well wishes and hugs. Surreal, that is a good word, I think I have that too. We just can't believe this is happening to us... .and we can't believe why! I had a good dose of that yesterday from the moment I woke up. It's certainly a confusing situation going from wishing the bad dream would end and things would be normal, to feeling happy and relieved to be out the door (so to speak). I think we all share that or have felt that way at one time or another. It's still plaguing me for certain. Peace to you as well as a wonderful Sunday! Title: Re: The times when it all feels surreal... Post by: Hadlee on May 31, 2015, 10:01:22 AM DyingLove - sorry you are going through this too.
If we can take one positive out of all of this is that we have each other on here :) Hope you have a wonderful Sunday as well *) Title: Re: The times when it all feels surreal... Post by: DyingLove on May 31, 2015, 10:46:49 AM DyingLove - sorry you are going through this too. If we can take one positive out of all of this is that we have each other on here :) Hope you have a wonderful Sunday as well *) Thank you Hadlee. Yep, we've got one another here, and most of the people on her are dedicated to helping others with their years and tears of experience and love. I'm fortunate also. How many times they have held my hand, lots. |