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I think after months of arguments and going round in circles and realisation that it won't get better because of BPD, I know I have to leave. The thought of it is unbearable.

The guilt is horrific. I keep imagining how he must feel and worried about where his life will end up. He told me he had bad thoughts with the idea he could never be with me again. It makes me cry thinking about it. I feel guilty that he can't help the way he is and is hurting so much himself. I feel guilty that it didn't work and its my fault that it isn't all fun and happy. I know he certainly blames me. How can I ignore someone who is telling me they are having thoights of ending their life without me? It just feels heartless. I feel like if I did things differently it would have worked out. He seemed to be happier with his exs. Whether thats because he used to say things about them for a reaction from me I don't know.

I feel like I deserve to be punished for all of this? Are all of these things common? How long am I going to feel like this?

Here's what I TELL myself... .if a person is so unstable they will kill themselves just because someone leaves, then I don't need that unstable of a person in my life.  That person needs more help than just my presence can give them.

Here's what I FEEL... .The same as you.  IF he was happier with his exes then it's because they never hit the devaluing stage.  Also, seems they have a hard time painting EVERYONE black at one time, if he's mad at you, then he's ok with them, you know... .So consider this is an opinion from him... .I bet if you asked the exes, they'd be glad it was done and it wasn't all roses, unless it ended before the devaluing stage... .we all get swept up in that.

I'm on day 3 of complete NC.  Had to force it with restraining order.  I find out more crazy stuff every few days.  I know I should be glad to be done, but my heart is ripping from my chest and I feel nauseous.  I should feel relieved.  But I don't   I WANT to help him... .but I CAN'T.  I actually CAN'T.  He's ruining his own life.  I can't stop him.  He's making bad choices.  No matter how I help, he still makes these choices.  He doesn't want a better life.  I do.  Time will heal. 

Time will heal for you, too.

You need to move on. Try to keep your self busy every day, start new hobbies, go out, make new friends and enjoy your life. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him (presents etc). You really don't need your ex bf to enjoy life.

Think about the negative moments. My exBPD played a lot with my feelings, she never cared about me. The entire rs was a disaster, that's the reason why I really hate her. Whenever I think about her I really can't think of something positive. She's just plain evil, she told me once about her ex-bf. She projected her behavior on him she told me that he didn't give her attention, cheated on her, ignored her for a long period. That's exactly what she did to me, so she's a liar and tried to manipulate me. I don't want to spend time with a  person like that.

I already have found an another girl I have been dating with, I'm having a great time with her. And whenever I compare her to my exBPD I realize that my exBPD is just a complete idiot. I still have a couple presents my exBPD gave me and I'm going to send them back to her. I really don't need her crap in my house.

You can't love or miss a person you hate. That's what I believe in.

Hi wishfulthinking. Thank you for replying. It is nice to know someone is going through the same thing. I have the same feeling of feeling naeusous and really wanting to help him. He doesnt even have a proper job and lives with his family with no plans to move out and hes coming up to 30. He makes a gambling bet of at least £3 every single day and he has so many confidence issues he refuses to drive and avoids sex as much as he can. I love him but hes a mess. I tried to help him but apparently this made horrible selfish and controlling... .

How long were you with your partner? Private message me if u like or if ever you need to