BPDFamily.com

First off I want to thank anyone who took the time to read this and reply. Everyone here has seen it all and is much more knowledgeable about this than I am. I am sorry that this is soo long, but I wanted to be thorough in order to get the best answers. Since my ex and I broke up, if that’s what you call it, I have been trying to wrap my head around this whole thing. I have been seeing a counselor and she has her views on what is going on. I would like to see what everyone here thinks and what their opinions are. My ex has shown signs of BPD, but I am not sure if this is exactly what it is or not.

Before her senior year in high school she moved out of her parents place and into an apartment with one of her friends. I am not sure why, but if I had to guess it was because she couldn’t get along with her mother. Which maybe or maybe not was a teenage thing because her mother is awesome. After she graduated she began dating her boss, who is 10+ yrs older than she is. Within 2 1/2 years they got married. Then within 2 months she cheated on him and they got a divorce. Immediately after the divorce she moved 400 miles away to be with the man she cheated on her husband with. Problem is he is married with children. I am not 100% sure what his situation was there, but from what her friends have told me she “technically” had her own place, but for some reason his wife would come over and do laundry over there. She would have to leave and “go find something to do” when his wife would come over. She was full out playing the “mistress” role. After 2 months she moved back home and it was her ex-husband who went a got her. She told her family that it was because he was texting other girls. She told her friends that he was terrible to her. Needed to know all of her passwords and where she was at all times. Would check her FB and phone every night to see if she was texting other guys. She lost 20 lbs in those 2 months. She never once told me about this guy 400 miles away. I always assumed her and her ex-husband lived there.

A month after she moved back we met. We dated for 4 years with a month “break” in the middle, which was my doing.  A year before we met my girlfriend of 2 years was killed in a drunk driving accident. A year into our relationship I felt the need to tell her exactly what had happened and how it affected me. I thought she should know because it was part of me, and maybe it would or would not affect our relationship. I wasn’t keeping secrets. Anyways, she went and told one of her friends. Within a week I gave them a ride after they had been out drinking. Her friend then began to tell me “I don’t know why you are hung up on her, she is dead. My BF’s ex is still living and is still a threat. Your ex isn’t a threat anymore”. Wow, I told her deep things that I had never told anyone, ever. And she couldn’t even keep it to herself. That was part of my cause for needing a break. I needed to re-evaluate our relationship and if my deceased ex was still an issue for me. After that month I decided it was water under the bridge and I was lucky to have a girl who was passionate about me, wild in bed, loved to do all of the same things I did. So we got back together and dedicated myself to her, to us, to our future.

We would have deep conversations about what we wanted in life and what our goals are. We discussed how many kids we both wanted and what our beliefs/principles were for raising children. We both wanted 1 boy and 1 girl and she would email me countless lists of kid’s names. She named our future children. She even planned out entire wedding, down to the seating arrangements. She would ask me all the time, privately and publicly in from of our friends and family, why doesn’t she have a ring yet? Why don’t I want to marry her? Then the next day she would tell me, “I am just waiting for you to wise up and realize you can do much better than me and leave.” Her parents would call me her husband all the time.

Things started to go downhill when she began school. She couldn’t decide on a major and after a year and a half she just stopped going. She told me she feels like a complete failure for this. While she was going to school she had gotten a different job and it was terrible. Stressful, no management, and mean co-workers. She hated it with a passion and despised going to work. After she quit school she got a new job where they treat their employees better, but it was boring and unfulfilling. She had gotten lazy and would do nothing but lay on the couch, watch tv, and complain about how much weight she had gained. I tried motivating her and wanting to work out together, but she wouldn’t do it. I would make special effort to do things for her that I knew would make her happy and feel special, but she just laid on the couch. It was unappealing to me. We stopped having sex. She would get very upset with me and was certain that the reason we didn’t have sex was because she was fat. On many occasion I straight up told her it was because I bust my ass to make her happy and she shows no appreciation for it. Twice I said to her, “So you feel unwanted and I feel unappreciated, how can we fix this.” She never had an answer for me. We would begin to have sex again, but her attitude never changed as far as showing any appreciation. She would complain that we never did anything, but she never once said “lets go do this.” It was 100% up to me to entertain her. I would ask her what she wanted to do and she always replied, “I don’t know”. One time she said she wanted to do something, skydiving. I told her to look into it and we could do it together. She never looked it up.

Right around this time her parents came to us with a proposition. They had bought a house to flip, but wanted to sell it to us. Her father and I would renovate everything in the house and in the end we would buy it from them for whatever money was put into it and end up with a really nice house that we bought for much, much cheaper than it is really worth. For a month we, I mean I, calculated the budget to see if we could make it work and I thought we could. The opportunity was too good to pass up. She kept telling me the whole time, “Let’s just do it, we will make it work”. Soon after we decided that we were going to do it she talked me into moving out of our apartment and into her parents place. They weren’t going to charge us rent so we could save a bunch of money while the house was being worked on. I reluctantly agreed, I like my own space, but it made financial sense. So we moved out, then my truck began to have mechanical issues. I was going to sell it and get something reasonable, but against my better judgement she talked me into getting something much newer and more expensive because it will last longer. I should have gone with my gut on that one.

Her parents had been wanting to go on a family vacation since the previous year. We had been saving for that trip, but her parents came to us and said that with us buying the house that they wanted to pay for our trip to Mexico. They paid $2,000 just for me to go next month. So after we moved in with her parents, her father and I were dedicated on renovating this house. Every day that we weren’t living in the house was 1 more day of interest we had to pay them back with. It was a complete gut and re-model. Tore down all of the interior walls and re-did it how we wanted. She would email me 10 times a day at work, different ideas and things she wanted in the house. She was beyond excited for it. She designed everything in our entire house.

On the day we passed out first inspection, plumbing, on the house I texted her a picture of the “passed” card the inspector gave us. She never replied. So at the end of the day I emailed her and asked her if she got my picture. She said yes, then said she felt like she was going to snap. “I never make any decisions in my life. I just go with the flow as to not ruffle any feathers”. She said she wanted to leave town for the weekend because she needed to get a way and think. When I asked her where she was going, she said “South”.

When she came back late Sunday night she told me she didn’t want there to be an “us” anymore. So I asked her why. “I DON”T WANT TO ADULT ANYMORE. Before I met you I never wanted kids. I still don’t want kids and I never wanted this house. I like being selfish and I just want to be selfish”. So I asked her, “For the last 4 years we have been planning a life together. You named our children, you designed our house, you talked me into moving in with your parents, you told me that we would make it work with the house, you planned our wedding, and you talked me into buying this truck. Are you telling me that this ENTIRE time you wanted absolutely nothing to do with any of that?” She said, “It sounds horrible when you say it like that, but yes. I only stayed with you because my family loves you and I didn’t want to disappoint them.” My mind was blown. Who does this?

Since that day I have not seen her or spoken to her. I come to find out that 8 months prior to us “breaking up” that she outed me to her ex-husband. Apparently while I was supporting her financially and working harder than I ever have on a relationship, I was the biggest piece of ___ ever. So she knew well before any life altering moves were made that she didn’t want to be in this. But she never left. Not until now, and now I know why. A week before she broke down the married guy from before re-connected with her a confessed his undying love for her. That’s who she went and stayed with when she left town. She was madly in love and dating him the day after we broke up. But he is still married and is about to become a grandfather. He told her the first time that he was going to leave his wife for her but never did. Now he is selling the same story. Within a month she got fired from her job for too many no-shows. His job makes him travel for months at a time. So she has gone on the road with him to Oklahoma and to Denver for the next 2 months. When that’s all done then he has to go home to his family. You can only guess how that is going to end.

Her entire family has told me they are sorry and they have no idea what she is doing. They have told me that I was the best thing to ever happen to her and she will regret this someday. But will she? Her sister even told me she feels like she needs an intervention. This whole thing is mind blowing to me. I made my fair share of mistakes in our relationship, I am by no means perfect. I worked too much, drank too much to try to deal with the stress of making our future happen, and wasn’t able to go do things with her because we were saving every penny possible. But I was trying harder than I probably should have. I miss her, or who I thought she was, but I am relieved to not have to deal with that nonsense anymore.

I have two main questions for everyone here. Is this just a bad relationship gone bad, or is she walking around an undiagnosed BPD? And, if she does have BPD, should I alert her family? Is it my place to tell them? They are beyond disgusted with her actions and I feel like I should tell them if this is what she really has. Otherwise this cycle will continue and they have to keep watching this train wreck ruin other people’s lives.

Thank you again, any thoughts or comments would be appreciated.

Short answer -- diagnosis doesn't really matter that much.

Also, I think you've seen enough to know you don't want anything to do with this person.  She has some serious issues and you can't fix her.  Your relationship with a woman should be happy and easy and really, it shouldn't be work.  Find someone fun who likes herself and other people.

I don't mean to sound curt but if you spend three years mulling this over, you're likely to reach the same conclusion. 

Hi Otp86

Sorry that you had to put up with mindfck of epic proportions. 

Here is the diagnostic criteria for BPD - you can take a guess whether she fits it or not:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

Many of us have exs that we describe as undiagnosed BPD. Are we right? Who knows - but it helps us to better come to terms with what we've been through.

Telling her parents won't help much. They already know she has issues. She sounds like a cluster B of some description and all you can do is cut her loose and move on with your life. Trying to understand crazy can make you crazy sometimes! 

Thanks for the honest answers. Reading about other people's stories on here it hurts cause I can relate to a lot of them. I'm stuck like most people are. Missing who I thought she was and what I thought we had, hating her for the things she has done and said, and trying to forgive her because "she doesn't know any better". That last part is the hardest. I feel like just because she isn't right in the head, doesn't mean she should get a "pass" for the things she has done. Trying to stay busy and create a new life for myself, but she is always popping in my head, ruining my day. I've been NC for 2 months now and I still want to tell her off, but I won't because it won't do any good. So I vent to my counselor, which helps, but not enough. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of her still impacting my life. I want it to be over with and forgotten so I can move on peacefully. I'm tired of wasting my time on her when she isn't even around anymore.