BPDFamily.com

I'm about a week off 90 days of N/C and well over 120 days since I last saw my BPDx. I can honestly say I am no longer in that deep, dark thrashing of pain and sorrow I was those first few weeks where at times I didnt think I was going to survive another hour let alone another day yet here it is 3 months later and I am really becoming sane again. Yes there are still moments of ruminating but I am training myself that whenever she invades my mind I disinvite her by remembering the effects she has on me both physically and mentally.

For those brief moments where I feel that tug to reach out and make contact I stop and ask my self two important questions.

A. Why I am I reaching out?

B. What will the outcome be?

A. Why am I wanting contact and reaching out?

If I really think about this my main reason for making contact is because there is still some sort of tie to her.

While I am no longer obsessed, I know that I still have a form of addiction to her and the relationship.

This opens up another question.

Addicted to what?

During the "idealization phase" it was about two components.

1. The wonderful WORDS that included Love Bombing via calls, texts and emails. At the end of the day that's all it really was. Words. Empty, manipulating words. Perhaps for brief monents when she was in a certain state those Words had meaning but those Words were never followed up with concrete ACTIONS. She didnt walk the talk. The Words vs. Actions were contradictions. These Words also cut both ways. When she went into her rages or painted me black this was the Only time that her Words equaled the Actions. She would say mean, demeaning things to me as well as cut me from contact. Ask me to leave and punish me in anyway she could. Why was it that when she said "nice things" she couldn't follow up with Actions yet when she was pissed she could in fact follow through?

Because I usually blamed myself, I always felt the need to apologize whenever she was mean or cruel. Could this be another reason that I maybe want to make contact? To apologize for something? Am I that pathetic that I need to apologize to person that constantly devalues and emasculates me?

2. Intimacy, Sex. A big part of our relationship was intensly physical. Mostly sexual. Do I miss this? Sure I do. Sexuality fufils many needs in a person but when you are dysfunctional as she is as well as myself as CoD and Caretaker sex becomes more of an addiction. A way to fill that void and emptiness within. For her it seemed as though it was all about some performance and I also know it was a way to Control me. A way to keep her hooks in me so that I would return again and again. Was this true lovemaking? Perhaps at some moments it was, but the sheer truth it was about the addicting qualities of getting off. Empty, porn like sex.

B. What will the outcome be?

If I do contact her or make an effort to see her I think I know her well enough to know

she will respond 1 of 3 ways.

1. Ignore me. If I call or text/email her she will see it's my number/address and will simply not respond or let call go to voice mail. This will give her a sense of Validation that I still care and have feeling for her while she makes sure I once again feel Rejected.

2. Rail and rage against me. Perhaps she will pick up the call or respond to a text/email. In turn she will make sure I know how I hurt her, how it's all my fault or worse yet tell me what a loser I am and how she never loved me.

3. Tell me what I want to hear with empty Words and promises. If after all this time I am no longer painted black she will dive into her bag of nice adjectives and tell me what a great guy I was, how she loves me and misses me. While this may be true at "the moment" I know that eventually her feelings and emotions will swing the other way for me. This could also open me up to yet another Recycle. I now know that being around her has toxic consequences on my health.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=277406.0

I have come too far and know too much to place myself back into darkness, feelings of emptiness and chaos. Thanks to these boards and anti-depressants I no longer want to die or feel worthless and empty. It took these almost 90 days of N/C to realize many things and now very carefully Think about what I do when it comes to my BPDx. One of them is to continue staying in No Contact and eventually full Detachment.

Hope this helps someone.

Dagwood... .that was a KICK A*S post!  I can steal and use your words interchangeably referring to myself and my RS.  Thank you for this.  I know I'm not far from you, but I think I had a bunch of setback, plus I don't think I did nearly the amount of detective work that you did at finding actual reasoning for things that happened.  I'm more neolithic about it.  Thanks again!

Dagwood... .that was a KICK A*S post!  I can steal and use your words interchangeably referring to myself and my RS.  Thank you for this.  I know I'm not far from you, but I think I had a bunch of setback, plus I don't think I did nearly the amount of detective work that you did at finding actual reasoning for things that happened.  I'm more neolithic about it.  Thanks again!

Thank you DL. Several months ago when I was blinded by FOG and I could not see, hear or speak about the dysfunctional dynamic between myself and BPDx. I'm no longer using my heart and feelings and my thinking is now focused on prudent actions or in-actions when it comes to her.

Yep, I agree, dagwood, 100%. 

NC... .as in zero... .is the only way for me.   He was relentless in the r/s.  Right from the start.  And that was when he liked me a lot.  Now, post b/u, he surely has a long list of the many wrongs he suffered.  So I don't see any way for the super-nice, loving, adoring guy to show up.  Or not for long.  I am convinced his behavior towards me will not have changed.  I believe it would only be worse.  Much worse.

Even if I am wrong, the risk is not worth it.   

Thanks for sharing this 

I agree. His behavior got more cruel with each recycle. Its almost as if he was testing my limits. How much would I take? He left for good when he found someone else or perhaps the game just got boring.

The never ending circle. Don't worry his entire life is a complete mess. Whether they have on or thousand partners they'll never know what true love is. My exBPD got worse every time we got back together, I really can relate what you and ReclaimingMyLife wrote. My exBPD really played with my feelings a lot, she really enjoy it but I know she's the loser she'll never have a stable relationship in her entire life while for me it's possible.

I love your posts, username69. Lol. They are hilarious and right on the money

Outstanding post dagwoodbowser. You nailed it. As I was reading your post, I got chills thinking about my own situation.

Outstanding post dagwoodbowser. You nailed it. As I was reading your post, I got chills thinking about my own situation.

WhatJH: Thank you. My purpose was to reflect some clearer thinking as my emotions are more in control and hopefully share something that will Help those of you that are currently suffering hoping and wanting to reach out to someone that deep within you all know is mentally ill and is not only destroying themselves but taking you along. I was there and could not think straight because of the painful emotions. Reaching out will only increase the Pain and keep you in an endless loop. It is up to the Non to Control either Contact or N/C because the BPD cant.

I gotta add my own 2 big fat cents into the mix here.

I think the NC also relates to everything and everyone near to the RS or ex.

On FB, the ex's older daughter blocked me.  At first I was perplexed and then upset and then really friggin hurt.  But a day or two later, I felt that although I thought that she had her nerve doing that, there was just 25 grams of less stress on my shoulders!  I talked myself thru it and realized that she needed to be cut off because she was a piece of the connective tissue.  I still think on it, but it's good!

Also on FB, an oldtime friend of the ex, a really "triggering" birtch, I didn't unfriend or block her, but I don't talk to her anymore.  Another GOOD SCORE!

Others on FB, I don't follow versus the unfriend or block and I keep the discipline that I know I don't necessarily want to see what is going on with them.  I don't care if they see my stuff.  That is what FB is all about, being social.  ANd yes, I met my ex on FB.

Out of the entire family of the ex, her biological dad is a fantastic man.  I like him a lot and remain friends with him.  We aren't chatty, just a message now and again and just posts we both like.  I feel that I should cut off everything ever connected to her, but she's controlling me if I do that too.  Bad enuff I'm struggling to make my SONGS and MOVIES and MOVIELINES mine again.  The other day, I went to Walmart with my son, He gave me 20minute leeway before he came in.  I was going up and down the isles slowly... .I told him that I was TAKING THE STORE BACK and MAKING IT MINE AGAIN.  I had bad memories being in there alone, the ex and I always went shopping together and it's hard for me to be in those places alone or with someone else.  Anyone else messed up like that?  Songs and movies and stuff too, we watched and listened together. It became OURS and I want it back!  TIred of changing a tune because it reminds me of her. Screw her... .it was mine to begin with.