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So I have been checking my checking account and seeing that we have been spending too much money.  Especially on eating out.  I also see that my wife's parents are in town and that they love to eat out as much as possible.  They seem to especially love to all go out together while I am at work.  So the checking account says they have gone out 2 times in two days while I have been out.  When I get home from work, my wife mentions that she would like us to go out for dessert.  Though it is nice to be included, I mention that I am worried we don't have the money.  My wife begins to get defensive.  This very quickly moves into blaming me for attacking her and saying she doesn't want to talk about it.  When I persist that we need to talk about it (possibly my mistake?), she accuses me of being mad that they went out without me rather than that she spent money.  When I try to indicate that I have been reviewing the bank account and see that we (I say we on purpose) have been spending too much on eating out, she lashes out and says she is sorry that her parents can't afford to take us out every night like mine, but that she wants to have some fun with her parents.  She again voices that she doesn't want to talk about it, storms out of the room,  says fine she want spend another penny or she'll just sell something else so she can.  She then slams the door.  After a day now of her hardly saying a word to me and being generally cranky, I jump in the shower and she comes in the bathroom to let me know she and the grandparents are leaving to take the kids to Chick Fil A for dinner.  What? She alwahz tells me I'm too sensitive.  My feelings were hurt because we could not discuss the topic without it becoming heated or her yelling, slamming a door, or telling me to go to hell (how many of our talks about money sex and family issues end).  I constantly ask myself if I am partially to blame for our interactions.  It is so confusing.  I know I rarely if ever raise my voice.  She almost always does in our fights.  Is that proof enough that I am handling it fine and it is just her BPD, or am I really saying things that would make anyone flare up?

Sorry you had to deal with this   And more sorry to report you are preaching to the choir here   I think we have all experienced exactly this, and I hate to say, it's a no win.  Your wife has BPD, and there are ways to ease into and out of certain topics, but screaming and slammed doors are par for the course here.  Touchy subjects have to be addressed (money is about the biggest one) and there are bound to be blowups rather than civil discussions.

I have yet to have a single civil, calm, rational discussion about money with my wife.  1) It's always my fault; 2) she always winds up cursing and screaming 3) It's all my fault

My situation is usually slightly different.  I am the only one with a job.  I scrimp and save as much as I can.  She is more likely to eat out or want to eat out, and then I get blamed for our poor financial standing.  Yet if I put my foot down and said "no", I'd hear hell about that, too, for being controlling.

I can't win.

Ah yes, BPD and money talks don't go well. BPDh comes from a family where they rob Peter to pay Paul. My family are savers. So it's a classic match of lives beyond your means, meets live under your means. I'm not allowed much voice, so he keeps us continually broke. I just want to help us, and get ahead, but no, my advice is not wanted.

Eating out is a huge problem. I have done grocery shopping maybe once in about three months, other than to grab bread or milk. This is because he always wants to eat out, and he also eats out for lunch at work. I'm frugal and shop Goodwill and thrift shops, so I have trouble understanding his reasoning. Maybe it's impulse control? Lack of planning?

He'll buy other things like motorcycle classes, then we don't have money for groceries, and he also is paying some of his Dad's bills. I just don't get it. We do without, because there is no such thing as prioritizing.

Yeah, mine was so wasteful, always had to get the most expensive things.

In her mind, the more expensive it is, the better it is.

And I as the generous benefactor should get her the best. That worked for some time... .

Has anyone heard of BPD person that is a saver and conservative spender? Does such a thing exist?