BPDFamily.com

I have  a PhD in marriage and family therapy.  Let me tell you, this makes my own marriage to a BPDw completely confusing!  As a marriage therapist, we are trained to see everything, EVERYTHING, as a two way problem.  So, when my wife goes in to some type of rage, I immediately begin to question my own role in this event.  After all, she wouldn't be having a tantrum, if I hadn't done something to trigger it according to system's theory. 

Early in our marriage, I tried to pull my marriage therapist card (I know it is obnoxious, but I was desperate) and basically tell her that her tantrums were well beyond the normal response of an annoyed wife.  This was of course completely rejected by saying that I was just waaaaaay too sensitive.  (Most therapists are right?:) She also added that real marriages do not have all of that lovey dovey, romantic stuff.  Me wanting that stuff was unrealistic because I was a marriage therapist. So confusing.   

I also tried some of the techniques I was learning to solve issues between us.  But, we were having major blow up after major blow up whenever we would discuss a sensitive topic! Again, I wondered what I was doing wrong.


 

I responded to another post of yours before seeing this post of yours. Again, I truly feel for you being a marriage therapist married to a pwBPD. If your wife is anything like mine, your PhD in marriage and family therapy means nothing when you and her are concerned. I doubt even a PhD in Psychology would help a person married to a pwBPD. Maybe only in understanding their actions, but in no way could you try to bring your PhD into a contest of validation with a BP.

Well, this is yet more reassurance that BPD is not easy to see, even for someone trained to see it. My BPDh's ex is a T, and my belief is that they both have PD's. She used to stab him, and he has physical scars. I'm sure she's only a T because he never reported these numerous instances. He would sit in the ER being stitched up, and never told a soul. He used the victim card to me, and having come from an abusive marriage, I could totally sympathize with him. What I didn't realize until after we'd married, and the true him came out, was that I'm sure she was reacting to his rages, and anger. Now, a non PD would not pick up a knife or hammer(which she did), and her kids all say she's crazy, and I've witnessed her crazy in person too, so I know it was likely a case of two PD's in one marriage.

I agree with what you say about there being two in every marriage, and I know I likely trigger BPDh in some ways, and I was definitely co dependent before I realized he was BPD/NPD. He's diagnosed with Explosive Intermittent Disorder, and in DBT. I'm working on not being co dependent, and having boundaries, and not picking up fleas(a few of which I had).

Give yourself a break. Your training as a marriage counselor, in a way, made it harder to see? You came from a good place because you were looking at how you contribute.