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I know it sounds like a crazy question, but I wonder if I just fantasize that other couples are affectionate with each other (hugging, kissing, holding hands, complementing) on a daily basis when in reality, after the honeymoon phase, couples just kind of move out of doing that stuff so much.  I realize there are exceptions to the rule.  We all know like one couple that still seems like they are in the honeymoon stage after 15 years together, but is that the norm?  I know I would totally want to continue doing that stuff, but that is far from my BPDw's mind.  It would be easier to blame it on my wife's BPD as that would validate that I am not crazy for expecting this.  But, I would also like to know if my expectations are too high.  My BPDw certainly feels that is the main problem.  I just expect too much romance. 

I just read from that new book (this is not an ad I promise) the Normal Bar that like 44% and only 27% of women wish they had more romance in their relationships.  Thus a major role reversal from what is portrayed in our cultural media about men and women.  I certainly fall into the 44% who want more romance. My wife definitely falls into the category of feeling like she has plenty.  In fact, she often needs more space to feel like she can function.  But is that a product of her being an avoidant attachment style, me being and anxious attachment style, or her being a BPD?   

Welcome!

I think it may hinge on what kind of affection you are talking about. 

My BPD wife would claim I show her no affection.  But in my mind, she wants CONSTANT affection and gives unclear signals as to what she wants.  Some days she wants to be touched, other days not.  And all days she is complaining of pain or depression.  But I cook for her, bring her flowers, bring her coffee, etc... .

I think it depends on the couple.   I've known happily married couples that you would rarely see hug or kiss, but they would show affection in other ways.

the romance and affection that I had wanted all of my life I found when I met my uBPDw. (this is my second marriage, first one lasted 25years) For two years the romance stayed strong. We flirted with each other called each other pet names etc. I would never kiss in public but she brought something out in me that made me feel comfortable. (not talking about inappropriate kissing). It was awesome…then 2 years later something triggered her to change her view of me. ( I did nothing wrong) to long of an explanation but at any rate, Its a BPD thing... .we are working to get back to that or at least close to that. It's like a switch turned off in her….I have struggled for 2+ years with no real emotional affection, no sexual intimacy, no pet names, no I love you texts out of the blue.

To answer your question, I think that any "normal" relationship struggles at times and things have to be worked on. We find out about our own selves if we are willing, and then make changes if we are willing. We have been reading Marriage builders (look it up on the web) also the same Dr. wrote the book HIs needs, her needs very practical and straight forward. I am hoping it helps with us.

BPD is always ,it seems, going to be an obstacle.

   

Some are and some aren't, as long as they are both in the same phase of needing affection all is well. When their requirements in this regard differ thats when there are issues. Unfortunately this often gets left undiscussed and unresolved, so issues fester and manifest themselves in other areas