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Title: Codependent partner Post by: Allahborn on June 05, 2015, 09:03:49 AM I'm a 39 yr old male in a new relationship with a 34 yr old woman going on 2yrs and we just had a child together. We are not married yet. I fear long term commitment with this woman due to a lot of signs of codependency I've witnessed in our relationship. She started off sweet, kind, and giving. And slowly turned into demanding, controlling, and overly emotional. She was raised with both her parents, one being her dad was partially handicap due to a stroke in his teen years and from what I presume to be an alcoholic. Her mom is very controlling and demanding like herself, yet a sweet and giving person as well. I feel trapped in a relationship where she points out all my wrongs and takes no accountability for her own. To the point where she is in denial. I've gotten to the point where I feel that in order to help I do everything to make her happy out of love, but I now fear being her enabler. I don't know what to do because I love her and our child, but worry that if this behavior continues. We won't be together long.
Title: Re: Codependent partner Post by: an0ught on June 05, 2015, 12:35:53 PM Welcome Allahborn,
Excerpt Her mom is very controlling and demanding like herself, yet a sweet and giving person as well. And dad was drinking to cope with the roller-coaster. Not a stable environment to grow up in. Excerpt I've gotten to the point where I feel that in order to help I do everything to make her happy out of love, but I now fear being her enabler. |iiii so there is insight on your side. That is a good starting point. Excerpt And slowly turned into demanding, controlling, and overly emotional. and you tolerated her behavior. She was able to behave differently. So once you stop tolerating it there is a good chance it becomes less extreme. Read up on boundaries and start thinking on how to do them. Excerpt I feel trapped in a relationship where she points out all my wrongs and takes no accountability for her own. Don't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. All would be invalidating and just gets her riled up more. The fact that you defend just proves that you are guilty. The only way to win this game is not playing. Also start practicing validation, particularly of negative stuff. For workshops see the LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190). Again *welcome*, a0 |