BPDFamily.com

So i was with my uBPDbf for about 14 months. Im 25 he is 29. We broke up a few days and he is just giving me hell since

I had so much strength this morning. So much strength to change my number and never have to hear from again. For not saying well done to him for something that happened yesterday i get so much abuse.he tells me to phone him and i didnt. He sends me a screenshot a facebook status he is going to post which is 20 lines long about how I mentally abuse him and lie and cheat and how i think im too good for him because I have more money and how he wished he didnt love me because i make him so unhappy. I tell him how controlling he is being and I will change my number because of the way he is acting. He denies actually posting anything to facebook (he obviously just drafted it and screeshotted it to scare me) He sends me messages saying how sick I am and I should realise. Plus how Im so obviously in the wrong its scary I don't see it and how I better not delete his number and apologise before Tuesday or he will put my psychoness to shame... .these are all his words.

This is unbearable  I felt so strong and now I am self doubting whether I am the crazy one. I am also scared about what he will do. I keep telling myself I am only 25 I can do better than this. I now have it in my head that he is right and I am crazy but don't see it :/ this is so confusing

Message he sent me a few minutes ago "If you haven't kissed me by Tuesday you will find out what I'm capable of when I feel ___ed over. Because then I will know you don't love me"

Im sorry to hear this. But in my opinion you shouldn't br afraid of a facebook status. My exBPD has been painting me black and I really didn't care. You know the truth, don't give him what he wants.

You really need to move on. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him. He isn't worth it really, at the end he's going to hurt you more and act like he is the victim. My exBPD used to blackmail me with self harm. When I told her I really don't care and I have moved on she became furious. Don't give your exBPD what he want don't let him take control.

Really I don't understand why people don't want to move on. It's impossible to have a rs with a pwBPD.

Its more because I don't want him to convince people I am awful. It was a long and detailed statements of many lines. And now threats to **** me over mentally for ruining his life for no reason... .

Yes he has also mentioned he has had thoughts to end his life because of all this. How do you escape the guilt?

hey klacey, im sorry youre going through this.

if i have advice its dont allow threats and distortions to deter you, or your plan of action. easier said than done obviously, but try to keep that idea at your center.

threats should generally be taken seriously, but in this case, i agree with you when you say " (he obviously just drafted it and screeshotted it to scare me)". i got a few similar threats in my relationship; they were just to get my attention and get me to talk to her, they were never backed up. she even told me she sent someone a similar message about me, and what she supposedly sent. she didnt send it.

you dont owe this person anything: circular arguments, explanations, apologies, etc. if you want to change your number, id encourage you to do it.

sure there are two sides to a story, but this sounds pretty cut and dry. if you are sick and "so obviously in the wrong its scary" then what exactly is the point in threatening you in order to make you apologize? i mean, even if he were right, is that a reasonable or healthy response? and all because you didnt stroke his ego? you most definitely dont owe him that either. try to read your story as if another person wrote it, and the silliness and irrationality of all of that might sink in a bit more and give you some resolve.

""If you haven't kissed me by Tuesday you will find out what I'm capable of when I feel ___ed over. Because then I will know you don't love me"

my point exactly. who does that? whys he want to kiss a scary psycho abuser who he also wants to smear? you broke up. why are you expected to then prove you love him?

his threats are likely empty, and left to his own devices, he will find other ways to self soothe. at worst he writes a status or two bad mouthing you, which, if that kinda thing appeared on my feed, would get him unfollowed. you dont have to know about it, and it cant really hurt you.

hope this helps. hang in there. i know this is tough  

You know the truth, the people who love you they know how you are, they'll know that everything he claims is wrong. My exBPD painted me black we didn't have any mutual friends so she could say whatever she wants. She wants to tell them I'm a psycho fine then I am a psycho, I don't have to deal with her friend or relatives. Even if we had mutual friend then it would be the moment to see who is a good friend and not. Good friends won't get involved in other peoples relationship problems.

My exBPD cut herself a lot. She cut her arms and legs, so every time when we had sex I would see it. To be honest I really didn't care because I knew she did this to play with my guilt. Beside I wasn't the one who cut her, she did it not me. I didn't really thought about it, so I quickly forgot about it. Later I knew I was right because whenever we had a fight she didn't cut herself anymore. She cuts herself just to make me feel guilty, it's a game they play with you. They WANT you to feel guilty, don't give them what they want. You'll only hurt yourself and after a while he's going to dump you for no reason.

Once she said that she wanted to commit suicide because at that period we already broke up. I told her I'm single and I can date whoever I want.  Later she knew I was dating a girl she got furious. She flooded her entire FB with messages that she's going to end her life. I was worried and tried to contact her, next day she pretended like nothing happened at all. She did this only for attention and to make me feel guilty. I became very angry and I told her if you want to kill yourself fine do it, I don't care anymore. At this time I already had lost a lot of respect for her and the love was fading away, she still kept playing her games I almost noticed them immediately. Later I started to hate her a lot. I knew she only played with my feelings she always did. One time she wanted me the other time she tells me she needs distance etc.

At the end pwBPD only say these things only to play with your feelings really. He won't commit suicide, the majority of people who commit suicide never announce it they just do it. It reminds me of what my traditional martial arts teacher told me once. He told me if someone threatened you with a gun he isn't going to kill you, he wants something from you, if he wanted to kill you he would have done it before. Same goes for these pwBPD who're telling you that they're going to commit suicide.

We have no reason to feel guilty, it's what they want because they LOVE it to play with your feelings. Once you give them what they want they're going to dump you. You have done your best and if this is the way he's going to thank you for it then it's time to move on. Forget about it him there are plenty of guys who're willing to date you. Believe me on this one, I'm dating with the girl I have met and things are going great for me.

In the traditional martial art I practice one of the main concept is use the force of your opponent against him instead of going power against power. You see what happened, her games turned against her. I have realized this longtime ago, this is one of the things that made things easier for me. It's one of the reasons I don't feel guilty about her.

You can completely forget about him only if YOU want it. To be honest I can't see any good reason why someone should stay with a pwBPD, it's not worth it. Get rid of everything which reminds you of him (presents, SMS, pm on FB, emails), block any form of contact (FB, phone, email). Focus on yourself, whenever you feel you want to cry just thing about all the bad things he did to you. Next step is to get yourself busy so you won't be depressed. Try to occupy yourself with things you enjoy, have fun, go out with your friends, work out, start new hobbies enjoy your life without your exBPD. This will get your over your exBPD very quick. And never forget why he became your ex.

*welcome*

I'm sorry you're going through all of this  I can understand how confusing this feels. You're young and you can detach from your ex partner.

A pwBPD feel worthlessness, anxiety, intense anger. I think it helps to understand the behaviors so that we can depersonalize.

I think he's projecting when he's saying that you're mentally abusing him. We all subconsciously project and a pwBPD take this to the extreme. Projection is taking your negative feelings and actions and attributing those feelings and actions to someone else. He doesn't feel comfortable with his actions with mental abuse and how sick he is and he's projecting those feelings and actions on you.

He's emotionally blackmailing you in a couple of different ways. He's threatening to post on social media and I can understand how awful that would feel. It would illicit an emotional response with fear. He's also threatening to self-harm and you're correct that it illicit feelings of guilt and you have obligation if you don't kiss him by Tuesday.

We can't control someone else and we can control how we react. If he does Y, I respond with X. I would take threats of self harm seriously and I can see how that would feel overwhelming. Are we trained to respond to emergencies? Call your local emergency services when he feels this way and have trained professionals deal with his self-harm.

I understand the self -doubt and how difficult it is with changing your number and blocking him.  Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness. The first step is always the hardest. You have a community of members here that can offer guidance and support because we've been through similar experiences. I suggest self-protecting and stop the bleeding with no contact and work through the lessons with detaching. We're here to help  


Hang in there.


----Mutt

What I struggle to understand is, do they really not realise or do they just pretend they dont? I got out of him that it was wrong to threaten me (when he said if u dont call me and kiss by this date you will see what im capable of, sending me information and threatening to post on social media and say he will **** with me mentally)  but at another time when I brought it up again he said he doesnt say these things for no reason and i start all arguments and he only says thingw to hurt me when i hurt him... .but another time he admitted he is sorry and shouldn't have said it.

I an getting so confused with it all like today he says i choose to be unhappy and moan and how he has asked to meet up for a nice meal and how i declined and choose to argue... .I am really starting to question now whether I really am crazy and overreacting? :-/ am I?

You're not crazy. I can understand how it would feel like you're overreacting. I was with my ex-partner for several years. I had the same thoughts as you "Am I going crazy?" I am of sound mind.

He feels awful about himself and has low self esteem. He wants to make you feel hurt just as much as he's feeling hurt. He's trying to put you in a one down position and himself in a one up position and he could very well not be aware.

He may or may not be aware of his behaviors. Everyone that suffers from BPD are different and have different self awareness. From my experience with my ex partner she shuts down and freezes. I think she's aware on a subconscious level.

Your ex partner's reality is real to him just as your reality is real to you. BPD is ingrained in his personality and a personality is a very difficult thing to change. How he interprets his experiences are real. He's wired differently. Reality is open to debate, emotions and feelings are real.

When I found out about BPD it took me a few months to wrap my head around the fact that my wife is really mentally ill. It took time for my heart to catch-up with my head and accept that she's mentally ill. I didn't want to believe that someone I loved so much was sick.

Is there a chance that you may have conflicted feelings and may not believe he suffers serious mental illness?

Thats why it is so hard I think. I feel bad that what he says is really his reality. It would be so much easier with someone that was aware of what they were doing. well he says i am so wrong its scary then later he says i dont ever deserve to be threatened and then later says i do because i caused the problem and he only retaliated.

I think when he is nice i am in denial. I have a psychology degree and I have worked in jobs with mental health patients. He isnt diagnosed but I do know my stuff. I know I shouldnt go by what a psychic tells me but I saw one with an amazing reputation who even told me my boyfriend has obviiously got some mental issues, similar to bipolar where his mental state changes, one day he gets on with someond and one day he doesnt, and she used the words he is wired differently emotionally... .

I am just self doubting so much recently. All I can hear are his words saying 'you twist the truth' 'you just want to argue and we could be happy of you just didnt moan and argue with me' 'i only do things to hurt u when u hurt me first.

I go through stages of being so strong and knowing for sure i dont deserve this and then I back down... .my friends warn me away from him based on what they know... .

I think I just need confirmation from others whether his behaviour and actions are something I should walk away from because kf how wrong it is and that it wont get better... .

What does your intuition tell you?

I don't know ;-(

The truth lies in his actions and not spoken words. Search for the truth there.

Thank you Mutt for your thoughtful replies.

I said if he wants to be with me he must promise he will never use threats again eg. To write stuff about me on facebook, to not say things about his ex deliberately to hurt me and to block her as apparently she wants to be with him and asks to meet up and doesn't believe he is over her and loves me. He tells me he cant promise he wont do these things, only that he will try. He also said if im going to demand things he wants to demand things from me... ."You have to agree to stop bringing up previous stuff. No repeating. No arguing for no reason. And of course block *my guy friend*

Basically to be free from hurtful comments about his ex, for him to block her (due to her apparently wanting him and not believing he has moved on with me), and to not have threats made to write abusive things about me on social media or any other threat harmful to me... .i would have to have no contact with my platonic friend, not repeat anything (meaning he can ignore me when he doesnt want to answer and i cant ask again) i cant argue for 'no reason (meaning i cant say im unhappy with something he has done or said if he doesnt see it as a good reason) ... .

This is just absurd.

I can see how that would feel absurd. I like this article because I think it's a good benchmark for healthy relationships. Where do you see him fit?


Characteristics of Healthy Relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm)