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How long does it normally take someone with BPD to calm down?  I think my wife has a very fast turn around after a rage (name-calling yelling and screaming).  It can be like 15-20 minutes.  If it is a little rage (Nasty tone, one snip, one harsh correction) she is done as soon as it comes out.  What about for you guys?

There really isn't a definitive answer for this one, at least for me. I'm sure others can agree. It really depends on what caused the dysregulation, how long they have been building some things up over time and how you handle the situation. There are also other factors outside your control. Something as simple as your wife trying to calm down and dropping a glass while getting a drink can fire it right back up before it dies down.

A dysregulated incident can be a few minutes up to multiple weeks from some posts I've read. If you don't handle it well or you choose to join in to her emotional storm, it could prolong the peace.

 

I've noticed that it seems to matter how long I stay "engaged" in the conversation... .so... .if I exit quicker... .she calms down quicker.

I'm currently trying to be a better validater... .and I'm hoping that will help the turnaround time as well.

FF

If my validation skills are measured by the length of time it takes her to stop being angry with me... .I suck horribly at validation. Is sucks horribly a measurement? Because I must be really really bad. She's been upset in some way since April 6th. Just when I think she coming out of it, I will say or do something she takes the wrong way and the whole thing gets reset back to zero.

Just yesterday I sent her some flowers just to say I love you. I got a call around 11:30 from her. I was sadly expecting her to be calling to tell me that she got the flowers, thank you they're beautiful and I love you.

Imagine my surprise when I found out she was calling to ask me if I was not calling and texting her because someone else told me too (I'm guessing she was thinking my T but don't know and didn't ask) or if I was just consciously choosing not to do it.

I did jade a bit but caught myself and told her I'm sorry she feels this way. I know it was a screwed up attempt at the S. I was taken quite by surprise.  Turns out the flowers hadn't arrived yet. When they did, it was just ,thank you what are these for,  like it was no big deal.

So I thought I was doing good and evidently I'm still evil in her eyes right now. Anything I say, do, or ask right now is met with a mocking tone and belittling words.