|
Title: chronic illness and family dysfunction Post by: cupotea on June 06, 2015, 12:03:10 PM I don't know if my family member (aunt) has BPD but my main issue is ongoing emotional abuse and also her alcoholism. I am a young adult but have, over the last few years, developed a very debilitating chronic illness that means I live with my mother (sister of possible BPD). My mother is mostly supportive in practical ways and if my issues don't involve our family but she refuses to support and validate my experience of abuse from her sister, and always has. We live at a distance from my aunt but they are in weekly phone contact and although I have tried to explain the danger I feel when around my aunt (she attacks me in private) my mother refuses to acknowledge it, or pretends to but then apologises to my aunt for me being difficult! If I were well I would move out and it wouldn't be such an issue but because I am highly dependent (I can't drive far, walk much or do many household chores and my sole income is welfare) this puts me in a position where there is a power imbalance. I know my aunt wants to visit so I feel at any moment that could be arranged despite me explaining to my mother how threatening this is for me so I don't feel particularly safe. I wonder what others would do in my situation? Prior to the illness coming about I was completely independent working and studying. I've done quite a lot of therapy and consider myself emotionally aware and mature, but it is very hard when I have experienced abuse (and if we were still in contact would continue to experience it as it's been going on for years) and my mother refuses to accept it or dramatically downplays it. It's all the more mystifying because they both grew up in an abusive home so I thought she would empathise and support me knowing how horrid it is but she wants me to pretend everything's ok for the sake of the 'family' and to reduce stress. Unfortunately it's too stressful for me to go on pretending we're normal and i'm not being abused. Any suggestions are welcome. We moved interstate last year so I don't really have any local support or even a friend's house I could escape too. I also don't have any other reliable family support unfortunately or I would probably move elsewhere.
Title: Re: chronic illness and family dysfunction Post by: Kwamina on June 06, 2015, 12:41:38 PM Hi cupotea and welcome to bpdfamily
I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. Dealing with a chronic illness can be hard enough as it is and to then also have to deal with a BPD aunt only makes it more difficult for you. It sounds like your mother might be in denial about your aunt. How would you describe the relationship dynamics between your mother and her sister? How does your aunt treat your mother? Since you are living with your mother now and limited by your chronic illness, it unfortunately is harder for you to distance yourself from all of this. Perhaps you can benefit from some resources we have here about setting and enforcing boundaries. When it comes to dealing with someone who has BPD, boundaries are essential to protect our own well-being: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries) Examples of boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0) Take care Title: Re: chronic illness and family dysfunction Post by: cupotea on June 07, 2015, 02:32:18 AM Hi Kwamina,
thank you for your reply. My mother is in denial about my aunt and keeps saying she doesn't want to take sides or get involved as it's not her dispute. The dispute in question is from a family get together in January 2014 - a delayed christmas thing. It was just me, mum, my aunt and my dad - my relationship with him is complicated too as mum and he were never together and I didn't know he existed until I was 7. I believe he has Aspergers as he is poor at reading other's emotions and motivations. He cares but emotionally he's not really 'there' for me - he just can't understand the way others would. My aunt was verbally attacking me in private all night in very pointed ways that might sound stupid when I repeat the exact words but they were delivered to push my buttons in specific ways - and the tone of her voice and body language are very specific. It makes my skin crawl. She started having a political sort of disagreement with mum over an issue that I know mum firmly feels a certain way on and I do too - to do with asylum seekers. My aunt is quite politically conservative whereas mum and I are more progressive. We have close friends who work in law and advocacy for asylum seekers. Anyway my aunt said we should just 'shoot them all' and mum just backed down and didn't stand up for her beliefs and I got mad and said why I disagreed. Then my aunt said pointed at me essentially 'well if you want to make decisions that are going to f*ck up the world, go ahead, I'm just glad I won't be here' and I was extremely upset because I'm so sick that I don't know what the quality of the rest of my life will be like. I can't really explain the crux of why that exchange was so hurtful - she doesn't really accept my illness. She resents everything I have (dad bought me a laptop and she bitterly said "where's my laptop" like i'm spoiled) even though we've never been well off and I've worked and studied really hard. Anyway I told her to go "f*ck herself". This is the one and only time I have confronted her angrily - at age 28. I am too sick to drive much so couldn't physically leave the house so I went to another room and mum stayed and apologised to my aunt for 'attacking her' and didn't check on me at all. My dad eventually came out and I explained things and he was fairly supportive in a detached way but since then he has shown poor understanding for my ongoing reluctance to see or reconnect with my aunt. I haven't seen her since then or spoken to her. She gave me $8000 (through mum) last year when I travelled to Germany for medical treatment (I'm in Australia) which I deliberated hard about accepting but eventually did because I so desperately want to be well and be independent again. I spoke with mum a few months ago about why I wouldn't smooth things over with my aunt to reduce the stress on her and the family and when i re-explained the emotional and verbal abuse it was like she completely didn't get it. Then she said, "I thought you'd change your mind about that after she gave you all that money". Of course she didn't have to give me the money but if I said all the other stuff didn't matter I feel like I'd essentially just be emotionally prostituting myself. It does my sanity in. I just keep thinking, if i wasn't sick I would leave and never speak to them. My aunt knows we don't have much money and so has brought up her inheritance to me repeatedly and keeps reminding me that she has more money and that if I'm good she'll leave it to me. I am genuinely scared for my financial security if I remain ill and mum passes away as I could be homeless unless friends take me in. I brought my fears for my material security up with mum recently and again she seemed incapable of empathising as to why I might be worried. We talked about her mortgage on the house we live in and what would happen if she passed away - she's in her early 60s, my aunt is in her late 60s. I did really well at school and had a great job so if I was well I could more than support myself - I just wonder why I'm in this hellish situation - why I had to get so sick, so young and be trapped in this situation. Even to get myself to a counsellor I need mum to drive me. More specifically with my aunt, she has for years baited, goaded, threatened, and manipulated me. She will make sure i'm ignored or pushed out of conversations when it's mum, her and I like I'm still a child - or talk about me in the third person like i'm not there. Because I didn't have Dad around and mum worked as a single parent my aunt sort of took on the other parent role and I was often sent to stay with her. She has been a high functioning alcoholic but from young childhood I have been exposed to her barbed comments and inappropriate behaviour while drunk. In the last 10 years she has started behaving that way even while sober. Mum doesn't set any boundaries and will get drunk with her 'to keep the peace' although mum has been a high functioning alcoholic too (keeping full time work, managing bills/groceries etc) and only really pulled back in the last 3 years. I've never been physically abused but emotionally my aunt is actively abusive and it's like mum just isn't there - emotionally unavailable and refuses to empathise. I have to explain over and over, crying to the point I feel like I don't want to live and she soothes me with hugs but in the end she seems incapable of understanding why I'm so upset. I feel like she thinks I'm oversensitive and a bit crazy. It really tests my sanity. I feel so much pain because I feel she ought to stick up for me but she doesn't, so it's not just no validation it's actual trying to persuade me to say that everything's normal, although she has moments when she has 'clarity' and agrees with me but she tends to say what I want to hear then go behind my back. I'm really upset because I found a letter she recently wrote to my aunt that shows what she really thinks. She says to my aunt: "One difficulty has been , I think, that you haven't wanted to hurt anyone and so have not spoken up at times if you have been upset about something... .pretending everything is okay to avoid arguing or talking things through doesn't work - even with the very best intentions. It's the pretending that everything is ok that's at the crux of the problem love. Sooner or later all the things that didn't get said turn to bitterness and anger and hurt becomes resentment. It's only natural. The unspoken things lead us to believe that we are dealing with a bad person who doesn't care about us, and doesn't deserve what they have (*that's me*). Unfortunately in the past, resentment and hurt has bubbled out with a few bubbles (my aunt's drink of choice is champagne). I agree that a glass or two when stressed or relaxing is what everyone does, however there have been times when things unsaid have surfaced, and not in a healthy way... .this isn't my issue to resolve and i am very uncomfortable being in the middle. I am taking a risk by writing this letter so this will be my first and only involvement. I want my family back." My aunt doesn't express her feelings well but what has happened between her and i is not what my mother describes. My aunt verbally attacks me at times when I am relaxed and not expecting it and about things that are designed to hurt me - like revealing a colour competition I thought i won back when i stayed with her when I was 7 years old was actually a thing that every kid won and got a prize for and that i wasn't special. She brought this one up two years ago (aged 28) so nothing to do with unspoken current hurts. Also mum's description of my aunt's drinking is significantly toned down. She routinely drinks two bottles or more by herself - starting at midday until she's very drunk and starts saying antagonistic and provocative things. She has angled conversations with me so that I agree with her that mum doesn't have her life together very well and that she (my aunt) is much more stable and accomplished. I've told mum this but it's like she refuses to accept it. What can I do if she refuses to see reality? In the letter my mum mentions a private conversation they'd had about my aunt coming to visit us (which she never mentioned to me) and said she'd love for that to happen but maybe not right now because *I'm* being difficult. My mum has a history of taking action that affects both of us without consulting me when she knows I won't like it. So I am genuinely worried she could arrange for my aunt to come here without telling me until the last minute when I can't stop it. I wrote a letter to my aunt recently after she sent me a short message asking for a truce and that we move on because the situation is stressing the family (her and mum). But there is no recognition of the stress she causes when she is in my life. It is further complicated because my aunt can be very sweet, kind and supportive. She is very emotionally intelligent which is why it's so painful when she sets about pushing my buttons because I know she knows what she is doing. I would say she is more emotionally intelligent than mum. So mum thinks of that side to her and sees me as unreasonable and ungrateful however my aunt doesn't attack her and I'm sure only really shows her the sweet side. Mum has witnessed bits of the other side but chooses to ignore it and excuse it away as repressed hurts which makes my aunt seem the victim. The thing is, I am much younger but have done so much work on my emotions through counselling that I believe I have a strong sense of self but they are breaking me down and the illness really makes it incredibly hard to live any kind of life that fits a more sane model of existence. I think I will leave it there. I was up all night crying but to be honest I'm so unwell that I can't sustain the stress of being really upset for long - it's very draining. It makes me want to give up. I've had depression before but this is different, it's a sense of utter futility and that my life hasn't allowed me any leeway to escape. If my health was better I would not feel like giving up. It's situational but I can't see how or when it's going to get better (unless my aunt died, which is awful to say but I feel she has pushed me for so long that I have closed my heart to protect myself... .I tried for years just putting up with it because i know i'm strong and i know she had an awful childhood but it's like a poison that keeps eating into you and was breaking me down) so I'm in a bad place really. Thank you for reading. Title: Re: chronic illness and family dysfunction Post by: Kwamina on June 10, 2015, 12:30:26 PM Hi again cupotea
You were having a hard time when you posted this. How are things now? Having chronic health problems at a young age can be very hard to deal with. I have chronic health issues myself that have limited me and which also made me even more more dependent on my undiagnosed BPD mom. We have an article here about reality acceptance skills that perhaps can also help you as you deal with your chronic health issues. Here's an excerpt: Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event. You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive. It's a negative that just won't become a positive. And you're miserable. When that happens, practice reality acceptance. So what are you going to practice? First, you're going to practice accepting radically. You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason. You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason. And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it. You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life. In order to do that, you're going to have to turn your mind over and over and over. When you reach the fork in the road, with pain in the middle of it, turn your mind to acceptance. Away from rejection. And practice willingness. Practicing willingness means recognizing that you are part of life, that you are connected to things. But it's more than that. It's not just recognizing that you're part of life but it's actually agreeing to be part of life. These are the skills of reality acceptance. It sounds easy. Well, probably doesn't sound easy, probably sounds hard. It is hard. It's really hard. All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at. There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it. I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.' That day is not going to come. This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives. The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first. If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it. So find something small. Practice on that. The willfulness, notice it. You could start by counting it. Slowly try to replace it. Radical acceptance, notice when you are not accepting. You could start with counting it. Slowly try to replace it. Turning the mind, write yourself a note. Put it somewhere in your house. Put it on the refrigerator. All you have to write is 'Turn the Mind'. Put it up. Try to practice it. Practice it every time you open the refrigerator. If you keep practicing these skills, they do get easier. It's really the truth - they do. You'll get better at it. Life will get easier. Alright, so those are the skills. Radical acceptance - remember the word radical - complete, total, all the way. Turning the mind over and over and over and over. And willingness - entering life with willingness. Now, I know that these are really difficult skills. They, they've been difficult for me. They are difficult for everybody I know. And the facts of the matter are, every single person I know is practicing these skills. But I think if you practice them you'll find over time, may take a while, maybe slower than you want, but I think you're going to find them really helpful . The secret is, don't reject them right away. Don't reject them if you don't feel better right away or somehow your life isn't worth living right this minute. These skills take time to work. But, if you keep at it, I think they will work. Here's the link to the entire article: From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0) Title: Re: chronic illness and family dysfunction Post by: Leaving on June 10, 2015, 02:29:56 PM CupOfTea,
I know that feeling of futility and hopelessness. I know the feeling of being trapped- which is what I think is worse than any other feeling. I'm stuck in a really bad marriage for the moment and although I'm NC with my mother and brother, it doesn't make me happy knowing that I don't have any family for support. I wake up every morning and I put one foot in front of the other and I just do what I can and what is necessary for me to keep moving forward and hopefully out of here soon. You're in a difficult situation, no doubt about it, but you're not powerless to protect yourself. You're also not powerless to your Aunt or anyone else simply because you are dependent on others or welfare. Please don't look at your circumstances that way. Everyone has to live somewhere, most everyone has some sort of income. Your income may come from a different source than someone else's but it doesn't make you less important. You are intelligent, your mind is strong even though your body is not. Use your mind to help you set boundaries. It's not uncommon for family members to choose denial and I know it hurts when our own parent doesn't validate or respect our feelings but I've learned that we really don't need their validation. Some folks are not strong like we are. To live in truth, requires immense courage, strength and integrity and obviously your mother is not as strong as you are. From reading your words, I believe you are very strong. Speak your truth and if others won't respect your needs then you will have to set those boundaries for yourself regardless... .like not having dinner at the table if your aunt is present, not socializing with her. I know it's not easy but it's temporary. Tell your mother that you don't appreciate that she makes decisions that impact your life without discussing them with you. Tell your mother that it's not your problem that she doesn't want to take sides... .that you don't expect her to take sides, that you realize this is her sister but that she must also understand that if your aunt comes, you're not going to socialize with her on any level. Try to stay very unemotional and objective and think like a victor, not a victim. Easier said than done, I know. But, I've been practicing this for a year now and as they say, practice makes perfect ( or almost perfect ). I'm getting there. You will too Title: Re: chronic illness and family dysfunction Post by: cupotea on June 15, 2015, 10:28:34 AM Hi Leaving, thanks for your comment. I'm sorry you know the feeling of being trapped. It's very unpleasant. I agree that I'm stronger than my mother in the sense that I can't pretend to smooth things over, it's just not good for me and I feel it physically when I suppress my emotions. That said, I'm very good at appearing impassive and unreactive but my aunt knows how to get passed my defenses very effectively. If I were to be around her and block her out, because of the lack of support from my mother, they would make me out to be unreasonable and abusive because I'm the one not falling in line with the myth of congeniality and normality. So my hope is that I don't have to be in her presence and I told my mother that I need that and she agreed although I never 100% trust/believe her as she tends to say what she knows people want to her because she can't handle the confrontation of dealing with someone else's negative feelings or her own. I think I have a lot of anger and hurt to process for being the victim of abuse but also the scapegoat for calling it out. It's the kind of thing that can drive you mad let alone break your heart. Thankfully as you say I believe my mind is strong, I've had enough independent adult years with healthy friendships to know the difference and I know my family relationships are dysfunctional and no one in it except me wants to believe it. As I type my aunt has sent me a package in the mail out of nowhere. I asked my mum if she knew what it was as they talk on the phone regularly but she said she doesn't. It's probably a gift but considering our last contact was my No Contact letter a month or so ago to which she hasn't replied, I'm wondering whether to open it or not. I wish she'd just leave me alone as it seems every time I resolve myself to detach for my own peace she pops back up somehow. She also has provided for me materially quite often so I think it's part of her positive self image... .being the provider, then of course if I don't express gratitude I can be painted as ungrateful and spoilt. The fact she sent it means I have to act in some way. I will most likely open it but I'm suffering severe insomnia now as a result of the stress that led me to join this forum a few weeks ago so I know my body can't handle much more. Like I said I wish she'd leave me alone. Even deeper than that I wish she'd heal and be honest about everything but my older, less naive inner knowing says that is extremely unlikely to happen.
|