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Hi everyone, I think I just need to talk with people who are going through the same thing, I just read about breaking up with a borderline and recognized him and myself totally... .and I feel like people around me don't understand, that they're thinking well the Relationship was so bad (particularly in the last months) that you're just better off without him! and most people just was the good sides of him, funny, smart, caring, creative and imaginative... .Yet I feel so much pain and I miss him... .We've been together almost a year and a half, and I can say the first 10 months were like a fairytale, like I finally met the perfect guy... .he was sweet, sensitive, affectionate, passionate, I was the greatest and most beautiful woman on earth, he made me laugh, was always there for me, wanted to be with me all the time, even talked about marriage and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I guess I should have seen it was too good to be true... .I guess I was also the perfect bait for a borderline as I've always had difficult love relationships in the sense that I am rather insecure and don't have the strongest seld-esteem. So I was in heaven and thought I finally met the perfect guy for me, he was always reassuring me and telling me he loved me and how great and beautiful I was, was texting me all day long, making my lunches, writing me notes, bringing me little gifts... .This lasted for about ten months, with a few irrational and out-of-nowhere temper bouts that I thought were strange, but went away fast and I kind of did not want to see a problem, I guess... .the rest of the Relationship was so great... .There was also a marijuana issue, he had told me in the beginning that he was smoking but that he wanted to stop, and he swore to me after a few weeks he was not smoking anymore, and I believed him. Looking back, I feel very guilty and naive that I believed him... .Well for those 10 months, I did not see any signs of smoking, maybe he really stopped for a while, but after these 10 months, I suspected he was smoking again, he was down most of the time, sleepy and grumpy, I thought it was the pot affecting him. I confronted him and he said he was not smoking, but I knew he was, I could smell it sometimes. That's when things started being very confusing and when the roller coaster started and never stopped. When I finally had the confirmation he was smoking again and with his attitude towards me being so unstable, sometimes so loving and sometimes so distant, I decided to ask for a break... .hell started then, back in January, until a few days ago. While he was calling me and texting me that he did not want to lose me, crying, that I was a wonderful person etc. he was also now not wanting to get back with me in a stable Relationship, saying he was afraid because of all 'what we did to each other'... .that was always his reason for him not to get back together for real, meaning he was going to his apartment a few times a week. Then the round of breaking up and getting back together lasted for almost 5 months, a hell ride, alternating between great moments where we had fun together and I felt so loved and so in love and where he was like the guy I first met, where I truly believed that we were perfect together, and then he was getting angry for nothing and always ended up turning things like it was me who initiated all that trouble and he was packing up the things he had here and left to go home, but then after texting me or calling me, like nothing happened. But always he would remind me that we could not live together or really think of a future together, because of the conflict, the 'things that we do to each other'. He was also very very jealous, to the point where it was insulting to me, like he thought I would sleep with any guy that would ask me... .In the end, things got very bad, he was making comments that made me feel like I was stupid, and when I would react to it like a normal person, saying wo don't talk to me like that, he would start a fight and turn it like it was me who initiated the whole thing and was looking for conflict. In fact, I felt like he was looking for it, anything could get him angry and down, small normal things would set him off and I was left completely confused, like where did this come from? he was all over me, then very distant, and would say contradictory things all the time, like one day I was perfect, he could not find anything he did not like about me, and the next day, if we had a disagreement (meaning he burst in anger for no reason and I replied), he would find things that I did not do for him... .I did not come to open the door when he arrived, I was not affectionate enough, or did not initiate sex enough... .He did not feel loved enough... .We had a very active and good sex life, and yet he would sometimes tell me he was not satisfied... .and sometimes he was... .Strangely or not... .I did not realize he was borderline until just a few weeks ago... .did not really know what this illness was until a friend of mine who I was talking to told me to look on the internet for borderline disorder... .and then I recognized him and my Relationship totally... .3 days ago, he came at my place after work and things were ok... .he was distant though and suddenly started talking about how it was hard for him that our Relationship was so fragile... .and that's when I hit my limit... .I have been so understanding and helping him in every way (a little financially but thank god I knew deep Inside I should not lend him money) and always being there for him and giving him a lot, and yet he was always questioning our Relationship... .questioning my loyalty while it was him who had been lying to me... .and he was always thinking there was a negative thought behind everything I did or say, while in reality I just wanted things to work between us, I just wanted things back like they were in the beginning... .find that connection back that was so great... .and I'm a very supportive person, caring and honest. Now it's over, I know it is over, I realize he's sick but I've been having a hard time... .crying, missing him, trying not to think of the good times, but it's very confusing and sad. He's been calling me and texting the day after, leaving me a message crying saying it's hard, I've ___ed up, I don't know how I'm going to get trough this... .I did not answer and then he called me like nothing, just telling me how his day was, and that he wanted to hear my voice. Then a text message saying that he would like to talk to me tomorrow, that he's afraid I'm over him, that he's afraid I met someone else. For me it's unreal, like I'm so not ready to meet someone else, what does he think? Then no news since 2 days... .Ever after breaking up, I'm still in the roller coaster... .I find myself hoping that he's gonna contact me, even though I realize it's a toxic Relationship and I need to get out of this. Wow I've never been so confused in my life! Sorry for the long post, I tried to summarize as much as I could, but that was such a confusing Relationship... .thank you for reading... .

Hi Yolanda123,

*welcome*

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. There's no need for the apology about the length of your post. We often arrive here frustrated and confused with a lot to get off of our chests.

It sounds like the people around you are maybe trying to help and may very well be invalidating. He's someone that you care about and you're commited to your relationship.

BPD is a complex and serious disorder and the person that suffers from it are triggered by what they want most - intimacy. Many of the behaviors are defense mechanisms and tend to be self destructive. At the core of the disorder is a narcissistic wound, abandonment, abandonment fears the core wound of abandonment. His jealousy is likely very frustrating and he fears that people will eventually abandon him - perceived or real.

I can understand feeling naive. We tend to often overlook the bad and mostly look at the good in the initial stages of a relationship - the infatuation stage. You read the article on breaking up with a borderline. The idealization stage varies for members, it's short w some and longer for others. I have read longer than 10 months up to a year and a half or so.

I can understand how wonderful that stage feels with the attention and the thoughtful little things that make us feel special. My ex partner did similar things and I do recall her explosive anger that came from nowhere.

It has to be hard listening to his voice and the pleas, it would pull at the heartstring and the urge to contact when you don't hear from your ex partner as toxic as the r/s was. You're on the Undecided board and you can choose to stop the bleeding and step back and look at the bigger picture. The Leaving board will also help with detaching, make sense of the painful and confusing experience and rebuild yourself.

It helps to talk.


----Mutt

Thank you Mutt

You're welcome Yolanda. You must feel confused from all of this? It has to be hard to read the article and come to terms with mental illness. Did you find that all of the behaviors started to click into place and make sense?

Has he called after having not called for two days?

How are you feeling? Are you taking care of yourself?

This is your introduction post and you can talk about whatever is on your mind. This is a place where we can discuss openly without being invalidated from our experiences and feelings. I understand how hard it can be when people don't understand and I think you have to have gone through it to get it. Many of us share similar experiences and can offer guidance and support.

Hi Mutt

The more I read here, the less confused I become, as I see so many things in retrospect and can now understand why he was acting like this. So much energy went in trying to understand what was going on and trying to make things better, and also trying to make sense with all the contradictions. Had I done something wrong? I could not figure out what, how come did he see me as a manipulative person, why did he seem to see me as a person with bad intentions, and wanting to cheat on him, and the next day or even hour saying he admired me so much for who I was, for my integrity and honesty and fidelity... .I see more clearly now that it was his disease and had nothing to do with me. But what is confusing to me and hard now is all the positive things he said were also his disease so I have no idea of how he sees me and if he ever really loved me or cared about me... .I feel like I've been used and like who I really am did not matter to him... .everything is so distorted. No text and no calls in almost 48 hours... .that's a record in our Relationship as he was a real serial texter  lol it made me feel like I was important and needed... .I guess I might have been painted black now, as I've read in other posts... .I am craving contact with him, but at the same time, my reason is telling me it's much better to avoid contacts, as he's a very good actor and I'm afraid I might be drawn back to him.  For the last 3 days, I've been feeling sometimes relieved that I'm not walking on eggshells anymore, just to know that tomorrow there won't be drama in my life is good, and sometimes feeling really sad, missing his good sides and trying to make sense of what happened. I feel like a tornado came into my life 

I get it. I knew nothing about abnormal psychology and personality disorders until after the r/s was over. I couldn't make sense of the odd behaviors. I recall a difficult week with terrible rails and I was frustrated because I couldn't communicate with my ex and make peace. I recall waking up and making my way to the kitchen and my wife was there and she was telling how much she loved me and I was actually offended because she was blaming me for things I had not done the entire week.

He's accusing you of cheating and then contradicting himself with validating your fidelity. I think it's dichotomous thinking it black and white thinking with a pwBPD. You are either all good or all bad. A pwBPD have difficulties seeing the grey areas in life and in people. They push the people that are closet to them and have unstable and chaotic inter-personal relationships. One way we can view being split black is that you mean something to that person that suffers from BPD.

I can understand how frustrating the emotional rollercoaster is with the push / pull behavior and the need to want to talk to him. You've been away from him for a couple of days are likely feeling like there's less chaos and drama, things feel a little more peaceful and you're still attached.

You may of been waiting for that person that idealized you at the beginning of the relationship to come back. I waited several years for the women that I fell in love with to return. I think it's important to let go of the idea for that person to come back. A relationship where we're put on a pedestal is an unhealthy one. He lacks a stable sense of self and needs an attachment to survive. The idealization phase and is how a borderline attaches.

Thank you Mutt for answering to me. Today during my lunch I read some of the articles about the No contact rules, etc. The thing is he leaves two blocks  away from my workplace and what I dreaded after almost 3 days with no contact at all, I was afraid he was gonna show up... .and that's exactly what happened as I walked towards my car he just appeared behind me and said hi I was just coming back from work and I did not want to avoid you and wanted to know how you're doing... .I was completely lost and did not know what to say... .we exchanged how are you's and he told me about his weekend, then he asked if I was seeing someone else. I replied that no, I was so not ready to meet someone else. This seems so pointless to me as this is so not the problem... .I could see he was nervous and was waiting for me to say something... .I did not know what to say, I said take care of you, he said 'things could have worked out between us, there were just little details... .In that sentence I now understand he's meaning there were just little things about you that made me unhappy... .just little things but there was always a reason for him to pack up and go and to not commit in the Relationship and to tell me he was confused... .I replied we tried everything, we both did our best and it did not work out, we both know it would not work out. I guess I wanted to let him know it's over for good this time, but not wanting to put blame on him and start a discussion we've had so many times... .He then told me that no, he did not do his best and tried as much as he could have. Then he just left with a sad face... .I called him and said I don't like you doing this, you come talk to me and make me feel like I did something bad to you... .he said no you did not do anything wrong but I could see in his face that he was upset. I said bye and left. I'm confused now and I am not sure I said the right things... .can you please help and tell me how I should act and what I should say/not say if this happens again? Thanks in advance

I guess I just want to get out of this Relationship and have peace in my mind and don't want any of us to be hurt more than we already have... .I feel sorry for him and still feel love for him and I don't want to hurt him but I feel there's nothing I can do that can be good for him... .or for me... .and I don't believe much of what he tells me anymore... .I guess I'm confused 

Hi Yolanda123,

I can see how that would be awkward taken by surprise and not knowing what to say. I think we manage the best that we can when we're unprepared and there's no right or wrong.

If I may suggest, Joe Carver suggests to act boring, share less and act detached. There are three stages with ending the relationship and the first stage is the detachment. One way of responding if he approaches you or contacts you again; you could  say "I've felt confused lately", lay low for several months and not start another relationship.



Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm)

Thank you, this helps a lot.

You're welcome  :)

And then he was there again tonight waiting for me in the parking lot at the end of my workday... .he was sitting on the fence and pretending to talk on the phone and just hang up when I came up close to him. He said sorry I did not mean to come talk to you, I'm coming back from work... .I just said hi I can't talk I have an appointment. He said you know, I felt a lot of stress with money short and work and feeling the pressure to have to come to your place weeknights (he does not have a car so had to take the bus) and he softly touched my arm and looked at me with these sweet and loving eyes... .that I had not seen a lot lately... .The thing is in the last months of our Relationship, he was going to his apartment at least 2 or 3 nights a week, and I did not put any pressure on him, I actually felt relieved some nights to just have time by myself without having to walk on eggshells. It was him 90% of the time who called the shots and deciding when we would see each other during the week. If I just suggested Are you going to your apartment tonight? then he would say I feel you're becoming more distant, etc. etc and he would be suspiscious texting me all night and calling and asking if I was alone, if another guy had approached me that day, etc. So maybe he wants to test if I'm still receptive to him and to getting back together? I've been trying the last days to stay focused on the fact that getting out of this relationship is the best thing I could do and reminding me of all the bad things that went on, the imprevisibility, the anger and the jealousy and the constant analyzing of everything I said or did in a negative way, but I have these moments where I really miss the good guy I fell in love with and the daily calls and texts and the intimacy... .I'm confused asking myself did this sweet, nice, smart, funny, attentive guy was for real or just a fabrication? and the love and the connection, was that all fake on his side? Like I was just a tool for him to feed his disease... .I don't know anymore who is this guy and I am even a little afraid of him showing up like that... .It's bringing up emotions I don't want to feel now, like wishing that previous guy was still there, and at the same time I feel sorry for him. So confused once again, but I know I certainly can't go back in this Relationship, that is the one thing that is clear in my mind.

Hi Yolanda123,


I can understand how it's confusing. He did ask a probing question about how your relationship status was and I do think he's following up.

I do think that you have the right idea that the idealization phase is a pwBPD relinquishing control to attach. We have to let go of the ideal that the person that we met in the idealization stage is going to return. He lacks a stable sense of self and the false self is a sort of mask that hides his suffering and pain. He has an authentic self buried that only he could find in therapy. Is he in therapy?

Is there another spot that you can park perhaps?

Unfortunately I can't park anywhere else... .I work downtown and we have specific parking lots assigned with stickers... .

He's not in therapy... .I actually suggested once that we go together and I went by myself, and he was not open at all to go and did not like the fact that I went... .said we were able to address our problems ourselves and saw the fact I went as something against him, he said I should talk to him instead of a stranger.

It sounds like he's not ready to commit to therapy, only he can commit. He may very well show up again at your workplace. It must be uncomfortable for you that he's trying to talk to you this way.