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My ex refused to tell me where she went on vacation with my daughter for a week. my week is coming up for vacation, my ex hasn't asked me where im going yet but im sure it will come up.

I feel like the right thing to do is tell her where we are going but part of me is pulling at the idea that I should keep that info to myself to show her how it feels to be left in the dark.  My hopes would be that she would learn a lessen from that but I don't think she will and if anything it will more then likely trigger her and cause more trouble down the line.

Im pretty sure that when she asks me im going to tell her where we are going and just tell her I don't want her to feel worried about where her daughter will be like I had to.

Thoughts? 

It's part of the disorder that people with BPD won't learn lessons by having what they've done to someone done back to them. As far as she is concerned, she was truly well justified in her behavior but you are being mean and disrespectful of her roll as a parent if you do the same. It could also potentially trigger major overreactions from the disordered party (like her potentially calling the police in a panic telling them she's afraid for the child's safety in your care) and that wouldn't be worth dealing with for the satisfaction of trying to make her feel the way her behavior made you feel.

I would be equally as irritated in your shoes. What she pulled was really crappy. But the natural response of quid pro quo won't get you anywhere.

2 wrongs don't make a right. She is disordered. No reason for you to act disordered. Lead by example. Your kids ARE watching. Show them what a real man and a good Dad acts like.

Trust me I know how you feel. I struggle with wanting to teach my X a lesson ALL the time but you and I both know that it will fall on DEAF ears. Stay off of the Disordered Dance Floor and you will feel much better.

I think I'm writing this post as much for myself as I am for you!

MWC... .*)

I'm with these guys!

Just another thought... .

It is always beneficial to appear the parent who is behaving well in the eyes of the court... .

Not that I know if there are any court dates in your future, but document her poor behavior always, and then behave your best in return.

Do the right thing.

Vengance is not yours to meet out.

Karma is a beyach.

You don't want to kick that hornets nest and strike that kind of fear into her heart (where is my daughter).

That would be cruel.

ALTHOUGH she had no care or concern for you, your feelings, your wants, desires, or rights... .

Do not stoop to her level.

Your child is watching. Give her ONE good parent example, please.

I also wrote my response as much for Eco as for myself. The temptation to strike back is almost overwhelming. After years and years of having to jump whenever the BPD mom decided to snap her fingers we now finally have a situation that puts us in the driver's seat. But the kids ARE watching and the only way to show them their mom's behavior over the last ten years was wrong is to not behave that way ourselves. SD12 actually said to me the other day, "Mom could be nice to you, she just chooses not to be." And she said it in such a matter-of-fact tone that it is clear to me that she feels her mother has absolutely no obligation to treat anyone with any level of human decency if she doesn't want to. That this kid thinks that is perfectly understandable and acceptable makes me sad.

Right there with you!  We have to remind ourselves every time NOT to be her.  My SS15 sees it very clearly now.  He told me last week "my mom is accusing my dad of doing the exact same thing she did to him for ten years" and "he's not keeping me away from her.  I've been to visit her, I can talk to or text her whenever I want.  She just doesn't get it."

And she never will.  So, entertain yourself with fantasies of justice, but know that your daughter will appreciate everything you do for her. 

Having dealt with the whole " hide the child" thing on vacations here too. Mom says it's a staycation and then takes her out of town, only to be discovered after the fact.

Then for our vacation we provided a itinerary, and BPDm responded with " you aren't telling me the whole story" (projection much )

We just responded that we are being full disclosure and ignored it.

We are looking at more summer vacations coming up and we know we won't get her itinerary (she feels it's too intrusive) and then she demanded we let child call her daily while on our vacation. For me the whole idea of a vacation was "a vacation from BPDm" but she didn't see it that way of course.

Just provide a general outline, for example " we are going to be camping in a fifty mile radius" etc and leave it at that. If you are flying I feel it's only appropriate to send flight details as plane travel is a bigger deal. If we were going to be flying I would say " we are flying to Texas flight xyz and returning on flight xyz and visiting family."

It sucks to have the other parent be so childish with info then demand full disclosure back but as it was said above, be the example, not the follower. If it was wrong for her to do, it's wrong for you to do.

Hate that they get away with it, love that they hang themselves with their bad behavior in the end.

There is an end right? If not don't tell me, I want to be naive and hopeful.

Thanks everyone for the input :) These boards are great and so helpful for validation and sound advice. I didn't feel right about not telling my ex where I would be going on vacation for the simple fact that it isn't a right thing to do and I have to follow my values.  I needed to explore with in myself the fact that I wanted to go below my values and morals to " teach" my ex a lessen, Thanks everyone for sharing with me that im not alone in feeling that way.


very true, my daughter would more then likely pay the price by my ex getting triggered.




Ive always said this, it was blaring in the back of my mind


Yep that's what I keep reminding myself, In times like these I always look at my daughters picture and it always grounds me and calms me at the same time.


actually we are going back to court so I imagine it wouldn't look good for me. No time to drop to my exs level, not that any time is good for that




That's great that you guys are out from under BPD moms thumb, I wish you and the kids well. I imagine it will take some time to adjust and hopefully change the way they think about things. It is very sad to see what the kids go through, Im hopeful my daughter doesn't take on that same view as her moms who doesn't know how to treat people with decency as well.


That's great to hear that ss15 gets it, and very encouraging to me that my daughter may get it at some point


lol sounds like my ex, projection is strong with her.


Thanks that's a good idea about the vacation.


lol, Don't tell me either because im very hopeful