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Been thinking about that for some time.

To every one of my BPD exes I said "I will always love you no matter what" and meant it intentions wise at that moment. Of course, they told me the same thing.

But as time went by I was proven wrong every time. I don't love any of my BPD exes. In fact, if I was driving somewhere in the city and they were stranded there with their car broken down, I wouldn't stop. Well, if it was like the desert and there was threat to their life then I would. Otherwise, I'd let someone else help them.

So, yeah. But for a while (years in some cases) I did feel like I loved them and I felt like I will always love them.

But I do like to remember the good times we have had... .and my memory is real good at blocking out the bad times so all I remember are the good times now so it's nice to reminisce every now and then.

I guess what I really loved were the storybook fantasies that were created but not the people who created them because as events unfolded it was made obvious that it was not something that could be sustained.

How do you feel about your ex? Do you feel like a part of you will always love them like I did? Have you let them go completely and are indifferent to them now? Why do you think you feel the way you do?

How would you like to feel about your ex ideally?

I would say I am indifferent at this point but very cautious, avoiding any contact whatsoever, except for one. That one was less manipulative and devious so I guess I am holding less of a grudge against her. So if she came up to me, I would actually talk to her and be cordial cause she did a lot of very nice things for me and was a lot less manipulative than many others so mad props for that. But NO CHANCE would I get involved in anything with her.

EDIT: And as to why I don't love them anymore, I think it's just because for me personally I realized that it's pretty hard to love someone your whole life period. Memories of emotions fade. But when I realize I was misled, even harder to do. So, yeah. But on the other hand my good friends from childhood and earlier years I will always love even though I may not be in touch so yeah, I guess it has to do with realizing I'm dealing with a disorder rather than something real.

hey zeus,

in my own way, i have loved her post relationship by letting her go and accepting her mental illness, as well as clarifying my own role in the relationship.

but i feel similarly, in that i told my ex i loved her, and i meant it at the time. i truly believed id marry her and that she was the one for me. a couple of months out of the relationship i determined that neither of us, nor the relationship, met my definition of what love is.

(^i think this is important. we often get caught up in what a pwBPD meant or didnt mean at the time. a pwBPD meant it and believed it as much or more as we did at the time. thats highly useful to realize and admit).

there is a level of indifference in that i genuinely believe wishing her well is out of my control. i dont wish her harm though. i see the relationship with balance; it was more bad than good, but the good times arent tarnished or anything. they were good times. they just arent nostalgic. its actually very freeing to feel more or less neutral toward the relationship.

"In fact, if I was driving somewhere in the city and they were stranded there with their car broken down, I wouldn't stop. Well, if it was like the desert and there was threat to their life then I would. Otherwise, I'd let someone else help them."

|iiii

Yes. Well... .I wish I wouldn't love her... .Or that this shall pass... .one year and a few months.

I HATE my exBPD. I used to love her but later when she went nc it occured to me that she's plain evil. I met an another girl she made me realise that my exBPD is just a loser.

I really can't love her anymore and I never ever will. She thought I would beg her to take me back, instead I started to hate her. Why should I stay with a crazy partner who doesn't respect me if I can get a girl who's much better compared to my exBPD.

It was shown to me, thru word and deed, that my ex has no idea what love is. So no, he never loved me.

[quote[But I do like to remember the good times we have had... .and my memory is real good at blocking out the bad times so all I remember are the good times now so it's nice to reminisce every now and then.

I guess what I really loved were the storybook fantasies that were created but not the people who created them because as events unfolded it was made obvious that it was not something that could be sustained.[/quote]
In the wake of destruction that my ex left, I look back on "the good ole times" and realize that they were not as 'good' as I remembered. Most of them were just for show... .that his part of the 'good ole times' were either 100 fake, or were for his benefit... .it's very sad. I can't wait to start making NEW memories! Real ones!


Indifferent to angry.

Disgusted to nothing.

Embarrassed to ashamed

But there is nothing warm and fuzzy. Not memories, nothing... .


NO. What I was 'in love with' was a lie. I was in love with the 'mask and show' he put on.

When I discovered WHO and WHAT he really is?

No, based upon the definition of love, I do not love him.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.


Yes I have let him go (emotionally and mentally) and I am getting closer and closer to complete indifference every day. Why?

After the years, no... .decades of abuse, after the trauma he put me thru, what he did to our family?

I have no desire or need for that kind of person in my life, for any reason.


Absolutely nothing.

I would love to be about to walk past him on the street like I do a complete stranger and feel nothing... .

I pray the Lord will create in me a clean heart, one without anger, bitterness, etc.

One day I will have to see his face (kids weddings... .none planned, but it will happen) and I want to feel, nothing... .No anxiety, no panic attack, nothing.


The definition (above) of Love is real, and obtainable.

I have for real love for my kids, and that will never change.

I had for real love for my ex... .but that had to change.

For my own sanity, for my own life.

Edited to Add: This is why I have not dated or became involved with another man.

I have to 'sort' me out.

I do not want to jump into another relationship because I don't EVER want to 'compare' someone to the ex.

I would never (good or bad) want to be compared with another man's ex.

I do not want to repeat the same mistakes.

I want to be healed and whole.

No.  It was a brutal con,  he knew it,  he played me then mocked me and sneered at me for being so gullible and upset... .so much for the 'love'. According to him I am "so easy to lie to". It may have been projection but I took note and discovered a pathological liar.  Kinda hard to love that!

I was vulnerable because I believed in the 'him' he constructed for my benefit,  he was

hanging around my life like a parasite and I mistook his feigned sincerity and attention for some kind of humility and kindness.  Urrggh.  Yiccck

I feel like you with my ex. I don't hate her. Yes she can be annoying, especially now that we started negociations for the divorce. But Overall I don't feel anything for her really. I really loved her as much as I could, thinking I was strong enough to stay with someone wBPD. Soon after we broke it off, when she started seeing somebody else, something was broken. Ever since I don't have feelings for her. I cannot deny we had some great times and like you I'd rather focus on the good than the bad. But I cannot bring myself to care for her. That's why from my end, NC is easy to maintain, I've decided that my life is too short to waste anymore time with her. I am not and will never be emotionally available for her ever again.

Thanks for the thought-provoking post. Struggles with loving ex-partners wBPD have come up on the boards often.

There are many definitions of love and, depending on who you ask, several forms of love. Love for a good friend is thought to be different from love for a parent and love for a romantic partner, etc.  Rollo May is one author who has written about different forms of love, in Love and Will.

Also, what about love (or at the very least compassion) for a suffering human being? The science suggests that causes of BPD include genetic predispositions in addition to environmental influences, including parenting and traumatic events as possible contributing factors. The don't believe that pwBPD just set out to be "evil" people; who would choose to live a life of chaotic relationship, emptiness, a poor sense of self, paranoid delusions, depression, and suicidal and self-harming thoughts.

There is some information here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/cause-borderline-personality-disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/cause-borderline-personality-disorder)

This published suggests that oxytocin (associated with attachment) might trigger distrust in pwBPD, possibly explaining why pwBPD become so distrusting of those to whom they become close:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/cause-borderline-personality-disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/cause-borderline-personality-disorder)

I feel terrible for my ex. I feel terrible that I became a trigger for her dysregulation. I know that I cannot help her at this point. However, my love for her was/is real, and I hope that she finds the help that she needs to live a happier life, ending the brutal inner turmoil that she seems to have dealt with her entire life.


Who were "the people who created them"? I am very much guilty of creating a fantasy about my uBPDgf. I engaged in idealization early in the relationship. Having time now and looking back, I missed and outright dismissed many red-flag that were present.

Hi Zeus

I love her - but am not in love with her.

I want her to get well for the sake of her kid.

I'm happy with where I am mentally in terms of my feelings for her.  Like you, I can't be properly in love with a person who simply doesn't add up. 

I'd probably think it's an elaborate ploy to get me to break NC with them, haha.  :)

It totally fits into the bag of tricks of some of the women I have met.

Yeah, I went through periods like that too. If there is any kind of reminder of her, I wouldn't say it's hate but it definitely is a negative emotion and I just want to push her away or want her to disappear.

So I can definitely identify with that.

Yes, I identify with that. I am indifferent to most of my exes when there is no reminder of them.

But if they try to contact me... .the best way to describe my feeling towards them is... .contempt.

With one exception because like I said she was less manipulative and did a lot more nicer things for me.

For the rest of them it's contempt. I wouldn't stop or say hi, nothing.

I'm glad you're on the path to healing though and the nightmare is over... .

Yeah, NC is easy for me now but it wasn't always this way... .

Yes, absolutely. I still keep missing them even after all this experience. The reality is (for me anyway), if I like someone enough, I will try to find ways to look away for as long as I can.

Huge romance then it crashes down in flames.

But yes, absolutely. This fantasy was something I really wanted so in a way I got exactly what I signed up for. I take responsibility for that.

To answer the original question:

Yes. I will always love her. I'm still madly in love with her. I miss her.

But she treats me terribly. She lied to me about everything. She tried to get me in trouble with the police and ruin my life.

Loving her is not an act of self-mutilation. Until she shows signs that she sincerely wants to change, I will love her from a safe distance.

My friend, how did you wind up with more than one?  

Do I love her?  That's an odd question.  I did at one time, but I may have been more infatuated with her... .or playing the Mr. Codependent trying to fix her issues.  She was particularly good in bed, so sex was definitely a stranglehold on me without a doubt.  

But since I have been away from her and been able to "figure out" who the hell I am (her accusations and brutality made me doubt it), I'm doing just fine without her.  I've got a good woman in my life now.  She sure as hell isn't borderline thank god.  

Did I have good times with her?  Yeah.  About 80% of the times were good... .maybe great!  But the 20% of her psychotic behavior and the eggshell walking?  SO NOT WORTH IT!  

Like you, I'd probably stop if her life was in danger, but that's about it.  :)o I care about her?  Sure.  I shared a lot of nice moments with her, and she was genuinely good to me as well... . But man... .she did some positively AWFUL things to me.  She hurt me in ways that I cannot describe.  That I was shocked!  Shocked that someone could be that cruel.  I blew me away cause I'd known her for 15 years and I thought she cared about me.  

She's continued to spiral from what I have heard.  Hopefully this last episode will get her some help (and a diagnosis of BPD).  I feel for her, but she has refused to help herself mostly.  

I don't know there is anything she could do that would make me emotionally available to her again.  On any level.  She burned those bridges and I'm not running down to home depot to get anything to repair it.  Best to let it ride.


I'd be really careful with that.  It sounds like there's even a microbial chance you'd take her back, "shows signs" and "wants to change".  She's still got her snares in you.  Honestly, mine did too.  Only reason I realize this?  My roommate watched me go back and forth with her... .I said the same things.  He said "You still haven't had enough.  When you have had enough you won't say that".  It was hard to hear, but he was absolutely right.  It took her really doing some bad things to get my attention.  I don't say that in any way anymore.

Please don't take that as being critical, it's just an observation on my part.  I could and often am wrong.  Moving on is the best thing I ever did.

I'm not sure if I ever did "love" my ex I think I did but I was not "in love with her" rather I love and crave the hole she filled for me

Its not that I think she is not  "loveable" just that there was always something "off" for me about her something didn't feel right I still can't explain it


I just want to not want her that will be great all the hurt to go away and the sunshine to come out  :)

My friend, how did you wind up with more than one?  

Do I love her?  That's an odd question.  I did at one time, but I may have been more infatuated with her... .or playing the Mr. Codependent trying to fix her issues.  She was particularly good in bed, so sex was definitely a stranglehold on me without a doubt.  

But since I have been away from her and been able to "figure out" who the hell I am (her accusations and brutality made me doubt it), I'm doing just fine without her.  I've got a good woman in my life now.  She sure as hell isn't borderline thank god.  

Did I have good times with her?  Yeah.  About 80% of the times were good... .maybe great!  But the 20% of her psychotic behavior and the eggshell walking?  SO NOT WORTH IT!  

Like you, I'd probably stop if her life was in danger, but that's about it.  :)o I care about her?  Sure.  I shared a lot of nice moments with her, and she was genuinely good to me as well... . But man... .she did some positively AWFUL things to me.  She hurt me in ways that I cannot describe.  That I was shocked!  Shocked that someone could be that cruel.  I blew me away cause I'd known her for 15 years and I thought she cared about me.  

She's continued to spiral from what I have heard.  Hopefully this last episode will get her some help (and a diagnosis of BPD).  I feel for her, but she has refused to help herself mostly.  

I don't know there is anything she could do that would make me emotionally available to her again.  On any level.  She burned those bridges and I'm not running down to home depot to get anything to repair it.  Best to let it ride.


I'd be really careful with that.  It sounds like there's even a microbial chance you'd take her back, "shows signs" and "wants to change".  She's still got her snares in you.  Honestly, mine did too.  Only reason I realize this?  My roommate watched me go back and forth with her... .I said the same things.  He said "You still haven't had enough.  When you have had enough you won't say that".  It was hard to hear, but he was absolutely right.  It took her really doing some bad things to get my attention.  I don't say that in any way anymore.

Please don't take that as being critical, it's just an observation on my part.  I could and often am wrong.  Moving on is the best thing I ever did.  We have all been there. 

Just has to do with chemistry I think.

I'd most certainly be dead if I had to go through that again.

it's impossible to truly love someone who doesn't exist

we fell in love with a façade... .more specifically, we fell in love with the way they made us feel about ourselves... .

their 'love' was based on need... .one of the hardest, most denied realities we nons face in the years post-breakup is that our 'love' for them was also based on need.

ironically, this is the 'gift' of the relationship: learning how to finally love ourselves

I dont love my ex and I dont think I loved my ex for a year or so before our relationship ended... .my ex got pretty violent and tried to ruin my life... .how in the world can you love a person like that?  I have been in love before and felt love before so the love bombing didnt feel all that different to me... .she was not the love of my life no matter how pretty she is.  And as far as memories go memorable moments were few and far between... .Im someone who enjoyed life and going out with her I was paranoid she would find something to be pissed about as she had a habit of ruining vacations... .this women had nothing to offer but her sexuality... .so why do I still think about her everyday after over two months?  _ have no clue!

I concur. I'd be dead too.

No, I hate her. I truly do.  I hate her! I know that's not healthy, but I do. She's the most selfish jerk I have ever met. Everything revolves around her.

Maybe one day the hate will subside. But I can't say I will "love" her; maybe tolerate the memory of her eventually.  

Antelope's post sums it up for me. These people are chimeras.

Yes I will. My love for him is Forever. It hurts being without him, but I guess it could not have been prevented.  The more they love you, the more they distrust and hate you. He also made an effort.  He will always be my friend even though I left... .

This is GREAT!

I have recently realized that not only do I not love her, I never did love her.  It was something else, not love.  I am just now beginning to apprehend what love is, I think, and what I had for 20 years with the dBPD ex wife definitely not love.  I'm happy to accept any criticism for it, too.  I "loved" something like those life-sized cardboard cutouts we all used to see in Blockbuster Video to promote movies.  She was not a real, whole person, ever... .

My blood pressure was like 185/101.  That was pretty scary cause I'm usually a 140/75 kind of guy.  I was having chest pain dealing with her garbage.  In fact, scared that I was going to have a stroke.  Lying to myself about what the cause was.  I went to a doctor about the pain... .ordered an EKG and then a stress test.  The tests came back that I was fine.  Tech asked me... ."so, you got something really stressful in your life that might aggravate this?"  I had to toss the truth around in my head that it was from the BPD in my life although I as in total denial still.   Doc asked me the same thing a few weeks later... .Mind you this was during the last devaluation cycle where we were apart.  It took one more over the top crazy episode with her going to jail for PI, DC and DV to finally wake me up. (and $4k damage to my car).  There's no doubt my life was in danger.  Whether it was from a physical attack from her, or the stress killing me.  It made for some fun times getting involved with another woman... .My fear of BPD did a number.  I know where you guys are coming from.

After I got away from her?  It went back down to normal.  Funny how that happens.  


Mine reminds me of the mannequins that Will Smith is talking to in the video store in "I am Legend".  She's kind of like that.  When she's devaluing she is heartless, cold, cruel... .without thought to any consequence... .mean spirited, spiteful... .will do just about anything... .or say anything she can to hurt you.  About everything you could not want in someone.

I will miss the "mother daughter love" part. I know that sounds weird.  She was supposed to be my lover.

Towards the end I was in such caregiver mode she had zapped the romance right out of me. I had been cheated on so many times and hurt so badly.

No because she treated me like sh1t and I'm now far better off.

I mean, honestly, no. She made her decisions. She made the decision to get police on me. Made the decision to go silent. Made the decision that she would never speak to me again and leave me completely and utterly eliminated from her life. She made the decision to tell me she didn't love me anymore. I will only love someone who makes an effort on their end.

She made her choices, that's all I see here. You know? She made her decisions and they have consequences. Why does she get to be loved when I'm 'painted black'? Doesn't seem very fair to me.

So, no. Because of her decisions. I can not, and will not love her.

Yes,  I will always love him.  I was young when  I met him and he has truly shaped the person I am today.  Despite the bad, there were good things over the 18 years.  He made me a better person - maybe it wasn't always using positive, healthy treatment of me, but I feel I am a better person because of him.

No, I will not always love her. If I love my x wife for the rest of my life I would consider myself as having serious mental problems. She showed love then basically just tortured me for the most part.

My breakup ... big blowup kick me out was a year ago

Yesterday. She abandoned the dog we adopted together

Which now bothers me more than anything she did to me

Was I perfect absolutely not. But I loved her and wanted

To right every wrong that had ever been perpetrated

Against her. Do I love her probably. I haven't seen her

Since that day. She hid her new relationship . they are still

Together. He's a much older man and not much to look at

I miss the kids most of all. Being their stepdad loving their

Mom gave me an identity. And truth be told would be dead

Right now if it wasn't for those kids. I have a hard time

Letting go completely. Thought I had reached that place

Of being over it. I saw a picture the other day of them and

They both have appeared to put on alot of weight. I'm a

Bodybuilder and she was thick girl and she often made a

Big deal about my appearance and hers and oddly enough

The dad bod thing really reminds me of her with this guy.

I tried everything I could to love her and the kids and have

The life I thought we wanted. Am I mad this guy has that

Life ... oddly not I want her to be happy... I wanted it to be

With me. I dont know if I'll see her again... I blocked her on

Fb... changed my number but have the same emails so who

Knows. The fact remains regardless of the love I feel for

Her and the promises I made... I am quite sure I couldn't

Take her back. And any space she would take in my life

Would be to see the kids. I haven't been the same since

That relationship . I have no interest in sex whatsoever

I'm.much more quiet and reserved than I have ever been

I found out the dog we adopted that she abandoned found

A good home and they sent pics... and so I adopted a new

One and he has been a blessing. Now I work I lift weights

And day dream about nothing in particular. There are times

I still blame.myself for things but also recognize some of

Unhealthy things she did. I have a problem with

Acceptance... my family friends I felt never truelly accepted

And with her I did... I wanted kids w her and would have at

One time fought and died for her and the kids. But the lies

And crises that seemed to always pop up when I wasn't

Around ... I actually believed someone tried to abduct her

And that someone tried to break into our apartment one

Morning when I had already left for work... I realize now

They were lies or at very least a gross exaggeration of the

Events. I want to feel nothing for her... and would not bother

Me if she got roughed up a lil bit... I would like for her to

Realize she perjured the heart of a man who would have

Brought her the head of the John the Baptist had she

Requested it but I would like to see the kids and until that

Dies I can't help but not love their mother even if it was

A facade

From the most elevated, distant, soulful level, I could say yes. But at the personal level, she (my exBPDgf) is a wounded wildcat who seeks to torture those who love her. Too bad, as she is extraordinarily talented, beautiful, etc. Don't see this tiger changing its stripes anytime soon, and probably never for me. Safe distance is the only way to go. Appreciate the good times of the past, forget the torture, chalk it up to an education, and look forward to living your own life! 

Yeah, probably.

Will I be in love with her again, though? I'd say that the odds weigh heavily against that.

Will I trust her again? Possibly yes, possibly no.

I thought I loved her and I tried to love her and I'm sure this is true of her, too.  But we honestly never actually achieved love because there was a fundamental foundation of fear, distrust, and anxiety that was ruling everything. The closer we got, the stronger these feelings dominated until it just imploded. You simply can't have real love without real trust and real intimacy. Caring for someone is not love, intense and strong experiences are not intimacy, and giving yourself over to someone when they don't reciprocate is not trust.

Sorry to double post. I want to add that I really do believe she was doing the best she could, as was I. I also believe that she is a beautiful and caring person who through no fault of her own is stuck in a cyclone of emotions that overwhelm her. I was so angry at her at first, but now I just understand this is the way it is. We will likely never talk again. Four months ago that was inconceivable to me. We were imagining a life together and starting a family. She'll soon move back to her home country and that will be that. That was hard to accept at first, but this is how it has to be.  I understand that I might have been a more triggering partner that another might have been, and I hope that her next partner is a better fit and can help her live a better life. She just doesn't deserve a life of anguish. I guess this is a kind of love, but not the kind I imagined we'd have.