BPDFamily.com

I guess the other name for this thread is Pin Cushion or Dart Board. I was wondering what things people have done to try to make there pwBPD happy. 

Here are mine.

1. Move over 15 times in 14 years to find the perfect job.

2. Do everythign she asks to prevent a fight or to make an argument go away.

3. Put up with name calling and accept it as normal.

4. List to her say I am one of her biggest regrets yet do nothing to leave.

5. Let her get whatever she wants (ie buying things, puppies, electronics, or what ever it is that would she is eyeing up: meanwhile hoping to get a little credit or soemthign I can call my own some day... .even something as simple as a book).

6. Agree with her opinions even if I know they are no tmy own. Again to prevent a needless arguement.

Also few other questions to ask anyone.

Why would someone put up with these things? Whats wrong with me?

Wonder where my breaking point is? If I am her biggest regret in life yet she stays what does that tell me? 

She has seen the exact behavior she is participating in with her Dad towards her Mom. She sees it. She complains about it. She even knows that it wrong. 1 time she even admitted she does that to me. Yet she still sees it as completely my fault she is miserebale with her life.  If I had 1 word to describe how she feels about herself and the life she lives its "hate". She hates everything and everyone. 

We can't make them happy.  Even for normal, non-disorder people, family, partners, spouses, etc. - you can't make them be happy.  Each individual is responsible for themselves and their own happiness.  You have never had the ability to make her happy and you never will.

That said, we're all guilty of getting sucked into the game of trying to make them happy, trying to make them accept and approve of us.  We've all given up things we wanted, gone along with things we didn't want to, given things to them that actually caused us harm while doing so.  Then, we've all learned it doesn't work and only gets us sucked in and hurt more and makes it harder and more painful to extricate ourselves from the situation when we finally decide to set some boundaries and hold them.

You're still worrying about her.  She's still got you wrapped around her finger.  That's why they treat people as they do.  So they stay the center of attention.

What are you hoping to accomplish at this point?  I don't intend any meanness but this is a harsh question.  You come on here with the same complaint and same issues over and over, acknowledge what's going on and what needs to happen, and then always fail to follow through and default to the same reactions and kowtowing to her that you've always done.  It results in the same thing it always has.  It should not be surprising at this point. 

What's the point of continuing to complain on the internet about this but not actually do anything about any of it in real life?  Nothing will change until you do.  If you aren't willing to act to improve your siutation, then honestly it might be time for some radical acceptance of how she is and change in perspective to one of she can act how she does, it's really not about you, and figure out how to let all be water rolling off a ducks back for you.  Build a perspective where it doesn't affect you personally anymore. 

Honestly, all her problems and complaints and behavior towards you... .it's all her problem.  You don't have to fix her problems for her.  If she has a problem with something about or with you, it's okay to let her have that problem.  If she's wrong about something, it's okay to let her be wrong.  You don't have to correct her or fix it for her.  Let her figure it out and fix it herself and in the mean time don't take it personally. 

I'm sorry if that's a bit of a harsh thing to say on here, but I really feel sometimes we all need a 2x4 upside the head to wake us up.  I know I have in the past needed it myself.

Hey Cipher, I happen to agree w/Waddams.  Your subject line says it all, because it suggests that there is something one can do to make a pwBPD happy, as if you have failed to figure out some secret code that others have already cracked.  There is no magic bullet, my friend.  BPD is like the Cave of the Minotaur, from which few emerge unscathed.  Suggest you tread carefully in that  Cave, before you incur serious damage (if you haven't already).  LuckyJim

Don't do it to make them happy! It is a losing proposition every time.

If you do it, do it to make yourself happy. And don't get in the trap of, "I will be happy when he/she is happy." I fell into that trap for a while. That doesn't work either.

You have to find happiness within yourself, for yourself, and have that happiness be independent of them.