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exactly what she is doing... .?"


I suppose this is a venting post... .or possibly about my wife being more self aware about her FOO... .and I hope... .herself.

Her Mom (wife's mom) decided that she and Papaaw (my wife's dad) decided that she is not coming down for a family event in about a week.

I asked my wife if she understood how her Mom and Dad made decisions... .figured things out.

My wife says... .

"I didn't know my mom as an adult... .when I was a kid... .so... .I can't comment on that part of their lives.  But... .my Mom is a big bully.  She will do and say whatever she needs to do in order to control my Dad and get what she wants.  It's horrible to watch.  What kind of lala land does she live in to not think that people see exactly what she is doing... ."

We were both totally calm... .just relaxing and talking together... .

I've not followed up on that conversation... .I have no idea how to without going to the place of... ."it must be frustrating for you Dad to be controlled... ."... .or "do you think you are acting like your Mom."

The thing is... .she is not as bad as her mom.  Here mom and sister seem cut out of same cloth... .  Sister divorced 2 or 3 times now... .I think she is remarried... .but status of her r/s is a big family secret... .issue... .whatever... .

So... .my wife is "BPD light" compared to them... .maybe she knows this... .maybe she doesn't.  I am thankful it is not as bad as what they deal with.

Anyway... .maybe just a venting post... .but the ability to analyze someone else doing pretty much what you are doing... .and call them bad... .yet be blind to yourself... .is... .amazing... .

FF

Yes,  My wife does this a lot!  It is amazing.  They see it so clearly because they do it so often and I think they say it because they feel guilty about it and can't voice it any other way.  Almost like a backhanded BPD apology.  You could validate by saying, "It sucks when we feel people we love are being controlled."

FF,

My H sees the BPD behaviors his son does, and will exclaim that he would "never treat me like that" or how distasteful he finds the behaviors. Once I commented that he does that same behavior... .and his reply was "Well, not as bad"

So... .yeah. I think he knows he does it but... .when he's criticizing someone else, he doesn't see how it applies to him.

I will never forget the time that my husband was complaining about how somebody else was treating me. This was kind of mean on my part but I couldn't resist. I flat out told him, "Wow, how can you be upset by somebody else doing that to me. You do that to me all the time."

I don't remember the response. I just remember how friggin' good it felt to basically call him on his BS. There have been oh so many times that I have heard my husband say things about others that apply to him or us. I have asked on several occasions, "How are we any different?"

Look up the definition of "Hypocrisy".

Drove me nuts for years.

Until I realized when someone does it to her she "FEELS it". When she does it to someone else she doesn't "feel" anything.  pwBPD are incapable of "putting themselves in someone elses shoes" so therefore never "see" it as "the same thing".

Hypocrisy... .

Oh, exactly.   My wife can go on and on about how someone is treating someone else, or someone treating her, when any thinking person would see that my wife acts the exact same way.  She even sometimes admits to acting the same way. 

Right now she is all over my case for claiming I am a "victim" of domestic abuse  (I've not used that word "victim".  But if I was doing the same to her - or she saw the same being done to someone else, she'd certainly give the same label.  Heck, she goes to a women's resource center and must see the pamphlets... .?

My mom will sometimes speak critically about one of her friend's husbands " He is so co-dependent. He does whatever she wants him to. He is always taking care of her needs. I don't know why he does it."

She also has a friend who has a daughter with BPD. She once called me to tell me about it.  " so and so has severe BPD, it is so sad."

Then she asked, "Have you heard of this? Do you know what it is?"

Uh, yeah Mom, I do.    ( and I will not take this bait!)