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Title: 5 months and feeling stuck Post by: lawman79 on June 09, 2015, 03:43:08 PM So I just thought I would post an update and maybe get some advance. I have been out of my 1+ year relationship with my udBPDexgf. We have both been strict no contact since then. I had been feeling better slowly but surely, but now the last few weeks, I feel like I have been stuck or maybe even regressed a bit. Just a reminder about my situation... .I am in my 30s, so is my ex. She was the angry violenting raging BPD type (verbal abuse, attempts at physical abuse, threats emotional /violence/ harming herself). Our relationship ended via txt when I finally fought back after absorbing the worse verbal abuse of my life time. I have no idea what she has been up to the last 5 months, and I don't want to know. I have been in therapy for 3 months. The good - I am not in denial about what she was or what she could be in the future. -I feel that therapy is helping a little. -I have been dating others, and one of them would have turned into a relationship if she didn't leave town for 3 months. -I have been going out socially a lot, making new friends and have picked up some new activities. -There really is no desire to contact, and I don't think I would have anything to say anyway. - I haven't heard from her, which is surprising, but that's certainly for the best. The bad -I still thinking about her and what happened quite a bit. That has actually incresed the last weeks. I would say at least once an hour. 90% of my thoughts about her about the horrible things she put me through. -I also spend a lot of time thinking about the red flags that I didn't see or flat out ignored. -I am becoming increasingly angry with myself about how long I stayed and what I put up with. -A small part of me still loves/misses her... .probably like 20%. -In any given day I range between strong empathy for and a desire that the next guy abuses the hell out of her so she can know what it feels like. I guess I just feel stuck between anger and empathy for her. I was hopeful that at this point I would be mostly indifferent. I want to move past this to indifference so badly... .I don't know how. Title: Re: 5 months and feeling stuck Post by: cosmonaut on June 09, 2015, 04:18:07 PM I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling stuck. I've also felt that way at points. When we are hurting this much, we just want the pain to be over. Hang in there. Things really do get easier. Five months is actually still pretty early for many of us. It took me about a year until I started seeing acceptance. It's not a short process and we all take it at our own pace. Try and not be frustrated with your yourself if you aren't where you want to be. You have been hurt in a very deep way, and it is a challenging task to heal from that. It takes time. It's also not a linear process. Sometimes we move forward and sometimes backward. That's perfectly normal. I did that many times, and in some ways still do. I think almost everyone here has too, so you're in very good company.
It seems like you are blaming yourself for much of why you feel this badly. That's natural. Try and realize, however, that you did the best you could. There's no shame in falling in love with someone and trying our best to make the relationship work. I can't see fault in that. We all wish that some things had been different. We all make mistakes in relationships. The important thing is that we learn from them so we can go on to healthier, better relationships in the future. Please try and be gentle on yourself. This isn't your fault. And it's in many ways not your ex's fault. This is just BPD, and it's a terrible and tragic disorder. It causes suffering for everyone involved. Always try and remember: this is not your fault. |iiii I know it seems hard to see an end to this, but you are doing the right things in focusing on yourself. You're in therapy. Keep applying yourself there, and healing will come. The pain will dull, and you will be able to see life beyond your ex. Even love again. It just takes some time. Hang in there. |